Last week, I published the post “What Does The Law of Attraction Say About Coincidences?“, which included a metaphor on how we create our reality. One of my awesome readers, Kamal, replied in the comments with a powerful question. You can read that comment in its entirety here. The core of her question had to do with infidelity; specifically, she wanted to know if she had attracted her cheating husband. She wanted to know what she had done wrong.
Note: I’ll tailor my answer to the question (I’ll be talking about a cheating husband), but as always, these principles apply equally to a cheating wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, and in fact, many other situations. The law is the law, y’all.
Getting cheated on is not a punishment
We have this belief that getting cheated on must be our just reward for something we’ve done wrong. “If only I’d been a better wife…”, or “How could I not see this coming? How could I have been so blind?”, or “Why do I have such terrible taste in men?”, are all statements that say essentially the same thing: There’s something wrong with me and that’s why my husband cheated on me.
There’s only one problem with that (ok, there’s totally more than one, but I’m making a point here). Your husband didn’t cheat on you to punish you, or because he felt that you weren’t enough. He cheated because he felt that HE wasn’t enough. Let me explain.
Looking at yourself through the eyes of another
We can blame other people for our actions and feelings all we want, but in the end, we feel the way we do because of how WE are looking at the situation and generally, ourselves. When we first fall in love, we feel amazing. We feel invincible, confident and super sexy. We think it’s because of how this other person is looking at us – they adore us and so therefore, we adore ourselves. Except that’s not true. We see them adoring us, and so we look at ourselves from their perspective. We look at ourselves through their adoring eyes and it feels good. We consider ourselves good enough, worthy enough for them. This amazing person approves of us, and so therefore, we suddenly approve of ourselves. We attribute all of these feelings to our partner, however, and give them all the credit.
When something happens that severs that connection – our partner leaves, cheats, becomes distant – the adoring eyes are taken away. We no longer look at ourselves through those eyes, but rather, through harsh, judgmental ones. We must no longer be good enough, or our partner would’ve stayed. Looking at ourselves this way feels horrible, but we once again, assign all the credit to the other person. They get all the blame. If they hadn’t stopped adoring us, we wouldn’t feel un-adored. If they hadn’t stopped approving of us, we wouldn’t now feel unworthy.
But we’re not feeling unworthy or unattractive because of how our partner is looking at us, or no longer looking at us. Our negative emotions are a direct result of how we’re looking at ourselves. Always. Even if we’re not consciously aware of this.
We just want to feel better
Everything we do, we do only because we think it will make us feel better. And yes, this includes heinous acts like murder and wearing a mullet. People have to be in a very dark place to be in a state where killing another human being would seem like relief. I can only imagine the hell one must be in to think a mullet looks good. But I digress. No matter what excuses we may offer for our actions, the underlying reason is always that we thought it would make us feel better (not necessarily good, just better) in some way.
So, when someone cheats, it’s not because their partner did this or didn’t do that. It’s not because they wanted to punish their partner. It’s always because for some reason, they were feeling bad and cheating (or something associated with it) brought relief (or they at least thought it would). The reasons for these initial negative feelings can be pretty much infinite in number, but at their core, these feelings are generally about the cheater not feeling like they’re complete or enough in some way. You, their partner, couldn’t provide that missing piece (newsflash: no one could), and so they go looking for it elsewhere. And they will fail. Every time. Because no one can really change the way you feel about yourself. Oh sure, they can distract you and temporarily make you feel differently (like when you first fall in love, or when someone leaves you), but if you think you’re broken, you will always return to that feeling no matter what anyone else does. The good news is that if you feel complete, you will also return to that feeling, no matter what anyone else does.
The real question then isn’t “Why did he cheat on me?”, but rather “Why did his cheating make me feel the way it did?”.
You did attract a cheater, but you didn’t make him cheat
If you’ve been cheated on, then yes, something in your vibration brought you together with that person. But you didn’t take a neutral person and make them cheat. You simply attracted someone who was already a cheater. Why the hell would you do that?!
Well, obviously, you didn’t do it consciously. And this didn’t happen because you secretly want to be cheated on. The cheater was simply a catalyst. This situation happened to be the perfect way to evoke a certain feeling in you, one that matched something that’s been festering underneath for quite some time. Whenever you manifest a situation so ugly that it rocks you to your core, it means that the belief that caused it has been there for a long, long time.
