Awesome Dudette asks: “Our family friend, Lori, has had a difficult life in many ways (tough divorce, now a single mom, trouble finding nice men). In other ways she is very, very blessed, but she doesn’t see it.
She is one of the most negative people I know. Over the years I have watched her become more and more bitter and resentful over pretty much everything in her life. She seems angry and just so pessimistic. She sees only the bad and seems blind to all the good around her. As a result her mental and physical health has deteriorated. She believes that her issues are genetic and that “she’s falling apart because she’s old” (she’s only 45!), and that she has to be on medication for the rest of her life.
We want to help her so, so badly! We’ve sent her your articles, and Law of Attraction books like The Secret, etc. She has never shown any interest whatsoever. Lately she seems to resent us more because we seem “too happy” to her.
Do you have any tips or ideas for us to help her?”
Well, Awesome Dudette, believe it or not, this is a common problem. When we find some of the answers we’ve been looking for and we finally experience these good emotions, we want to shout it from the rooftops and heal everyone. We essentially become the equivalent of LOA touting Jehovah’s Witnesses or Law of Attraction missionaries (or possibly well meaning drug pushers). This is normal. When you find something great you want to share it with everyone. Especially when they’re unhappy or sick and you know that if they only gave this stuff a try, they’d be just as happy as you now are.
She can’t hear you
The problem is that when someone like your friend is vibrating in a low, unhappy, sickly place (like a 3 on a scale of 1-100) and you’re bouncing around on a happy, shiny 85, SHE. CAN’T. HEAR. YOU. Your Level-85 words are on a frequency that her Level-3 ears can’t hear. It’s like you’re speaking Japanese to an Italian dude. You can talk all you want and you can scream louder and louder, it won’t help. He’s not going to understand a word you say. And neither is your friend.
No matter how well meaning you are, pushing articles and books and conversations of how she needs to raise her vibration on her, will only piss her off. It’s not interesting to her because she doesn’t hear the same thing that you do when you listen to this stuff. She isn’t having the same epiphanies and insights as you. The information doesn’t resonate with her.
But that’s ok.
Happiness is not a destination
You have found clarity and happiness and you found it in a way that worked for you. The problem is that you think happiness is like a destination – one that you can now help others to find. But it’s not. Happiness is relational, like all emotions. This is where it can get a little bit complicated, so let me explain:
If you’ve read the post Life After Death, Or How Life Is Like A Video Game (and if you haven’t, I strongly suggest that you do), you’ll remember that there’s you (the little, human you, the avatar) and then there’s the BIG YOU (your inner being, who you really are, your soul, the brain in the jar). All of the experiences you have in the physical realm cause the BIG YOU to keep rising in vibration. So, the vibration of the BIG YOU is never fixed, but always changing. Your emotions tell you how far away the little you is from the vibration of the BIG YOU.
The closer the little you is to the BIG YOU, the better you’ll feel. In other words, the closer you are to your desires, to being Who You Really Are, to what YOU want (not society or your friends or anyone else), the happier you are. You will find your happiness when you meet up with the vibration of the BIG YOU.
So, getting back to your friend Lori, let’s say that BIG LORI is currently in Australia and little lori is trying to make her way there. She’s 100.000 miles away from Australia, which is large distance, so she’s feeling anger and resentment. She’s nowhere near where she wants to be, so she’s feeling bad.
The BIG YOU is in Paris and the little you is visiting the Eiffel Tower, so you’re feeling great. You’re in Paris, and there’s no distance between the BIG YOU and the little you. Happiness abounds. When you try to get your friend to join you, it doesn’t go well. This is because she’s not trying to go to Paris and even if you get her to come there, she’s still not going to be anywhere near Australia, so she’s still not going to feel even close to happy. In fact, the more you keep trying to drag her to Paris, the more pissed off she’s going to get. Not only do you assume that you know how to get to where she wants to go better than she does, but you think that your destination and hers are the same. They never, ever are. We each get our own destination and that destination is always changing (that’s what keeps this game interesting). So, even if and when we do find it, we’ll never get bored. There will always be a new adventure.
