We’ve all heard the saying “What other people think of you doesn’t matter.” And we’d all love to live our lives that way – absolutely not caring what others do or think or say. If only it wasn’t for all the a-holes out there who keep getting in the way. Every day people get completely bent out of shape about something someone said, did, wrote, broadcast on TV, posted on YouTube, or even something they think the other person may have thought, said, or done. Some of these instances even seem justified: some jerk cut you off in traffic. The lady in line next to you at the bank was openly rude. Your brother in law has the audacity to support your sports team’s rival! We are a people who love to get upset.
Here’s the thing: No one can offend you. Only you can allow yourself to get offended. Yes, I know that sounds really Zen and beautiful, but how do you actually practice this in the real world? Here’s how:
1.) Realize that every reaction you have is caused by the thoughts you are thinking. It’s all you. It’s your reality, it’s your reaction. That doesn’t make your reaction or the way you feel invalid, it just means that it actually has nothing to do with the other person. It’s your emotion; own it. You can read http://www.deliberatereceiving.com/purpose-of-emotions.html to learn more about this point.
2.) Understand that you are not actually upset by whatever it was the other person said or did. You’re not upset because the lady at the bank is rude to you, or the jerk stole your parking space or because other people can’t seem to control their children (who clearly aren’t raised the way they should be) in public. You’re using that excuse to justify a thought you’re having about yourself and your place in the world. And it’s that thought, your thought, that’s making you upset. For example, if someone is rude to you, it may make you feel powerless (you can’t do anything about it), devalued (she was rude to you because you’re not worth being nice to), or depressed (people in general are just nasty). All of those emotions will lead to anger (anger is the next step on the emotional scale), which is what being offended is all about: the feeling that you’ve somehow been diminished, causing you to get defensive and angry. You can read more about the emotional scale at http://www.deliberatereceiving.com/emotional-scale.html.
3.) Know that every person you come in contact with is a match to you at that very moment. They are simply mirroring something that’s going on inside of you. You actually elicited that very behavior from them in that moment. You don’t believe that people are rude because people have been rude to you. People have been rude to you because you believe that people are rude. It is your belief that is causing you to have the experience you’re having. You are literally creating events to be offended by.
4.) Remember that the more you push against something and the more you focus on it, the more of it you’ll get in your life. If you’re offended by inconsiderate drivers and you spend a lot of time bitching about them, you’re probably experiencing a lot of jerks in traffic each day. You’re not going to get rid of them (out of your reality) by continuing to complain about them. Change your focus, stop hating the bad drivers, and the bad drivers will disappear.
5.) Begin by evaluating events from your past that were offensive to you. Ask yourself why you find that behavior so offensive. Chances are, your answer will be something like “Because it’s just wrong”, “Because it’s disgusting”, or “It just is”. Most of the things that offend us don’t actually hurt anyone (aside from causing offense, which we’ve already established isn’t actually real.) By being offended, you gave the other person or offending party WAY too much power. Other people can’t intrude into your reality if you don’t let them. It’s your reality and you create it. The trick is to figure out how to do it consciously and not let all you unconscious vibrations create it for you. The idea is to stop reacting blindly and evaluate if the thought behind the reaction is serving you. Let’s say you’re offended by mothers who breastfeed in public (apparently 55% of all Americans are offended by this.) Why? Seriously. Most people who find this inappropriate have a bit of an issue with the naked human body. They find the whole thing disgusting, including their own. Because finding yourself inappropriate feels horrible (your inner being vehemently disagrees with you), every time they think these thoughts, they feel awful. They associate the breastfeeding mother with these horrible feelings and blame her, but it’s really the way they’re choosing to look at the issue and themselves that’s causing their reaction.
6.) Let it go. You have a choice here – you don’t have to be offended, you don’t have to have the thoughts that you do, and you don’t have to live your life in search of the next douchebag who will do something you can rail against. You can choose to look at the issue in a different way. You’ve probably never evaluated why certain things offend you. They just do. Perhaps you grew up that way, or you modeled your behavior after someone you respected. If you can’t come up with a really good reason why something actually has the power to hurt you, just let it go. Let other people be, and focus on creating a reality where you only see the things that make you feel good (hint: you do that by feeling good about your current reality first and that nirvana will arrive.)
