Dear lovely readers,

I am currently on a weeklong  Spa vacation in Austria. While I’m gone, I’ve decided to publish one reader question per post.  Enjoy!

“What of soul mates?  Obviously, we click to the core with certain people we are immensely attracted to from the moment we meet them, but it is not lust, just a heavy attraction you both can’t deny.  Sometimes this occurs when both parties are married, for we meet by chance. If this happens, can there be future encounters with this person when the time is right?  Is it all up to us?

You may not even believe in this concept, but there is something to it.  It can’t all be BS.” 

I do believe in the concept of soul mates, but perhaps not in the way that you mean. I do not believe that we are “destined” to be with certain people, and that if we find them we will automatically be happy and if we don’t, we are doomed to die alone. That is, indeed, BS.

However, I do believe that we set powerful pre-birth intentions, which are very general, and then we add to those intentions and define them more and more specifically as we live our lives. When someone matches our vibration in a significant way, we feel an attraction for them. When someone matches our core vibration, when Who They Really Are matches up with Who We Really Are in terms of our core intentions, then we feel an incredible connection with them, something that seems to surpass our human-ness. And it does. We then refer to these people as soul mates. But there’s never just one of these out there for each of us.

Just because you’ve found one person that you resonate deeply with doesn’t mean that no one else exists that you feel a connection with. That’s like saying that you love Pizza and now that you love Pizza you cannot love Burgers anymore. Of course you can still love Burgers. But you may not choose to eat them anymore if doing so would be against your intentions – i.e. when the feeling you’d get from eating that burger would pale in comparison to the feeling you get when you have Pizza. In that case, you’d be looking at the Burger but thinking of Pizza the whole time.

Is it possible for two people who have a massive connection to meet up again at a later date if they were not available to each other when they did? Yes. But I’d caution against making that the goal. Make feeling connected the goal. It’s entirely possible that your current partner could then fill that role and your connection could deepen until you it matches what you want. It that’s not the case, however, then focusing on what you want will eventually cause a split and you will match up with a person that does match your desire.

If you are currently happily married (meaning, you are not trying to hold on to something that was over ages ago), then meeting someone that really rattles your cage is most likely NOT a message that you should get out of the marriage, but a glimpse of something you want but which you have not been allowing. It’s a sign to adjust your vibration. There’s a big difference between simply reacting to your partner’s behavior and energy and deliberately focusing your way to the feeling you want and then letting LOA change your reality to match it.

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  • Another thing I thought about this topic is meeting your soul mate too early or at a time that is inappropriate. In such cases, it is best to go on with one’s plans in life, allowing for a future rendezvous with this person. I’ve heard if such stories, where the couple met each other in High school, just knew they would marry one day, went their separate ways and had other experiences and ended up together when the time was right for each of them. Just thought I’d share this on this topic.

    • Great point, Kat. It’s totally possible that people are almost a match to each other, but then go on to both release resistance and grow separately, only to finally be a total match later on. It’s all possible. πŸ™‚

      Huge hugs!

  • Hi Melody,

    “I do believe that we set powerful pre-birth intentions”. That belief also makes some sense to me. That’s why I never looked at [real] Astrology as a complete nonsense, even though I’ve never felt the urge to involve deeply in learning about this subject.

    Do you think that Astrology charts may help us to be closer to our True Selfs, somehow like a guide, or a “post-it on the refrigerator reminder”?


  • One of the best posts and commentary EVER! It resonated so well with me and even brought tears to my eyes, because this is what it is really like. All those who allowed themselves to meet and get to know these soulmates are the lucky ones, for they experience something very special others never get to experience.
    Hope you are enjoying yourself Melody!

    • Thanks Kat! I totally agree. I’m thinking of doing more short posts in the future. They seem to evoke much greater discussion. πŸ™‚ I have the best readers ever.

      I’m having a blast. Thanks so much for your wonderful wishes.

      Huge hugs!

    • Thanks Shorty! Of course I am. Had a gorgeous breakfast today, did a bit of running, sauna, nap, reflexology foot massage, more sauna, awesome gourmet dinner and then watched Italy beat the pants off Germany in the Eurocup Semi-finals. Day could not have gone better (aside from the game of footy. Germany could’ve played better…)


      Huge hugs!

