It’s time for another session of Ask Melody: The Universe often lets me know which blog post to write next by inspiring two or more readers to send me the exact same question (often with eerily similar wording!) in a short space of time. In this case, I received the exact same question twice on the same day. Yep, this is how manifesting works, people. You have to pay attention and I do. You’re welcome.
In the post Jagger Was Wrong: You Can Always Get What You Want. But You’ll Never Get What You Need, I explored the idea that as long as you desperately need something, you are putting out the vibration of “I can’t be happy until I get this thing”, which incidentally, is then exactly what the Universe keeps bringing you: experiences that don’t feel happy, because you don’t yet have this thing. Need doesn’t feel good, which is your first clue that thoughts of neediness will never get you what you want. I then went on to explain how to train yourself out of this vibration of desperation by practicing detachment and getting into a mindset that you’d like “This or something even better.” Basically, I advised that you should focus on what you REALLY want – love, for example, and leave the details of the HOW (like who to love, or how the millions of dollars will come to you) up to the Universe.
What if I can’t detach?
But what about when you’re in a situation in which it seems impossible to detach? Like when you have a deep, hopeless crush on another person and you can’t think about anything else but them? What about if you feel like if you don’t make them yours, your world will end? In this situation, the jump from “I must make them mine or I’ll die!” to “This or someone better” may actually constitute a quantum leap, in which case, we’ve got to break this baby down a little further.
We’ve all been there. None of us made it out of our teenage years without experiencing at least one major crush on the high school quarterback, head cheerleader, librarian, math geek or, in my case, George Michael (we didn’t know he was gay then. Or at least I didn’t. Don’t judge me.) We spent hours fantasizing about this person (and staring at their posters on our walls), and even though we wanted nothing more than to be with them, it was also a great source of pain. The object of our crush is generally unattainable, either because they’re simply not available (due to an age difference, famousness, social status, already being attached, or well, being caught in a rest stop toilet giving a blowjob to some dude, utterly crushing the heart of one pre-teen girl who then decided to delude herself into believing that her crush must have been framed, only to find out a few years later that no, he wasn’t framed and it was just never, EVER going to happen, squashing her now teenage heart again), or because we have decided for some reason that they are not available to us. We perceive them to be better than us, or we have some belief that makes it impossible for us to accept a scenario in which we’d actually get together.
Anatomy of a crush
What exactly is a crush? Oh yay! It’s time for another one of Melody’s Definitions!
Crush (also crushing on someone, possibly crushing hard): a feeling of deep infatuation with and/or desire for another individual that you’ve decided, for whatever reason, YOU CAN’T FREAKING HAVE, causing a series of conflicting vibrations:
- I really, really appreciate all these wonderful qualities of this person (feels great)
- I need this person in order to be happy/I can’t be happy without them (feels horrible)
- I can’t have this person because (insert limiting belief here) (feels horrible)
Do you see how the scale is tipped heavily in favor of the horrible feelings? Intense desire on its own feels wonderful. When you intensely desire someone, you see only their best qualities, you see them for who they really are. In more colloquial terms: Their shit don’t stink. So, you’ve got all this raging, powerful energy being directed towards the best qualities of this person. You’ve gotten on the bus of desire and you’re driving down the road of lust, destination love, at 200 mph.
And then… you’ve got these thoughts that you can’t be happy without them, that you need them and that for whatever reason, you can’t have them. Those thoughts will build a concrete wall on that road to everlasting love, one which you will now slam into at 200 mph. Incidentally, that wall was always there, but you didn’t become aware of it until you started driving your bus so fast. Because before, you may have liked someone a bit and your bus was kind of rolling along, and when it slowly and gently bumped into the wall, it didn’t really hurt. But slamming into that wall at Mach speed is going to smart. A lot.
The strategy I outlined in the post on neediness basically comes down to aiming that intense desire at a more general target: instead of HAVING TO have this one particular girl or boy, you allow the Universe to fulfill that request with the PERFECT girl or boy, which may or may not be the object of your attention. Now, that’s a great strategy, and it will bring relief if you can implement it, but as I said, in some cases, reaching for those general thoughts may represent too big of a leap.
What if every road has a wall?