7.) Once you’ve evaluated and cleared some of your past hurts, practice changing your perspective in the moment, before you have the chance to get offended. Someone cuts you off in traffic and you can feel yourself starting to get hot under the collar. But you catch yourself and change perspective. A favorite of mine is to imagine that the guy who cut me off is on his way to the hospital to visit his sick child. He’s in a panic and frantically trying to get there as fast as he can. If that were the case and I knew that, I’d easily forgive that driver his transgressions. Why not forgive him anyway? Being offended doesn’t make the situation better. It doesn’t make him NOT cut me off. All it does is put me in a foul mood. What’s the point of that?
Bottom line: By getting offended, you’re only hurting yourself. Just telling yourself, however, to stop feeling that way isn’t going to work, unless it’s an event that never, ever comes up. It’s better to dig down a little and figure out why you’re offended and then change your perspective. Once you clear a couple of items, it’ll get easier and easier. You’ll stop seeing the point of being offended in the first place. You’ll become a lot less willing to put up with feeling that way. What other people do or say truly won’t matter to you. And then, and this is the best part, those people who do the stuff that offends you, will rarely if ever show up in your world. But you have to stop pushing against them first. Then they’ll go away. The Law of Attraction baby! That’s how it works.
Do you have something that offends you that you need a different perspective on? Let me know in the comments or contact me, and I’ll answer you and may well base a future blog post on it.
Hi
I am a teacher and have been for many years. As time goes on I am beginning to realise a few things about myself that I am not happy with. When I am in the four walls of my classroom I couldn’t be happier, my students and I have a great student/teacher relationship and the environment is always a positive one. My problem is some of the staff members that I work with. I am finding that I am becoming increasingly offended by what they say and worried about what they might think or say about me.
Over the past two years I have not been successful in promotion and feel that my current school has nothing more to offer me. I then try to look at the reasons why I was not successful in getting a promotion and that then leads me to think that there is something wrong with me. I am becoming more and more negative about myself. I’ve had enough of this train of thought and want to change.
From reading the previous blogs and your responding advice, I can identify that the root of my problem is that I do not value myself and that I am feeling offended by people I think are ‘stronger’, ‘smarter’, ‘more together’ than me. I have read many books on how to think more positively and am aware of some of the things that I could do to improve my thinking, however, I cannot maintain the thought process. I don’t want to look back and blame my upbringing, I want to take responsibility for my current behaviour and act to change it permanently.
As I am writing this I am even criticising myself for not expressing my feelings clearly. Argh! The cycle continues.
Any advice will be gratefully received.
Beth
This maybe a little tangential but since you have a great way of explaining LOA – I thought I could ask this question.
I am in the healthcare and I enjoy helping people. However, when i have to take overnight call (from home) – I do get easily offended and angry at being called for things which seem unimportant (although, I think its because I don’t like taking night call). During daytime and until about 8PM I am absolutely fine with anything that I need to handle. Is there anyway using LOA to make call go away or make it more pleasant (I have had many call nights where I didn’t get any calls).
Apologies in advance if this is out of context to this thread.
Thanks
Schealer
Melody, you tell us that the people who are around us are mirroring who we are at that moment. I am still trying to come to terms with this, although I understand it completely. For example, I am the team lead for a group of 4 women who work in a quad (one large cubicle). One of the women is grossly over-weight, smokes heavily and leaves her desk whenever she thinks she can sneak away to smoke, when she can’t get her nicotine fix she fidgets. She does not bathe regularly nor wash clothes regularly, wears clothes that her sick cats sleep on (I’m talking festering wounds here). A large part of our job is taking troubleshooting calls, she is loud and brays like a donkey. It has taken me four years to get her moved off our team and across the office to torment someone else.
How does someone like this possibly mirror who I am day after day after day? If I was the only one who found her offensive I would be extremely concerned about my soul!
Hello,
I think this is a very interesting article, and I agree with what you say.
The only thing is that I never get offended by women breastfeeding publicly, or somebody cutting me off in traffic. In fact I do not really care.
What I find very offending is that people say things to me, such as ‘Do people in your country only have cold water in taps?’ Or when they assume something about me that is very stereotypical, for example they think I’m poorer or have much worse job than them (it happens when I dress casually, which I avoid at all cost, so that they do not take me for an uneducated, low earning person), or when sales assistants in a store don’t want to spend time serving me when they hear my accent.
How can I accept this?
Another thing is that sometimes people say downright rude things to me, such as ‘You speak broken English’ or similar. When I say something rude back to them, I feel good, and I just forget about the whole situation, but sometimes I don’t say anything and then it seems to me that I let them offend me and I can’t forgive myself I did not say anything and I keep thinking about it.
