It’s time for another reader inspired question. Liz sent me this heartfelt email with an issue most of us are all too familiar with (edited a bit for length):
“I only started learning about LOA at the beginning of July, after a friend lent me The Secret; I was going through a rough time. My relationship had ended among some other things, but the end of my relationship broke my heart; I loved this man so much, and still do.
My problem is that I thought I was doing well; I had stopped crying, was being happy, but I have lost my way. I was dealing with it all fine, I thought. I know I need to make myself happy and that no-one else can, and I truly believe in LOA, but other things have now happened and I feel that I am crumbling.
My question is, how do I stop myself from crying, how do I get back to that happy place? I am trying and thought I was doing great, but now I’m back to getting emotional again, filling up with tears and trying to talk myself out of it and find better thoughts. Then, half an hour later, the tears are stinging my eyes again. Just looking for a bit of clarity.”
Liz already has her answer, because I’m awesome like that. She then gave me permission to repost part of her question here, so that I could answer it more generally, for everyone’s benefit, because she’s awesome like that. Do you see how awesomeness attracts awesomeness? This is called the Law of Awesomeness. Ok, not really, but I still want that on a T-shirt. LOA: Law of Awesomeness. But I digress…
All relationships end at some point. Some end with death after 50 years of happy marriage, and some end after a few months, weeks, days or even hours. They will all end; that’s just a fact. But we don’t want to face that. We have this belief that we not only have the ability but some kind of responsibility to make all our relationships last forever. So, when a relationship ends, it signifies some kind of failure. We couldn’t make it work, most likely because there’s something wrong with us. We ask “Why did he leave me??”, “Why wasn’t I good enough?!”, “What does that skank have that I don’t have?”, and cause ourselves a great deal of suffering.
But the truth is that it was never our responsibility to make the relationship last for any length of time. Nor is that even possible. Because nothing we can DO will affect how long a relationship lasts. It all comes down to our energy.
You think you were attracted to his hunkyness and whit, but you weren’t
When two people are attracted to each other, it’s an energy thing. Oh sure, you may focus on the other person’s physical attributes (T&A or P&A*). But what you were feeling, the thing that gave you all the tingles and hot flashes, was the fact that your vibrations matched each other. It ain’t called good vibrations for nothin’, people. That’s what “chemistry” actually is – an energetic match between two people. Now, you don’t have to match up completely (no one ever does), but if a significant enough portion of your vibrations line up, there’s going to be a connection. Sometimes it’s a deep friendship, sometimes it’s love and fireworks and sometimes it’s a brief but satisfying, um, encounter of the dirty kind. The more closely your vibrations match up, the more connected you’ll feel.
Why relationships end
The reason relationships end is because that energetic match decreases or ceases to exist altogether. People change and their vibrations change. And when that happens, they’re often no longer a match to the same people, places, or jobs. This is unavoidable. We are all constantly evolving, whether we know it or not. Life causes us to evolve. Who We Really Are is constantly expanding and what we want and desire is forever changing. And when we don’t keep up with that evolution, when we hold on to old thoughts, situations and people, we get very uncomfortable. The gap between Who We Really Are and our physical selves widens. And the wider that gap is, the more suffering we subject ourselves to.
When a relationship ends, it’s not because one or both parties somehow failed. It simply means that these two people are no longer a vibrational match, that’s all. And that’s really nothing unusual. Relationships evolve, change and often end. Friendships end or grow more distant, lovers grow apart, kids leave the house and grow up (forever altering the dynamic of the relationship), employees leave, people unfriend us on Facebook. It’s not our fault. It’s no one’s fault. Our paths were simply no longer aligned. A relationship changing (growing closer, further apart or completely being altered) is no different than it ending, and we’re often just as reluctant to let that happen.
Why does it have to hurt so damn much?
Ok, the short and totally unrealistic, but theoretically correct answer is: it doesn’t. Yeah, I know. I said it was unrealistic. But in order to be completely accurate, I have to tell you that we’re not supposed to suffer, and that if we were all completely enlightened then breaking up would be no bigger a deal than saying goodbye after having coffee. But, since we live in the real world, and most of us haven’t completely ascended to pure love energy, I’ll admit that breaking up and especially getting broken up with, hurts like a mofo. But it’s not because they left us. It’s because of the way we’re looking at the situation and the way we’re thinking about ourselves. We’re allowing this situation to cause us to doubt our own self worth. And that’s always going to hurt.