What if your belief that you can’t be happy without love and can’t find love, doesn’t just pertain to this one person (as in, “I can’t have anyone” instead of just “I can’t have her“)? In that case, pointing that bus at a more general target won’t feel much better, because no matter where you point it, you’re going to hit a copy of that damn wall. In this case, I’d advise a slightly different strategy:
- Raise your vibration using a different subject
- Figure out what’s at the root of that wall – what beliefs do you hold that have caused you to decide that you can’t find love
- Tear down the damn wall
- Move into the state of “This or someone better”
Raising your vibration using a different subject
Now, normally, this isn’t all that hard. You simply get off the subject that’s causing you all this pain and spend some quality time focusing on something that already makes you feel good. But in the case of a crush, this can seem damn near impossible. You can’t think of anything else. You’ve tried. Well, try harder. The key here is not to think of anything too specific. Let me explain: When you have a crush, you’re thinking of something very specific, with intense focus. In energetic terms, you are aiming your focus on a target with laser like accuracy. It’s like looking at something really far away through a telescope. If you want to change targets, you can’t just swing that telescope around and pinpoint another specific target. If you’ve ever tried that, you’ll know that all you see is a bunch of blurry images and when you stop, you’ll have no idea what you’re looking at. But if you back away from the telescope and find the general direction of your next target while looking at the bigger picture, you can then zero back in on a new, specific place. Changing frequencies, when you’ve locked on to a specific one, is much the same. You first have to back off a bit and look at the bigger picture – you have to get more general before you can get specific again.
So, if you want to find a different thought, a better feeling thought, a thought with a higher vibration, you’ll have to think more generally first. When you try to get off the subject of your crush, do not try to think of other attractive people that you could want. That’s not going to work. No one can compare to your crush. Don’t try to distract yourself by thinking of sports players, or memories of trips you’ve gone on, or anything else that specific. Distract yourself by doing things that require very little or no thought:
- Meditate (this actually shuts down thought. Perfect.)
- Play a video game (but not one that reminds you in any way of your crush. I’d suggest puzzle games or cartoony ones instead of Grand Theft Auto or anything else with life like characters and scenarios.)
- Normally, listening to music is a fantastic way to raise your vibration, but when you’re crushing, music often perpetuates those feelings. If you can find music that does NOT remind you of your crush, go for it. Otherwise, stay away from this medium. Ditto for movies and TV shows.
- Intense exercise. Intense physical exercise can really help to clear your mind. It gets you focused exclusively on your body, which is an amazing distraction. And it’s good for you.
- Engage in your favorite hobby – if you have a passion for something, go do that. For example, if you’re an avid rock climber, extreme mountain biker, Dungeons and Dragons player or whatever, immerse yourself in this activity. Because you’ve also built up a great deal of energy around this subject, it will be easier for you to be distracted by it without being pulled back to thoughts of your crush.
Figure out what’s at the root of your wall
Now, obviously, I cannot really help you to release your specific beliefs through a blog post (there’s a limit to my awesomeness), but I can perhaps help you to identify what might lie at the heart of your pain by naming some possibilities. Read through the following beliefs and think about each one. Do any of them resonate with you? Often just naming the belief can already bring quite a bit of relief. You may have a belief that…
- You are not good enough. You are not worthy. Everyone else is better than you.
- You are a not good enough yet. You need to change something about yourself in order to be good enough to be loved, like lose weight, get surgery, earn more money, etc. You are not lovable just the way you are right now. (This belief will cause you to always find something new that you have to change. You’ll never be done.)
- No one will ever love you, or no one can ever love you. You are not worthy of being loved. (Usually a belief formed in childhood).
- Love is painful. (This belief is prevalent in societies where arranged marriage is or was popular. It’s born of the idea that if you fall in love with someone, it’s a painful thing, because you generally can’t have them. There is an expectation that love is tied to pain.)
- If you make yourself vulnerable by loving someone, they will hurt you. So even though you want to love, you can never allow yourself to go down that road.
- You are not allowed to fall in love/to be happy. You have a responsibility to do something or be something and falling in love would interfere. (Warrior complex, protector, helper, martyr, etc.)