Should I actually say things to people, or do you think it’s unhealthy?
thanks for your tips so far to avoid getting offended.
Now I write to you in a depressed mood after being recurrently offended by a friend of me during the work time, I and he were graduated 3 months before and working in the same institute as a teacher; academically during our graduate study am superior to him, but here in the working area he is often showing off that he is superior to me in front of students during the mass meeting, he flow of speech is better than me because he never gets offended, but me always I react to his speech which is touching me directly or indirectly and fail to convey my messages and display some inconvenient mood to my students and when back home I remained severely depressed and even to the extent of committing suicide or murder, and yesterday I just sent an rude SMS which somehow decreased my depression; and am now planning to change the working environment because of him, but I still feel it’s a loss or failure to me; but I feel I will feel good if am away from this stupid man; so please tell me something which is directly related to story and may help me avoid such a bad reaction.
How do I stop allowing other people’s
actions (my husbands) to hurt me
and make me feel sad and worthless?
I want to get on with my life and have it
not bother me but even if I fake it till I
make it isnt that letting him off the hook
so to speak and then allowing the behavior
to continue?
Hi,
I have a son in law who gets offended easily and finds it hard to maintain friendships. I would love to help him and give support but that would offend him. It is really affecting my daughters social life as there is little interaction with others as she is worried for him. Any suggestions?
Hi!
I’d like to learn how to stop being offended when people let me down. For example, I organised a gathering, for some of my friends with toddlers, today and only one person showed up. I tried to work out why the other mum’s didn’t show: even coming up with excuses for them. However, they didn’t even call or email me.
Unfortunately, I wasn’t very popular growing up and was bullied all the way through school. my mum, who never had time to listen, said it must be something I was doing to make them bully me. Part of me is wondering what it is that I’m doing to push people away.
Hey Adele,
Well, it sounds to me like the real issue is that you have a belief that you’re not lovable, or worthy of being loved. Perhaps this was a decision you made because your mom didn’t have time for you, and then you manifested more and more evidence to support that belief.
I’d start off with this: First of all, really appreciate that one person. Don’t let the absence of anyone ruin your good time. If one person shows up, that’s great! Don’t make it so important that many show up. You’re associating their showing up with approval and love, but that’s your association (which is why you’re offended when they don’t. To you, they are saying that there’s something wrong with you, which IS offensive).
Second, you’ll want to start changing that belief. You can spend time with that little girl version of yourself in visualization and find ways to soothe her, so she can make a different decision. Look for evidence that people DO love you, and focus on that as much as you can. That will start to shift the energy of this. Those people didn’t reject you. Your energy wouldn’t allow them to come. But now, you’re aware of the belief, you can start the process of changing it.
I hope that was helpful.
Huge hugs,
Melody
I don’t get this… I mean, just turning off your emotions doesn’t seem like a healthy idea at all. If someone’s raping a woman, and I get offended, I’m pretty okay with that. In fact, I’m elated, because I’m alerted enough to do something to stop it.
All your advice here does is teach people to ignore themselves. If someone is meaningfully rude or offensive to you, whether or not your actual feelings are hurt (which is usually not the case with me anyway), it’s absolutely appropriate to recognize that person as a jerk. And if that person happens to be someone you love/like, they should be understanding of your feelings (if they were hurt), and you should be understanding of their intent (if they didn’t mean to be hurtful).
I think the main point to reinforce is a positive self-image. The only time you should question yourself is when you’re hurting yourself or others. At all other times, you’re probably just a pretty great person.
Hi Jacko,
I would never, ever advise to someone that they should ignore their emotions. In fact, I teach exactly the opposite – to acknowledge and own our emotions and to not make others responsible for them. I would also never advocate seeing someone in distress and not helping them when everything in you is screaming to do something about it.
I simply teach going beyond this – we cannot control others. Boy have we tried, but it doesn’t work. So, if we depend on them to change so that we can feel better, we will never feel better. If, however, we own our emotions and feel better even if the others don’t change, that’s when the world around us does actually change. But our focus needs to be on ourselves, not others.
