It’s finally time for another Q& Video!
Today’s question comes from a mom, who wants to know: What can you do when your children simply do not listen to you? How do I react when my kids throw a tantrum, or fight or try to fight with me? How can I stay in a good feeling place? I know that I can’t really control others, but how can I create the reality I dream of when my kids are so resistant?
Watch the video to get my answer.
Everything that happens to you is a mirror of your own vibration.
So, it’s not nearly as much about THEM, as it is about you. If you had a negative reaction to something they said or did, then you have a belief that isn’t serving you. This is where your work starts.
Do not tie your emotional wellbeing to how anyone else feels or what they do. Not even your children’s.
They are displaying anger? They are having a reaction to a false thought they have about themselves or a situation. It does not mean that you’ve failed as a parent. Here’s some incentive to help you work on this: While there’s nothing you can do to ensure your children’s success, and that’s not your responsibility anyway, you CAN teach them to process their emotions and release any limiting beliefs they may have or are forming. But you cannot do that if you haven’t first cleaned up your own mess.
Example: Your child is angry at you. You try to talk to him about it, but the second you sense that he is angry with you, your own crap is triggered and you get all defensive, or you feel horrible guilt. Children tend to internalize everything anyway. If Mommy is sad, it’s almost certainly their fault. So, what do you think will happen, if they sense that they are causing you pain or distress? They will clam up and insist that they are fine. They will say almost anything to make you feel better. The whole thing will become about you and how hurt you are by their pain and them trying to make you feel better. Their own issue will be left in the dust.
If you want to help someone else, you have to first get into a higher vibrational place and then stay objective. Don’t allow yourself to get triggered by anything they say or do.
The way to do to that is issue by issue.
After every fight, incident or anything that made you feel negative emotions, go to a quiet place and ask yourself these questions:
- What was the actual trigger?
- What exactly did you feel?
- Why did what they said or did make you feel that way?
Then, shift your perspective and release the underlying belief.
Little by little, you’ll shift your own vibration. You’ll be able to stay much more objective when faced with your kids’ emotional reactions, and eventually, elicit a much more cooperative version of them.
Stop being a control freak
Generally speaking, people try to control their children because they are afraid for them. They think that if they don’t get them on the right path, they’ll grow up to be unsuccessful, unhappy degenerates who still live at home when they’re 40. You CANNOT ensure their success. Give that up. The good news is: You CANNOT ensure their failure, either.
Make sure that you’re able to justify the rules you have to your kids. If you can’t, chances are that you simply adopted this rule from your parents, instead of actually deciding to implement it at some point.
The kids coming in today and over the last 15 years, these Indigo kids, are much less willing to be trained out of their connection than previous generations. They have an innate sense of freedom and will rebel at any attempt to control them. But if you are able to explain your rules and decisions to them in a way that actually makes sense to them, you’ll get a lot less pushback.
If you find yourself fighting tooth and nail over something, make sure you’re not engaged in a power struggle. You’ll never win those, long term.
So, what do you actually do when your kid is throwing a tantrum?
Let’s look at an example:
- You have a son and a younger daughter. Your son has been acting out against his sister and you for some time. He’s throwing a tantrum now.
- Do not try to change or control his emotions or get him to shift perspective while he’s in a highly emotional state. You may need to curtail his expressions of that emotion (like hitting his sister), but don’t say things like “Don’t be angry”. He has a right to his emotions just like you do. Try to show him alternative ways to let his anger out, if necessary. Punching a pillow, running, or screaming in his room are all non-destructive ways to let anger out.
- Once he’s calmer, you can talk to him.
- Again, make sure that you’ve raised your own vibration first and don’t make this about you.
- Ask him why he was so angry. Make sure he knows that it’s ok that he was angry. You can validate his feelings further by saying something like “Why were you so angry with your sister? It’s ok if you were. Sometimes we get mad at people we love.”
- Let’s say that the underlying cause was that he’s jealous of his sister for being born and sucking up all the parental attention. If you have more than one child, this issue will occur. There’s nothing you can do to prevent it. Again, your child’s perspective often has little or nothing to do with your actual actions.
- You can ask your son “Do you believe that Daddy and I love your sister more than we love you?” Don’t take the answer personally.
- Assure your son that you love him and then ask what you could do to make him feel loved. Perhaps a regular outing with just him and you. Make sure he gives his input. You are coming up with the solution together.
If you work on your own issues and reactions and help your children process their own emotions, you’ll shift your vibration and little by little, completely change your relationship with your kids.
If you’d like to work with me 1-on-1 to help you shift your limiting beliefs faster, check out my LOA Life Coaching.
