So, you met the girl or guy of your dreams. You’ve both fallen hopelessly in love with each other. The world is suddenly a beautiful place. Birds are singing, a gentle breeze is blowing, people everywhere are beautiful, and everything seems shiny and new. There is nothing but bliss. And then… you have your first little argument. No big deal. Arguments happen. You’re fine. Everything’s fine. Except… there’s this one little quality you never noticed before. It’s no longer perfect. You’re a little bit annoyed. But that’s ok. You can get over that. Nobody’s perfect, right? They’re still a thousand times better than your stupid ex. Yes, life is good. If only it weren’t for that other little quality you recently discovered. It’s nagging at you. Oh, and there’s one more thing that bothers you. You’re starting to have doubts. Are they the perfect one for you? You were so sure just a little while ago. Now, well, you’re finding more and more things that you just have to tolerate if you want to stay with this person. And as time goes by, there are more arguments, maybe even fights. You just disagree on so many things! How could you have been so wrong? They seemed so perfect, when clearly they’re just as bad as your stupid ex. In fact, they mysteriously have a lot of the same qualities. Ack! You have to get away from this person! Why are there no good women or men left in this world??

What the hell just happened?  How did you go from absolute bliss and perfection to “what the #$%& was I thinking?” Are you just a horrible judge of character? Or perhaps you’re incredibly unlucky and you just keep falling for psychos who are excellent liars. Maybe there really are no good women or men left in the world. Are you doomed to keep meeting versions of your stupid ex?

The Good News

There are plenty of great potential partners out there. Women and men of awesome quality abound. You are not unlucky and you are not doomed. You’ve just fallen into a pattern, a well worn groove, a false paradigm of how relationships unfold. It’s the paradigm that’s doomed, not you. And once you understand how to get out of that groove and construct a different pattern, you’ll be able to experience a very different kind of relationship.

The Bad News

There is no bad news. Quit looking for bad news. What’s wrong with you? There is however…

The Annoying News

Yep, you guessed it. I’m going to tell you that it all starts with you, and that if you want to change your reality, you’ll have to make some changes within yourself. But don’t worry, I’m not going to send you out into the seemingly cruel world of love without some tools. First, let’s look at the main belief that causes most problems in relationships – romantic or otherwise.

It’s not their job to make you happy

The main problem with all relationships is that we keep looking for someone else who possesses qualities which we don’t, who will make us “complete” or happy. We think that if only we can find the right person, they will fill all the gaps in our life that we currently think we can’t. We are giving them the responsibility for how we feel. So, if they would only act a certain way, then we could be happy. And if they don’t act that way, we suddenly feel that we made a mistake. They’re not the perfect one. Well, I have news for you:

There is no perfect one. Stop freaking looking for the perfect one

Now, I know you’ve heard this before, but generally in the context of: No one is perfect, you have to make compromises. There are things you just have to learn to put up with and learn to be happy in spite of. That’s not what I’m saying here.

My point is that what the other person does and what qualities they possess are really irrelevant. It all comes down to your own vibration. Only you have control over how you feel. There isn’t a person out there that can act in a way that will make you happy forever. It’s never going to happen, so stop looking for that. And the answer isn’t to learn to look at someone super annoying and learn to love them anyway, probably through gritted teeth. There’s a different option: shift your vibration, become happy no matter what and attract a relationship that enhances that happiness. Attract someone who’s incredibly fun to play with, who is also happy, who can hold a high vibration when you falter (instead of bitching with you), who supports you in your wildest dreams and who you can grow to new heights with. Stop looking for someone to pull you out of the muck. Pull yourself out and attract someone who’s done the same.

When you make someone responsible for how you feel, you doom the relationship

The problem with most relationships is this: Both parties make the other responsible for how they feel. If only Dick would behave the way that Jane wants, she could be happy. And if only Jane would do what Dick wants, he could be happy. So, both are unhappy and blaming the other for it. And as time goes on, both get more and more miserable, until they decide that they’re not compatible.

You find what you go looking for

When people first fall in love, they tend to focus only on the parts of the other person that they like. There seem to be no negative qualities. The other person is “perfect”. And because they’re looking at their new partner with eyes of perfection, it feels good. This is important: The reason that you feel so good when you first fall in love is not because the other person hasn’t revealed their inner psycho yet. It’s because you’re looking at the other person in a way that Who You Really Are, your pure, positive energy self, totally agrees with. You think they’re gorgeous. Your inner being agrees. You think they’re amazing and intelligent and funny and kind. Your inner being agrees. You are focusing only on the positives and your inner being agrees.

