Awesome Dudette asks: “I read your post about soul mates and it makes sense to me that we’re not destined to necessarily be with one person. I was just curious if you could give some more insight with regards to how you can be honest with yourself about whether or not a relationship is no longer serving you. For me personally, I have learned to be very independent and it is my tendency to distance myself from others when an issue comes up or when I no longer enjoy spending time with the person (maybe due to a fear of thinking their negativity will influence me?). I think with the case of having a boyfriend, I am concerned that I will not be able to distinguish between distancing myself from my boyfriend because it is a defense mechanism to do so, or if it is because I should be moving on from the relationship.”
Here’s my answer:
I’ve written about this topic before, in When you Sense Danger: Is it Intuition or Prejudice?, but not specifically from a relationship point of view.
So, you’re in a relationship and you find that you have the urge to leave. Is it because you have some kind of limiting belief which causes you to sabotage yourself and run screaming for the hills every time things get a little too “real”? Or is it an indication that the two of you are no longer a match? How can you tell the difference?
Let’s assume that there are no obvious signs to get out (that would make it easier), like abuse or anything like that. Your boyfriend is a good guy, but you’re feeling some kind of discord, and you’re not sure what to do. Here’s my advice: Don’t focus on the action of staying or leaving. Focus on what you want (love, connection, etc.) and then wait until you are inspired to act.
Too simple? Don’t worry. I’ll explain.
Scenario 1 – Fear
Let’s say that you have a belief that would cause you to run screaming from an awesome guy. You feel fear and anxiety and an urge to leave. How is that different from the feeling you’d get if this guy was NOT a good guy and you’d be inspired to get away from him?
Focus on what you truly want, get really clear on it and give it all your energy. In order to do this, you’ll have to figure out what it is that you’re feeling. Are you nervous? Afraid? Dissatisfied? Bored? Yes, a fear (or limiting belief) could be at the heart of all of these emotions. If you have a belief that relationships sizzle out after a certain amount of time, you could become bored after a while causing you to want to leave. But this boredom would then just be a manifestation of that belief, not an indication that the relationship was actually doomed to be boring.
Let’s say that you’re feeling a general sense of dissatisfaction. Nothing big is actually wrong, but little things are starting to irritate you. You find yourself picking little fights and making excuses to be alone or with your friends. You seem to be pulling away and you don’t know why.
What do you want?
Don’t focus on your behavior here, as in “I want to be with my boyfriend and be happy about it”. Focus on how you want to feel. Perhaps you truly want to feel:
- Challenged (in a good way)
For the sake of example, let’s say that the word “safe” jumped out at you and caused an emotional reaction. You love the idea of feeling safe with your partner, of sitting on the couch at the end of the day, able to share your deepest feelings, KNOWING that they truly get you. You want to feel deeply connected and experience what it’s like to be able to be truly vulnerable with someone else, trusting them to accept you just as you are.
Focus on what you want
Focus on the feeling of being safe. Just reading the above paragraph will have evoked a little bit of that for you. Give all your attention to the feeling of what you truly want, and don’t worry about how that might come about. If your mind jumps in and snipes, “Yeah, but Roger doesn’t want to sit on the couch sharing feelings“, go back to the general emotion you want to achieve. Know that it doesn’t have to be on the couch and it doesn’t even have to be a conversation. It’s the feeling you’re after and you don’t have to define HOW you’ll achieve it.
Now, the Law of Attraction will start to bring you thoughts that feel safe. You’ll notice things in your reality that feel like that. You’ll turn on the TV and see a show with a couple that have this kind of relationship. You’ll notice a little old couple in the street who are clearly deeply connected. These are all manifestations of what you want, telling you that you’re successfully tuning into the frequency of what you want. Keep going.
As you do this, the general feeling of dissatisfaction will lift. You’ll start to feel closer to your boyfriend, even though he hasn’t done anything to deserve it. 😉 And as the manifestations become bigger, you’ll receive…
An Opportunity to release the belief
You may be inspired to have a conversation with your boyfriend at just the right time – a time when he is open to hearing you. You will be inspired to say just the right words, not defensive or accusatory words, but emotional words, describing how you truly feel and what you are afraid of. You will get clarity on how you truly feel and why and you’ll be able to share yourself more openly than you ever have. And that, in turn, will elicit a completely different reaction from him than you may have ever seen.