Was this video helpful to you? Would you like to see more blogs or Vlogs about parenting issues? How do you deal with your children’s temper tantrums? Let me know in the comments!
My friend moved back home after being evicted. He’s in his 40s’ and it was that or be homeless.
His new job doesn’t pay enough to be able to afford a place to live for him and his daughter.
I had to move away from him for multiple reasons. One being he was always immature despite being double my age; and the other is that after moving back home he was so deflated he reverted back into a 16yr old kid (just like another article describes and I agree)
It speared his ego, killed his love-life and now he’s a 40yr old man that has tantrums. I just have to hang up the phone many times as his rationale was so backwards.
Once someone is forced to move back home and get into the grips of family triggering ALL your resistance… how much hope do they have to reach for something better?
I kinda think being homeless would have been better for him…
Whatever his journey is, it will ultimately lead him to where he wants to go, because that’s always calling him. He may have to get to the point where he breaks – where he just has no choice but to give up. Sure, homelessness may have actually facilitated that faster, but that’s not for us to decide. How much chance does he have? He has every chance. All he need is a breakthrough and those can come at any time. But pain and suffering are powerful catalysts to such breakthroughs. He may well call you one day and be a much different person. Don’t let him hold you back, though. Getting away from him is best for your own healing. But don’t give up on him He’ll find his way eventually.
It’s my experience with my child that if I remain calm, eventually she calms down and then becomes open to reason. Just my experience.
Welcome to Deliberate Receiving! And thanks so much for this input. It makes perfect sense – our energy/demeanor/emotional state will rub off on your kids. That’s why when you’re afraid or worried, they can sense it and they act out. When you’re angry, it makes them feel more powerless, which causes them to act out even more. But if you’re calm and know that everything is ok, they can find their own balance much faster.
Huge hugs to you,
You’re right on target that respect is the key element of parenting. Children are height-challenged soon-to-be adults, not extensions, and certainly not stupid or lacking in wisdom.
We had a rule that worked particularly well when shopping. ‘No’ meant no and not going to change, ‘yes’ meant go ahead, and ‘maybe’ meant I’m thinking about it, you’ll probably get it, but if you whine or ask me again it’ll be an immediate firm no. The key is to actually think about what they’re asking for, and give a reason if the answer ultimately is no.
Just as with any adult, respect is reciprocal. The more you give, the more you get. I was lucky to learn this teaching high school before I had kids. Whew! We still had plenty of problems, but we got through them. My kids are now 32 and 35 and fabulous!
Hugs to all and especially parents!
Ha ha ha, Mary Carol. I love that. Height challenged soon to be adults. Perfect.
I find it particularly important to acknowledge that they have their own sense of guidance, their own intuition and are generally much better at listening to it than we are.
When you make these comments, it makes me wish you’d been my teacher back in high school. I bet you were just fabulous. 🙂
So many folks can not communicate to connect…listening skills are so awful these days…a habitual phrase does not do it….or a sound bite….
…and bravo for stating clearly one needs to know themselves first and see what is going on inside before one drives it home to the kids…
The mall just creeps me out these days, with what people say to their children or the ignoring….if you think you are stressed your kids are 50% more stressed
Thanks for this great sharing
I think listening to kids and respecting them as people is all important. They are not lesser and their opinions are not irrelevant. Parents that respect their kids often have a much easier time and much less rebellion than those who treat them like little idiot versions of humans. 🙂
The mall is difficult for me for many reasons. I have a harder time holding my energy there than almost anywhere, and generally end up exhausted and if I stay too long, grouchy. So, when I have to go to the mall (which I never do in Spain, only when I’m visiting the US), I dip in, grab what I need and get out. I also tend not to be very aware of most of the people around me (except for the happy shiny ones, of which there are surprisingly few at the mall. You’d think people would be happy while shopping, but…) What I love about malls now is that you can get pedicures while you’re there, which makes for a nice break.
Thanks for leaving your insights. I always think of you when I post something about parenting because I know you have such a wonderful perspective on how to deal with kids.
Hi Melody, thanks for this sensitive video-considerations!
To me the relationship between parents and their children is a very sensitive and vulnerable subject, and I´d like to give my general insight on this relationship here. It may appear sort of absurd and inappropriate to many, but this is what I´ve come to understand:
What really reaches your child is the truth of the relationship you have to offer (if you have to offer one anyhow).
Do you really care? Do you really want to know, want to get to know your child (who can appear a stranger to you as a person)?
(To answer this with no, doesn´t make you a bad person, but you have to be totally honest).