Let the feeling lead the way, no matter how freaking scary
When something like this happens, an event that makes you question everything about yourself, you can use it as another excuse to feel horrible and unworthy, or you can see it as an opportunity to release something that’s been dragging you down for years (probably all your life).
It’s time to go digging. How did his cheating make you feel? Obviously, it didn’t feel good, but we need to determine specifically how it felt. What kinds of memories did this event bring up? There’s bound to be an element of “Here we go again…” On some level, you were just proven “right”.
For example, if a young girl was treated with great disrespect by her father or even by both parents, she may well have come to the conclusion that she is not worthy of respect or completely worthless. This belief, if left unreleased, would have created situation after situation that “proved” that the girl and later woman was worthless. She would’ve attracted people into her life that treated her badly – overbearing bosses, friends who took advantage of her, and yes, cheating boyfriends and husbands. In that case, the cheating would’ve felt just like all of those other events. It would’ve made her feel discarded, overlooked, like her opinion and feelings didn’t matter at all. On some level, she’d always be expecting this feeling; she’d always be expecting the other shoe to drop, and for men (or people in general) to disrespect her.
Another woman might feel quite differently about the cheating. It might’ve made her feel abandoned, or perhaps it would’ve triggered feelings of never being good enough for anything, or always making mistakes/getting everything wrong. Do you see the subtle but distinct differences between these feelings?
Look at me!!
When we manifest these kinds of events in our lives, it’s not because we made a mistake or because there’s something wrong with us. It’s because we have a belief that isn’t serving us and it basically just smacked us in the back of the head to get our attention. With a frying pan. And a rubber hose. It’s screaming “Look at me!!”, so that you can finally release it. You’re not being punished, you’re being called to attention. Yes, in a horrible way, but some of us need a pretty big push to finally deal with the monsters in our own closets.
Those “monsters” are our limiting beliefs, and the irony is that they only seem scary until we actually take a peek at them. Once we realize what was at the core of our feelings, the scariness subsides. Not only that, but we gain back a sense of control. Things aren’t happening to us because we’re bad or because we have no control. It’s cause and effect. And when we figure out the cause, we can change the effect.
But…what do you do about the cheater?
So, you understand that you’re feeling bad, not because he cheated on you, but of how that action caused you to look at yourself. Great. What do you do now? Do you kick the cheating bastard out? Do you forgive him? Well, I can’t pack a whole coaching session into one blog post, and I won’t tell you what to do, but I can give you a little bit of guidance, so that hopefully, you’ll figure it out on your own:
Ask yourself a few questions:
- What feels better to you: Staying with him and trying to work it out, or leaving (even for a while)? Be honest. This isn’t about what society thinks or what your mother will say. What feels better to you?
- Go do that.
- Start evaluating what was at the core of how the cheating made you feel. Your feelings are your clues.
- Release that belief. (Also, check out the Limiting Beliefs Category for tons of posts on this subject).
- Once you’re stable in that new vibration and you feel better, you can decide if you want to work it out with your husband, or want to start over and attract someone new. Again, go with how YOU feel.
Have you ever cheated or been cheated on? Do you have any advice for Kamal? Share your thoughts in the comments!
Lady… that really spoke to me. I’ve searched high and low for an answer or explanation that made sense and your words really opened up a door for me. Thank-you.. and bless you
Thanks so much for the feedback Jen. I’m really glad it helped.
I recently was dumped by my soul mate (actually a week ago, today). At first I was devastated, hurt and angry, he hadn’t cheated physically but he was interested in someone so he cheated with his heart. At one point he found me on the bathroom floor exhausted from crying and freezing. For days I found every opportunity to say mean and hurtful things about him and her. Then in a quiet moment I thought about it and asked myself, if he told me he would stay together if I wanted would I want that? The resounding answer was “No”. Neither of us would be happy. I’m scared as hell because I worked for him and lived with him so now I’m moving out and starting over in a friend’s studio too small for my kids to visit BUT I received that blessing and will receive more! I’m celebrating every gift, no matter how small while looking ahead to bigger things. As for my boyfriend, I wished him well in my heart, I want him to be happy. I know there might be times ahead where something will set me off; a song, someone mentioning his name or seeing him with her or someone else but I know I’ll be better able equipped to handle it. Thanks again Melody, you’re a lifesaver….again!-Karma
Great job! Having the epiphany that you were pining for something that you actually no longer wanted is HUGE! Congratulations.
the process isn’t always easy, but if you can now focus positively on what lies ahead, instead of negatively on what you’ve left behind, you can line yourself up with what this relationship caused you to create! Yay!
