It’s Video Tuesday! Yaaaaay!
If it’s one thing that I’ve learned in doing this work is that everyone can benefit from loving themselves more. It’s something you hear all the time – “You just have to love yourself”. But… what does that even mean? How can you learn to love yourself, when you currently don’t and perhaps don’t even know what that feels like?
That’s what today’s video is about. I’m going to share 2 techniques with you that have served me well, both personally and with my coaching clients.
Technique Number 1:
This has to do with how you talk to yourself. Generally, unless they’ve done some conscious work on the subject, most people can be really nasty bastards to themselves. What’s your first response when you make a mistake? If you’re like most people, it’s something like “Man! I’m such an idiot”. You might even say that kind of thing out loud. *Insert Facepalm here*
You can change both the tone and words you use to talk to yourself by doing the following:
- Imagine a small, defenseless child that you adore.
- Pretend that this child has done what you just did – made the mistake, screwed something up, whatever.
- What would your response to this child be? Probably not “You’re such an idiot”, unless you’re a total douchebag, in which case, chances are, you’re not watching my videos.
- Now, use those same words to talk to yourself. Run everything you say to yourself through that filter.
You’ll be amazed at how quickly you’ll begin to completely change the way you speak to yourself.
Technique Number 2:
- Think of someone that you love dearly. Don’t choose someone that brings up negative feelings along with love, use a person who you simply adore. Grandparents and babies work well for this exercise.
- Sit with that emotion for a little bit. Really get into the feeling of love. What does it feel like?
- From that high vibrational place, just for a moment, look at yourself through those eyes. Don’t be discouraged if you can’t quite reach that feeling, or if you can’t hold on to it for very long. You are literally retraining your brain and it will get easier with practice.
If you do these exercises daily, even just for a few minutes, the way you speak and look at yourself will change drastically. You’ll feel kinder, both towards yourself and other people. You’ll feel less stressed (most stress is actually self induced) and calmer.
Give these techniques a try and tell me what you think. Do you feel better? What techniques have you found that have raised your self esteem? Let me know in the comments!
I struggle with this in terms of my body. I really struggle with convincing myself that I’m good enough despite my body not being “as good” as “normal people’s” bodies. I have had a slightly crooked spine and skin pigmentation issues (vitiligo) since my early teens (27 now) and I’ve had to fight very strong urges to use these physical issues as arguments for why I’m a useless freak – and why no one would want anything to do with me if they found about my “terrible secret”. It feels almost impossible to convince myself that I’m good enough. I feel like it would be possible if I just didn’t have these physical ailments that my mind can keep using against me.
Can anyone explain to me if it’s possible to love yourself enough so that these ailments do not matter anymore, or if it is actually possible to cure myself using LOA? Are these physical issues actually manifestations of my own emotions? I feel like I’m right on the threshold of “getting it” but my body issues keep pushing me back.
I also use to call myself an idiot, when i make mistakes all the time, and the more i did that to myself, the more i hated my life.
But the was a point in my life that i said enough is enough, i started to tell myself that i love me, i am strong, i am beautiful and many nice things adout myself.
Now at this point of my life, i truely love myself and i would like any one who has a tough time in their life to start to tell themselfs that i love my life, and thing will start to be better in no time at all.
Also, I found some of the amazing articles on your website regarding law of attraction. I read half a dozen articles…. Just loved reading them… Keep inspiring… Thank you so much.. 🙂
I’ve used the technique no. 2 many times already… Yeah! it really works. Thinking about children or just imagining yourself being a child creates more happiness and positivity in life. 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂
Wonderful content… Thanks for sharing… 🙂
How cute are you in this video! I feel like squeezing you (that’s what I do to cats, dogs & babies because they are so adorable). I remember watching this vlog on youtube over and over again when I discovered youtube repeat.
Apart from that, I have nothing of value to add to this discussion hehehehehe 🙂
Totally agree that the more we love ourselves, I mean REALLY love ourselves, the more we experience life.
Ther’s a nice quote by Kamal Ravikant which says:
“The truth is to love yourself with the same intensity
you would use to pull yourself up if you were hanging
of a cliff with your fingers. “
And I think he’s pretty right.