So…you’re saying I can’t help her?
Nope, I’m not saying that. I’m just explaining why what you’ve been doing so far hasn’t worked. Using Geography. Because I care about your education. You’re welcome.
You can help your friend, but not in the way you’ve been trying to do it. Basically, the only thing you can do is to take a big spotlight and shine it on Australia so that it’s easier to see. And then you have to allow your friend to make her way there. You have to be patient. You can’t give her a lift. You can’t drag her across the sea. You can’t go to Australia yourself and make her a map (because then you’d be really far away from the BIG YOU and you’d be unhappy).
So, what does that mean in real life terms?
Stop sending your friend articles and books. You’ve done that now and if she begins to resonate with them, she’ll start to read them. They’ll be there for her if she wants them.
Stop trying to cheer her up or trying to get her to be happy. That will just annoy her (as you’ve noticed).
Focus on how you feel. Make sure that you don’t let her unhappiness affect your happiness. If it does, you have another opportunity to clean up your own vibration. Why do you need her to feel a certain way so that you can feel better? Eh? That’s right. I went there.
Focus your attention on the energy of who she really is. That means:
- See her as happy. Her inner being is happy. If you see her unhappiness, you’ll add energy to that. But if you focus on her happiness, you’ll add energy to that vibration. You’re shining a spotlight on Australia.
- See her as capable. She will make her journey in her own time. She’s just as powerful as you are, even if she’s hurting right now. She does not need saving. She does not need your help. Don’t be condescending, even if it comes from a really good place.
- See her as already having completed her journey. See her at the finish line. She’s not only happy, she feels really good about herself. She’s healthy and beautiful, confident and self-assured.
- See her for who she REALLY is. Focus on the beautiful light that’s shining from within her.
- Listen to your intuition. This will be hard because you care so much about her. When in doubt, back off. If someone is meant to say something to her that will help her have a breakthrough, the Universe will make sure that it happens. You don’t need to help. The Universe is doing just fine without you.
I get that what I’m asking you to do is not going to be easy. You care deeply about your friend and you want to help her. But here’s the thing:
“You don’t get to pick who you can help.”
People have to be a vibrational match to you before they can hear you. If they aren’t, you can’t help them. If your friend is still in your life, that means that she’s still a close enough match to be in your vicinity (unless you’ve been forcibly keeping her in your life while she’s been trying to get away from you, which would cause her to have an enhanced negative reaction to you). If you’ve set the intention to help people, then the Universe will bring you people that will be helped by you, just by you being who you are. The skills you’ve gathered in your life, the vibration you’ve achieved, the connection you have, these things will come together and you’ll intuitively say or do just the right thing at the right time. You may not even realize how much you’ve helped someone, in fact, you generally won’t. Because it will seem normal and natural to you, but the person you affected may have just had a powerful shift. They were close enough to you to hear you, and were affected positively by you.
You can’t force someone to change their vibration so that they’ll be a close enough match to you for you to help them. Let the Law of Attraction bring you together with the perfect people, and trust that your friend will be brought together with those who can help her. Keep giving energy to the highest possible version of her, and it will make it easier for her to find her way when she’s ready (not before, and you don’t get to determine the timeline). And above all, know that even though right now she’s in pain, this is part of HER journey not yours. You can’t live her life for her or anyone else.
I actually covered several really complex topics today, so if you’d like to read up a little more on some of them, you may find the following posts interesting:
Helping those who don’t want to be helped (Why pushing your help on others is a bad idea. Including a personal example.)
Why Having Empathy is the Last Way to Help Someone (Why feeling bad for your friend doesn’t help, but actually hurts you and possibly her)
How to Inspire Someone (Want to REALLY Help her? This is how)
Can Other People’s Vibrations Affect You? (This will explain why your friend is getting so pissy about your happiness. This article is also available as a video here.)
Vibrational Discord Explained (Technical-ish explanation behind the concept of your emotions being related to the distance between the BIG YOU and the little you. With graphics, for your enjoyment.)
Have you had experiences with trying to help someone who was in a completely different vibrational place than you were? How did it go? Did they eventually come around?