- If you allow yourself to become dependent on someone, they will leave you (abandonment issues).
- All beautiful men with feathery hair and gorgeous singing voices are gay.
These are just some examples, and each one would warrant an entire blog post on their own (I’m sure several of these will be featured as posts in the future). If anything on this list resonated with you, you’ve just gotten a powerful insight into why you’re blocking love from coming to you and why you’re in so much pain. Sit with this perspective for a little while before trying to shift that energy.
Tear down the damn wall
Shifting a limiting belief, in a nutshell, is basically changing your perspective on how you view that subject. So, if you’ve discovered a belief that you’re not good enough, you’ll want to work your way around to “I’m good enough.” You will not be able to do this all at once. I published a technique on how to gradually change your vibration in the post The Vibrational Ladder – How To Feel Better In 4 Simple Steps.
Move into the state of “This or someone better”
Once you have removed the wall, you’ll have a much easier time detaching from the object of your crush. At this point, I suggest that you reread the Jagger post about detachment, because it will suddenly seem a lot more doable to you.
Bottom line: Crushes suck. They do. They are filled with angst and pain and heartache and as long as we stay stuck in that beautiful/awful place, we will not get what we want. And moving out of that state of pain entails a different journey for everyone. I’ve done my best to provide a bit of clarity and at least a bit of a roadmap.
Who was your embarrassing crush (I told you mine, now it’s only fair that I get to hear about yours…)? How did you get over it? What techniques have you used to overcome this type of desperation in the past? Go on, spill it! 🙂
If you liked this post, please do me a favor and share it in any way you see fit. You know, Facebook, Twitter, Message in a bottle, handing it to random people on the street while you look at them kindly and a little bit condescendingly and say “I think you need this”. Whatever.
Fasting (giving up two or three meal) also helps in deviating mind when one feels strong attraction and inclination toward someone.
I just noticed that the last post on this was over a year ago, lol. Jane, if you’re reading this now, I hope that things have improved for you and your relationship with your husband is good. 🙂
I had a crush that became very painful and I was very unhappy and it was actually making me feel ill sometimes. I felt like it was dragging my energy down. I also wondered if I could have attached onto his energy somehow, even though I don’t know him well and perhaps it just wasn’t a good match? Or maybe it was just a case of “wanting something you can’t have” (or THINK you can’t have)? I don’t know.
I came across this post last year at just the right time and it was what I needed. I think I have issues about relationships in general, not just this one person and I used your techniques to help me work through some of my beliefs and issues. I am only just starting to feel better now (after nearly 4 years). So thank you, Melody for this post. 🙂
Jane, my crush started off as more of a fun thing but then became very depressing. I had crushes on boys at school but never like this. I hope you start to feel better soon. 🙂
Thank you for this very helpful and insightful post. I’ve been crushing hard for the past 3 months on a neighbor whose kids go to the same school as mine. We are both married (happily) with kids. I truly love my husband (been together for 17 years) and I know intellectually why my crush developed. What attracts me to this man are qualities that I find attractive in men – deep voice, masculine yet gentle, very physically fit, and generally just hot and sexy. My husband has all of those qualities, too, yet our routine has become so boring (especially sexually).
For years, I saw my crush around the school and never much thought of him. Then, this school year, I finally spoke to him and I felt a connection immediately. At first, this new crush was sort-of background and I didn’t think of it much. Then, one day, I realized that I had a crush on him and from that day, I felt hooked. In the beginning of these new feelings, my crush was an unattainable fantasy that made the school drop-offs and pickups more exciting, and I was fine with that. Over the past 3 months, I find myself feeling more and more obsessive and my feelings are now rather painful rather than light and fun. Also, I think my feelings are starting to poke through and become a little obvious, both to my husband and my crush. For awhile, my crush would lightly flirt with me and I sometimes noticed him staring at me across the yard. Suddenly, he is giving me the cold shoulder and now avoids me whenever possible. Without realizing it, I may have been too obvious, I don’t know. But this is a wake up call, as I would never want to have an affair and destroy my marriage. I’ve decided to stop talking to this man. I don’t want to make a fool out of myself and disrespect my wonderful husband.