  • I’m with Derrek on this one and I have the relationship he talks of – I’m sure he has or has had too because there’s no other way you can understand it enough to talk about it in the way he does.

    I was married when I met my soul-mate, so was he. Neither of us intended for it to be the way it was. I despised cheats and liars, openly scorned anyone who betrayed their partners. I may have been unhappily married but I was very married. I was brought up with the ‘you’ve made your bed so lie in it’, mentality. I believed I had to stick it out regardless. I believed it was my fault I no longer loved this man but he loved me and his children and so it was my duty to forego my happiness to sustain his. He was innocent. I was guilty and very bad and my well-deserved punishment was ‘lying in my made bed’.

    But the attraction – and attraction does not seem anywhere near a strong enough word to describe what there was between us – was too strong. We avoided each other for months, did everything we could to keep out of each others sight. If we were in the same room it was as if a fire were about to spontaneously combust, the energy was so extreme. We eventually had an affair that was existential bliss and glass-sharded pain at the same time.

    It led to the end of our marriages and the whole situation was painful, messy, intense, extreme, angst-ridden and glorious. Even after we were together we swung from one end of the scale to the other for many, many years. I was just as Derrek describes above and we dragged each other through hell. He brought me face to face with my deepest fears (I had been raped as a child and was riddled with cell-level mistrust anger and fear) and I brought all his demons home for dinner and made him face them. Paradoxically we were both each others one place of solace and absolute terror.

    Twelve years later we have reached a place of precarious balance. We still dip into stormy unchartered waters and are becoming more able not to cling and grasp and struggle and gasp to keep our heads above tumultuous waters. It’s much easier to trust a life-jacket and just lie back in the water and go with the flow.

    It’s still frightening at times and revelationary. Some days even just a word can trigger more repressed crap that’s striving for release. We don’t hold back from speaking the truth. I see energy and I have seen his Large Self, Who HE Really Is and He is incredibly beautiful. We have a deal that we will never let each other forget or run away from Who We Really Are. That takes commitment to expansion. I guess we’re choosing to live on the ‘leading edge’ as Abraham would say.

    We are soul-mates. It is definitely not sweetness and light. It is definitely not an easy ride. It is definitely not lovey-dovey, valentine, cup-cakes and gloss. All it is is honest and I’ll take honesty every time. Thank you :]

    • That was a downright incredible way to describe it, DawnStar. And you’re right, I’ve met my soulmate, and I speak from experience. The biggest mistake that people make is thinking a soulmate is someone you’d immediately want to spend the rest of your life with, when in reality meeting your soulmate unearths more doubt and confusion than meeting a regular partner. You’ll find certainty when marrying your best friend or your long-time lover, but deciding if you want to spend your life with someone who makes you feel emotionally naked all the time is not only confusing, but extremely frightening.

      In no way is this soulmate perfect, but you see things in them that are mesmerizing and intoxicating and insanely beautiful. The whole thing takes years to decompress and make sense of, yet in that time you learn things about yourself that you never would have in ANY other situation. You face scenarios that prove just how essential you are to each other. It’s a wild mess made with heaps of love, lust, bliss, joy, pain, anger, insecurity, and tons of learning along the way.

      The crazy thing about this concept is that you are your soulmate’s soulmate as well. And ironically even though you being together is what creates these hurricane-like events, you’re also the other’s reason for surviving the storm. At the end of the day though, it’s not so much suffering as it is battling your own demons. You slowly start to realize that it isn’t the soulmate that makes you feel insecure, it’s just you. It’s an awesome process. And maybe it sounds too whirlwind-y to some, but I assure you there’s a lot of happiness to be found. If anything, being in such a relationship keeps you feeling alive. You’re constantly learning more, constantly being creative, and constantly challenging yourself. It’s pretty cool. πŸ™‚

      • Thank you DawnStar and Derrek for this incredible contribution to the explanation of what a real soul mate is. I couldn’t have stated it nearly as accurately as you two have done.

        In a way, our family members are often our soul mates, as well. This is why they often bring out the best AND worst in us. They mirror our beliefs (good and bad) back to us in a way that no one else can. And romantic soul mates are the same. Does it always have to be volatile? I don’t believe so, but it takes a great amount of self awareness to make the ride smoother. As Derrek mentioned, if you can own your reactions and know that they are ultimately about YOU, you can skip the whole “blaming them for your feelings” phase. Soul mates are huge catalysts for growth, and that journey isn’t an easy one. But it’s worth it. So, SO freaking worth it. πŸ™‚

        Huge hugs to you both!!!