I’ve been asking this question to myself: now that I have a higher frequency, the man I’m in love with and my family seem to have been a mismatch to me. But the thing is, I’d like them to find a happier way to life. I have decided to let them go in the end, but sometimes when my frequency goes back down, they seem to “catch” on me and drag me back to this uncomfortable place again. I love them so much, and yet LOA can’t make you change people? Well Abe said that if you’re in the vortex, you can make people join you there by sending them your vibration (I’d say “by shining on them”). But i think my vibration isn’t that high for me to bring them in the vortex so that we can all meet there. Thank you Melody, your explanations are as lovely as your name. So glad to have found your site!
You’re so welcome Lily (that’s a lovely name, too!).
If you can’t hold your vibration around them, then don’t try to uplift them yet. You need to stabilize first and it’s easiest to do that while you’re away from them. But, you can send them love and shine on them from afar. It has just as much impact (trust me on this. I do it frequently). Try it and see what happens. 🙂
Yes, it did. 🙂
Oh well, as a new reader I got a little bit excited and wanted to share everything that came across my head…
No worries H! I know there’s a lot to go through. Trust me, I don’t even remember everything I’ve written… 😛
If you don’t mind, I would like to give you an ideia for a post.
How to cope with neediness during break-ups/events that makes us sad? There are lots of topics to explore: the need for a friend and compation, and sometimes, during troubled times, seems like we may “atract” more abandonement and ressentment.
I’ve had a sensation of abandonment during a recovery from a break up. Sometimes it may be quite hurtful when people discart us because of our “bad vibe messing up with theirs”. Even if we don’t use our pain as a tool for emotional blackmail for attention.
I have to say I think I can guess some of the topics that you might consider in explaining and helping trough this fase. 🙂
Patiente and being able to let go, because the help we really need comes from first identify the pain and its root causes. To be responsible for what we feel. Also, the fact that someone isn’t confortable/able to give (I mean give when they can, of course, not when we “weally weally” need right there in that right way), causes us pain, because we feel we are not worth it, where we went wrong, were we to clingy, a downer? In fact we are worth of companionship. The best friendships are the ones that contribute to our own empowerment. If there is a moment of “void”, it means the same will be fullfilled in time if we live in the moment (like the catterpillar finding that there is nothing wrong with its cocoon and the becoming a butterfly, after finding the necessary tools). That’s hard, but it’s nice to think about it and feels like we can accomplish everything.
But all we need is a little patience (like Axl Rose says). I think that’s the hard part, but manageable.
I’ve actually already written about getting over a breakup. You can read that post here:
Did that cover it?
I’ve been thinking that the frequencies are a bit more than black and white, positive or negative. For example for me personally I know I am more in a negative frequency in general. The thing is I’m not at all like Lori. I’ve sent flare guns up, distress calls and made heroic attempts to help myself. I’m open with my arms wide and shouting on a hill. I’m grateful for any help from people and encourage it. I find it frustrating that help seems to go to the people not wanting help. Those standing there with a flag going “hey I really need a friend, support, a hand, an answer…” being completely ignored! I read LOA, self-help and try alternative medicine to help get better as it’s mostly a physical problem wrecking work, finances, causing anxiety, creating isolating with more time indoors… just a domino effect of negative leaving me clueless where to start.The longer I’ve been in this situation the worse it gets and the harder it is to find a solution. So I’m at a point where I’m making fireworks and putting away my shame to say yes I admit I’m in way over my head and want help. But no-one comes, no answer comes…
Please you positive people out there don’t give up on that soul without a paddle that DOES want the help.
Ironically I’m an optimist. I do come across as positive but my situation/life is negative.
It would be pretty cool to know what my “number” was like a sign on the head. I’d stick close by those higher numbers and take notes!
The answer does come. It is always coming in a thousand different ways. But you have to allow yourself to hear it. This blog is an answer. You found it. You recognized it. You’re doing your best to listen.
No one can reach into your energy and just make you feel better. All we can do is to shine our light on you and hope that you’re willing to see it. And you are starting to. You are not nearly as lost as you think you are.