Hmm. First article I didn’t like as much. This has never happened to me but happened to people I care about. If I was ever cheated on I wouldn’t be bothering to analyse the situation until that person was out of my life.
I don’t think it should be recommended for people to stay with a cheater. This just condones their behaviour and gives them the green light for more affairs. It also shows the world you have a low standard and will accept disrespect. You made an agreement for a monogamous relationship and they used forethought and choice to play with someone else often more than once.
Wouldn’t condoning the cheating attract more cheating? It sounds like being a doormat. Wouldn’t it be telling the universe: “I accept cheating”
I also think many cheaters people have told me about seem to be narcissistic. They might want power or get a thrill from stringing someone along. They don’t have empathy for the broken hearted person. It’s not something a person that truly loves you would do. That’s just too much lying and lack of consideration.
So… this one hit a nerve, eh? 😉
I would never tell someone who has been cheated on to stay. Or to leave. Each situation is different and has to be evaluated on a case by case basis. Each person is different.
I’ve known couples that survived cheating and are stronger than ever. The man did not cheat again. I’ve known women who attracted one cheater after another. I’ve known men who were cheated on and could not forgive.
Sometimes it’s best to leave and sometimes it’s best to stay. Staying is not the same as being a doormat. There are so many variables to consider.
And you’re right – sometimes it’s impossible to sort through our feelings until we get out of a situation. Again, each individual needs to determine that for themselves. This post was written in response to a question that came from someone being cheated on and who felt guilt and shame about it as many who get cheated on do. What did they do wrong? What did they do to deserve this? I aimed to soothe those feelings with this post.
However, based on my experience and on those of my clients, I can tell you that just because someone has cheated doesn’t mean they don’t love their partner. It’s so much more complex than that. When we sort through the feelings we often discover a whole big mess of discord and long ignored feelings on both sides.
But even those who leave after being cheated on would do well to figure out what really happened. Leaving may help a bit, but it doesn’t solve the underlying issues. Solving those leads to much more authentic, honest and connected relationships. and that’s one hell of a reward. 🙂
I’m sorry, but there are more questions that runs through my mind. I hear that a lot, when you are in a relationship and you have this feeling that everything will be ok… Then it’s usually over. My friends and I experienced that. Or when I thought OK, I’ll do this and that, I feel comfortable that everything is going to be just fine, then it wasn’t like that at all. I find that awful, because I think it wasn’t just a thought but real commitment that something will change. You get that false feelings that it will be allright but than it is/gets worse than you could even imagine.
One more thing. How do we know or feel, what is the realistic optimism and what are purely just our dreams, desires, wishes, which can’t actually be granted. Where is the safe border? When you are in a depression and you see more negative than positive, it is difficult to determine what is real, what is fantasy (daydreaming)…
I hope I wrote that clearly enough and you’ll understand what I’m trying to ask you by these questions. Because I’m really confused with all of the “rules” in LOA.
Thanks again! I really appreciate every thought!
I can assure you that there is no Universal rule that says that when you get comfortable in a relationship, it will fall apart and get really ugly. Those are more beliefs that you hold. Also, it’s possible that when you finally relax and let things flow that you allow things that you want to come into your reality, but because you don’t understand what’s happening, you judge them to be “bad”. For example, let’s say that you’re in a relationship, but it’s not ideal. Deep down, you know it’s not ideal, but your fear of being alone is bigger than your willingness to follow your true desires and so you hold on to him. Then, when you relax and allow yourself to be happy, you line up with what you want – an awesome relationship. In order to allow that in, the current relationship you have has to gravitate out. But instead of just letting it, you try to hold on, which aggravates the resistance you have, moves you away from what you REALLY want and causes a ton of negative emotion. it is your perspective that’s causing your pain, always.
In terms of your question, I would go with ANY thought that feels better. Even if it’s fantasy, if it makes you feel truly better, it’s going to take you out of that depression and that’s your first goal. You may not think it’s productive, but if it makes you feel better, it is. You do not have to focus specifically on what you want in order to line up with it. You just have to stop blocking it. When you feel better (no matter on what subject), you line up with what you want.