Both techniques are so simple it’s mind boggling how we can change our perspective of ourselves (and our lives) so easily
I’ve finally figured out that loving yourself is one of the key components of manifestation. It seems that however you feel about yourself is how the Universe will treat you – or how you will perceive that the Universe treats you. Or if you love yourself, the Universe will appear to love you back. My biggest issue has been that of perfectionism. I can be pretty hard on myself (and others) and this recently came up on my radar. I’m currently working on seeing everything and everyone in my life as perfect already. That way, the perfectionist within me is satisfied. Instead of trying to fight against it, that has been my way of working WITH it. This is a big one for me. We’ll see where it leads. 🙂
Simple but great. Very similar to some powerful NLP techniques.
I used to have a lot of issues with loving myself. I can’t say exactly when the shift was…but it just gradually shifted for me. I think it was once I decided to start following my passion and not listen to what others thought I should do.
I LOVE your blog BTW. Its got some incredible insights!
Wow, thank you. I really appreciate that. 🙂
You are gorgeous and you give such great advice! I look so forward to trying the techniques, thank you! Your blog has been of such great help to me, I am feeling so gracious!
Hugs to you too!
I have moved to this blog, from the sex blog, as I felt my answer was not appropriate there anymore:
I spoke of a man who loses his job and his spouse don’t support him. She was angry.
I didn’t agree, because I think that he needs love the most at that time and if it were my husband, yes, I’d be worried, but I’d shower him in love and support. I’d be happy I had someone that loved me, like he did for her!
He was so sweet! Anyway…
But his thinking was:
I’ve lost my job, I’m a fat, unemployed failure, I’ve let my family down…I’m the one that didn’t work hard enough. I’m the one that lost my job, I’m the one that lost my spending power.
I’m the one that lost the money to go out, put fuel in car, see mates. It’s my fault I’m now at home and sad and my wife has every reason to be repelled by me.
When I get another job, get my pride back, get some cash flow, I can see mates again, put fuel in my car, and my wife won’t be so repelled by me any more.
An outsider can easily see this is so harsh and nasty. That he can get a job back. It’s not the end of the world. He can find another job.
Some people are disabled and don’t have a hope of being independant or working again. He is lucky. It’s a minor set-back, he doesn’t need to get so down.
But to him, he looks in the mirror and sees the reality. He is overweight (it’s true).
He has been fired. They are losing money. He can’t pay for things. His health is going to shit. He is in a real mess and can’t seem to get work.
He’s so broke he can’t even put fuel in his car to see friends or get out. He stays home and is tongue lashed by his wife, that calls him a slob. His unemployment has spiralled into sitting at home watching daytime t.v.
His focus is really negative.
Now, we can see this is a reflection of her (callous cow!…) not being kind and supportive. We can see that her not loving him anymore, is all about her and not him.
We spoke of self-love. It’s easy as we are not in the situation and we feel much better than him.
The solutions are right there. He just needs to feel better, get another job and he’ll soon be out with mates, having a great time, regain his money and pride.
But he is in a low vibration.
How can he have unconditional love and change his vibration, get out of unrequited love and win his wife back. (ok pretend she’s worth winning back, imagine she was nice to him)
But in his mind, he can’t fathom the idea it’s about her. In his mind, the relationship problems started because he lost his job and it’s his fault as he slipped into a depression and repelled his wife.
In his mind he just has to do a, b and c and she’ll love him again. But she can’t love him NOW.
No, because he views himself as unemployed and thinks this is very bad.
And in all reality how many people find this attractive:
-lack of friends
individual attractive??? None!
So his harsh self-judgement is sadly true, people want people that have a life!
How can he love himself?
How can he convince himself he is lovable right now? (not after obtaining emploment)
I use the husband example, as the disabled women always leaves people stumped as the added complication that she may never get better or have a life.
Which raises the question…IF he was never able to work, his legs were blown off or something..
Whatever! Just use your imagination. There was just no quick chance of him being a healthy, working indivual…
How is it possible to shift focus so dramatically, that even someone like that could love themselves with thinking in the back of their head (I do love myself, but I see myself doing x,y,z in future)
So it’s like everyone loves themselves but secretly, most people only do on the basis they will improve or have a goal.