Because of this horribly wrong but pervasive belief that it was our god damned job to make this work, and that if only we were better looking, smarter, cuter, hipper, or more awesome (and in some cases, less awesome), this person would still be around, when there’s a breakup, we immediately start to question what went wrong. What did we do wrong? Why didn’t they love us anymore? What could we have done to keep them? Oh, and then we replay every relationship that we’ve ever had, skewed through the filter of “Nobody ever loved me”, conveniently forgetting the fact that most of those other partners were horrible douchebags who we were glad to see the back of, and wonder why God created such an unlovable, messed up failure of a pathetic creature. Insert pint of ice cream (or bottle of cheap whiskey for the dudes) here. Yep, it’s all our fault.
Except, as I already explained, it isn’t. It’s the circle of life. Bambi gets eaten by Simba (they all live in the Disney forest. Shit is bound to happen, right?) and the one we thought was THE ONE, gets away. But when we think these horrible thoughts about ourselves, thoughts that our inner being absolutely doesn’t agree with, it hurts. It hurts, because our inner being doesn’t agree. It hurts because those thoughts aren’t true. And yes, I know that knowing this doesn’t make it hurt less. But it can make it hurt for less time. Knowing what the actual cause of our pain is, can help us to shift our perspective and think better feeling thoughts. Eventually.
How to feel better
When we go through any kind of trauma, it’s important for us to give ourselves some time and a bit of space to feel whatever feelings come up. We shouldn’t just push them away. Breaking up hurts. So, we need to let it hurt. But not forever.
Liz rightfully acknowledged that she knows that it’s her job to feel better. This acknowledgement doesn’t instantly get rid of the pain, of course, but it will begin the process. Instead of repeating things I’ve already written about extensively, I’ll simply point you to two resources I’ve already published.
How to Get Out Of A Funk – is probably the most relevant article I’ve written on how to feel better when you’ve hit a really low point.
The Vibrational Ladder – will help you to gradually change your thoughts and how you feel. Remember that you’re not shifting “He doesn’t love me” to “He loves me” but “It’s my fault”, or “I’m unlovable” to “This was a valuable relationship, and I’m grateful to have had it” and “I am loved.” You won’t be able to make this jump in one go, hence the gradual technique.
For best results, I recommend raising your energy a bit using the distraction method (Get Out of a Funk) and then the Vibrational Ladder.
The relationship had value
The fact that the relationship ended doesn’t mean that it didn’t have any value. The ending of the relationship has no bearing whatsoever on what people meant to each other, the depth of the connection between them or what either of the parties got out of it. It simply means that the individual paths of these two people went in different directions. Nothing more.
Often, when trying to recover from a break up, it helps to remember how this other person helped you to grow. Now, don’t misunderstand me. Most people, especially when they’ve been broken up with, will look back on all the good times and use those as an excuse to make themselves feel worse. They will way “See? We had such a good time. What happened? Why did they abandon all of that? What’s so horrible about me that this wasn’t enough?” THAT’S NOT WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT. Sorry to shout, but heartbroken people are often hard of hearing. (When I publish this, it’s going to say so on the internet, which makes it a fact.) I’m suggesting that you look at what YOU, personally, got out of the relationship. How are you better off now? How have you grown? What lessons have you learned about yourself? What did this person help you to see about yourself? Remember that everything and everyone in your life is a mirror to your vibration. So you elicited all the good stuff and the annoying stuff from them. What did they help you to see? How did they help you heal?
Then, when you’ve identified a few things, don’t go down the “look at how good things were. Why didn’t it work out” route. Instead, be grateful that this relationship came into your life and realize that if this one made you grow so much, that the next one will be even better! Yes, this will take some time. It’s a process.
Why we can feel better for a while and then worse again
In Liz’s question above, she mentioned that she thought she’d been doing fine, only to suddenly fall back into crying and feeling sorry for herself again. Why can we seemingly make such progress and then suddenly be engulfed in pain again?