Huge hugs,
Melody
LOL! I find nearly every aspect of my sister offensive. Even her face is a face you’d like to punch. I’m not kidding. It’s not just me either. Nearly every time she opens her open something stupid, ignorant, rude or dismissive flies out of it. Her body language, the sheer hypocrisy of her character… Just pure annoying condensed into one human being. 🙂
Wow, so your sister is willing to mirror back everyone’s limiting beliefs to them? Quite a trooper. I met a woman on a spiritual retreat a few years ago. She rubbed everyone the wrong way. Not me. She just didn’t bother me. At least not at first. But after time, she found my weak spot and hit me right between the eyes. It took a while, but I was able to recover and figure out what she’d triggered. In time (weeks), I was able to actually be grateful that I met her. She’d unearthed a massive insecurity, and working through the incident and what she said had actually helped me to release a lot of it.
I was able to see that she did this for everyone. Not everyone benefited, of course. Some did, some just got pissed off. But that was really up to them. It was brilliant, really.
And, of course, people who are a match to that many lower vibrations are generally deeply unhappy themselves. Try to stay away from her while you work on feeling better.
Huge hugs!
Melody
Hi Melody,
Just searching on how to stop being offended and this was the first return listed. I’m so glad to have read this- it’s already got me thinking and the responses plus your follow-up to said responses have been eye-opening.
I find I’m getting more and more “jaded” the older I get. My offense is, I guess, circumstance-based. I am often the first person forgotten or left out of any given circumstance- whether it be work-related, friendships or social events. I’ve evaluated myself and tried to figure out if I’m annoying (too quiet)? Too much of a wall-flower? I feel like I contribute to all my situations- I just try to be myself but that never seems good enough.
I cannot figure out what I’m doing wrong to be so often forgotten. It’s happened a good majority of my life (younger years and throughout most of my adult years). It was annoying and I tried to give people the benefit of the doubt, at first, then it became laughable and now I’m slipping into just being constantly offended and I don’t like feeling like this… It makes me feel like withdrawing.
Anyway, any advice on perspective changing would be helpful. I’m wrapping my mind around your words of wisdom right now in your OP. Thank you!
Hey Sara,
It’s great to meet you!
Well, you have a belief that you’re not good enough and an expectation that people will judge you as such. That is, of course, totally untrue, which is why it offends you so much when others mirror that belief back to you. The key is not that you have to act differently so that they’ll accept you, the key is for you to fully accept yourself.
You’re not offended because they think you’re not good enough. You’re offended because you think you’re not good enough. And quite frankly, you should be. What an awful thought. Start focusing on yourself in a more positive way. Just see yourself in a positive light – this is a general way to shift your energy (which will be much easier to do than to try and shift your vibration on specific incidents). It takes a little bit of dedication and practice, but you’ll see a change in how you feel quickly. That’s your first manifestation. And then, the people around you will start to change. But they won’t do so until you stop needing them to so that you can feel good. your reality is mirroring your feelings back to you, it is not the cause of your feelings. So, change the way you feel and your reality will change.
I wrote a post about loving yourself: http://www.deliberateblog.com/2011/12/13/how-to-love-yourself/
Let me know how you get on! And if you’d like some help tackling these beliefs, I do have a couple of slots available in my coaching schedule.
Huge hugs!
Melody
I enjoyed this article very much. I was seeking a good list of ways to have better control over my ego, and it seems very little in life actually offends me. I have always thought of people as beings like me, living as best as they know how. All will not know the things I know unless I offer some of my knowledge to them and vice versa. Thats why its always so good to find these types of articles where people really try to help people. Thank you. I’ve read a lot of comments here (and other places) about women feeling offended by the things men do and say towards women. It took me a long time to feel offended by these things as well. I never use to be offended because I always figured they were raised the way they were behaving, and had never gotten around to figuring each situation they have with women with their own thoughts, observations and actions. However after the year after year of day after day of seeing these abuses thrown about as if they are not only normal but acceptable it gets harder to say, this is normal, this is ok. I don’t like to see a women dressed half naked or excessively revealing not because I hate my body, but fear whats going to happen to her in these times. I dont like to see a woman nursing a baby in public not because I hate myself but because I know any man around would be leering at her breasts or hating her for ancient reasons. I do not believe I think like this because I never have been one to leer or want to hurt pretty women in cute outfits, but because I have had to see these things happen, and know they exist. When I first see the mother or woman in little clothes, I never had much of a thought about it at all. Women dress differently, not amazing to me. Babies get hungry, also not very astonishing; but people reacting to each as if they are horrors or invitation to pain or condemnation or worse seems to happen more often than not. So I’m left wondering, what in me, could be offended by these seemingly un natural reactions to women, or their bodies, or their feeding a child? I just realized , I could think these things were of the past, and they don’t happen anymore and then they will fade away. Or have I just had a bad realization?