But, we’re not supposed to just focus on someone’s positive aspects, are we? We’ve been taught to be more realistic than that. Because, if we don’t go looking for and discover all their flaws, we’re living in some kind of dream world (albeit a really happy one), and well, um, I forget… What exactly is wrong with that? But I digress. We’re supposed to face reality. And so, we begin to slowly but surely look for qualities that we don’t like. Maybe something we can “fix”.  And, as we begin to focus on annoying character traits, the Law of Attraction begins to bring us more and more of them until we declare that we were obviously mistaken. They’re not perfect at all and we can no longer see why we ever thought they were.

How about we change the pattern?

Your relationships are mirrors to your vibration

All of your relationships, friendships, family, business, romantic, etc, are mirrors for what’s going on inside you. Let’s say you have a fear of abandonment. Guess what? You’re going to attract people that abandon you emotionally or physically. Your beliefs and what you focus on are quite literally creating your reality. And if you change your energy, if you release some of these beliefs and raise your vibration, your relationships will change. If possible, you will meet up with a different version of the people you know. That means, if a version of them that matches your new vibration exists, you will meet up with that version. If it doesn’t, they will gravitate out of your existence and you’ll attract new relationships that are a match.

If you don’t clean up your vibration, you’re doomed to recreate the same mess over and over again

If you’re currently in a relationship that’s less than stellar, you may be tempted to just quit and try to start over again. We often think that’s the solution: Break up and find someone more suitable. Except, since you’re the one who attracted this relationship, and ALL the details that go with it, you will continue to attract the exact same scenario over and over again until and unless you change your vibration. And it’s actually easier to do that if you have someone to mirror your energy back to you (in most cases. See below for when it’s time to get out).

How do you clean up your vibration?

  • Take responsibility for the way you feel. They can’t make you happy. No one can, except you. If you’re experiencing negative emotion, it’s an indication that you have a belief or a thought that isn’t serving you. Stop blaming them and work on becoming happy no matter what.
  • Whenever you do experience negative emotion, stop and think: “What am I focusing on right now?” In whatever way you’re looking at that situation, isn’t in line with how Who You Really Are is looking at it and it isn’t serving you.
  • Change your perspective on that subject to one that feels better and shift your vibration.
  • Go back to looking only at your partner’s positive qualities. Make lists of what you love about them, what you’re grateful for. Deliberately work yourself into a higher vibration on this subject.
  • STOP looking for things to disagree with or criticize. Stop being so damn “realistic”. The goal is not to ferret out all possible versions of your partner – the good, the bad and the psycho. The goal is to be happy. This is not denial. Denial is focusing on someone’s negative qualities and pretending to be ok with them. That will destroy your soul. I’m recommending not looking at those negative qualities at all and focusing purely on the positive ones.

How to know when it’s time to get out

Now, while it’s generally easier to shift your vibration while still in the relationship, there are times when it’s more beneficial or even necessary to get out. If the evidence of your current vibration is so compelling, if it’s so distracting that you’re unable to shift your energy, then it’s best to break off the relationship and go your separate ways.

For example:

  • If the relationship is physically or emotionally abusive, break up.
  • If either party feels that being with the other causes them to sharply spiral downward, in other words, if the mere thought of your partner puts you in a horrible mood that takes you a long time to pull yourself out of, break up.
  • If the relationship you’re in is so dysfunctional that you can’t even imagine a better one, break up.

These are just a few examples. Bottom line, if the situation you’re in is so negative that you’re unable to focus on something more positive (and only you can decide when a relationship meets that criteria), it’s better to get out and THEN clean up your vibration.

That last point, however, is key: you must change your point of attraction (your vibration is what determines what comes into your reality) if you don’t want to re-create the same mess over and over again. If you can’t do this while in the relationship, do it after you’ve broken up. But remember that breaking up is not a solution to the problem. It may be a necessary step, but that’s all it will ever be.