  • Hi Melody,

    Yes, definitely, I would say that attracting one’s soul mate is like anything else with the law of attraction. You attract that whom as the matching vibrations as you do and it’s “a match in even” as it could also be “a match in hell” so to speak as some people have been a perfect match as a couple in dispicable crimes.

    I definitely do believe that there is not only one “soul mate” for each one of us.

    Hey, Melody, I know you are in vacation and all :), but just in case you sent the interview back, I have not received it. I thought I’d let you know just in case something happened like last time.
    thanks πŸ™‚

    • Hey Sylviane,

      You’re so right. If someone is mired in pain and fear, then any soul mate they attract at that moment will be, too. Soul mate does not mean savior. I’m loving how the comments are taking this question so much further! πŸ™‚

      I haven’t answered the questions yet, sweetie. I’m trying to do as little as possible on this vacation. I’m only answering comments and emails which have to be answered. Everything else, including coaching clients will have to wait until I’m back, refreshed and full of new insights. πŸ™‚

      Huge hugs!


      • ‘Soul mate does not mean savior’

        you know, right now i hate to admit it, but i DID treat all of my ex-boyfreinds like they ought to be my ‘parent’ and ‘protector’ and ‘savior’ and sort out all my past emotional-baggage issues for me πŸ™

      • Great no problem. I just wanted to make sure you didn’t send it and me not receiving it like last time πŸ™‚ Have fun on your vacation πŸ™‚ Just use my gmail address to be sure πŸ™‚


  • You have some really cool people sending you some really excellent questions, Melody. This one’s deep. I’m not sure if soulmates exist (love the concept though), but I know a soulmate isn’t what the media portrays him / her to be. To me a soulmate is someone who brings out the best and worst in you. She’ll throw you out of your comfort zone. None of your macho-guyish BS will work on her. She’ll know you’re lying when you are, she’ll smell fear when you’re afraid, she’ll sense your sadness, and she’ll call out every single insecurity you have that’s hidden under layers of defense mechanisms.

    Doesn’t sound much like a lovey-dovey ride now does it? That’s because a soulmate is someone who’ll dig out the resistance that even you are too afraid to face. You may not even agree on everything she says, but the things you’ll learn in the process of riding this rollercoaster will make you a better person. It’s fun. You’ll absolutely love this person, but you’ll also be baffled at how she sees right through you.

    And then maybe you’ll break up, and maybe you’ll meet someone who’s your best friend and not as soul-peering as the person before, but the fact remains that your soulmate was always the person who saw you for who you really are, and not for the person you pretend to be on the outside.

    • That’s gorgeous Derrek!

      And you make a really good point – just because someone is your soul mate, doesn’t mean you’ll be together forever. Everything is always evolving and changing and if your partner doesn’t evolve with you, why would you want to hang on to them? But that’s what people often mean by soul mate: The ONE. That one person that will stay with you forever, ensuring that you never have to feel lonely again. But if you are feeling lonely, no person, soul mate or otherwise can fix that. And if you’re feeling love and loved, adoring and adored, happy and joyful and complete, than nothing in the Universe can keep you from every potential soul mate out there. πŸ™‚

      Huge hugs!

  • Did you read ‘Getting The Love You Want’ and/or ‘Keeping The Love You Find’, both by Harville Hendrix? Pretty interesting (and possibly life-changing) theory

  • Hi Melody,
    I think this was badly needed…you really make things so easy to understand…but I couldn’t get your last paragraph…could you please give some example n explain again…:)

    • Hey Kamal,

      Shbni asked much the same question as you. If my reply to her doesn’t clarify this for you, just let me know and I’ll do my best to explain it further. πŸ™‚

      Huge hugs!

  • There’s another, not very popular and rather odd concept on soul mates or twin flames on

    “Your soul mate will not be someone who bends over backwards to cater to your every desire. He or she will not smooth the path before you so you don’t stub your toe. That’s not their job. Nor is it your job to do so for them, no matter how much you might want to. Would you really be serving their growth if you solved all their problems? Probably not.”