Hi Sen,
Welcome to Deliberate Receiving!
I don’t believe that you are offended by breast feeding women or women in skimpy outfits. From what you’ve written here it seems that you have developed a belief, a fear, that engaging in these behaviors will make them vulnerable – that it will cause other men out there to hurt them. This isn’t the same as being offended, but it IS a false belief, as you have even come to realize. Sure, there are men who will be offended by a woman’s body. But those who are will only meet up with women who feel vulnerable – meaning, that if a woman feels truly secure and is giving off that vibration, she can dress as skimpy as she wants and not get hassled by anyone. As long as you believe that women are vulnerable when they dress in a certain way or engage in certain behaviors, that they can be hurt and there’s nothing they can do about it, you will continue to see evidence of that belief.
But everything is energy and everything is a co-creation. You cannot meet up with someone who isn’t a vibrational match to you. So, right now, you can’t meet up with women who wear skimpy outfits and have no issues with anyone. And women who don’t feel secure but wear a skimpy outfit cannot meet up with men who will respect them and have no issues with their skimpiness. But… change the vibration and you’ll meet up with a very different scenario. What’s in your reality is a direct reflection of what’s in your vibration.
Do you think that women in general are in danger of men? Do you think that they must protect themselves from men by not dressing provocatively and by not breastfeeding? Do you think that most men are simply animals who cannot control themselves and will hurt women the first chance they get, only being kept in check by the law? Do you believe women are generally weak and at the mercy of these male beasts, kind of like prey in the wild? I’m exaggerating the belief a bit here, but you get the point… Women aren’t weak and men aren’t beasts. So, even if a man is offended by a woman’s body, so what? It’s really his problem. By being afraid of what he might do, you’re giving him a great deal of power and being a bit unfair. Should we automatically assume that all men are potentially dangerous? Lots of people do, but is that really the reality we want to live in?
You do not believe that dressing skimpy is wrong, and you do not see it as a value judgement. But you don’t think that other men are as enlightened as you and you’re concerned for the women. What if most other men ARE are as enlightened as you? What if the men who want to hurt women are in the extreme minority (which, BTW they are, even though the media wants to make you think otherwise)? And really, unless you are a vibrational match to these men and the women they are a match to, you will never see the “evidence” of that belief.
Ok, those are my two cents. I hope it was helpful. 🙂
Huge hugs!
Melody
Hi Melody 🙂
First let me say I am so happy to have found your blog. Today I Googled “How to stop being offended” which brought me here. I have since read a few other posts and I am excited to say I am now subscribed to your blog and looking forward to following you!
So here’s what offends me and has been getting under my skin for years – derogatory jokes about women and particularly when it comes to a woman’s ‘place in the home’. What provoked this in me today was a cartoon on my Facebook news feed that went like this:
Woman to man: Please whisper dirty things in my ear!
Man to woman: Kitchen…bathroom…living room…
I read that and felt offended. I’d like to be able to lighten up about it. It’s a joke!
Some guy friends I had in college would jokingly bark at their girlfriends calling them, instead of by name, “Woman!” and this always irked me. Currently I’m working with a man who is regularly attributing differences in work habits between people in the office (specifically the women) to their gender. I get so angry when he does this.
I could share a lot about myself that might be relevant, but truly I’ve been offended about these kind of jokes since my early twenties or perhaps my teens. So without sharing anything more about myself, would you be so kind as to share your perspective on being offended by these types of jokes?
Hey Jen,
Welcome to Deliberate Receiving! So great to have you here.
Well, the first thing you want to ask yourself is: What thought are these comments triggering in you that are causing the actual offense? you’re not offended by their words or actions, but by whatever thought you’re having about yourself. These men can’t diminish you, but you can diminish yourself. Perhaps you have a secret fear that you, as a woman, aren’t as good as men? That you will always be disadvantaged somehow? That you’ll always have to work harder than men to prove yourself, and that men somehow have the ability to keep you down? That in some sense, even though it’s totally not fair, women are the weaker sex? Remember that fears don’t have to be logical or rational. Many of us grew up in an environment where women were thought of as less than, and we could easily have picked up those thoughts as kids. But they didn’t feel good, and so we started to rebel against them. When you feel anger, as you described, the cause is always powerlessness – on some level you think these men might be right. They are pointing out to you that you have a fear. Perhaps you’re afraid that you’ll never be able to work hard enough to get equal treatment and respect and you fully resent the fact that you have to.