You haven’t even scratched the surface of what’s possible

Once again, I know it’s annoying to always have to work on ourselves. Can’t a psycho bitch ever just be a psycho bitch? But the wonderful thing is that you really can change, even drastically, what kinds of relationships you attract. You can transform the connections you currently have in your life as well as improve who comes into your existence from now on. I promise you this: even in your most elated, struck blind by love moments, you haven’t even scratched the surface of realizing the amazing awesomeness of what’s achievable in a relationship. Once you begin to take responsibility for how you feel and what and who you receive into your world, you’ll be shown possibilities beyond anything you’ve ever imagined. No matter how good you think it can get, it can get better. 🙂


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  • Thanks Melody!

    At the moment, imagining myself in a relationship is stressful, and being single is joyful and freeing, so it looks like I’m on the right path at least for now.

    Thank you for your insights on being an empath. Coming so late to the realization (this year!), I’ve spent my life feeling different, being told by partners that I was too sensitive, drilled by my mother to hide (though she called the ‘problem’ something different), not understanding that I was picking up others’ emotions and thinking they were my own. On the upside, people like me – hee hee! It’s actually a huge upside. I’ve always felt there was an angel hovering around me, especially as a child. I thought it was my Christmas birthday.

    As always, you are a reassuring friend to talk with. Do let me know when you’re available for counselling. It feels like the issues are clarifying, and I’m ready to shift. I’m thinking about taking master level reiki at the end of January, and know that will be a giant leap. Some extra preparation could be a good thing.

    Hugs, and have a wonderful day!

    Mary Carol

  • Hi Melody,

    Thanks for pointing me toward this post. As I read the post and comments, it strikes me that we are actually on the same page about relationships, which makes sense since we often seem to have similar perceptions.

    Up to now for me, romantic relationships haven’t worked, at least over the long haul. And if something’s not working, the best thing to do is step back and work on yourself. That’s what I’m doing, focusing on all the positives in my amazing life, expressing enormous gratitude for many blessings, and feeling my vibration soar. It feels like my spirit swoops and climbs like an eagle in flight, skimming the mountaintops.

    At this point, a romantic relationship seems irrelevant, not part of my current path. Maybe that’s resistance or a limiting belief, but it feels more like authenticity. I love my friends, and I love the boundaries too.

    One last thought – How do you think being an empath impacts LOA? Obviously, it doesn’t affect the law, but what about how we interact with the law? I feel like being an empath has made my life incredibly more complicated, but also richer. In some ways, I think my tendency to withdraw and ponder stems from having spent my life touching sparks.

    Sincere thanks for continually posting articles that challenge my status quo, pushing me to question and either reaffirm or rethink. As always, you are appreciated.


    Mary Carol

    • Hey Mary Carol,

      It’s resistance if you don’t feel good when you think “I don’t even want a relationship right now.” That means that you do, but you’re afraid. But if you feel good, then right now, being on your own is the best path forward. There’s a time to step back and heal and there’s a time to jump in and see where your vibration’s at. As usual, it’s all about how you feel in the moment. 🙂

      Being an empath can make your life harder, if you’re not aware of what’s going on. That’s why most of us had a very hard time early on – we felt things so deeply and were affected by others’ energy, but we didn’t know that’s what was happening or why, and that created confusion and pain.

      Being an empath when you know what’s going on, however, is a huge asset. It’s all about the awareness and perception. 🙂

      You’re welcome. And thanks to you for always adding such value to what’s here. You’re also very much appreciated dear Lady Awesomesauce. 😀

      Fuzzy puppy hugs!

    • Thanks Jayne!

      I’m getting a lot of relationship questions lately, so it’s definitely something people want to know about. I can’t wait to see what you come up with!

      And thanks for noticing! I have been doing some remodeling lately. Thought I’d make the blog and site look a bit more professional. Rolling out the big guns now… Ha!


  • Hi Melody… True on all counts! I couldn’t agree more. I also appreciate that if a person makes you feel so low and drains the energy you need to exit-stage-left.

    With that said, it’s worth trying the vibrational shift because sometimes we can get ourselves into such a tizzy thinking negative and looking for it we can’t see the forest for the trees.

    I think we can all go there if we allow ourselves.

    You know, while I was away I was listening to my self growth CD’s that are attached to my business and even though I have heard them before and enjoyed them, the relationship one hit me between the eyes this time and I have made about three pages of notes to turn into blog posts.