We will never give up on you. We will always be here. The answers will NEVER stop coming. The hand is always outstretched. You just have to see it and have the courage to take it. And that is much easier said than done. But you are doing it. You’re doing so much better than you think you are.
Huge ginormous hugs and love and light,
Wow thanks for that great advice, that was exactly what I’ve been looking for. Very very helpful! BIG THANKS 🙂
You’re so welcome Pia.
I agree. Trying to cheer someone up who is feeling that low can be really really difficult. I had a friend a few years ago like that. His life was a mess. He hated his job, the city he lived in and just about everything else going on in his life. No matter how hard I tried to cheer him up, it just seemed to make him feel worse. I even went to his place and cleaned it up so he would at least have a nice place to live in. It was a step in the right direction, but not enough. Eventually I just listened to him and I was patient and tried to make him realize that his life wasn’t that bad. I even steered him into some good jobs in another city. Now he’s moved away and has a great job. It just takes time for some people to get their lives on track.
You’re so right. It takes time. And we don’t get to determine someone else’s timeline, just as no one gets to determine ours. When we let go of that responsibility, it gets a lot easier to be around those who aren’t as happy as we are. 🙂
i LOVE the things you write !
it instantly perks me up and makes me realize that just cuz things dont go a ‘certain’ way dosen mean theyre not going on just the same. i mean, my last statement isnt connected to your this one particular post, but a general observation.
esp like this line in your post ‘Why do you need her to feel a certain way so that you can feel better? Eh? ‘
i mean, its so simple isnt it?! how come i never saw this before. i mustve read stuff liek this before, but i never ‘got’ what it meant. once u take the pressure off to ‘fix’ someone, or something , or even yourself, its suddenly such a …relief ! relief is a lovely feeling , really 🙂
Thank you so much for your lovely words. I’m so glad that this site brings you some clarity.
Isn’t it wonderful when we realize that we’re not responsible for the world? In fact, we’re not responsible for anyone but ourselves. We can’t be. If we try to be, it’s a losing battle. People confuse a desire to help others with HAVING TO help others. It’s not the same thing. One feels good and free and like a co-creation, and the other feels like obligation. Ick. 🙂
Thanks so much for connecting here!
Great advice, Melody, you’re one hell of a smart woman!
To Awesome Dudette, i’d think that your friend might feel bothered by your attempts as much as you by her “negativity.” Each person is completely right with their perception of the universe and their own lives and, i imagine your friend is rejecting your well–intentioned attempts to help her because these deny or question her reality. It’s about as useful as a discussion between a scientist and a creationist since both live in completely different realities. I agree with Melody, better help those who actually want your help and let go of the others.
Eloquently stated! (I’m trying to sound extra smart now…)
I love this perspective – everyone is right from their own point of view. We can’t really ever assert ourselves into anyone else’s reality. Not only does that defy law, it also just pisses people off.
Thanks for adding your valuable insights here. And for the compliment. *blush*
As I see it, it’s all about freedom. In this case, it’s freedom from fear. A very negative person, is actually a person full of fear. Let’s say fear of life. As with any sort of freedom, you can’t force it. If you force freedom, it’s no freedom at all. A negative person, has to come to her own opinion that freedom is better that slavery. It has to be a free step she takes. No pushing, no preaching, no converting, no insisting, no giving books. All that makes the opposite effect because it’s like forcing a change which has to happen in complete freedom. It’s a step towards freedom. It has to be free.
That’s a great point. In order for free will to really exist, all choices have to be valid. And so, if we are trying to push or pull people into whatever choice WE deem to be best, are we taking away their free will a little bit? I think we are. That’s why it goes so badly when we do that. When we flow with the energy and help those that are brought to us because we’re a match to each other, then we become a cooperate component in the path that this person has chosen of their own accord. Beautiful.
Thanks so much for your valuable contribution!
Save your self!
LOL Philip. Indeed. 🙂
This post means a lot to me. I have been trying to help my father move away from negative thinking since he had to sell his house because of the economy. I finally realized just a few days ago that he had to decide to change. I would still try to help him but not try to change him. So reading this really hit home.