But crushes are painful sometimes, and it can so hard to shift the focus. One thing I’ve been trying to do is make my brain remember all the wonderful times I’ve experienced with my husband everytime I want to think about the crush. So far, it has been helping a great deal. I avoid going near his house (he lives only down the street) and go out of my way to avoid seeing him. I know this will eventually pass, but I hope that day happens soon.
Thanks for reading this.
Thanks so much for sharing your story here. You’re definitely doing the right thing by shifting your focus onto the positive memories with your husband. I have one suggestion for you: Sit down and make a list of all the things you love and like and adore about your hubby – don’t wait until you’re in pain about your crush. Do it when you’re neutral. Do this for a few minutes each day and you’ll find yourself looking at your husband in a whole new way. It’s easier to take your focus off one thing when you shore up the energy of another and put your focus on that, instead.
It’s easy to lose sight of all the little details that make you all hot and bothered when you’ve been together for a long time and have kids. But with just a little bit of deliberate focusing, you can bring that spark back and then no man will be able to distract you from that hot, sexy husband of yours.
This blog post will give you more ideas on how to do that: http://www.deliberateblog.com/2011/08/28/how-to-take-your-relationship-from-fizzle-to-sizzle/
I got over one of these crushes by writing a list of all the good qualities he had and then some more I wanted in a man.
A few guys I met after him had those qualities, and as some bad ones popped up I “tweaked” my list.
I still read it every now and then for a chuckle 🙂
Welcome to Deliberate Receiving!
Thanks for sharing your experience here. Making that list definitely helped you shift your focus, so it makes perfect sense that it helped you to get over your crush.
It’s interesting that over the years, my list has gotten more refined, but much shorter. I like to think I’ve gotten better at setting priorities, but maybe it’s just memory loss. LOL.
I love the telescope analogy – so true!
Melody, I haven’t had a crush on someone for so long, I can’t even remember it! I was a teenager in the 80s so can appreciate the whole gay/musician thing, though. They were all freaking gay, so sad for us girls…
I can say that even though I’ve been with my husband for 16 years, I have run into men that I was strongly “attracted” to (not physically though) and couldn’t figure out why their energy was pulling me in. Maybe I “knew them before” or they were empaths or something, not sure.
Great article as always!
I don’t think they were pulling you in, not in terms that they could’ve exerted any influence on you (even if it totally feels that way). You were simply aware of the vibrational match. It’s entirely possible to be an intense match to someone on only one or a small number of frequencies. Then, we become attracted to them, even though we’re not at all compatible. We may not even like them. This attraction can be physical (which would be one set of frequencies), emotional (different set) or intellectual (another set again). Hopefully, when we chose someone for a relationship, we get all three. But finding this amazing match doesn’t mean that there aren’t other people out there that will match up with us on some level. Feeling a connection to someone of the opposite sex doesn’t have to be sexual and it doesn’t have to lead to a relationship. We can simply enjoy (or at least acknowledge) these connections for what they are – vibrational matches. 🙂
Hi Melody, I guess you know that you would have run (before fainting of course), if G.M. really had shown up on your doorstep at the time ?! :-))
Yes, I think it´s great to get detached, higher your vibration, clear up your mind, get a broader perspective, become receptive to the essence of your desire rather than to stick to your infatuated, hopeless, obsessive state of craving for someone specific.
But in my experience you can “do your gymnastics” any way you like to, you get rebounded to your infatuation the moment you pat yourself on the shoulder; of course you can retry, try harder, practice yourself into a new vibration.
Crushes vanish actually, but not because you have made it, but because you are through with them, you have extracted from the experience what the attraction has been about.
I don´t think that there is any rule to handle unfullfilled sympathies, you don´t really know what they are about, you have to find out what they are about. It´s said “it ain´t over ´til it´s over”. When you get unhappy and fed up with the situation, and notice this, things may turn 180°, like Derrek wrote about. But can be different, you can actually find out, that your love is kind of unconditional, just makes you happy. Or you come to a place of realization, where you are ready for a talk, a confrontation, ready to accept whatever will be.
Everything is about finding out, and this finding out is ours to enjoy, and, it´s true that the more you stretch your situation to one side (the painful one; the one for the blind like me :-)), the stronger the momentum to get catapulted to the opposite.