But here’s the thing: When you fully realize how powerful you are and that being a woman or man has NOTHING to do with that power, comments such as these don’t bother you anymore. You see them for what they are: Men who feel inadequate trying to regain some of their own personal power by making derogatory remarks. It’s like the overweight woman who feels badly about herself calling the skinny girl a bitch. Men who are really chauvinistic are generally intimidated by women. They resent this feeling and lash out, sometimes in subtle and not so subtle ways. Their comments are not a reflection on you or women in general, but their own insecurities.
Men who are secure actually like strong, secure women.
And when you make peace with your inner fears and realize that you are not just as capable, but just as deserving as anyone else (and I don’t just mean realize it intellectually, I mean FEEL it), you won’t meet up with men like that anymore. They won’t have access to you. :o)
I hope that was helpful.
Huge hugs!
Melody
This is going to seem petty but it is an illustration of the type of relationship I have had with my sister for all of my life. The other day my sister started a thread on Facebook of a political nature. She started it by voicing her opinion about a particular issue. I commented on the thread my opinion. I said nothing personal just my opinion which was a different viewpoint than hers. After all, I didn’t take her opinion personal; I thought she opened a forum for discussion. Upon signing back into Facebook later I see that she has deleted my comments from her thread. I then received a message from her in my inbox saying this, “Sorry your comment made me so angry I had to delete it. I still love you though.” After this I felt dismissed, disrespected, and hurt that she would not even so much as value my opinion as simply a different one and agree to disagree. I don’t even get that common courtesy from my own sister. I then became angry and offended. I did not respond though because I have learned that reacting to her antics breeds strife. She believes that I should respect her feelings of anger (because she has a right to feel that way) as she always says. This is true but I do not get the same treatment. If I were to message her back saying that what she said and did was hurtful or ask her a logical question like “why start a political discussion voicing your opinions if you aren’t capable of handling others politely voicing theirs” I would most likely get a very snide response in regards to her having a right to feel the way she feels and I should just accept it. True, I should accept it because I can’t change her but here is my question. How do I then not get angry, offended, and hurt by her blatant dismissal of my thoughts? How do I get rid of the ‘need’ for her to respect me enough to value what I have to say? I don’t need her to agree with me on anything, just common respect is what I request. Obviously though, she cannot give me what I want/need in situations like this so how do I let it go and not let it bother me?
Hey Amber,
This isn’t petty at all. This is a perfect example of how people get offended every day. Thank you for sharing this with us here.
First of all, your sister does have a right to her emotions. But so do you. Her behavior is triggering these reactions in you, because you have some thoughts about yourself that aren’t serving you. I’d guess that these thoughts are along the lines of “I’m not important enough for my opinion to matter to others. No one takes me seriously, or wants to listen to me. I don’t matter enough.”
Your anger and offense are signs that you’re rebelling against these thoughts (not your sister. She’s just a target…) Good. Rebel away. You want to scream “Listen to ME!” You want her to hear you. You want your comments to matter, for her and others to validate you and to connect with them. You want them to understand you.
But they can’t. Not until you validate yourself. This isn’t really about your sister. It’s about you and how you feel about yourself. You get rid of your need for her to respect you, by respecting yourself. I know this sounds cliche, but it’s the truth.
Try to think of an example in your life when someone listened to you. They really heard you and thought about what you had to say. You had a great conversation, each adding your thoughts to the mix, while respecting the others’ input. How did that feel? Focus on that feeling. This is your proof that your belief is false. Hang on to that moment and replay it in your mind as much as you can. The belief will fight you at first. Your mind will try to pull you toward examples of when you felt disrespected. Try to resist that and just bring your thoughts back to your positive example (all you need is one. That’s enough). Do this again and again. It will get easier each time, but it will take a bit of practice. Reach for that higher vibration as often as possible. Also, don’t try to do this when you’re with your sister. Do this work on your own.
Our family triggers us like no one else can. When you no longer need your sister to respect you, you won’t need anyone to respect you. And then, respect will come from all side, including your sister.
I’ve done this, BTW. I’ve completely changed my relationship with several of my family members. It’s like they’re completely different people around me now. They haven’t changed, but I have. And I evoke a different version of them now, because I no longer need them to do anything for me. I feel good no matter what they do. And now, I see only versions of them that are easy for me to feel good about.
Give it a try. It really does work. 🙂
Huge hugs!