You’re so welcome. I’m so glad this post came out at a good time for you (everything always happens at the perfect time. Yay!). Your dad will be fine. He’s an adult who’s made it this far without you saving him, LOL. But you can subtly influence him by making sure that whatever he does, says or decides to do, you stay happy. Your energy has more power to influence than your words do. Remembering this will make it easier. 🙂
This is so helpful, Melody! I think there are so many of us who want to help our friends and loved ones so badly because we know there is a “better” way.
For me, it takes reminding myself that it’s incredibly self-absorbed to assume that the way I have chosen to live my life is better (for them).
In the end, all each of us can be is a mirror to one another. I use this analogy in my book when I say that no one can reveal another’s genius to her. We can only reflect it back to her.
So so true! I love that. And it gives a whole different meaning to “You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink”. You can mirror people’s genius (or crap) back to them, but you can’t make them see it.
I used to play self-development evangelist trying to save everyone until a coach pointed it out to me. I had to laugh at myself. Since then I’ve taken the view that, if someone needs the information from me, I’m happy to offer it and somehow they’ll ask for it. I’m not tied to the outcome. It doesn’t matter to me whether or not they do anything with the information. I’m busy enough running my own life. I don’t have the time or energy to manage anyone else’s. From the bottom of my heart, I want to help, support and transform the lives of others but the real job is up to each individual. All I can do is provide the information and support. It’s up to them to do something with it. Some people just have issues that we’ll never understand and it’s not our job to understand.
The whole geographic example was so perfect for me. I used to see it that we’re all heading for the same place although that never felt quite right. Once again, you’ve cleared some LOA muddy waters for me. Forever grateful again!!
It’s awesome that you had a coach who was able to show you what you were doing. And more awesome, that you heard it. You attracted exactly the person you needed, so that you could gain the clarity that you were ready for. And if someone else had come along a couple of months earlier and said the same thing to you, you wouldn’t have heard it.
I’ve seen this with coaching clients a lot. I can often “see” the issue that people are having and when I see it, I’ll point it out, unless I get the clear impetus not to. They are there to be helped and I don’t see things until they’re really close to coming out. But just because they’re close, doesn’t mean they’re THERE. So, I might tell them exactly what the root belief is, but it won’t resonate. “That’s not it”, they’ll say. Ok. We keep talking. After an hour, they’ll have an epiphany and guess which belief they just discovered. Noticing this change in receptiveness in the space of one hour really brought it home to me: it had nothing to do with me either way. They heard what they were ready to hear when they were ready to hear it. Period.
Thanks again for your kind words.
I really appreciate your heartfelt response Melody.
The bottom line is that the other party should find a happy place. Doing it in a way that neither person suffers is the best way. I am not that strong as to keep my vibration high in negative situations. That’s why I just love the way you say, we should focus on the solution. I believe somehow things do work out. They always do.
You’re so welcome sweetie! 🙂
This is such a powerful statement you have made Melody. “People have to be a vibrational match to you before they can hear you”.
No wonder it feels like am literally hitting a brick wall every time I try to up lift a sad friend’s mood. It feels like so much work. Now I understand why…
Your suggestion to this challenge is so thoughtful. I can’t wait to implement it. You say that we “see her for who she REALLY is.” Not try and change her way of thinking which has never worked.
I am also wary of very sad and even angry people because it takes me so much energy to be around them. I am glad to see that I can send them love from a very very far distance 🙂
Absolutely, you can send people energy from a distance. In fact, it’s much more beneficial to send high vibes from a distance, than to go near them and get dragged down. This is also what we can do for war zones and poverty stricken areas. If we can’t go there and keep our vibration high, but still want to help, we can do much more good by focusing on the solution from afar than focusing on the problem up close. Yep, I get that a lot of people will disagree with that, because isn’t it better to hand someone a bowl of rice than to meditate from afar? And the answer is: If going over there to hand someone rice will destroy you, then no, it’s not better. You’re adding to the problem and are therefore perpetuating it. Trust that there are those who can hold their vibration while physically there. If you focus on the solution, your intuition will prompt you to help in ways that will truly help them and not hurt you in the process.
