It’s a parent’s job to worry. When the kids are little, they worry that they’ll screw them up for life. When they’re adults, mom and dad worry that they could’ve or should’ve done countless things differently. Could they have spared their children pain? Did their decisions cause irreparable scars in their offspring, forever condemning them to an emotionally stunted life of never ending resentment? Parents worry that they could’ve done a better job. They blame themselves for any issues their children have. And children love to blame their parents for their problems. If only they had done this or that, been this way or that way, life would’ve surely been much easier. But I’m going to let the parents off the hook here. They are not to blame. Here’s why:
First, you have no way of knowing how your or your child’s life would’ve turned out, had things gone differently. You may think that you know, but can you say with 100% certainty that life would’ve been better? A lot of the time, we assume that if we’d made a decision differently in the past, problems would’ve been avoided. But the thing is, you have no idea what crap you avoided by making or being subject to the decisions you or your parents made. Perhaps, had you all not acted the way you did, life would’ve been much, much worse. The point is, you can’t know what would’ve happened and you never will. Why assume you or your parents made a mistake or that the path you were on wasn’t the best of the choices?
Second, the past is the past and can’t be changed. All the dissecting and blaming and worrying will not change anything that has already happened. But you can certainly mess up your present and your future by continuously judging your own or your parents’ past behavior. Does it feel good to think about your life this way? Does it serve you to blame yourself or your parents? No. And if something doesn’t feel good, it doesn’t serve you. So stop it. Leave the past in the past and focus on creating the present you really want.
And third, and most importantly, no one can create another’s reality. Not even your parents. Parents and children are in this together – they are co-creating their realities. The mother and father may think that they are making the decisions for the family, but just because their kids can’t verbally express their desires (and may, in fact even be expressing the opposite), their vibration is doing the talking for them. If the parents are following their intuition, they will be following a collective intuition – one that matches both their and their children’s vibration.
For example, when I was 9, my mother moved my sister and me from Germany to the US. This was a major life decision and one which impacted all of us for the rest of our lives. One might assume that my mother, being the parent, made the decision to move continents, and my sister and I had no choice. But one would be wrong. If you look at this from a deeper, energy-based perspective, my sister and I could never have moved to America if we were not a vibrational match to it. My mother was following her intuition, but that intuition was in line with ours. And even if we bitched and complained about changing schools and towns and having to learn a new language, our vibration was in agreement. Even if we didn’t vote verbally, we did so vibrationally. In the reality that we all shared, we were all a match to making that move.
Children are powerful creative beings, often more powerful than adults, because they haven’t been as trained out of remembering who they are yet. We have to give them credit for who and what they are. We do not get more powerful with age and experience. In fact, we often lose clarity over time. Your kids created everything in their lives, wanted and unwanted, just like you did. You could not have asserted something onto them that they were not a vibrational match to. It’s simply impossible for that to happen.
If you’ve been blaming your parents for past wrongs, you’d be well served to give it a break. I’m not saying that you don’t have any healing left to do, that’s a different story altogether. But part of realizing your own power is understanding that you create your own reality – all of it. And you always have. You aligned with your parents because of the energy you put forth before you were born. You sent out intentions and vibrations and your parents were a match to that. Everything that happened to you from then on, was part of your creation. Now, this may not seem plausible, if you had a less than happy childhood, but remember that you were almost certainly creating by default. You had no idea that you had the power to create and therefore, much of your reality may have seemed less than wanted. But rest assured, it was your creation. And even if some of it was painful, there was a reason for all of it.
But what about if you had an abusive parent? Isn’t it perfectly understandable that you would blame them? Understandable, yes. But it doesn’t serve you. The goal is not to “win”, by showing everyone how right you are and how wrong they were. The goal is to be happy and to consciously create the reality of your choosing. And in order for that to happen, you have to forgive past hurts and accept that ultimately, it’s all your responsibility.
This is an all or nothing situation. You either create your reality or you don’t. If you do, your parents cannot also have created it for you. They were a match to your vibration and creation, as you were a match to theirs, but you were and are each responsible for your own reality.
Of course, now that you’re beginning to realize who you really are, you can change your reality. You can create something quite different. Blaming others, even your parents for anything that’s happened in your life is a sign that you haven’t completely understood your own power yet. This doesn’t mean you should blame yourself. There’s no reason to assign blame to anyone. It means that if you’re willing to take FULL responsibility for your life, all of it, you will begin to see how you can create a completely different one.
* This post is dedicated to my mom.
Don’t forget to leave a comment and let me know what you think!
I don’t know if you will read this but i feel like saying thank you every time i read your posts..didnt want to tire you out lol.I had an abusive childhood and constantly battle with the memories. As i discover your posts and go through the comments(coz somehow i find them just when i need em) to get more clarity..let me just state again your viewpoints are a revelation.The one consistent feeling i have had over the years is of helplessness and then you appear like a fairy(i kid u not) and wave your wand and make me feel for the first time that i am powerful and it feels wonderful.Feel like Katy Perry in Roar.
A million thanks again for making my journey look exciting for the first time.
I am so glad you started this blog as part of your website. In one year, your readership and viewership are where they are, at awesome levels, which says a lot, and I am truly glad about this!!!!
I understand what you are saying here and it is all true. How about parents who meddle in your life, thinking they are doing the right thing? My parents are from the Mediterranean where children will always children, no matter how old, and, though this is a customary practice there and totally accepted, they just do not understand new world ways and don’t get the fact that when a child is an adult, they lead their own life and no approval is required for this. I guess these old ways do serve some sort of purpose, but I do not see what it is, other than not questioning and accepting all that is as it is and that’s that, like it or not, tough noogies. Isn’t this anti-LOA, though?