The problem is that we’ve invested a great deal of energy into those ugly, painful thoughts. The belief they are based on is pretty much a global belief. It’s old and strong and there’s a tremendous amount of momentum behind it. It’s like we’re riding our bike in a well worn groove on a dirt road and trying to forge a new one. It takes some time and effort. We’re able to change our thoughts for a bit and feel better, but when we stop paying attention for a minute, we fall right back into the old train of thought and feel horrible. This will happen and it doesn’t mean we’ve failed. It’s bound to happen. What we want to do is not beat ourselves up every time we fall back into the old groove, but rather celebrate every time we manage to jump over to the new, better feeling one. And the more we do that, the easier it will get and the less likely we’ll be to fall back again. We have to think those new thoughts long enough for them to gather enough energy so that it becomes easier to think those thoughts than the old ones. And this can take a bit of time and focus.
Let them go
When people gravitate out of our existence, it’s generally best to let them go. Sure, there are examples of when people fought for each other and ended up having a fabulous relationship spanning decades, but in that case, the breakup was a catalyst for growth, instead of a symptom of differing vibrations. How can you tell the difference? Well, you can feel it intuitively, but it’s incredibly difficult to do so while you’re in pain. It requires you to be really, REALLY honest and objective and who amongst us can do that while in a heartbroken state?
I have personally fought for a relationship (once) and it did work out. I just knew that I had to fight, and looking back, there were signs that this was an intuitive decision, rather than one born out of fear:
- I was calm. I never raised my voice. I was quietly upset. This is not normal for me. I am not what you’d call, erm, demure. When I get happy, I’m really, REALLY happy. When I get mad, I scare small children. When I get sad, I make a Sicilian mother at her only son’s wedding to the daughter of her lifelong rival seem composed. But that day, I just felt calm. I was in pain, but the emotions were much more subdued.
- I was willing to accept either outcome. There was no desperation. There was no feeling of “This is because I’m not good enough.” I simply felt that we were not finished with each other yet.
Most of the time, however, when someone (friend, foe, family member, lover, etc.) begins to leave your reality, it’s best to just let them go. Your paths may cross again, but holding on to them in a way that causes you pain is not going to make that happen (quite the opposite, in fact.) Be grateful for the experiences you had with this person, acknowledge that your vibration attracted them to you (good and bad, but focus only on the good) and begin the process of preparing yourself for the next one. Because if you can find a way to get into that space, the next one will be even better.
* = P&A, the male equivalent to T&A. P stands for Pecs. Yeah, I know what you were thinking… Shame on you.
I have to say, this was the best, best article on break ups I have every read. I was depressed when I started and after I read all the linked articles and finished this one. I was on my ladder up higher vibrations! I’ve always knew about this, I sort of talk about it to my friends, but this brought it all together and made sense. THANK YOU!
So happy to find your answer to this. I read a post from a distant friend on Facebook this morning. After a few personal messages and all day, I found your post and decided I would share this on the main post where everyone could read it. Some of the advice she was getting (okay most of it) was not real positive.
I tried to be cautious and not overdo the LoA talk…. you put it into words that people can relate to easily.
I’m reading a lot about LOA and I enjoyed this article. I’m not yet moving up the vibrational ladder – it’s easy to get ‘stuck.’ With me the situation is children leaving home, and it’s so very painful – especially when they do it from an angry place and cut off communication … I’m still learning and growing … 🙂
reading this site with all the comments I wondered what you thought about my situation! had been with my husband 28 yrs. we have 3 adopted children from philippines. living in singapore for a couple of years with teenage daughter 15 yrs old who went off rails and ran away alot (too many stories to tell at this point but it was pretty hard going) i was trying to get her back on track etc.. with little support from my husband. so husband goes to bar and picks up filipino prostitute 35 yrs younger than himself and same age as his son. i didnt know this for 6 mths. he returned to australia after being sacked from job and i discovered his affair. at this point he basically ran away to the philippines to be with her leaving his family homeless, moneyless and emotionally destroyed. no contact with children or myself and have been living with 85 yr old mother on a couch since. PAIN, you could not believe the pain i have gone thru and my children. how does someone do this to a family and get to live another life with money etc with a manipulative hooker. PAIN , the girl has caused on fb with pictures so disgusting you would vomit for a week. and i have cried bucket loads of tears because my love for him was unconditional. now after 2 yrs there are some days i just dont want to be here. i have read every bloody self help book and website and have practiced the LOA BUT hard as i try nothing. i have barely touched on the destruction to my family extended family and friends this man has had on us but tell me WHY AM I HERE? to endure this. i know i am a good person mother friend but clearly this is not good enough !!!