So what if he was permanently like that? Can he be loved? Would he ever win?
Or do we have to complete a.b and c to restore balance?
That’s a biggie, I know, but so glad to finally express this!
BTW The man did get a job, one he really loved and makes him happy. And it did restore his marriage.
But he is still a good example as we don’t know what things he did to turn his whole situation around.
Also it made me wonder, if he failed to find that amazing job, would he still have his wife….
In such an extreme example, I would recommend that the man take a walk every day, leave the house, go somewhere calm and pretty and just relax, doze, feel better. Meditate. Do anything other than stay home and get bitched at.
Feeling better when you’re that low takes a bit of time. It happens incrementally. And the first step is to make the decision to feel better. Then, focus on anything that feels better. Day by day, make that decision again and again. And the effort will add up. It will get easier.
you are changing my life with every video i watch, i could cry, because i’ve been searching for something like website for awhile…
thank you, thank you, thank you…
I’ve seen your comments all over the place and I promise, I’m not ignoring you. I’ve just gotten super busy and have to catch up. Thank you so much for your wonderful feedback. I’m so happy that the videos are making such a difference for you.
Sending you huge happy shiny puppy hugs! 🙂
This video is worthy of the “beyondblue” website. I learnt this a couple of years back when their website gave some great tips for happiness. One was “treat yourself like your best friend”
So obvious, but fantastic.
I realised I would not try to bump off my best friend, harm them, trap them inside, yell at them etc
I then had to go through a period of self-forgiveness as I realised I had been a real sadist to myself.
It is shocking when we realize just how mean we are being to ourselves. And it really helps so much when we make some simple changes to how we view and talk to ourselves.
Hey Melody… too true. I am SO relieved to find I’m not the only one who is had on myself. I talk out loud actually (sometimes) and it usually goes like this: “oh Jayne… you’re such a tool” …
or “urrggh… why did you do that”…. “what were you thinking?”….
It certainly does nothing for attracting positivity does it?
Thankfully there are times (well the odd time) where I’ll say “way to go me”..:-)
I need to stay aware as you say and pat myself for being decent and doing the things I do well a little more often.
Thanks for the post. It was great to see you in action.
yeah, that nasty voice is hard to shut up. But not impossible. And once you start shifting it, it does get easier and easier. Then, when you slip a little, you notice it right away (because it feels so off) and you can laugh about it.
Thanks for your kind words!
Hi Melody great video, I can see that you really know your stuff! You’ve got a great presence and a voice that is lovely to listen too.
Self love is the central of personal growth and power. when I really learnt to love my self everything changed. I found that I had so much more love to Share. loving yourself and others takes flexibility and courage and doing the inner work is key, which makes your advice and exercise extremely Valuable.
Thank you so much for your kind words.
It’s so true. We tend to think that we have to love others first, but when we love ourselves, we have so much more love to give. And we can share that love without depleting ourselves. Many have said it, but too few are still practicing it.
Huge hugs to you,
I’m guilty of being hard on myself at times. It used to be much worse when I wouldn’t accept anything but perfection from myself. I’ve learned to let that perfectionism go though and I’ve come to accept myself much more. The more I’ve done that the more I’ve loved who I am. I know now that I can’t always be perfect so when I do something that doesn’t meet my expectations, I try and let it go. I think it helps that I get a lot of support from my wife. She really has a talent for putting things into perspective. So if something doesn’t turn out exactly the way I wanted she can reframe it into something more positive.
Ah yes, the old perfectionist beast. I’ve battled that one, too. 🙂
What helped me is to see things as stepping stones. When something doesn’t go the way I expected it to (wasn’t “perfect”), I realize that it’s probably taking me in a new direction for a reason. And it always works out. I just have to trust that it will, even if I can’t see the whole path in that moment.
Oh, and you manifested your wife, you know that right? Good for you. 🙂
I do believe that cat was licking it’s privates………now that’s self love……..just sayin’……
I know this will probably come as a shock to you, but I do love myself; in fact, I would marry myself if I could.