It always comes down to our ability and willingness to focus on the solution, on everyone’s higher selves or source. When we do that, the action that follows (if any) will be perfectly aligned with that vision.
I know that was way more than you asked for, he, he.
It’s sad when a person refuses the help that is given to them. Yet, if she can pull herself out of the pit, she’s more likely to stay out. All anyone can do for someone like ‘Lori’ is be an example of how life could be for her if she’d open up to the possibilities.
I actually don’t think it’s sad. I try to keep in mind that if they refuse my help, then my help wasn’t the help they needed. Just because I think it is, doesn’t make it it right for them. That’s the point – I don’t get to determine what help they need. We only ever see their situation from our perspective, so we offer the help that we would want or need in their place. But from their perspective, that may not be the help they need at all. That’s a tough one to accept for people who have strong intentions to help others.
Being an example is truly the best thing we can do for others.
After reading your reply, I have to agree with you. I think I was thinking too much like a mom.
Melody, this has to be (in my mind) your best run at this topic that is so pervasive and deep reaching it possibly eclipses money!
I’ve always seen it as trying to help them feel better, to rise up the ladder, but that just didn’t ring true for me. Seeing them as Source would see them, on their own journey, seeing the best version of them, that so makes sense, thanks!
I’m so glad this resonated with you and thank you so much for your kind words!
Heya adorable Melody,
What an adorable post. It’s so adorable how you cover so many topics at the same time in an absolutely adorable fashion. It’s so adorably easy to absorb.
…. how many brownie points did I get? Tell me, tell me! :p
Anyway, I have a question based on the post and it’s one that I keep getting the answer to but it keeps popping up. You say the farther away we are from what we want makes us widen the distance from the BIG us. But at the same time, if we keep wanting something, we’ll never really be that happy…which still keeps us farther away. So should we try to get what we want first so that we can be happy, or do we just be happy right now so that we can get what we want?
It’s like I know the answer to this one and you’ve answered it a bazillion times but I can’t seem to know for sure. Do we aim for what we want and be happy or be happy no matter what and work our way towards the things we want?
I’m sure an adorable answer will come from you. Adorable.
On million brownie points for you, Derrek. 😀
You’re right. You know the answer to this. Say it with me: Get happy and then you’ll get what you want.
The fact that the goal posts keep moving doesn’t mean that you can’t ever be truly happy. It just means that there’s never a limit to how happy you can be. Because, let’s face it, if you get happy about your life today, that same life will be boring to you tomorrow. You’ll acclimate. So, you’ll look for new reasons to be happy. It’s like that. It doesn’t have to be the same as running on a never ending treadmill. When you go after stuff so that you can be happy when you get it, it’ll feel like the treadmill. But when you get happy now, and then keep finding new and better stuff to get ever happier about, it just feels like life is getting better and better.
This was a great post and something that all LOA enthusiasts could learn a lot from. It is so natural for us to try and spread the word when we have found something that has worked for us. Your geography analogy really illustrated well the point you were trying to make. You are so right, they just cannot hear it, they are not registering anything even close to what you are trying to tell them. I know when I am having a bad day when junky programming and ego overpower me and my boyfriend brings up this stuff how annoyed I get and I fully believe these things and practice them, so I can only imagine the negativity that someone who does not even have any knowledge of these concepts or subscribe to these types of beliefs would respond. I think you gave great advice and I will definitely keep these things in mind when discussing this stuff with others.
You’re so right. No matter how much we know about this stuff, when we’re in a funk ourselves, we don’t have the perspective that we have when we’re feeling good. I like to compare it to climbing a mountain. When you’re in the valley, you can’t see the same view as when you’re on the mountain top. And it doesn’t really help when someone on the mountain calls you and tells you how great the view is. You can’t see it until you get back up there yourself. 🙂
I am reading your blog after a long time.
Don’t know but some of my vibrations must have matched this time.
I got answer to my question also in this article.
I feel joy in knowing the science behind the spirituality.
I often read the other spiritual articles also.