I really loved this post and your site, This is exactly what i needed today lol <3 I wanted to know if there were any books you could suggest that delves further into this matter. Its something id really like to look into <3
Loves and hugs! <3
Hey Awesome Me,
Well, I can shamelessly recommend my own free ebook (click on Free Stuff! in the Navigation menu at the top of the page).
Also, Ask and it is Given, and/or “The Vortex” by Esther Hicks (or any of their books). If you like my blog, you’ll definitely like Abe’s teachings. 🙂
What a great post! Thanks!
I was wondering what to do when a very close friend fell off the radar. My brain was telling me to send an email, yet my intuition told me not to. It is “funny” because I made this person realize a few things, yet I am the one missing our friendship, while I think he has made peace with it and will be happy either way, something that I had “taught” him early on in our meeting. All I have now is to continue riding the high of the exhilaration of this short bond and the reminders about myself this person brought me.
And you are right, it is not a physical attraction, it is a chemistry you cannot explain with words that creates a physical attraction and that is vibration. I have met gorgeous guys in the past I just did not connect with.
As I was listening to Abe today, they used the phrase “Everything is temporary”. That fits so well in conjunction with your comment. If we can make peace with the fact that valuable things aren’t any less valuable just because they don’t last forever (or at least until we die), and that there’s every more where that came from, we can enjoy each relationship and event for what it gives us. What you miss about your friend doesn’t have to be gone from your experience. You can line up with those parts again. It might come in a different package, but so what? 🙂
What an AWESOME post!
“Awesomeness attracts awesomeness…that’s the law of awesomeness.”
Cafe Press here you come. LOL:)
Wondering why I didn’t catch this one before…
I know. That would make a great mug, wouldn’t it? 🙂
I love your tagline; made me laugh cause that’s usually what I think of when I think bout the law of attraction.
Thanks Sara! I don’t think you’re the only one thinking that, LOL.
The topic about our most yearning desires, having love last forever!
Some thoughts come to my mind, when I think about breakups (and being in despair about it):
One point is, that we should consider that our partner didn´t feel happy anymore, so he/she wanted to leave in order to feel better again; a question of respect and love to acknowledge and (maybe) accept this. Helps us to find inner peace.
And: what do we really know about what our partner was and is feeling? Does it really interest us, or are we more focused on “having our way”? Are we just angry, because he didn´t serve our needs and didn´t let us know about his preferences in time? What is love then anyway? If someone doesn´t love us, why should we get angry about, because he didn´t play with open cards, that´s why? Or if we didn´t “get along” (whatever that´s supposed to mean; we can look carefully here..) and this results in alienation and the “breakup”, that´s no breakup then, but realization and acceptance of our current realities.
Anyway, we´re talking about heartbreak here, pain, shame, blame, despair. And this is about ourselves. Our feelings are our possessions to get intimate with ourselves again and again. Yes, I feel hurt, yes, I want you to reciprocate, yes, I want to be loved deeply and unconditionally, yes, I want to be loved and physically desired by you exclusively, yes, I feel lonely and scared to death by the idea that this might be my fate, etc. What do I really feel, where do I stand, what is right for me? Yes, here I stand, and this is who I am. So, what about you now?
Relationships are not consumer items, one at a time, to enjoy yourself as long as you match, and move on to the next, when accordance fades, but freely chosen responsibilities (the ability to answer) in order to grow into higher levels of understandig, awareness and love. The choices are entirely ours (of course!).
Crisis and breakups can be considered as stepping stones to more intimicy, growing into ourselves and ultimately together (if we choose to). For as close as we get to ourselves, as close we get to others, it´s the same. Breakups are just outward incidents.
Thanks so much for your insightful comment. You make such excellent points!
I totally agree with you – we have to acknowledge that if the other person wasn’t happy anymore, then would we really want them to stay? And on that same note, if we’re really honest and get out of denial, we can generally see that WE weren’t happy anymore, either. Not really. But we often tend to gloss over that part out of fear of being alone.