There is really only one “rule” in LOA (I just keep saying it in many different ways): Feel good. Feel good now and what you want will come. Feel good for the sake of feeling good. Do what you have to do to feel good. That’s really all it comes down to. 🙂
I’m still beginner to this LOA, so I would like to ask for your help. I don’t understand, if somebody wants a guy, who is tall, blond and fit and with all other desirable features, they often and up with small, dark and fat guy – opposite of what they imagined. How LOA works here?
Also, when I try to think positive and finally feel it, there is always something negative that brings me back to “real life” – miserable and depressive. It seems like I can’t or won’t be happy because it always brings me down somehow.
Recently, my boyfriend of 7 years broke up with me and when I have “good days”, when I feel really positive, I somehow saw him ( in a car), no matter what time or place it was – nothing that I or he could predict that we will be there and saw eachother. I think he’s already in a new relationship, so I can’t figure it out what is the meaning of seeing him in my positive days… which then brought me back to misery. Is it possible that because he moved on, he is in positive state and when I was in that mood LOA tries to tell me I should move on? I’m really confused about these things, so I would appreciate every thought about it.
Thank you so much!!!
Someone may want a tall, blonde and fit guy, but what you think you want and what you’re attracting aren’t always the same thing. Your vibration is what attracts, and if you have strong belief that you’d love to have Mr. Tall and Blonde, but that you’ll probably have to settle for Danny DeVito, then guess what you’re actually going to attract. If you’re not attracting what you want, check your beliefs.
If you keep being pulled back down to misery when you’re reaching for better feelings, you may be reaching too far. This is called a quantum leap. Check out this post for an explanation: Is There A Rebound Effect With the Law of Attraction?
As you reach for higher vibrations, the resistance you have will come up and manifest. It’s like the Universe is showing you what you have to clean up in order to feel well and truly better. That’s the message. So, if you keep seeing your boyfriend, pay attention to how you feel when you see him. You are holding a belief about yourself or men or relationships that feels exactly like that. Have you ever felt like that at other times in your life? Look for a pattern. If you can find the thought or belief that you’re holding on to, you can release it and your ex won’t show up anymore. Pay attention to your own feelings. They are the key.
I hope that’s helpful.
Thanks for a quick reply. I’m still not sure about my feelings. I thought about how much I wanted him back, then I read a lot about LOA and I was trying to let him go and choose to be happy and react “healty”. I thought that positive thinking could make him come back to me sooner or later. When I saw him I was happy, because I thought this could actually work, but later that day I couldn’t handle it anymore. I found all negative reasons why this couldn’t be a good sign. I’m still confused about all that. Is it possible to attract him back with positive thoughts or not to focuse on him at all?
Love and Hugs
I can’t tell you exactly what’s coming up for you without getting into a conversation with you (this is what I do with my coaching clients. WE find the clarity and then release those beliefs that are holding them back), but a good rule of thumb is this: Does it feel good to think of him? If yes, keep doing that. If no, change the subject. Get really general and find a perspective that feels better.
check out the posts on this blog about Relationships (click on the categories in the right hand navigation). There are a lot of posts there about different beliefs that could be causing negative feelings. They may help you find more clarity and a perspective on your relationship that feels better.
If you want to work with me personally, just check out my coaching packages in the top navigation (Work With Me).
I hope that helps. 🙂
[…] Melody Fletcher posted a blog today that just floored me. [CLICK HERE to read the post] […]
I know this post is a couple of weeks old, but just got to read it. You are nailing this, perfectly, Melody. Our society doesn’t teach much about the law of attraction, what it teaches is “it’s not your fault” if your husband or wife cheats on you or if you keep attracting Mr. or Mrs. wrong, so as a society we tend to stop there and look no further. Just feeling like victims.
It was not until I got involved with personal development that I finally understood why I was attracting Mr. wrong ALL THE TIME! When you finally stop blaming others for your misery and understand that you have done it all, even if only subconsciously, but done it all nonetheless, you feel relief and stronger, and as you are saying, you can actually, now release that negative vibrations and move on.
Thanks for clearing all that up for those who are ready and searching for it.
Everything happens with perfect timing, so you found this at just the right time. 🙂
I’m so glad this post resonated with you. I find this information empowering, too. I think when we know what really happened, then we can make the changes to get a different result. I’m so glad that so many people like you agree.
Happy Holiday Hugs!
Just wanted to comment and say this is insanely good advice for dealing with cheating within a relationship. I know many women and men blame themselves for their cheating spouses, when really it’s not their fault. I do find it interesting that you say you have to take sort of an internal inventory of how the cheating made you feel and if you think you’re giving off the wrong vibrations.