If you lead your own life, you are constantly criticized by your parents for doing so and they badger you about pretty much everything, even when you have asked them kindly to stop. Like, if they have nothing good to say or contribute, it is best they do not say anythng at all, yet they go on and on about pretty much everything, because they are experts in everything, so they think. So, you are still not free from them. Even if you distance yourself, they wrongly accuse you of not caring about them, and perhaps you are at the point where you do not because it is exhausting and you have your own stuff to look after anyway, so where does it end? How to use LOA to deal with this behavior?
Sounds like your parents really trigger you, eh? 😛
Figure out what it is about their behavior that’s actually bothering you. Why does their criticism hurt you? What is it making you think about yourself?
They are making you feel powerless, but that’s not their problem, it’s yours. They are simply triggering it – pointing it out. You think that if they became more supported that you would feel better. But it’s really the better feeling you’re after.
You are as free as YOU allow yourself to be. If you feel trapped, it’s because of a belief, not because of them. I’m guessing they don’t actually keep you chained up in the basement? 😉
You can’t control them. But you can control how you feel. And that’s where you start. You clean up your beliefs about yourself to the point where their criticisms don’t bother you anymore. Then, they’ll change. True story.
As someone who grew up in an abusive household (alcohol, physical, and emotional abuse), I tend to disagree a bit with this post. We’ve already communicated via email regarding how LoA relates to horrible things that happen to people, so you’re aware that this is an area with which I still have some difficulty (especially when it comes to children). I completely agree that we shouldn’t focus on the past so much that we allow it to destroy our present or future. But when people experience really traumatic events, it seems a little harsh to me to say “oh well, take responsibility for it yourself and forget about it already.”
Especially in parent-child relationships, there is a level of trust (or supposed trust) there. We trust our parents/family to protect us. When one’s family environment is toxic and abusive, it can have a tremendous effect on a person. And most children aren’t aware of nor truly able to fully comprehend things like LoA, raising their vibration, focusing on what they want, etc. All they know is the people who are supposed to love them the most treat them like garbage or worse.
I personally chose to remove my family from my life, so I am estranged from them by my own choice. When I stayed in touch with them, even marginally, I felt horrible any time contact was made. It was like I felt all of the painful negative energy that I experienced as a child every time I spoke with one of them. I finally said no more, and severed ties. It was a difficult decision, and I’ve had my share of feeling guilty about it especially when it comes to my mother. But I was tired of maintaining a relationship with my family that was strictly based on obligation and what we are taught is “normal.” Most people don’t understand my decision, and think it’s wrong not to be involved with your own family. I view it as doing what I needed to do to make myself happy. People tend to think it’s ok if you leave a friend or even a spouse if they continue to drag you down, but those of us who choose to distance ourselves from family are judged more harshly.
Sorry, I didn’t intend to make this such a long comment. This post just struck a personal chord with me, and I wanted to at least add the perspective of someone who was raised in and around abuse.
I get where you’re coming from, I really do. But taking responsibility is not the same as taking blame. When working through childhood abuse or any other childhood based feelings, it’s important to acknowledge and validate the feelings the child had before moving on. In that sense, we have to move through anger and blame and often rage before moving on to forgiveness. But in the end, that forgiveness is for our sake, not theirs and it makes no sense to continue to live in pain because we can’t let go of blame.
I totally agree with your decision to get away from your family. If you can’t feel better while you’re with them, get out. You have no obligation to stay in a relationship that brings you pain just because you’re related. You may, after healing, find your way back to them some day. In that case, your relationship will be very different. You may not. That’s ok too. I don’t know if you’ve read my post of abusive relationships, but it applies to abused kids, too.
Thanks so much for commenting and adding your valuable perspective!
Hey Awesome Melody,
Thank you very much for directing me to this post.
After reading this post, instead of blaming myself for blaming others for my reality I would choose to leave this blame game here only and look today & tomorrow keeping self motivated and clear.
Now the view from here is very positive & clear like a new sunrise :). Once again your magic wand worked for me Melody.
Thank you once again for taking me deep in LOA.
Huge Hug & Love,
You’re so very welcome Sameer. I could tell you had a little self-blame stuck in your vibration from your last comment. I’m glad this post cleared it right up. 🙂
Very powerfully and passionately written. I think this really sums it up:
“All the dissecting and blaming and worrying will not change anything that has already happened. But you can certainly mess up your present and your future by continuously judging your own or your parents’ past behavior.”
No matter what happened, I think we’d all benefit from letting the past be the past, and moving on with our lives.
Exactly. Even if someone isn’t quite yet sold on the concept that what we focus on multiplies, I think the idea that being stuck in the past will mess up your present and future is one that just about everyone can get. Babysteps…
Thanks so much for your comment, Fred.
If we choose our parents and create our own lives, how can it be that so many people choose to be born i 3′ part country’s facing hunger and an early death?
Or baby’s being raped?
This is an enormous question, and one I’ll never be able to do justice here in the comments. I’ll write this up into a blog post and will upload it soon. I promise to link to it here and email you personally when I do, so you don’t miss it.
I’m sorry I can’t give you an answer here in the comments, but I tried writing it up, and there’s just no way I can give a coherent explanation that doesn’t raise more questions than answers in the space provided. Thanks for your understanding.
Hi Martin, you can find the answer to this question here.
Have you ever thought about writing an e-book or guest authoring on other sites? I have a blog centered on the same ideas you discuss and would love to have you share some stories/information. I know my subscribers would appreciate your work. If you are even remotely interested, feel free to send me an e mail.