The self exploration (which you so eloquently demonstrated with your questions) that comes after a breakup can be worth gold in personal development value, providing we really dissect the reasons behind out pain and don’t get stuck in “Why doesn’t he love me anymore?”.
Every fight and breakup can bring us closer to who we really are. They are wonderful catalysts for growth. Thank you for adding so much value to this post. 🙂
LOL! “P” stands for pecs. Yeah right, Melody! 😉
I love this article for a bunch of different reasons, but mostly b/c it spoke to me at a time when I really needed it. I feel like my vibration has changed a heck of a lot in the past 6-9 months and I’ve lost a couple of friends and a relationship since. I know my changes are for the better. And I even know I’m okay without these people in my life anymore…we weren’t a vibrational match anymore. But sometimes I get sad about it all over again. This article made me feel better! For real!
Ahem Lindsay. *blush*
I’ve lost some people in my life, too. Some of them were so close to me, I didn’t think it was possible for them to migrate out. But it happens. And I hear it from the Abraham crowd a lot too. It can feel really lonely at first, when you start to “lose” people. But then, these amazing other people start to show up and you begin to have connections that you never thought were possible. When someone gravitates out, it’s generally to make room for someone else to, um, gyrate right in. 😉
Hang in there Liz… someday you will look back on all of this and realize what a blessing in disguise that it was. It won’t be apparent now, but it will reveal itself eventually. (I’ve been there, done that.)
Be very clear in your mind about what your future partner will be like and visualize that often… one day that person will enter your life when you least expect it. Good luck.
Great comment Andrew! I second and third and fourth it. 🙂
It’s been a very long time since I’ve had to deal with a breakup, but I really like your take on “the relationship had value.” I think everything we do in life has some value. Being in a relationship we learn a lot about how to deal with people, how to interact, how to share and compromise, how to handle different personality traits, and the list goes on and on.
Thanks for stopping by! Relationships help us to figure out and become who we really are. They mirror our limiting beliefs back to us (so bless those who annoy you most) and show us what we’re capable of becoming. We need relationships of all kinds. And when one is over, it makes room for the next stage of growth. 🙂
Thanks so much for your kind words, and yes I want to be happy and know I can be happy I think I hit such a low point and began to go back to the place of pain and hurt because a few other things happened and I really began to miss him again and the closeness we shared we were always there for each other and he always knew just the right things to say to make me feel better. You know I have never really had a problem with being single, in fact I was on my own for over 3 years after the end of a 9 year relationship that was literally suffocating me by the time it ended and i was happy on my own, until I met this man and i had never met anyone quite like him and had never felt such an intensity of love, it was like magic it truly was, what I think now is that i maybe created this break up which came completely out of the blue, for the last few months we were together i was starting to think thoughts like he didn’t love me as such, was afraid he would leave me, although i never said this to him and looking back I had no reason to even think that, so i am now starting to believe that i unintentionally used LOA and caused this break up, I have no bad feelings towards him and do not blame him and I am really glad that I got to have him in my life, anyway I am so glad that I found this blog and reached out to Melody, and I know that my happiness comes from within, actually this break-up was the reason that the understanding of LOA and the recent spiritual journey that I have begun all started, so it is actually a blessing 🙂
P&A.. I think we all know what YOU were thinking!
I will say that this is an interesting subject for me. I’m lucky in that I haven’t had very many bad experiences in this area. I was in a relationship from the time I was 14 to 21. Verrrrrry long for being so young. And we more or less both decided to end it. We just kind of grew apart.
Since then, while I have what you’d call a “main” girl, I don’t believe in commitment anymore. I suppose I’m close to what you’d call polyamorous, except with a monogamous twist. I basically have an emotional relationship with only one girl, and the rest is just “dirty acts” as you described them. And of course she’s free to do the same.
I don’t know about anyone else, but that’s what works best for me right now. I like having someone there to share my life with, but I also like sexual variety. If this person were to, say, get sick of my shenanigans, that would suck, but it wouldn’t be as bad as an official full-blown breakup.
As you said, it’s often our expectations that leads us becoming sad we were no longer a match for someone. I do my best to simply live in the moment and let whatever happens happen. I don’t take much responsibility for maintaining anything in particular. I think relationships are natural, and if you find that you have to “work” all the time to maintain one, perhaps it’s best to let it go.