Melody
Yes Melody, you nailed it! I needed her to value me in order to ‘feel’ valuable. She has been a major trigger most of my life. This is great what you said because before I even read your comment I had an epiphany today. I realized that my views, thoughts, and opinions ARE valuable. Whether or not my sister or anyone else dismisses these things, it is neither my concern nor my problem. I know that my mind and what I have to offer is valuable. There are plenty of people that tell me how much they love to hear what I have to say. One gal even emailed me privately just a few days ago and told me that she likes reading by my comments and posts on Facebook because “it gives her food for thought, inspiration, and a feeling that humanity is not lost.” How great of a compliment is that?! She actually thanked me! That’s pretty cool, getting thanked for basically just being you! A couple older women have messaged me in the recent past telling me they always enjoy reading my posts because they are full of wisdom. These are the things that I will focus on! I will also continue being the valuable, smart, caring, compassionate person that I am and overlook others un-founded offenses and wish the best for them! I love my mind and everything that comes out of it!
P.S. I signed up to recieve your newsletter and listened to your free audio. AMAZING! You wouldn’t (actually you would) believe what I attracted today! My husband and I have had some disharmony lately but after reading things you have said and listeneing to your audio, I sent out love vibes to my husband and focused on times that we have connected and been in harmony. This might seem small but I ALWAYS ask my husband to call me before he heads home from work (just in case I need something from town and so I know when to expect him) and he rarely remembers which frustrates me. I have to admit I nag about it which just gets me more of what I don’t want and less of what I do. Today however, not only did he call me but he was EXTREMELY pleasant on the other end of the phone (usually he’s pretty grumpy after work) but he also brought me home my absolute favorite gift/treat, chocolate covered strawberries from The Chocolate Factory! I didn’t even mention it to him! We have been in harmony all night long and let me tell ya…lately that hasn’t been the case.
Law of attraction…works every single time!
Wonderful! You focused on what you wanted, changed your vibration a bit and saw IMMEDIATE manifestation of that shift. This is exactly how it works.
Thanks for sharing this powerful example with us here.
Huge hugs to you!
Melody
Right on Amber! Again, our family will trigger us in ways that no one else can. We often dismiss the positive opinions of a hundred others, and accept the one negative comment from a family member. We deem them more important. But why? They are just people with their own crap, just like everyone else. Their opinions aren’t worth more. And one of their negative comments shouldn’t have the power to cancel out all the other positive ones. Unless we give that power.
It’s easier for you to allow this feeling of validation to come to you from strangers. That’s why it comes from them more easily. That’s it. Keep focusing on that and you can totally shift what you elicit from your sister (but just allow that to happen. Don’t keep looking for it or you’ll focus on how she’s NOT doing it yet…)
It totally works. 🙂
Hugs!
Melody
Hi Tiera (what a gorgeous name!),
There are a couple of things going on here: When someone makes a hurtful comment to you like this, the only reason it hurts you is because there’s a part of you that thinks what they’re saying might be true. They’re pointing things out to you that you, yourself don’t feel good about. If there wasn’t a belief like this buried inside you somewhere, not only would their comments not hurt you, those comments wouldn’t be in your reality in the first place.
Also, you react strongly to their dismissal of your pain, because you think they’re saying that they are right in their original comment and there’s nothing you can do about it (i.e. you have no right to complain). None of that is true.
Your reactions, your feelings, are telling you that the way that you’re looking at this is not in agreement to what the real you, who you really are, believes about this situation. This does not mean that you have to forgive the people that hurt you and just lie down and take it. But it also doesn’t mean you should find better ways to fight them. You need to stop focusing on them altogether. This has nothing to do with them and everything to do with you and what you believe about yourself.
Stop comparing yourself to others. This is not where your self-esteem comes from. Chances are, when you look in the mirror, you zero right in on the bits you don’t like. Start looking for the things you do like and train yourself to look at those exclusively. This will take a bit of discipline at first. Send love to those who hurt you (you don’t have to tell them you’re doing this). Why? Because if you can get into the vibration of love, which is a very high vibration, you’ll shift a lot of energy. What they think about you doesn’t matter. All they’re doing is holding up a mirror to what’s inside you. They’re doing you a favor, showing you what false beliefs you hold about yourself. The reason the comments don’t feel good is because they’re not true! There’s nothing wrong with you. And deep down you know that. You rebel against the idea that you’re broken in some way, because you know you’re not. Hold on to that.