Yesterday i was trying to explain my mom the importance of medetation and how the negative emotions get away from our mind automatically , but it didn’t work.
She did not get it.
Now i got the answer from your blog.
Thanks and regards.
Great to hear from you again. That’s what this site is here for – to provide answers to you whenever you need them, and, in the spirit of this post, I don’t try to control when you might need what information. It’s all here for you and you’ll always find what you need (from here or anywhere else) in perfect timing. Still makes me happy to hear that the post was useful, though. 🙂
Hi Melody!, you’re absolutely right, she must find her own way, there’s very little one can do even if their motives are admirable. I do on occasion remind them who they really are, that they are “Divine” beings, with unlimited potential and beauty, in hopes that it will eventually resonate within. Prayer helps too, Iv’e changed “courses” myself during critical periods of my life with the power of divine prayer, I will send some her way. As always, love your Inspirations, more, more more…
You make a powerful point – when we pray for someone, we can send a lot of energy towards who they really are. The key is to pray for them in a sense of seeing them as divine beings, as you mentioned, and not in a “Dear God, please save this person from their retched state” kind of way. The first way gives energy to who they really are (shines a light on Australia), the second gives energy to where the little them is and actually helps to keep them stuck where they are. There’s a lot of power in prayer. Thank you so much for adding your incredible energy to BIG LORI. 🙂
This may not be a politically correct response, but I think of unhappy people as skittish puppies. The best thing to do with a puppy is just sit there with your hands relaxed and wait for them to come to you.
If somebody doesn’t match with me, I ignore them. Sometimes they come around, sometimes not. I made a decision years ago to only spend time with people who build me up, who see the best in me. And guess what – I have amazing friends!
Melody, you do a great job of lifting up everyone around you, just by being your shiny self! Thank you! Many happy, licking-my-hand puppy hugs!
Forgot to say that I love the photo! Kitties and potatoes just go together, don’t they! MC
Hey Mary Carol,
Whatever metaphor words for you, and brings you peace is just fine by me. 🙂
And I like this metaphor. Not all puppies will come to you. But if you just allow them to go where they please, some of them will wander over and then you’ll have a great experience with the ones that do.
Thank you so much, my dear. I try to practice what I preach… 🙂
Oh, and the potato picture was primarily for me. I saw it, thought of the caption and couldn’t stop laughing. Sometimes, I just do these things to amuse myself. If other people get a giggle out of it, it’s a bonus. 🙂
I have to help myself first!! and pay myself first! Very hard lessons for me…but I do not try to control others…as a matter of fact my antennae are extremely sensitive to those who want to control – I run
One time when I was really down and out and vibrationally barely moving, my optimist friend paid for childcare and brought a picnic lunch and we went for a walk. After lunch she gave me a foot massage….and listened to my whole list of worries one more time…then she said – “You are just where you are supposed to be doing the work that you are supposed to be doing, and it makes me feel so proud of you for all the energy you are using to figure things out to meet your needs. It will all work out one step at a time.” I think it was being heard with such amazing empathy that got me moving again….I think for me I keep repeating my woes until I am heard…and I seem to need to be heard in order to release.
The childcare was so vital a part of the true help….
Nice post Thank you
What a powerful example of someone doing something that really works! Your friend is awesome. She was there for you, listened to you but didn’t add to the energy of your woes. She validated you where you were and your right to feel the way you to (which is incredibly important and a step we tend to forget, especially when it comes to people we care about). But she also saw you as fully capable of completing this journey, not as “lost” or broken. This is exactly what I’m talking about.
Thank you so much for sharing this here!!!
Huge hugs to you!
I can sure relate to Awesome Dudette. In my twenties I’d found personal development and I used to try and drag my friends into it and boy was it frustrating. That was a long time ago and today I have the benefit of perspective to know how spot on this post is.
Once again, great advise Melody!
We’ve all been there… It’s so natural to want to share our new found insights. And we grew up in a world where everyone is looking for the ONE answer. So when we think we’ve found it, it’s only logical that we’d want to shout it from the heaven. The fallacy there is not with the answer, but in thinking that there’s only one. 🙂
Been here, pretty intensely.