I’d actually like to write on this topic soon Melody.. Thanks for bringing it up. 🙂
“I think relationships are natural, and if you find that you have to “work” all the time to maintain one, perhaps it’s best to let it go.”
You’re so right, dude. I mean aren’t relationships supposed to be fun? I don’t mind putting in effort to keep it going but what’s the point if have to treat it like my second job, right?
I can relate to you being in a long-term relationship. I met my high-school sweetheart when I was 14, too. The relationship went on till we were 22. I still love her and care about her a lot, but the relationship wasn’t working out for us and we decided to move on and meet other people.
Sexual variety is a kickass way to live man, but I’m a sucker for the whole monogamous deal. I only sleep with someone I’m in a relationship with, and it works for me. I don’t like having to commit to myself to a point where I’m her Siamese twin, though, but I’d definitely give up all the …ehem…T&A if it meant being exclusive to someone I really love.
Hahaha, I like your style.
True enough, after getting a taste of the whole shag-everything lifestyle, I may be moving back into the monogamous-ville pretty soon. It’s just not all it’s cracked up to be.
Ah hell.. what am I saying – it’s pretty awesome. But if I had to choose between sex with no love, or love with no sex, I’d choose love.
I’m TRYING to have both with my whole poly-mono combination, but it is straining.
I guess maybe it’s true that you can’t have your cake and eat it too?
Haha! I never really understood that term. If I’m eating my cake doesn’t that mean I’m obviously having it at the same time? Like, who’d wanna just have a cake? Who’s the guy who went “This is a delicious-looking cake, which means I don’t want to eat it because—–heh?”. Say wha—? :p
So right Derrek! Relationships shouldn’t be hard work. That doesn’t mean that you don’t have to put in effort, but that effort shouldn’t feel like hard work, or something you resent having to do. When you put effort into something that you love, something you’re passionate about, it takes on a whole different perspective. Suddenly you find yourself coming up with lots of new and creative ways to tell her how you feel. You may even get a bit corny… But you’re having the time of your life. That’s how you “work” on a relationship.
Thanks to both of you for adding such an interesting perspective! 🙂
Polyamory is an interesting concept. It’s not one that appeals to me, personally (I don’t like to share, ha, ha), but I can see the merits. The problem is that it has to work really well for all involved and that’s generally where people hit snags. One party gets more emotionally involved than the other. I do think it’s probably an excellent tool for figuring out quite quickly what you want in relationships, what you need from other people and what you can’t handle. I would think a situation like that would mirror all your relationship crap back at you in a big, BIG way…
I can’t wait to see what you come up with Fred! 🙂
Melody, my relationship crap definitely got mirrored back to me a LOT.
My “main” girl is a fiery redhead… whose verbal precision and sheer yelling abilities I have never faced before.
I have learned SO much about self-control and non-reaction from her.
Holy crap. It’s awesome. If the quickest way to enlightenment is to place yourself in stressful situations and then transmit that pain, I’ll probably be enlightened by next week. 🙂
Haha, it’s not that bad, but… yeah. Maybe a post on that one too.
Oh…and also…this is for Liz : If you’re able to visit this blog, email Melody, and ask for tips on how to get back to your happy place, I think that means you’re far from crumbling. In fact, I think you’re miles away from being truly sad, and you’re definitely way stronger than you think.
If I were you I’d give myself a huge pat on the back for just being aware of the fact that I want to be happy, and knowing that I have it in me and am capable of being happy again. Trust me, lots of people don’t know how strong they truly are and allow themselves to sink into horrid emotional states, so hats-off to you for knowing alone, Liz! 🙂
Couldn’t have said it better myself. Derrek. I second everything you wrote. Liz did respond below, in case you missed it (you only get an email if someone hits reply to your post…)
Thanks, Melody. 🙂
To be honest even if I didn’t get the email notification I’d check back here just to read the new comments. Not only those that relate to mine but in general because there are a lot of great people with lots of unique insights here, so I definitely didn’t miss it haha. Cheers!