Seriously, there was a time back in high school that I was painfully shy and didn’t have a lot of confidence. I don’t think I ever had low self esteem, but there was many an attractive female I would have never asked out for fear of rejection.
Maybe it was maturity, 3 years of the Army, or just dumb luck but thankfully I got past that and got comfortable in my own skin which certainly made things much nicer and really cut down on the ‘what if’ scenarios.
That is my story for today and I’m sticking with it.
You’re so observant Bill. I hadn’t even considered that… *cough*sarcasm
You wouldn’t have been able to find and appreciate your confidence if you hadn’t seen what it was like to be shy and self-conscious. It all has it’s place.
And I’m not shocked AT ALL that you love yourself, Bill. 🙂 I think it’s beautiful. And the wedding would be spectacular. You may have to shave your legs after all, though. I mean, it’s your freaking wedding day, princess. Make the effort.
Melody, you are the Princess of Awesome pics to start your blog. Yes Awesome with a capital A.
I have the opposite problem where I probably love myself too much. Maybe you could write a follow up blog for people like me 😉
A post about people with the false belief that it’s possible to love yourself too much? Coming right up! LOL.
Thank you for your wonderful and kind words, Bryce. We must have a similar sense of humor. 🙂
Thank You Melody.
Love you first technique, Melody! We are so often our worst critics. We can be harsh on our judgment and condemning in our verdicts. But thinking about how we would respond to others, especially to a child is a wonderful technique and attitude to develop. What a change that would make in out self-dialogue and how we respond to our own imperfections!
Thanks for the insight, Melody!
Welcome to Deliberate Receiving. I’m so glad to see you here. 🙂
I’m really glad you found the technique helpful. It made a huge difference in my own life, that’s for sure.
Huge hugs to you,
How are you?
I have watched people in my office and in my friends circle, they use to watch movie comedy or movie songs or even they discuss about that enjoy it.
This shows by default they change their state, also they are not good readers or interested spiritual things or like related topics.Even sometimes i read your post they don’t bother about it.
Only i am looking for love and happiness, this make me to think i am not very practical.They are naturally finding the way to live happily and with love.
But for me i have to read books, blogs and off the track often.
your two points and Gerreck idea is fantastic to love myself.
How to find what i Love?
It’s actually not necessary to study this stuff in order to get the same effects. This is just ONE way to gain clarity and understanding and to feel better, but there are as many ways as there are people. And no way is better or worse than another. People will naturally gravitate towards things that make them feel better (note, in some cases better is nowhere near “good”. It depends on where you’re coming from). So, if watching silly movies distracts them from their problems, they are essentially doing the same thing that you’re doing when you read spiritual books and websites.
This doesn’t make your path any less valid. I’m the same way – I’m quite cerebral and I have this need to understand things. So my path includes lots of reading and analysis. Allow your colleagues to have their path and allow yourself to have yours. You are perfect just the way you are. Always. 🙂
Great post! Self Efficacy (how we see, talk to ourselves) plays a huge role in our health its true! Sadly, I think a lot of people overlook it and rely on more material needs to meet their happiness, which will end abruptly at some point. Thanks for helping us all out!
You’re so welcome Pete! Glad to be of service. LOL.
Love others as you love yourself! But, without self love, it is difficult if not possible to love others. We have to feel worthy before we can uplift another.
Welcome to Deliberate Receiving! Absolutely, when you love yourself, it becomes so much easier to love others. How we treat others is ALWAYS a reflection of how we feel about ourselves in one way or another. Want to be kinder to others? Be kinder to yourself.
Thanks for stopping by!
I grew up thinking being self criticizing and being criticized was the loving thing to do – it made you improve and be better. Then I found it overwhelming and I felt guilty because I learned that was not true after my children were starting school, maybe I was too late to build their self-esteem?. I found myself just telling the children out loud that I loved them – often. I practice hugging too.
I substituted asking a great many clarifying questions….even of myself. I try to see more possibilities for explanations and situations and play little games.
Dr. Christiane Northrup gave me a little exercise of looking in the mirror every time i go past and saying “Hello! Beautiful” It works….even on very bad hair days.