I am curious to find out if you are speaking from experience or more observation?
Kamal asked the question, but I wrote the answer. 🙂 And thank you for the wonderful compliment. I’m glad you resonate with the advice.
I have not been cheated on personally, no. My answer comes from an understanding of the underlying energy, which comes from a lot of study, experience and observation (I do have my battle scars, just not this particular one…)
Thanks for your comment!
My husband cheated on me once; I kicked his sorry ass out…….
You talk about law of attraction and I’m going to go out on a limb and assume you think it’s neutral, meaning it’s not gender biased; but do you think one gender might be more prone than the other to stray or is it equally likely to happen? Do you think men and women view love and sex the same or differently; hard-wired differently?
Finally, what do you define as ‘cheating’? Physical intimacy only, affairs of the heart, flirting? Where is the line drawn?
Yes, there are some hound dogs that pro-actively try to make this happen and then there are others who just happen to ‘fall into it’. Neither is justified, but do you think the law of attraction make some more pre-disposed to succumb than others?
I know, too many questions, but curious minds want to know.
Well, it’s a hard question to answer, but overall, I guess I do believe that men and women see sex differently. I have this theory that heterosexual couples would act more like gay male couples if women allowed it. Meaning, there would probably be more open relationships and a lot less lying (let’s face it ladies, we want men to lie to us. None of us actually ever want to hear that our butts look big. Men don’t either, but they don’t ask…) Men tend to take sex less seriously. But again, that’s a total generalization, one which is becoming less and less relevant.
The line is drawn by the person who gets cheated on – my whole point of this article was to show that the feelings of pain come from the “victim”, not the act or the other person. You react to things based on YOUR perspective. And so no one else can define what you’d consider cheating, except you.
No, the law of attraction does not make people do anything. It will bring you circumstances that make it easy to play out your current mindset, though. So LOA may well bring you people to cheat with if you’re giving off a “I’m gonna cheat” vibe. We all have the power to focus on anything we want – thoughts that make us miserable and make us do pretty much anything to try and relieve that misery OR thoughts that make us feel good.
There’s no such thing as too many questions, my lovely Bill. I love ’em all.
Huge squishy hugs,
This is one of the most interesting, precarious subjects to write about, as infidelity in relationships cuts deeply into our cores, and often leaves us defeated.
And because of that, we can learn a lot about ourselves by it.
I´m also fascinated by the idea that there is an underlying belief we unconcioulsy entertain (often for a very long time), that attracted (caused!) the situation (repeatedly); this clicks with me, though I can´t really think of beliefs that make people attract devastating experiences. That would mean, that the belief is the equivalent to the experience on the mental plane – cosy lying in its bed, unrecognized. We believe so many things, which have the status of a physical law, that we hardly recognize them as the perpetrators of our lifes debacles.
And therefore we get a chance by being smacked at the back of our heads? And if the frying pan doesn´t work, maybe the rack will do the job? Good lord.., no veto? Agreed.
Yeah, it´s always about learning about ourselves, that can turn every experience into an instrument of self-empowerment. Though I think, similar to the feeling of grief when loss is faced, infidelity in a love relationship causes natural feelings of hurt, confusion and abandonment. From the perspective of experience its the other person who makes you feel that way, though over time you may realize that somthing has been lying inside of you anyway to be met with a certain response for a reason.
To know that we have the choice of perception and conclusion, which will determine our experiences to be, keeps us joyously on our journey.
There are many advices to give in such a case, I think, but generally the most painful part is to get clear about the truth of the relationship, the feelings and perspective of your partner. Set him free, when he isn´t happy with you (being faithful to you). And set yourself free as well, as you lived in an illusion before. Take your time to deal with whatever comes up, knowing that you free yourself and that you don´t need to manipulate the truth, as it is always devoted to your happiness, be sure of that.
No veto… Ha, ha. The thing to remember is that when we’re on the rack, we can stop it at any time. There’s no dungeon master – we just have to give up and be willing to let got of whatever belief is causing us to be there. 🙂
I think the heart of our pain when getting cheated on is that we allow the other person’s actions to make us feel that we’re not good enough. And yes, often there are feelings of abandonment and rejection involved, but as you pointed out, they were there before. It’s not necessarily an easy shift to make, but if we can begin to look at these kinds of events as useful tools instead of just random torture, we can begin to heal so much faster.