Clearly I have underestimated your supreme awesomeness. Forgive me. It shall not happen again. 😉
Posts about relationships have always intrigued me more than the others, mainly because relationships involve two people and there’s no way of having control over the other person, which makes working the LOA interesting, to say the least. Amazing post with so much information for anyone who’s going through a hard time.
For me, I always like to see things from a birds-eye view. Normally when you’re in the chaos of the break-up your mind tends to take that miserable moment in time and project your entire future the same exact way. But that’s not how it is at all. Your significant other is very important, but he / she does not define your entire life. It’s just the mind being paranoid and clinging onto its comfort zone, having a panic-attack because all of a sudden there’s newness on the horizon. So it keeps telling you to go back to that comfortable place, even though you know for a fact that it isn’t really working. From a birds-eye view though, you see your life and it’s problems as stepping stones and checkpoints. Nothing’s as daunting anymore. That way you can invest yourself in a relationship, love truthfully, and if it’s time to move on, you’ll be grateful for the time you spent together and be ready for the next awesome thing that’s coming along.
As always, you have some great insights. I think you nailed. We have this tendency to think “Ok, this isn’t great. I’m not really happy. But at least I know what I have here. The unknown is so much scarier…” It’s one thing when the relationship truly sucks. But if it’s just not good anymore, when people aren’t desperately unhappy, but just not happy, it can be so much harder to justify the break up to ourselves.
Thanks for the awesome response.
I guess using the change in vibration of our inner selves for causing breakups make sense. Sometimes, you just cannot tell the exact reason why we suddenly feel so unloving and even hostile towards someone. People call it “I no longer have feelings for you.” Perhaps that is what this means.
I just wonder from your perspective if there are any effective ways to keep the vibrations between lovers strong even though the years may pass.
Cheers for such a nice and sentimental post.
The hostility comes when we have separated from ourselves and we blame the other person. I feel bad and it’s obviously your fault. When we recognize that we have to own our feelings, we can avoid the hostility.
You may want to explore the following blog post. It explores how to keep the fires burning or get them back if they’ve waned: How to Take Your Relationship From Fizzle to Sizzle.
Hi there, Melody!
Break – ups hurt, but how important are they really in the long run? I think it’s true what you wrote about vibrational dissonance. Then again, I would say it’s hard to let go as well. Human beings aren’t really that good with change.
I think that’s really at the heart of it – we fear change. There’s this huge gaping void when someone leaves and we’re left to wonder “what now?!” But then, we remember that, well, now we will continue to be who we are. And we are who we are, in part due to this person who just left. When we look at how changes have affected us and benefited us in the past, it makes us less likely to be afraid in the NOW.
Thanks for this valuable insight!
Yes, it is true. Relationship begin and end. I already learnt this lesson long time ago in another context, but the why was not clear. It was just one of this things in life which happen as they happen. But now, your explanation with the LOA, seems a very good explanation AND give a good insight about how to deal with it better.
The nice thing about this insight is, that it not only covers how to deal with break ups, but it also includes the idea how to deal with the death of loved ones, which is also kind of ‘break up’. Whether it is a break-up or death of people, our feelings of loss and grief are very similar. And it is our responsibility to let them go and feel better again.
Thanks for this inspiring post!
I hadn’t really thought of using this post in the context of death, but you’re absolutely right. Death is a kind of breakup, although because we view it as final, it’s even harder to get back into a good feeling place. Thanks so much for pointing this out! Maybe now I don’t have to do a post about death… I was going to have a really hard time making THAT funny… 😛
good day mam,
according to LOA what we want,ask the universe, visualize it,feel good,and it will start to attract in our life.
Now my question is if here is no vibrational match between me and a particular girl whom I want in my life.so i cant get it.To solve this problem I ask the universe that mine and her vibrations may start to match,our feelings may start to align.Will LOA work,although we have no vibrational match or in brief can we use LOA to match vibrations.
You can focus on someone’s positive or negative aspects and ine yourself up with that version of them, but you cannot force someone to match our vibration. If that version of them exists, if there’s a match on any level, you can focus on that and strengthen the bond. But if you’re not a match, there’s nothing you can do to become on.
However, if you are attracted to this girl, and she’s in your reality, then you are a match on some level. It’s quite possible, though, that she’s still not the manifestation of what you truly want. This is another reason not to get too attached to one person. Keep thinking “Her, or someone even better.”