I think being in the moment and just taking a deep breath can help also.
I do wonder why we are so programmed to feel badly about ourselves…as you start out we are all there with negative self talk.
I still think I am having trouble raising my vibration levels…resistant.
One more day of stove installation – wow is it noisy
very much changed my week and possible my pocket book
Oh yes, that old fallacy: “I’m going to focus on what I think is wrong with you. But don’t worry, it’s for your own good…” LOL. I’m so glad that so many people are now figuring out that this approach is bogus.
I’ve heard you speak about your kids many times and I’m certain that you filled them with tons of self-esteem, Patricia. 🙂
Making people feel badly about themselves makes them powerless and much easier to control. So, there was a lot of incentive for those in power, who come from a place of great scarcity and fear to perpetuate that myth. And the vibration of years past wasn’t high enough to pull people out of it. It is now. So, even though the powers that be are still doing their best to inundate us with that message, it’s not working as well anymore. People have stopped listening…
You don’t have to try to raise your vibration, you just have to stop doing what you’re doing that’s keeping it down. Go get a massage. It’ll distract you and allow you to feel better. Or listen to music you love. Play with your dog. Distraction works wonders for your vibration. 🙂
Very good exercise, Melody. So many people need to feel love for themselves not only because they tend to not love themselves already, but other people are constantly telling them that they are no good.
This unfortunately will re-enforce the belief in them and it will make it even harder to love themselves. We actually all need such good reminder!
When other people tell you that you’re no good, it’s nothing more than a mirror of your own lack of self esteem. That’s the paradox. We think that if other people will just validate us, we’ll be able to feel better about ourselves. But that’s backwards. When we feel good about ourselves, other people validate us. It’s so simple and yet sometimes so hard to wrap our heads around.
It’s really all a matter of focus.
Huge hugs my dear,
Burning question: What is the rolled up red thing behind your head? In some videos there’s one, and in some videos there are two. PS You look great!
Minor points (hee hee): I’ve used the second technique for awhile now and it really works. I meditate, send heart energy to my daughters, then shift the heart energy to myself. I’m pretty much at the point where I can go straight to feeling the love for myself, without needing to tee it up first. Wow! Lovely sense of expansion and warmth.
Love the first suggestion and plan to put it in action right away. My current life plan is to do/say/think things that are healthy for a five-year-old, which mostly means playing and having a lot of fun. I’ll add talking to myself as a beloved five-year-old. Woohoo! BTW, love the cartoon idea, Derrek. Maybe I can watch cartoons in Spanish and learn a little while giggling.
Hugs to all,
PS Just noticed how many times I used the word love. Power of suggestion, Melody…
Hi Lady Awesome Sauce,
Funny you should mention watching in Spanish. It’s probably as good as watching in any language you understand. Cartoons have the ability to convey a message like a silent film while using dialogue to add humor.
Some of my favorite cartoons are the ‘silent’ ones. The classic (and I mean really, really classic) Pink Panther and Tom & Jerry are awesome. 🙂
OMG, I LOVE the Pink Panther. The music, the panther himself. And I actually liked the show more when he didn’t talk… Ah, the simple things in life. 🙂
Hey Mary Carol,
LOL. The rolled up red thingies are blankets. They are decoratively displayed (Red/Tan/Red). There used to be 4, but one fell out the window. Long story.
Thank you chica. Much appreciated. 🙂
I know the feeling exactly – I often try to get into a childlike mentality. Kids have the ability to live in the moment and play. And that’s really what we’re here to do. Play at everything. So, from one 5-year old to another (and Derrek, too!):
Huge hugs (and mucho love!)
Great image: LAS, Mellow-D, and SuperFred as five-year-olds, sitting on the floor (didn’t we always sit on the floor) watching cartoons! Hmmm… adding popcorn and chocolate… Perfect!
Have an awesome day, everybody!
Hugs and love, (waving goodbye, turning back to cartoon)
Oops! SuperDerrek, but Fredilicious can watch too.