Or, you and your boyfriend could have a fight, which leads to you actually sharing some of your fears (and defining them more for yourself), and causes him to share his fears (men have just as much emotional baggage women do!). And as you both reveal parts of yourself that you’ve been keeping hidden up until now, you let your guards down and discover a closeness you never knew.
Another possibility is that your fears start to just dissipate, as you see more and more evidence of what you want and less of the stuff that you’re afraid of.
In any case, the resistance will be released and your relationship will be better and stronger for it.
Scenario 2 – Intuition
The guy is not right for you anymore and you have the urge to get away from him.
Focus on what you truly want, get really clear on it and give it all your energy. Follow the instructions above on defining your emotions.
Now, circumstances in your reality will shift to move him away from you. He will become more distant. If you keep your focus on what you want and align with it, everything that doesn’t match that will easily gravitate right out of your experience. He will just leave, no big explosive breakup, no fights. The Universe will make it easy (providing you keep focusing purely on what you want). Maybe his job will transfer him away, or he’ll meet someone else (this would not be a bad thing if you understand that the relationship is actually over), or you’ll have an amicable conversation where you both realize that it’s just not working anymore. In other words, you won’t have to be the big, bad bitch and leave him for what seems like a silly reason (try explaining “we’re just not a vibrational match anymore” to someone who doesn’t understand LOA…) It will be made easy for you.
Your actions don’t determine the outcome of things – your energy does. Whenever you find yourself torn between two options, go back to the basics. Figure out what you truly want and then focus all of your energy on that. Do that and the option that leads you to that goal the fastest will become very clear.
Hey.. I came across your blog ‘accidentally’ and really loved reading the posts.. well the thing is what if you didn’t want to get distant with your partner? You feared one day you would and now it is so.. but you really didn’t want it.. will the partner return back? The mind is in a jumble so had to post this across…
Thanks for the posts 🙂 Cheers!
Using intuition, trusting your instinct is paramount in situations such as this. Sometimes the heart needs to close and you need to be alone, there is nothing wrong with this. Other times you need to to open yourself up to the idea that you want love in your life again, that you’re not alone. There is no right way or wrong way as such, just many hard lessons.
Exactly Elena, well stated. There are no hard and fast rules. All we can do is to guide ourselves to a better feeling place in each moment. But that’s enough. 🙂
Wow, this one really touches a chord!
So what do you focus on when you have everything you thought you wanted in a spouse, but it seems to mean nothing anymore? You thought you knew, had it figured out, but then you find it’s not working for you. Even though nothing specific is wrong, it just feels wrong, and you have no idea what to focus on or what you want. And how do you know if it’s because you no longer resonate with your spouse and need to move on, or if you have something else going on entirely.
Well, this post actually answers your questions. You focus on what you truly want, on how you want your relationship to feel and find a way to feel that way. Then LOA will take care of the rest. 🙂
Wow that is an insightful post. I recently had the urge to breakup a relationship, in fact, I think we both did. We had a chat about it also. However we just spent more time together, more time talking and more time setting goals together and now it feels great again. Truly knowing what you are thinking is hard, and knowing when to quit is even harder. In my opinin talking about it openly is the solution. You never know what the other person is thinking until you ask.
That’s awesome! Your urge to breakup was your indicator of discord. Something was coming up and you had the urge to run. But you faced it and ended up getting stronger for it. Bravo!
I couldn’t agree more. Being authentic and honest with your self and your partner makes all the difference in the world. And when you’re both authentic with each other, you can continue to grow together and evolve together for ages. THAT’S a truly awesome and timeless relationship. 🙂
You role model you. 😆
In almost all your posts , you have mentioned the message , focus only on the feeling of what you want.
what if you dont know what it is that you want.
I am eagerly waiting for your post on using LOA to find your true passion to get your purpose in life.
Today’s post is about passion. 🙂
I will write something up shortly about how to use LOA to find your passion. I think that post is finally ready to come out. I know what I want to say.
i wanna get something clarified.
lets consider a scenario where a woman just found out her husband intends on divorcing her. she wants to feel better and instead of focussing on feeling bad, focusses on on feeling the way she did when they first met and the romance of it all. and she imagines them sitting togetehr in the house once more. she keeps visualizing an outcome where her husband doesnt leave her.
and it turns out he dosent.
so what ur post means to say is that it was JUST a matter of chance that her husband came back to her..and that there was also the probabbility that he might leave her and that the woman might find a new relationship, but it dint happen..right?
so if the woman credits her visualizations to getting her husband ‘back’ shes being faulty?