Couldn’t agree more. You have such an eloquent way of stating what I’ve written from a completely different perspective. I love it. 🙂
You did point out one thing – sometimes, when we get over a crush (or obsession), we don’t actually get over them but learn to simply love them unconditionally. That is a possibility as well. Thanks for catching this and adding this valuable point.
Well played, Melody. ……… well played. 😉
Also, she’s not cute. She’s supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Wow, Melody. I’ve never seen anyone describe a crush better than you just did. Because a lot of people will give lousy advice like “Just listen to some music, take your mind off it!”, but what they don’t understand is that when you’re crushing, anything and everything even remotely related to a relationship will trigger thoughts about your crush.
Thank you so much for this thoroughly-detailed post that I’m sure anyone who has ever had a crush can relate to. And I’m not talking about those harmless crushes, I’m sure everyone has those and they’re pretty fun to have, but the ones that really do take an emotional toll tend to suck after a while.
I’m so glad I’m not going through one of those stages now, but a couple of years ago I was…and didn’t really have a way of countering it (no DeliberateBlog back then!), so I just let it run its course. About why I couldn’t be with her….well, lets just say there were one too many obstacles at the time. After a while (a long, tiring while), I think my mind just said “Screw this, I’m done feeling crappy”…and the crush was gone. I’m not kidding. Sounds harsh, but it just happened overnight. I’m not sure if I did anything or if it was some sort of numbing mechanism (do those exist?), but one day while I was driving I realized I wasn’t crushing anymore. Weird, unexpected, and not the best way to get over a crush because it takes a long time to happen.
A friend of mine had it worse than I did when he started crushing on someone 5 years after he got married. Ouch! I didn’t judge him, he’s only human, and I know relationships can take a toll sometimes and create this illusion of perfection in someone else who’s “more supportive” in times of crisis. Married people do get crushes, and it doesn’t make them dirty. Crushes can make you feel ‘new’ and ‘sexy’ again. He got over it, thankfully, and he didn’t once cheat on his wife, but I can imagine how crappy it must’ve been for him. Next time someone’s having an issue like this I’ll be pointing them to this article. 🙂
I’ve never really had a serious celebrity crush though. Playful ones, yes. Like I still have a crush on Zooey Deschanel. God, the things I would do to that woman. Like take her out to dinner and respect her boundaries, and buy her sweet gifts and watch the sunset with her. I’m such a perv like that. And every morning I’d sing her “Wake Me Up Before You Go Go”, just for fun.
………… too soon? 😉
What you described is the default way that many people shift their vibration (and that’s what you did when you decided not to feel crappy anymore): they create so much pain in their lives that they get to the point where they just have to give up. They decide that something has to give. And then they shift. The beautiful thing is that we don’t have to wait until we’re basically forced to shift in order to feel better. We can decide anytime. And when you shift your energy, poof, you get relief. That’s how it works!
Zooey Deschanel is so cute! That’s not embarrassing at all. Weren’t you infatuated with the shrimp from the Muppets? Now that would be an embarrassing crush, he, he, he. Too soon?
Technically speaking – according your definition – I cannot say it not a crush, but for me it still feel as crush sometimes. I still have sometimes this mad feeling of a crush for my current girlfriend/fiance/future wife.
Two years ago, I met her by applying LOA 🙂 Before that I was had the limited belief I never could have this kind of breath taking woman in my life. But I did not want to go for less either. I refused to lower my standards. To make a long story short: I succeeded in tearing down the wall of my limited belief, got the woman I really desired and love her deeply.
And I still have a crush on her once in a while 🙂
Thanks for sharing!
I would say that you still deeply desire your wife (which is sooooo beautiful!!!), since I doubt that you have a conflicting belief that states that you can’t have her. That would be sad. I mean, she married you. I’d say you’re pretty much in. 😉
I get you on the not wiling to settle part. People settle out of a fear of being alone. I’ll just take this one, even though it’s not great, because it’s better than nothing. Hooo boy. If you’re not afraid of being singe, you can afford to take the time to refine your vibration and wait until you’re ready for the perfect match. I love that: breath taking woman. I think every female reader of this blog just fell a little bit in love with you. 🙂
Thanks for sharing your story here!