Huge hugs to you,
..we can stop it, when we have unraveled the belief(s) which are complicited in, that´s not an easy one, because quite often there is no obvious and direct connection between the circumstance and the beliefs involved.
The circumstance might just be a door to something you never would have considered to be responsible for it. I´ve started recently to question my beliefs about man and woman, my frozen ideas about injustice and inadequacy in the relationship, and I found myself in a hell of a self-inflicted mental state..
I also can relate to what you write about the feeling of not being good enough when having gotten cheated on, though this feeling generally aroses (strongly) when you are young(er), because you don´t know about your own worth yet by experience (you gain strength and selfesteem by experiencing yourself). In later years you can be more “generous”, knowing that love is a gift you don´t have to earn yourself with anything.
I think a great way to get a new perspective on the whole man/woman paradigm is to talk to people in their early 20’s. They aren’t as mired in the old way of thinking. Or, and I’m actually thinking of doing a blog post about this – talk to a gay couple. Since their only role model is a male/female relationship, and that doesn’t really work (many have tried, but men aren’t women), they’ve had to reinvent the rules from scratch. Gender roles are breaking down (the woman does this, the man is responsible for that) and I find that gay couples have often found a way to assign responsibilities in the relationships based on their own personal strengths, rather than on antiquated rules. We are always free to define our relationships ourselves. Oooh, I’m just loving this conversation! 🙂
..aren´t they (mired in..)? Thing is, I can´t go with a 20 yrs old.. 🙂 😉
Cool post, Melody. 🙂
I only have one request for the girls I date. If you’re going to cheat on me, please let me know in advance. Because it saves me time and I really don’t like having to find out the slow way ie catching you in bed with him one day or reading your dirty text messages by accident. It’s really a waste of time, not to mention staring at another man’s butt while he fails miserably at trying to hide himself under the sheets is very unsettling and puts me in an extremely awkward situation. All this while he still has a boner.
Also, I wouldn’t want to pick up the tab if you’re cheating. It’s unfair and makes you a bitch, especially if you order the ‘Large’ meals by adding an extra dollar. And if I bump into a cute girl at Subway and don’t hit on her because I’m being loyal to you, and then it turns out you’re cheating, that’s bad for your karma because you just robbed me of a potential wife.
So really, if someone’s going to cheat on me, all I want from them is a little consideration. Just tell me you’re cheating, and I’ll pretend to throw a fit if it makes you feel better, but then it’s “Goodbye, nice knowing you” and I’m off to the locksmith to change the key. 7billion people in the world, half of them are of the opposite sex. It’d be a miracle if I didn’t bump into a new someone by the end of the week. 😉
Kamal, I hope you find a kickass resolution to all this, and no matter what move you make, I’m pretty sure it’ll be for the best as long as it feels good to you. Just know that there is absolutely nothing wrong with you, and if anything, this whole scenario happened as a way for you to kickstart the process of having a much better life. 🙂
I would be really surprised if you attracted a cheater, given how open you are to idea of it. You don’t so much push against the idea of getting cheated on, as the idea of someone wasting your time, LOL.
The important thing to ask is – What does the experience of being cheated on mean to you, and are you a match to the feeling of that experience?
And I love your advice to Kamal. Thanks for chiming in.
To be honest, that’s actually what it is. I’m more worried about my time getting wasted than actually being cheated on. That’s not to say I don’t love my partner and it doesn’t mean I’m not possessive, but the whole idea of getting riled-up over a partner who cheats doesn’t sit well with me. Once they’ve cheated, they’ve cheated. You either accept and talk it through or accept and move on. Being miserable doesn’t change anything. Sure, it’ll probably suck if it happens after I’m married because that complicates things, especially with kids, but the way I see it, the person who’s cheating is probably in a psychological state that’s far worse than mine right now. I understand why people get hurt over this, it’s very reasonable, but to me it all boils down to learning, letting go, and moving on.
If a girl spends an eternity with me, that’s awesome. That’s a dream come true. But if she sees something in another man that she doesn’t in me, it’s time to let her go because that’s probably how she’ll learn stuff in her own journey. There’s no use trying to force her to adapt, or force her to see something that she didn’t before. And there’s no use in me pretending to be something I’m not, because eventually I’ll just bounce back to my core self. So instead of making her feel like a slut or making my own life miserable, I might as well get the story firsthand out in the open, confront the situation, and tell her it’s time to move on. That way it won’t be cheating, she’ll feel free about it, and we won’t be in a rut together either.