    We need to approach our relationship properly in order to it to blossom and there are so many easy ways of doing it that require us just to not make things so bloody difficult.

    Cant wait to write it… have to have an hour of quiet but I’m sure you might enjoy it or appreciate some of the simple common sense suggestions. ie: looking at the person the same way you did when you met them. Pretty powerful really.

    anyway… blah blah blah… got up at 5am – cant shake this daft cough…. didn’t want to wake the family! Will have toothpicks holding my eyes open this afternoon.



  • You’re freaking hilarious and I love it. What a breath of fresh air in this otherwise stuff “new age” world!

    This is very valuable advice. One of my friends said to me the other day, “When are you going to change your vibration and stop attracting the crazies?!” and I said, “TODAY!”. I’m single now but I’m hoping I attract Ms. Right (and Sane) soon!

    • Ah Lindsay, thank you so much. I’ve only recently decided to fully embrace my inner dork and be completely myself in my writing. Feedback such as yours is really helping me to realize that it was the right decision. 🙂

      I love how phrases such as “change your vibration” are becoming mainstream. And congrats on your decision. Ms. Right will be sane. That’s part of what makes her Ms. Right. So that’s the litmus test: if she’s a nutter, she’s not Ms. Right. They should put that on a bumper sticker.


  • Melody, my dear, I have to admit that I have my doubts about the Law of Attraction – please still love me! 🙂 – I read the book and it was just not what I thought it would be and I found out that even my best friend from childhood is a devout believer but I still have my small little doubts – and your podcasts and now your writing – is helping me put it into a more practical and pragmatic use …. I need to read more and listen more but I am so happy I came by and THANK YOU!!! Please keep it up!

    • Hi Farnoosh!
      So glad to see you here, girl! And thank you so much for your wonderful words. That’s the whole point of this site – to make sense of the LOA in a way that can actually be applied in real life. 🙂

      And don’t worry. I have a lot of those “fire” moments. I’m not stopping anytime soon.


  • Our relationships are the mirrors of our vibration.

    It is so true, but not many people really understand this concept. Most people get stuck in their emotions. I found that the more I can balance my emotions, the better my relationships with others AND with myself.

    Forgiving others and showing compassion are the best ways of balancing myself and avoid the necessity of ‘time outs’. But I a have to agree: they are also the most difficult to do. The ego is a very smart piece of nature.

    Thanks for sharing!

    • Hi Marc,

      This is so true! Forgiving, sending love, showing compassion – these are all activities and states of mind that benefit US. And yep, it does take work. But it’s so worth it every time we do manage to get it right. 🙂

      Thanks for the comment!

  • If I had to sum up this post with one word it would be, outstanding. In relationships it is almost a normal condition for us to think that it is the other person’s job to make us happy. Now don’t get me wrong I do believe that there should be some type of joy when we interact with the one we love but it is not their job to MAKE us be happy. I know this from personal experience. My wife and I used to love doing the same things. As time has progressed and our relationship has matured we have several differences. I used to need her company in everything that I did. Now I value our personal space and time apart to do things we enjoy because it keeps our relationship healthy. (if that is possible being married to me). You gave me some much needed clarification and insight.

    • Hi Frank,

      Thanks so much for your kind words! Generally, people who have been in successful (read: happy) relationships for a long time (not calling your old or anything…) get this point. 🙂 Also, I love how you pointed out that relationships and people evolve and change. So, if you tie your happiness to your partner’s behavior, even if they meet those expectations at first, they’ll never continue to meet them over time. It’s a recipe for doom and gloom.

      Thanks for stopping by!


  • I have a question, Melody. How does this apply when there are kids in the picture? It’s relatively easy to break-up when you’re dating, but what happens when the marriage goes sour after kids fall into the picture? Surely breaking-up isn’t the best way, at least not from the kids’ standpoint. And say one of the parents has a genuine problem, not something you can just ‘brush away’, but he / she genuinely loves the kids. What’s the approach then in terms of using the LOA?