Umm, I may be a little weird here, I totally had a crush on Nancy from The Craft. Remember the psychopathic goth chick with giant ear rings and black lipstick? Yeah. Even just thinking about her gives me the woozies, in a good way.
“All beautiful men with feathery hair and gorgeous singing voices are gay.” Lol, I’m not so sure this is the limiting belief. Well, I guess Robert Plant isn’t gay. But still.
Great post though, it all has to do with distracting ourselves and changing our thought patterns. SO much has to do with that.
That actually makes sense, Fred. I can see that. Your long haired, angsty teenage geek self falling for the goth chick. Two sides of the same coin, really…
Robert Plant does not have feathery hair, by dear. That would be frizzy or on a good day, curly. I’m afraid you might be right. That might not be a limiting belief, but one never wants to state absolutes, does one. There might be an amazing singer out there with feathery hair who isn’t gay. He would be weird, considering that it’s 2011, and feathery hair really just doesn’t work anymore (did it ever?), but that would make sense. Straight with no fashion sense whatsoever. 😀
Thanks for stopping by. Yay Fred!
Hey! I wasn’t a geek. I was a hippie/metalhead. 🙂
My first girlfriend got in trouble in class for wearing a black Metallica T-shirt that had a picture of a toilet with a knife sticking out of it, with the subtitle, “Metal Up Your Ass” written in that nice 80’s style print.
God high school was funny.
Your telescope analogy for shifting the focus to another subject reminds me of my days in national service when I had the chance to use one of those sniper scopes on my rifle. It was an immensely powerful tool. Snipers have laser like focus that can blow the brains out at 800 yards. But they also work in pairs. There is someone by his side spotting for him using a wider binocular device. This guy sees the larger picture and directs the sniper to his target. I think this teaches us one way to refocus on other things. We need someone in our life to be that spotter to lead us out of our crushed states. Going alone can be hard when our emotions are in deranged state.
I like like the the concept you have proposed here and other posts about feeling the vibration of general things and not figuring the specific how of things.
I’m stealing the sniper analogy, because the spotter thing is exactly what a coach does. Consider yourself robbed. 😉
Interesting post that applies to more than crushes. Your “recognize wall, raise vibration, remove wall, this or something better” progression makes a lot of sense for just about any limiting belief. Thanks a bunch!!!
For me, crushes have always been a pure fun experience. I get to focus on the awesome awesomeness of somebody awesome without dealing with the daily reality of… anything. My first crush was truly cringe-worthy and shows my age: Prince Philip. I was so happy that he found true love with Diana. Whew — dodged a huge reality bullet there! I also tend to crush on characters in books. Gotta love an inscrutable but gentle hero.
I’ve probably got a hangup of not wanting to deal with the reality of a relationship, especially since I’ve spent a lot of my life mostly happily single. But whatever. Maybe when I’m 90 I’ll really want a life companion, and I’ll be ready to “face reality.”
I especially like your list of shifting energy strategies – very helpful. Another vibration-raiser that works for me is gratitude. Speaking of which,
Thank you again! Hugs,
You’re so right Mary Carol, this methodology can be applied to any other situation. That’s what makes this stuff so great: This isn’t a method for getting over a crush, it’s a method for shifting your vibration. I just applied it to the crush situation.
I’ve spent the majority of my life happily single as well. And that’s a great thing to experience. I can be on my own and not feel the desperation that so many feel. I know I’m whole and that gives me a very different leg to stand on when I’m in a relationship. I’m not insecure, I don’t want to control anyone, I don’t get jealous. I’m not deathly afraid that he’ll leave me and that I’ll be, gulp, alone. I’m able to just enjoy the time we have together, in the moment. But I had to spend those years as a single in order to get to that point (that was my journey, others could do it differently), because this is very different from how I was in my first relationship.
Oh, and your crush certainly isn’t more embarrassing than mine. This is a safe zone. It’s all good here. 🙂
Gratitude and hugs right back atcha!
I am now crushed – you are limited in your awesomeness?
LOL Patricia, I’m afraid I am. But as I attract more readers like you, our collective awesomeness will know no bounds. 😀