It takes some time to change how you view yourself. You’ve been practicing your current view of yourself for some time, so it will take a bit of effort to change that habit. But you can absolutely do it. You can do two things – start to look at yourself in a more positive light, and/or just go do something else that makes you happy and take your focus off of the issue altogether. I’d recommend a bit of both.
You’re beautiful and worthy and here to do great things! And I know you can absolutely overcome these little thoughts that aren’t serving you. I’d love to hear how you get on, so please do keep in touch.
Hugs,
Melody
Hi melody, well there are two things that offend me the most, one when someone – namely people i’m related to try to make me feel bad about myself, like they’ll say all these nice things about themselves then compare to me to make me feel bad i.e “i have the hottest legs, look at your knees though, they’re all knobbly, glad mine aren’t like that” and then the 2nd part us whenever i try to politely tell someone how they offended me & ask me to stop they shoo me off and tell me i’m just too sensitive… huh? how is that sensitive, you’re being blatantly disrespectful and rude to me! smh what do you think melody?
Offended can make us hurt but we should think in positive way in these case.When people’re angry,they ussually speak anything that make them more comfortable.So we must control our temper so that there’s nothing happening
Thanks Jessica. Exactly. As long as you don’t take it personally, and realize their comment has more to do with them than you, you won’t have a reaction. It’s only when we allow what other people say and think to affect our we feel about ourselves that we can be offended.
Hugs,
Melody
Great article. Being offended is a national epidemic here in Canada. In the past 30 years we have Coached people in over 30 countries and never before have we meet so many people who are easily offended as Canadians.
This article should be COMPULSORY reading for all Canadians.
Thanks Terry! I’m not sure Canada has a monopoly on the easily offended, he, he. But it does make sense that those who share similar views (and energy) would find each other. So perhaps you’ve stumbled into a pocket (nest? gaggle?) of EOI’s. (Easily Offended Individuals). He, he.
Hugs,
Melody
Thanks Melody.
Actually, it’s been a long time since I’ve taken some me-time. I’ll try your suggestion. And you’re right. I guess I’ve been feeling a bit threatened by her. And I don’t really have any reason to be. I guess I didn’t want to admit that. I already feel better, just knowing what I can do next.
Thank you for everything you do!
Karen
Ok, I feel I should know the answer to this, especially after reading your article, but I can’t seem to shift my perspective on this, as you say. I work in an office and there’s a younger woman here who dresses quite provocatively. She’s very pretty, but I think her attire is inappropriate and yes, I’m a bit offended. I can’t understand why nobody says anything to her, but the bosses (mostly male) obviously like that sort of thing. I rarely get offended, and I know this is totally irrational, but I just want to throw a blanket over her every time I see her. Can you help?
Hi Karen,
The fact that you’re having a reaction to this woman’s way of dressing means that she’s mirroring something back to you. Why does her choice of clothing bother you? If she’s dressing provocatively, she probably feels quite comfortable in her body. And she’s getting a reaction – which also bothers you. I’m guessing that perhaps you don’t feel as comfortable in your body as you’d like, and her display of obvious confidence is hitting that nerve. Perhaps you don’t get the reaction from men that you’d like, and you’ve decided somewhere deep down that this is because you’re not attractive enough and by extension, not good enough. And that thought feels awful, because your inner being, who you really are, doesn’t agree with you. Seeing your colleague triggers this feeling and so now you’ve associated it with her, but she’s not the cause. She’s just the trigger. The cause is your belief that you don’t measure up, which isn’t true. Sexiness has nothing to do with your clothes or if a modeling agency would hire you. Meryl Streep is not classically beautiful, but there are MANY who think she’s hot. Sophie Loren is in her 70’s and still has tons of admirers of all ages. I suggest that you invest some time in feeling good about yourself. Go to a spa and get pampered. Get a new outfit that fits really well and makes you feel pretty and sexy (buy a sexy black dress, for example). Get your hair and makeup done, or spend more time than you usually do getting all dolled up. Really go all out. Put on music that makes you feel sexy. This is about you falling in love with you. When was the last time you took a beauty day, bought a new outfit that wasn’t practical, surprised your husband with naughty lingerie? You’re not doing this to look better (although that’s a nice side benefit) but to feel better. You’ll be amazed at how your attitude changes when you doll yourself up. And if this seems like a lot of work for nothing, remind yourself that your inner being thinks you’re worth it. So should you. 🙂
Hugs,
Melody