    Also, what happens in situations where a couple fights with a passion but also loves the same way? Lots of people are like that. How does a guy / girl stay away when they KNOW for a fact that the other genuinely, desperately loves him / her and would always stick by them no matter what. The only issue here happens to be those ‘downsides that can’t be ignored’, like you said. It’s like “I know I love her and she loves me, but I just can’t stand her at the same time!!” Of all the topics concerning the LOA, this one seems to baffle me the most because relationships are so complex and don’t just concern one person (like a job, career, etc). It concerns two people with lots of hopes and dreams invested in the relationship.

    What would your suggestion be in situations like these?

    • Hi Derrek,

      Ok, let me try and hit all the points you raised:

      Regarding kids: First of all, I would not assume that staying together for the kids’ sake is always the best solution – for the parents or the kids. Kids can survive divorce, especially if both parents are much happier for it. The solution for all of this is going to be the same, so I’ll leave that for last.

      Let’s say you’re in a passionate, love/hate/fight/make up relationship. If you’re happy the way things are, fine. But if not, IT DOES NOT MATTER if the other person loves you or will always be there for you. Staying in a situation that makes you deeply unhappy is settling – it comes from belief that you’d rather be with someone imperfect than no one at all.

      You have to remember that even if you’re dealing with multiple people, you can only ever control your own experience and that’s all you’re responsible for. But refusing to move towards happiness (by changing your vibration which may or may not necessitate leaving) because you’re afraid of affecting the other person is nonsense. You can’t affect them anymore than they can affect you – that is to say, only to the degree that you both allow it.

      Focus on what you want. Stop focusing on what you don’t want. If you have kids, you will have desires for them. You can include those, i.e., that you want your children to be ok, well adjusted, to know unequivocally that you both love them, you want the split, if it’s necessary, to be peaceful, and you still want to be part of the children’s lives. Focus on what you want and leave the “how” to the Universe. Chances are, if you’re having a problem with these scenarios it’s because you can’t envision how what you’d want could come about. But you don’t have to. That’s not your job.

      Keep in mind that if you do the energy work, it’s quite possible that a split is not the best solution.

      The advice for all scenarios is the same (you’re going to get sick of me saying this, but there is no other answer): Focus on your own happiness, focus on what you want, on how you want your relationships to feel, focus on the positive aspects of everyone involved. Get into a high vibrational place, and you will line up with the reality (there’s more than one) that has everything in it that you want. The only limitation on what you can receive is what you believe that you can. If you’ve decided that you really have to split with your girl, for example and you believe that it’s going to get ugly, it will. But if you take some time and shift that belief and focus on all the good, the split can be much more amicable than you ever dreamed. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen people do a complete 180 after I did some energy aligning. You’ll be shocked at how people in your presence begin to match your new vibration.

      I hope that helps. 🙂



  • Good article!

    My personal experience is tricky. I tend to give the gift of freedom as well as require it. The problem is, though, that a relationship and “freedom” often don’t “work well together” so the other person starts being “mega free” and they do things like “screw other people” which of course, is TOO MUCH FREEDOM unless there was agreement before hand or something. (I’ve never been in that territory and I suspect such an agreement would likely end badly unless you are Hugh Hefner)

    Of course, I do pretty well on my own when all is said and done–but it is rather hard to have sex with yourself. That doesn’t stop me from trying, though.

    At the end of the day, I do value freedom more than a relationship if I have to pick, and I suspect I always will.

    • Hmmm, could it be that you have a belief that you have to either choose freedom or a relationship? That having a relationship means giving up your freedom? That’s a limiting belief, nothing more. But until you release that and choose another truth, you’ll always attract people who will prove you right…

      Keep trying. One of these days you’ll get it right. 😉


      • Melody,

        I wouldn’t say that I do. In my mind, I see it working blissfully. In reality, though, not so much. There really doesn’t have to be a choice between freedom and a relationship, but usually the actions of the other person force the issue. So, if the issue is forced, then I will always pick freedom. If anything, I’d say I compromise when it might be better not to.

        I think lots of life comes down to what you choose to value. Many people have relationships that, to my mind anyway, suck. I always thought anything could be worked out provided two people could come together and talk, but reality is a bit more complicated than that. Some people don’t know themselves well enough TO talk, or they talk, and their actions don’t match.

        That’s when your core values get tested.