What a wonderfully comprehensive response to Liz’s question!
The learning we have to do around ‘change’ and ‘attachment’ often plays out in our intimate relationships, basically because these provide the perfect context for our self discovery.
Over time we learn that people come into our lives to teach us and us them and not fill in some missing piece of us. We are complete as we are and when we honor this, while we may feel the loss of a loved one, their departing never diminishes us in any way.
So I’m guessing the A in P&A, must stand for attitude then? LOL
Thanks so much for your kind words. I love how you pointed out that we are complete, just as we are. When we forget that, we cause ourselves so much pain…
A stands for Awesomeness. Pecs and Awesomeness. 😛
Nice post! Once we realize that there are many potential partners out there and better than than the one we just broke up with, it will be easier for us to move on. We have just have to change our focus and the way we view the situation. With constant work on our mentality, we can get over break up. Thanks for sharing
You said it. When we first break up, we can’t even imagine that there might be someone even better out there. But that’s the realization that can drag us out of that funk. It’s not over. We’re just moving on to bigger and better things.
Thanks for your comment!
I first of all want to thank you again for the personal reply you sent me to my question above, I read it over and over again lol and it made me finally realize that the pain I was feeling wasn’t because of me missing him, it was because I was disconnected to who I really am that was causing me the pain, I am doing so much better already and the past few days I have had such a shift in my emotions that it is unreal and wonderful at the same time, I also truly appreciate the relationship that I had with this guy, it brought me such much and yes it did make me grow and evolve and I am grateful for the time we had together, i just couldn’t see how I would ever find that again with anyone else, but now I know that it is not the relationship which gives me happiness and fulfillment, it is always staying connected to who I truly am. You will never know how much i appreciate your words and advice, i really needed it, and you are right you are awesome!!!!
Liz 🙂 xx
You’re so very, very welcome. I’m so glad that you’re feeling better. Keep thinking these thoughts and they’ll become easier and easier to access.
The Law of Awesomeness strikes again! 🙂
Rock on Liz. 🙂
This was a great read for me. I recently finally ended a connection with someone I really care about, and it took us 4 or 5 times to finally disconnect. I love this statement, “Your paths may cross again, but holding on to them in a way that causes you pain is not going to make that happen.” This is exactly what happened…each time we ‘tried again’, I ended up in pain. The insanity theory comes to mind…doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result. I finally let go, and surprisingly, haven’t given him much thought since then! The ‘first’ breakup was bad though, each subsequent breakup got a little easier – our vibrations were not lining up as time went on I suppose 🙂
Love this site!
Welcome to Deliberate Receiving! And thanks so much for sharing your personal experience here. Your example perfectly illustrates what happens when we try to hang onto something that’s no longer a match. You were in pain because you focused on the “loss” and what that potentially said about you, but you were also becoming more and more aware of the fact that things just didn’t feel right. Bravo for making the break!
Thanks so much for your wonderful words.
Great article on a very difficult topic. Breaking up is hard and it sucks. It’s been a while, thankfully, since I’ve had a romantic break-up. I did recently lose my very best friend in the world. Just as you said – it was a matter of our vibrations changing. That is a hard thing to understand and accept though. I miss her like I’d miss a part of my own body. I’m trying to wrap my head around the concept of not suffering while getting over a relationship. I can’t even fathom! Pure love must be an amazing thing. Anyway – thanks again for the great article. I’m going back to read your article about getting out of a funk. I think I’d benefit!
I’ve had some glimpses of that kind of love (brief glimpses) and they were amazing. It’s one of my goals to move more and more into that space. But I’m not there yet. I did have an experience a few months ago that was pretty much the same as yours. A really good friend gravitate out of my reality. No fanfare, no break up. They were simply gone. And it hurt. A lot. But I realized after a couple of weeks that I couldn’t feel that way anymore and I dug myself out. We can do that. The fact that it took me only a couple of weeks showed an enormous amount of progress for me. It also lets me see how it is possible to take control over our emotions. If I can shorted it to a few weeks, why not a few days, then hours, etc.? The problem is, that I won’t know for sure how well I’m doing until someone else leaves and it’s not like I’m going to ask for that to happen… LOL. Can you imagine? Could someone please break up with me? I have to test a theory… 😛