Are you capable to have an intimate relationship? Do you want that relationship, are you willing to do the work it takes to built it up? It´s the relationship itself, what your child needs the most, not certain approaches to handle behaviours etc.
Does it make you happy*?
Your child will receive the answers to these questions anyhow and it will have impact on her/him.
(*In my opinion it has to make you happy to have intimate relationships to your children, otherwise there is something wrong. I believe that other people should be able to impact our happiness, but I also can sense what you mean).
So everything comes down to what kind of relationship you have to yourself, to what kind of love you are capable of.
The form of education is secondary, though it impacts social skills and adjustability etc.
Children can certainly sense and be impacted by the attitude that parents take toward the entire relationship. I completely agree. Quality of time spent with kids always trumps quantity (which is why parents shouldn’t feel guilty about taking some time for themselves. If it makes them happier and calmer when they’re dealing with their children, the kids will benefit greatly). And it always, ALWAYS comes down to how we view ourselves. Kids will force us to take a look at ourselves in ways that no one else can. If we want them to respond differently to us, we have to respond differently first. But in my experience, the parents today are up to the challenge. They see how much their kids are changing them and don’t fight the process nearly as much as past generations did. 🙂
Awesome job here and I have bookmarked this for when I am a father and have children driving me nuts (and happy).
Glad to be back.
Ha, ha, Bryce. Glad to see you pack. Thanks for the kind words.
Hey Melody (and Question Man),
I love Melody’s response. If every parent took this advice, we wouldn’t have crazy people running around everywhere. The days of suppressing kids and responding to their behavior with anger and a menacing voice are long gone. Kids have smartened-up to the act, and they don’t need their parents to teach them things anymore. The world is smaller, and very accessible. So get in touch with YOUR inner kid and resonate with them, while teaching them how to vent-out the proper way. That’s the only way to do it.
If all else fails, put on a Batman suit and scare them stiff. Kids always listen to Batman. I know I would. And I’m 24.
Ha, ha Derrek. We’d still have crazy people, trust me. We’d always have those that teach us that we cannot control everything and everyone, those who see things differently (what is crazy really, but a very different perspective?) Those who shake up our view of reality a bit. Crazy people are really valuable. 🙂
I love talking to parents. They get this stuff on so many levels. Parents today (for the most part) are very different. And they never had to decide to be. They just are. I know that I draw very special people in my reality so this view is probably skewed but I don’t know a single parent that uses the old dictator style of raising their kids.
I’m not sure I’d listen to Batman. I think I’d have to meet him first. Send him on over would you? Tell him to bring extra gadgets. *wink*
Hmm. Something tells me you have a Catwoman suit hidden in your closet. Which leads me to believe one of two things. You either have the hots for black spandex, in which case Batman would gladly accept your invitation to (literally) drop by…like from your roof or something…OR you ARE Catwoman. In which case, you’re trying to lure Batman into a trap!! Holy kittycats, Batman!
I have a rooftop apartment, so Batman will have a very easy time dropping by. As to whether I am secretly Catwoman… well, I love puppies and make fun of cats on a regular basis. Erm… Also, have you ever actually tried to get into a spandex suit? It’s not sexy. It’s a bit like stuffing a sleeping bag into that ridiculously small bag it came it. I mean… so I would assume. Ahem.
I have to go now.
Just plain excellent, Melody. I worked with kids and parents for 20 years – and couldn’t have said it better myself! Your brilliance shining through! 🙂
Thank you so much Chris! What a wonderful compliment. *blush* It’s the Universe’s brilliance, though. I just access it (like anyone can). 🙂
I love your blog; the pictures you select and the captions are consistently laugh-out-loud funny. I honestly don’t think anyone on the internet has better illustrations for their blogs. They are as good as the cartoons in the New Yorker. Wish you the best for 2012.
Thanks Riley! I’m glad you like the pics. I started posting them mostly for myself (I love funny pics), but people have really responded to them. Nothing like a chuckle to raise your vibration a bit. 🙂
Right back atcha! May 2012 be awesome for everyone.
This is wonderful! I see a whole E-Book in a video format for parents! I’m always amazed at how you (or ANYONE) can have such a grasp of these life topics, all from the perspective of the LOA!
Well done! And think about this book! 🙂
LOL Lori. I’ll add it to the list. “Deliberate Parent” Ha, ha.
Trust me, I’m amazed at how well parents respond to these messages. I always go and ask a bunch of parents first, to make sure my advice has merit. But of course, energetic principles work across the board. That’s why I love this stuff. It just always makes sense!