        • Well, this is probably where our philosophies differ again, but from my view, your reality is a mirror to your beliefs. So, if freedom haters keep showing up for you, there’s a little vibration in there somewhere that’s creating that…

          I do agree with you on the value point, though. In the end, we have to decide what we’re willing to put up with in terms of misery. I think deciding to feel good is a value, too. 🙂

          Oh, and by “Keep trying”, I was responding to the thing that Derrek was talking about. Good God, I just made myself blush.


  • Melody this is so true. I also noticed that whatever I give to the relationship I get back. When I am more loving to my wife she is more loving back. When I add value (this usually takes time) in a business relationship, I am given money or other gifts just for being me.

    It’s really cool once we realize that the control that we need to master is the control of our own vibrations.

  • I think you wrote the ‘annoying’ news part for me. lol

    great post – so right on.

    Best line – We think that if only we can find the right person, they will fill all the gaps in our life that we currently think we can’t. Yeah, we absolutely need to get over the fact that someone else is going to make us happy.

    I’ve been thinking – we want to find the perfect partner but how much have we perfected ourselves? Why is the search for love an external experience when we need to work on ourselves first?

    • Ha, ha, ha Vishnu. Maybe just a little bit… 🙂

      You make a great point. In energy terms, we have to become a match to our vision. We think another person will get us there, but they can’t. They have their own reality to create. It all starts with us.


  • Hi Melody,

    Excellent post as usual! “you’ll have to make some changes within yourself.” Exactly, this is what needs to be done whenever someone has relationship problems or any kind of problem for that matter. The answer is within us. Before we attract someone that has most of the qualities that we have, we have to believe and expect that. We have to actually focus on those qualities that we desire. Only then can the relationship improve or attract someone with the qualities we want. Thanks for sharing Melody, great job. 🙂

  • Hi Melody,

    Wonderful post! Love that there’s no bad news 😉 Yes, life is a mirror, and it’s important to acknowledge how we bring relationships into our lives. I was recently at a wedding where the bride and groom included vows to always take responsibility for their actions and reactions. It was so beautifully awakened! May we all learn this important lesson 🙂

    • Oooh, I love that! Dean Walsch, from Conversations with God, put out a book of “enlightened” wedding vows. The main point behind them is that neither party will make the other responsible for their happiness. I’m sure we’ll see more weddings like that in the future… 🙂

      Thanks for your lovely comment.

  • Hey Melody,
    We are taught to develop business plans for entrepreneurial endeavors, but who we enter into relationships with (probably the impactful decisions we have to make) is often done by default and in some cases almost an afterthought. Good post.

    • Great point, Riley. Generally, even when we know someone’s not right for us, there’s this fear of dying old and alone. So we ignore our intuition and just go with it. Relationships (of all kinds) are really the most important way for us to express who we really are. They should be taken seriously. 🙂


  • I was so thrilled to read this post. I am on a journey for the next year to do just that – change my vibrations. And it was because I felt I was attracting the wrong type of relationships into my life (friendships, romantic/work relationships). Working on me seemed like the only way to change that and I’m so glad for the validation from this post. Thank you 🙂

  • I just spent the weekend in the car with my daughter who had just left her boyfriend of 5 years….they were just great friends who did not want a commitment and after she got her first teaching job over – she knew she was ready for a full term, fully committed relationship, a house and a child of her own….she loved her year of teaching and she was happy, happy….but he refused to even consider a commitment…I was proud that they went through lots of discussion and counseling, but the pain was still real.

    She started coming out of the pain, when she started applying for jobs to cover the other 1/2 of her teaching day…she refocused on what makes her happy and being able to pay her own way in a career that she loves… she was almost giddy

    great post…I sent it over to her too

    • Thanks Patricia. Sounds like you have a really mature and connected daughter! You make a really good point. Just because we see motivations more clearly and become more authentic, doesn’t mean that breaking up doesn’t hurt anymore.

      I’m glad your daughter had found her way through that pain and back to her connection.

      Hugs to both of you,

  • Very empowering blog Melody! I love how everything goes back to ourselves. We cause all situations and the appearance of certain types of people in our lives. What a world this would be if everyone would realize this level of accountability and ownership for their lives!!! This blog really hits the nail on the head on relationships. People always blame the other person when they are not happy, then they leave them, only to end up in the same sh@#t, different face. 🙂


    • You said it Kim. If only we could all learn this. But then… we’re doing so now, aren’t we? We can only ever do the best we can. Except now that we know better, no more excuses… 😉


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