    Challenging each other sounds so much better to me than the romantic yada yada of harmony and peace that leads nowhere.

    • That’s beautiful Brian. And I couldn’t agree more. We often look for someone to complete us. But no one can. We have to complete ourselves. And I’m so with you on the challenging thing. We shouldn’t try to make our partners into our parent or our child (wanting them to take care of us, or wanting someone to take care of). A partner should be just that – a partner. An equal. Someone who helps us grow as we help them grow. Someone who is keeping up with their own evolution as we are keeping up with ours. So we can create a new relationship together, over and over again. That sounds so much more interesting than “Whatever you want…” πŸ™‚

      Huge hugs!

      • Hi Melody and Brian,

        Do soulmates and or twin flames necessarily always have to do with being each other’s partner? I could imagine a family member or a friend just as well. And is a twin flame or a soulmate the same thing? I do not know much about twin flames but if they exist I think you have only one of those but again, I could imagine having more soulmates if that means people who totally resonate with you. I never gave it much thought before.
        And as far as the challenging is concerned, of course. If you both want to grow you keep challenging each other and yourself all the time by looking for new perspectives to look at things and yes, also to face your issues. The offered alternative of always looking out for each other’s wishes, and especially the bending over backwards does not sound very appealing. But why see a contradiction between challenging each other and peace and harmony? I think reaching the stage of peace and harmony is quite a challenge in itself that will certainly never be reached by bending over backwards.



    • Hey Patricia,

      The main benefit of a spa vacation is that it gives me time to focus on me. When I can’t afford to do this or simply don’t have the time, I can get the same benefit by taking a day or two and making it all about me. I enjoy being pampered or pampering myself, so I will take a beauty day, give myself a mani/pedi, a facial, put on a moisturizing mask, sit around in my bathrobe all day, eat fruit, drink tea, read a trashy novel, take a nap, listen to my favorite music, lie in the sun… Basically, I do whatever makes me feel like the queen I am. πŸ™‚ By doing this, I relax, I feel important to myself and I end up getting a ton of valuable insights. You can be kind to yourself in a lot of different ways that don’t require you to go to a Spa. It’s just really easy to feel good here…

      Give yourself a happy day!

      Huge happy shiny puppy hugs,

      • Melody,
        I take every MONDAY off the computer and just for myself. I make every MONDAY I possibly can a retreat day. This week I went for a pedicure. I am working on making a spa experience for my birthday in August. I thought if I could get 3 massages that week and go out to eat each meal and just enjoyed my space It would be like going to a spa and not increase the debt.
        I also wanted to share I am feeling so much better since I quit job hunting, quit the vitamin company I was working for, and got on this botanical hormone…March was a big transition for me.. I am working on flowing through my day and enjoying each moment. I am reading a ton of books and that just excites me no end. truly
        Living with a person who is chronically depressed has taught me to truly take as much care as possible with my self.
        I also do not avoid my shadows because that just compounds the depression energy
        πŸ™‚ HOpe you are having a great and stress free time…Ahhhhhhhh!

  • Hi Melody
    I have the same line of thinking when it comes to this topic. I really enjoyed the post as it elaborated on it and I found your explanation very enlightening.

  • ‘Is it possible for two people who have a massive connection to meet up again at a later date if they were not available to each other when they did? Yes. But I’d caution against making that the goal. Make feeling connected the goal. ‘

    what does this mean? i dint quite get it. connected to what? :-/
    am sorry if im asking silly questions here !

    • Hey Shbni,

      That sentence was an answer to the question if someone is married, but meets another person who feels like their soul mate, could they meet up again at a later date when they are single again.
      My answer was yes, it is possible. But, if you are married and meet someone who feels like a soul mate, I would not focus on or make it a goal to someday meet this particular person again. My advice would be to focus on your connection to Who You Really Are – on feeling good right now and allowing the circumstances in your reality to change until they match that.

      Does that make more sense? πŸ™‚

      Huge hugs!

      • yeah, it made sense. so basically youre saying that make the best of your situation, then move on IF needed, right..
        and this is to do with things in genral, not just a relationship with another person.

        • Pretty much, yes. Focus on what you truly want, not on how you think you will get it. Be happy in the moment and let LOA take care of the rest. That’s the formula for every situation. πŸ™‚

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