Ahahaha! Way to pay attention LAS! That would be one hell of a good time! 😛
You know how my mind goes into the gutter every once in a while? It did that the moment I read “How To Love Yourself”. And then “How can you learn to love yourself, when you currently don’t and perhaps don’t even know what that feels like?”
I’m snickering like a 10-year old hearing someone say “cockpit” for the first time while describing the sections of an airplane. :p
To be honest, I’ve never had much trouble with self-esteem. Don’t mean to sound arrogant, but it’s true. I have problems with time-management, being focused, following a schedule, etc…but generally when it comes to self-esteem issues I guess I’m pretty okay. One way to boost your self-esteem is to watch a lot of cartoons. I’m not kidding. I’m 24 and I watch a boatload of cartoons a week, and I do it for fun. One thing I’ve realized is that when something is aimed towards children, it packs the most positive messages and ultimately tells you that you’re the king of the world. As you grow older and watch more adult-oriented programs, you relate to them by connecting real-life issues coupled with that cynical outlook on reality that most TV shows carry. It’s not wrong, but nothing comes close to watching a good cartoon.
If you’re feeling low and out of luck, watch a 30-minute cartoon. I mean really watch it. Don’t brush Spongebob off as a silly kid’s show. Really watch it, and listen, and don’t worry if you catch yourself laughing. I can almost guarantee that you won’t feel as low by the end of it.
For example in The Lion King, during a pivotal scene, the baboon Rafiki hits Simba on the head with a staff for no reason. When Simba yells “What was that for?!”, Rafiki answers by saying “It doesn’t matter. It was in the past!” If you live by that mentality, you’ll never beat yourself up over anything. You’ll just keep moving forward and onward. Good, lighthearted cartoons are a great way to reduce stress and it’s great entertainment since it won’t remind you about so-called “real-life” struggles.
Another way is to work on a great sense of humor. Notice that most funny people aren’t too harsh on themselves. They laugh things off. They’re sarcastic, cynical, and may sound bitter, but they complain with a smile on their face. You can’t beat that. Having a good sense of humor = being lighthearted = not bashing yourself up. Try it. 🙂
OMG! How did I miss that?! My mind is usually right there in the gutter next to you… Damn. I’m just too light and happy lately… 😀
I love the idea of watching cartoons, and I adore Sponge Bob. My little nephews exposed me to him (*snort) and I couldn’t believe how funny he was. I’ve watched the movie and everything! I wish more adult’s shows were light and happy and silly like that (but not stupid, NOT reality TV!). Go cartoons!
Ok, no arguments from me on the sense of humor thingy. I firmly believe that the more you can laugh and the less serious you take life, the happier you’ll be, the more successful you’ll be and the better you’ll feel about other people and yourself.
These are wonderful suggestions Derrek! Thanks so much for sharing them here.
Secret handshake followed by belly bumps,
Have no fear, Melody. Anytime your mind’s not in the gutter, I’ll be here to try and get it there anyway. *strike Superman pose*
If adults were silly like Spongebob the world would be 10x more awesome. Spongebob and Johnny Bravo are incredible. Nothing you do or say will ever be able to lower their self-esteem from where it is. They’re oblivious to negative statements. 😀 Especially Johnny Bravo.
This is a tough one for a lot of people, Melody. My wife recently took a leadership development class and one of the key things they talked about was the concept of “self-talk.” Most people have really terrible self-talk. This may explain why so many people aren’t happy with the external results of their life. It’s because their internal dialogue is so backwards. And I must be honest, it’s not something that comes naturally to me. I tend to be pretty tough on myself and demand a lot from myself. The ‘talk to someone you love’ bit was great for me! Thanks!
It really is amazing how nasty we can be to ourselves. We don’t know it until we start paying attention and I remember when I first started to notice my inner voice. I was so shocked at how mean I was! I would never have talked that way to anyone else, not even people I truly didn’t like. That’s when I started to use the “someone you adore” filter. It stopped the meanness in its tracks and I instantly become kinder and softer to myself. It made a HUGE difference very quickly.
That voice inside my head is my number one critic. He’s the one that needs the loving the most. Thank you for sharing this.
It’s really that way for most people, Jim. We are always our own worst critic.