I think you’ve pointed out something huge here: You’re not that married to the idea of a relationship lasting forever that you’d rather be unhappy than see it end. If she wants out, she should get out. You’ll survive. I think that realization would solve a lot of relationship issues. People hang on to the idea, this NEED for things to just last forever, that they’re willing to put up with all kinds of suffering to stay together. You’re a perfect example of how freeing it is when you’ve surpassed (or never picked up) that belief.
Oh dealing with those beliefs is so important…and so many of them are deceptive in nature and maybe built upon family beliefs that were not true either.
Also we feel comfortable hanging on to what we know and understand. Until there is discomfort it is very difficult to change – and we have so much practice blaming the other
Our whole culture here in USA is US vs Them right now….except everyone else is them in this scenario.
This is so much of how Nonviolent Communications is built…and opens up such beautiful conversations and connections.
I think before I got married I would want to take a whole course in NVC and a whole course in talking about money and if the person did not have integrity and was not willing to work it through – I seriously would not get married.
Great post and great question….
You make a lot of great points (as usual).
I can’t imagine being in a relationship with someone (even a friendship) who was not willing and able to take a look at themselves and actively work on raising their vibration and releasing resistance. Luckily, there are plenty of people who are not just willing, but totally into it, just like me. There’s no shortage of individuals who are on this wavelength and more are joining every day.
I think the whole US vs. THEM mentality is breaking down. It just doesn’t make sense. We’ve been so conditioned to be afraid of our neighbor, as if everyone else is just one stubbed toe from going completely ape shit and regressing to a Neanderthal state. Not us, oh no. We’re rational. But those other people… they can’t be trusted. Right…
Huge hugs to you my dear!
Thank you soooo much for this blog….was waiting for this very eagerly….how beautifully you make us understand things…
I would like to add more things to this…it is said that your partner is at times, like, either of your parents….as Louise says that if you hate any of your parents habits or if they are your role models, you attract your life partner accordingly….OR….if we had parents who had a problematic relationships, then also we tend to attract something similar relationship…Melody I request you to please enlighten us on this theory…………..
My mom and Dad never stayed together after my birth…my Mom used to get hysteric attacks since then….she tried to have a tight hold on the family….we had a joint family…she used to dominate on every one…due to insecure feeling she wanted to have everything in her control…but she didn’t realize that she had become bitter and rude in doing so…as I grew up, I always had a question in my mind…how can a mother be so rude and strict with her children….where as mother is the most loving and caring person on this earth for a children…I grew up with such questions in my mind….her maternal family was also very strict and dominating…I wanted to break this hereditary trend in me….since then I had a deep interest and curiosity to understand human nature and relationships…..I always believed that incidences and people come to teach us something in life….my mom is one person because of whom I started acquiring knowledge on human nature and the other is my husband…I thank these two people for giving me such experience in life because of which I learnt to give importance to myself….I started exploring more on relationships and am helping out many people overcome their problems as much as I can with whatever knowledge I have…
A big thanks to Melody for giving such clear views to every aspect of life….lots of love…
You’re so welcome. Thank YOU for asking the question publicly and allowing others to benefit from it. 🙂
You are not doomed to be stuck with your parents’ beliefs, but you did most likely pick up the vibration of them. This vibration may or may not manifest in the same way in you as it did in them. In other words, you may share the same belief, but act upon it very differently.
It sounds like your mother had a great deal of fear and was trying desperately to maintain control. She didn’t want to give them any power. You may have the same fear, but it could be causing you to give away all of your power.
In any case, we can always choose to release those beliefs, no matter how many generations of our family have carried them. It’s like each generation carried this large, heavy rock with it. And they passed it on to their offspring. Now you have this heavy rock, only, you don’t have to carry it around anymore. You can just drop it. So, you may well have been influenced by your mother (everyone is), but you don’t have to just accept that. You can do something about it.
Your search has already lead you to a lot of answers, and don’t worry, this is just the beginning. It gets so much better. One day you wake up and you’re suddenly a happy shiny puppy. 😀
It’s true, everyone manifests, and we still attract imperfect people because we’re all imperfect ourselves. We don’t have any idea what perfectionism is because, let’s face it, it doesn’t exist. I think you’re right on. People who have been victimized by infidelity can blame themselves for everything going wrong and that’s where there’s a line in the sand. Thanks for your commitment to making the Law of Attraction make sense. 🙂
We are all perfect in our imperfection. LOL.
