Last month, Tracy McMillan published a controversial piece in the Huffington Post called Why You’re Not Married. The post sparked a series of angry and/or passionate rebuttals from the blogosphere. Many were offended by Tracy’s take on why they had so far failed to secure a husband and felt attacked by her reasoning, like Jessica Ravitz from CNN for example. Others applauded her candor. I’d like to offer a slightly different perspective.

First of all, I have no issues with Tracy’s article. She advocates that if you’re not married and you want to be, then you need to be taking a look at yourself, instead of blaming it all on men. Her method may be harsh, but whether you’re talking about looking at your attitudes, your behavior, your “issues” or clearing your vibration, it’s all the same thing. And if you look at it from a Law of Attraction perspective, from the point of view that you create your own reality and everything in your reality is attracted to you (or not) by your vibration, then it stands to reason that if you want to change something in your life, you have to take responsibility for it. You are creating your singlehood and you are the one who can change that.

What I do take a bit of an issue with is this idea we have in our society that a woman’s worth is somehow determined by her ability to “get a man.” This is an outdated belief. Back in the day, when women had no rights, securing a husband was the only way for a woman to ensure she and her future children would be taken care of. Women couldn’t earn money, they couldn’t provide themselves with any security. And the older a woman got, the more urgent the need to find a husband became. It was literally a life or death situation. A woman’s desirability was directly linked to her ability to produce offspring, putting even more pressure on her as the years went by. Marriage was about security and survival. If love was involved, then that was a nice bonus, but a woman who wanted to live to a ripe old age couldn’t afford to be picky.

But times have changed. We are no longer dependent on our ability to find a man to support us. We can earn our own money, provide our own security. We don’t have to have children, but if we want to, we can even do that without men. We no longer need to get married, and yet many women are still filled with the desperation of thinking that they do. This is an outdated belief that is no longer serving society and it can be released.

So, if you cut the tie to survival from the relationship game, what’s left? Love, a connection, friendship, mutual respect and emotional support. But women who dare to make these qualities a priority, who refuse to settle for a man who will merely give them security (even when they no longer need it), are labeled as “too picky.” Just read the comments in the links above if you need proof. If you’re not married by a certain age, there must be something wrong with you. Notice, I did say that if you want to be married and you’re not, you need to take a look at your limiting beliefs. But this is vastly different from the idea that your worth as a woman is tied to your ability to tie the knot.

If you want to get married and have children, that’s great. I would just suggest that you’re sure you know what you want. What is it you actually want? What qualities in the relationship are important to you? Many women know that they want to get married, but they’ve never taken the time to define what that actually means to them.

What is marriage, really? When you break it down to its most basic components, marriage is a legal contract, set up to protect the woman from being left with nothing by her husband. Since women of yonder couldn’t really take care of themselves financially, they needed some kind of guarantee that the man couldn’t just up and leave.

The vibration of this thought is still, in a way, active today. Although financial security still plays a role, we look to marriage to provide us with emotional security. And this idea is perpetuated by both parties – not just women. Once you have that ring, you can relax. Because once they’re married you, they can’t leave you. Not without a struggle anyway (and even if you’re both miserable). You’ll never be alone again. It’s a form of insurance, a guarantee. Once you’re married, you don’t have to try so hard anymore. Unfortunately, this also means that once people get married, their relationships often change for the worse – not because it’s inevitable, but because they take the relationship for granted.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not knocking marriage. If you want to get married, you have my blessing. I’m just advocating doing it for the right reasons. If you’re feeling a kind of desperation to find a man and get married, you’re acting out of fear – fear of being alone forever, fear that no one will ever love you and the fear that you won’t survive on your own. That last one is left over from the past and you may well not be consciously aware of it. Even if you were never taught this belief, you most likely picked up the vibration of it just by being here.

You might want to take a serious look at your motivations if:

  • the ring on your finger is more important than the man who gave it to you (be honest)
  • you focus more on the idea of being married than the qualities of the man you want to attract
  • you think finding a husband will complete you, fix everything or give you something you don’t currently have (it won’t. Your vibration is your vibration, and if you don’t change that, you won’t feel any differently)
  • you mainly want to get married so your friends, family, society will finally shut the hell up about it
  • you’re ashamed of being single at your age

Men and women today are waking up to the idea that they can have a relationship of their choosing. It’s not about security anymore, it’s not about survival. And there are no longer any reasons for us to settle. We are redefining what we want from our relationships and aren’t rushing into it. If you’re one of these people, don’t let old, outdated beliefs drag you down and make you feel guilty. It’s not always easy, to be sure. There aren’t a lot of role models to show us how to relate to our partners in this new way. We have to define the parameters ourselves as we go along. We have to feel our way through it, communicate more with each other than ever before, and refuse to settle for feeling anything less than bliss. We have to figure it out step by step.

We’re taking relationships to the new level. Single, married, lovers, significant other, friends with benefits, gay, straight, bi, whatever, the goal is not to find a partner. The goal is to be happy. And if you can achieve that, whatever form it took to get there should never make you feel inadequate or like a failure. Your ability to find a partner should never impact your self-worth. You’re a powerful creator, you’re pure positive energy, you’re so much more than some lonely woman with a ticking biological clock. See yourself for who you really are. And when you do, he’ll show up. And you won’t have to settle.

Would you like to learn more about how the Law of Attraction works and how to deliberately receive the reality you want? Download and read the FREE e-book Deliberate Receiving. All of this vibration stuff will make more sense then, too. 🙂

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  • These are exactly my thoughts, Melody. Marriage should be just another way for us to achieve happiness. Not to prove anything to anyone, not because by ourselves we’re not women enough. I also don’t believe in vows. You can vow with all sincerity that this is the way you’re feeling NOW. But you can’t vow how you’ll feel in the future. You and your spouse may or may not still be a vibration match. A vow shouldn’t keep you prisoner in the institution of marriage. Nor should a contract.
    To Carrie, just read the talkaboutmarriage forum, and see how many misconceptions and old fashion ideas people still have about marriage. I encourage you to read all of this blog and start to understand the LOA. 🙂

  • What a horrible view of marriage. I appreciate the insights that we can marry more freely choosing what we need in a spouse rather than choosing because of pressures around us. But this ridiculous idea that marriage is just a contract and our goal should be happiness? If you have that low and selfish view of marriage you shouldn’t get married.

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