I love to believe in people. I love to trust them. I love to connect with people and have them _join me_ on my success-focused journey.
No matter how much I inspire, influence, and like that for people, I never get to choose for them. At times I’ve attracted really powerful people, who could hold their negative-faith so strongly, nothing I could do would shake it.
The solution is so simple, but soooo unpreferred 😀
Let the go. Move on. Cut ’em off. *At least for awhile*, they may come back in a week, or a year. Life is bigger than we think, with longer time-tables than most people imagine. I always want people to ryze up immediately and not wander around lost for years, but that’s their choice.
Something that worked for me: Stop rewarding people’s negativity with more strength and support and positivity from you. They’ll learn that the more negative they are, the more “awesomeness” and positivity and “extra-mile” they can get from you.
In my experience rewarding negativity with awesome value only makes things worse.
I am very, very good at this and have written many posts on it. Here’s a couple powerful ones, that might help with the Lori situation.
And I’ll leave with this Jay-Z quote:
“I tried to teach n***as how to be kings
And all they ever wanted to be was soldiers.”
Letting people go and allowing them to follow their own path has to be one of the hardest things to do for those who have set the intention to help others. When you’re an uplifter, you want to uplift. You don’t want to accept that there are people out there whom you can’t help. What got me over this hump was the realization that I’m not the only teacher out there. I’m not responsible for saving the world. It’s a choice of mine, not a responsibility, to help others, and if I let LOA bring me those who are a match to my help, magic happens. Those who aren’t a match to me WILL be a match to someone or something else. We always get exactly the help we’re ready for in the perfect way. When we try to help those who aren’t a match to us, we’re essentially declaring that we know better than the Universe what this person needs. We know better than THEM. To me, that’s a bit arrogant. And it was this realization that finally allowed me to make peace with just letting people go. And when I did, I met a lot less people who I couldn’t help, because the resistance in me that kept attracting them was gone. But yeah… hard lesson to learn. 🙂
Thanks for sharing your links.
Yep, I was that arrogant uplifter guy.
Left him in the dust 😀
Great advice; beautifully written, although I do continue to search for my “magic wand.” Thank you.
Thanks! Oh man, aren’t we all searching for that Magic Wand… 😉
And i Love that you added the “Tweet This” 😀
I know! I love it, too! Thanks for the advice! 🙂
🙂 Oh yes, there are people out there, no matter how convincing we are, will just not accept things can be better. We have a fun theory at home where we classify some people as “never happy unless they are unhappy”. These people are happiest when they’re cribbing about something. It could even be that they have to cut their nails and that can easily appear to be a crisis situation, in the absence of something more serious. Now – over the years, I’ve found that these people categorize their “best” friends 🙂 They earmark some friends to crib to – while with the others, they don’t mind sharing good stuff. It is like …they decide what each friend deserves to hear.
Years ago, I had a hotshot friend who had an influential position in an organization. She would always be upset about something or other. I often wondered how she tackled her job. Soon enough, I had the chance to wait for her – and watch her at work. A totally different person!. She interacted with others in a very different way from the way she did with the rest of us. Damn! And then – of course we confronted her about it…and believe it or not – she actually said she had to put on an act. Imagine! 😀 It was hilarious to say the least. She had a daughter and as we noticed later, she was a different person with her family. She is a terrific person…yet..this putting on various acts bugs the heck outta me. Well, I guess, diffr’nt strokes for diffr’nt folks!
Thing is, it isn’t as if some people can’t, you know. But they WON’T 😀
The wearing of different masks for different “jobs”, or having different personas is a defense mechanism. I used to do it myself. You never really feel as though you can be yourself, or at least not in certain parts of your life, so you put on an act. It’s a response to fear and insecurity. It bothers you so much because you feel the discord of it. You want people to be real with you, as you are with them. But your friend may not be ready to face whatever fear is causing her to compartmentalize. Until she is, she can’t change it. But with friends like you, who are much more authentic, she’ll make it. Just shine a light on who she really is and trust that she’ll find her way there in her own time. 🙂
Thanks so much for sharing this story!