You’re so welcome! I adore this work. When you make sense of LOA, you make sense of everything and that’s a beautiful place to be.
this was one really great post. Thank you for sharing your wisdom with us. Cheating is the worst thing that can happen to anyone, especially to a woman. My best friend had a problem with her ex boyfriend, because he cheated her with another woman just few days before they were supposed to marry. Imagine how she felt. Well, i cant even imagine how she felt, because that is the worst thing that someone can do to you – cheat you! I hope that it will never happen to me!
Actually, I can think of much harsher ways to manifest our resistance than getting cheated on. Also, would it have been better for him to cheat after they were married? Wasn’t it better to find out that she had an issue before taking the vows? Clearly, if she had gone forward, it wouldn’t have led to happiness, and what’s more important? Being married, or being happy? 🙂 I’m sure this incident, painful as it was, caused your friend to make some changes she’d been afraid to make. It caused her to look at something she’d been afraid to look at. That’s what these painful experiences do for us: they force us to finally face our Boogiemen.
Being cheated on is not the worst thing that can happen to someone. It’s a message, that’s all. And we don’t have to see it as this horrible thing, as a value judgment on ourselves. The more open we are to receiving these messages, the less “painful” they become, because they get our attention much earlier, before they lead to cheating, or being robbed or smacked in the back of the head by the Universe. 😉
Huge hugs to you my dear Eleonora,
We learn better from direct experience than from reading them from a book. Thank you for sharing.
As Abraham likes to say: “Words don’t teach. Only experience teaches.” So, SO true… 🙂
“if you haven’t cleared resistance, the Universe will keep sending you more and more men that will mirror that belief back to you in all it’s glory until you “get” it.”
That’s exactly what I’m afraid of!! And it has led me to swear off dating completely. Not the healthiest response, but for the moment, maybe the safest. No more psychos! Please!
Can’t wait to read about your insight.
Ok Mary Carol. You have two choices: You can lock yourself away from men and be a single hermit. Or… you can date and allow the Universe to show you what resistance you have to what you really want, then use that info to clear said resistance, and manifest what you truly want. Just don’t see every man you date as “the one”. See him as he current guy you get to play with and learn all you can from.
Also, have you read my post on dating psychos??
Why give up on what you really want? Clean that shit up and go get you some, girl! 😀
[…] Melody Fletcher posted a blog today that just floored me. [CLICK HERE to read the post] […]
First off, congrats Kamal and Melody for tackling such a difficult subject.
For me, your words apply to any break-up, not just cheating. Looking back at my last two relationships, even in hindsight, I can’t find the limiting belief(s) that I need to release. Acckk! It’s like standing in front of a brick wall.
I don’t know if it’s possible to eliminate issues by aggressively focusing on the positive, in essence not giving energy to the problem. But that’s where I am at the moment. When I feel myself dip, I go into ‘hug the little girl’ mode, reminding myself how much I love myself and how sweetly the universe cradles me, and soon the perceived lack (money or a partner or whatever) that triggered the down time evaporates. Just light, peace, love, the incredible feeling of expansion. Joy is addictive, and I stay in this joyful place more and more.
Ironically, I was never a hippy back in the 60’s, when everyone else was. My hippy-dippy self is emerging instead as I enter my own 60’s. Cool, baby.
Thanks once again, Melody, for your words of wisdom, and Kamal, for bringing such a difficult and pervasive situation to the table.
Hi Mary Carol,
I’m coming to realize more and more that while out FOCUS needs to stay on the positive, we have to ALLOW the negative feelings that come up. I had a major insight this weekend (freakin’ MAJOR) and as soon as I process it, I’ll write about it. Hold on to your hats, people!
And don’t worry, if you haven’t cleared resistance, the Universe will keep sending you more and more men that will mirror that belief back to you in all it’s glory until you “get” it. 😉
I agree to your ‘ little girl hug’ mode….after the break up I did go in self criticism feeling..but I immediately switched out of that negative emotion…thanks to the theory of self love which I had learned from Louis Hay’s book ” You can heal your life”…as you said that one cannot be positive in such situation but self-love does help one overcome this…I used to keep saying the affirmations..” I love and approve of myself” and ” I love and appreciate myself”…In the beginning the tears used to roll down while saying this but I kept saying it until one day I got to believe in it…
Thank you very much for reading Mary…