I would change that just a bit – instead of focusing on feeling bad, the woman then focuses on feeling good, period. Imagining her husband NOT leaving her would almost certainly activate her pain about him leaving her, and not feel very good. So, she should just focus on feeling good, period.
And then, her husband may actually not leave her. This would not be chance. It would mean that this particular relationship had the ability to match the vibration of what she wants, which has little to do with her husband. But if she makes it all about her husband, if she decides that he is responsible for making her feel the way she wants to feel, she will not be aligning with what she wants.
And yes, there’s the possibility that the relationship does not have the ability to match what she now wants, as both she and her husband have grown and evolved as a result of their marriage, and are now in two different places, vibrationally.
Giving credit to her visualization would not be faulty, although, again, I would word it a little differently. The manifestation of her husband staying (and working through the issues – the relationship would not return to it’s unhappy place, but evolve to what the woman really wants) would be a direct result of her deliberate focus on better feeling thoughts. She shifted her vibration and her reality changed to match it. She would do well to take full credit for what she’s accomplished.
oh no, i dint mean she shouldnt take credit !
i was just thinking that its a matter of chance that the relationship had the ability to go back to how it was and be normal again. it could also have not been that he might have left.i was just getting into the technical details, thats all !
i DO give people like that full credit for manifesting their ‘ happy outcomes’ 🙂
Ah, understood. Yes, in that way, you could see it as a matter of chance, in terms that you can’t control if the relationship has the ability to match your new desire, or not.
One phrase that has always gotten me hung up is, “You can have anything you want”. I have heard it a million times and it has especially frustrated me in relationships since I’ve been rejected by so many who I wanted. But I finally did come to the realization of the difference between ‘what’ and ‘who’. You can’t necessarily have any WHO (a specific person) you want but you CAN have any WHAT you want, as in: security, money, car, safety, love, etc. So I finally learned the better way of phrasing so simpletons like me can see it crystal clear… Focus on the WHAT that you want (the individual characteristics of a desirable partner and a desirable relationship). THEN, the Universe will deliver the WHO who possesses those characteristics and you can achieve those relationships qualities with. In short – focus on the what, and you’ll get the who.
Spot on, Lauren! Things can get painful when we try to do the Universe’s job and think that we have to force someone in our reality to fill the role of what we want. It’s so much easier when we let LOA bring us those who are not only able but very willing to fill that role for us. And they are are always so much better than the person we picked. We’re afraid that if we don’t participate in the picking, that we’ll have to settle, but quite the opposite is true. There are potential love matches out there that are better than anything we could’ve even imagined.
Now this is my kinda post! 😀
I’ve had this situation before. It’s an excruciating dilemma (at least it was for me). It makes matters worse when your current partner isn’t a bad person. Instead, she’s sweet and is so damn loving.
You said it best when you said we should focus our energy on what we want to feel instead of what actions to take at the moment. It’s so simple yet so scary sometimes…you know, to give-up the “hows” and “whens”. I guess the best thing to do is to enjoy the moment you’re in, no matter what. Keep positive, find good things to like about your partner, focus on how you want to feel, and just stop worrying. As long as things aren’t bad, they still can be good, right? 🙂
I love this post! Thanks for this, Melody! Appreciate it, and it’s something I’ll definitely keep in mind for any “torn between the two” situation.
Thanks so much Derek. I’m glad this resonated with you. There are no hard and fast rules. Wouldn’t that be easy? 🙂
But if you figure out what you really want and focus on that, it will never steer you wrong.
had a revelation this past Saturday. I experienced the materialization of my Soul into this dimension. It dropped out of space and into this time. I was naked, I had nothing. I looked around and felt alone, isolated, disconnected and abandoned. I felt FEAR. What I had failed to consciously realize in that moment, became a memory loss that stretched through time. What I forgot was that I had chosen to come here and live this life. What I now realize is that Spirit has always been with me. That I am part of Spirit. I AM Spirit. I AM not alone I AM surrounded by and immersed in love. I AM a Creator. We, are the I AM. We, are responsible for creating everything we experience. It is all part of the script the Soul writes for itself, and the Ego (the physical body along and our feelings and emotions), while in conversation with the god energy.
Each of us is a playwright. We write the script, design the costumes, build the props, and pick the actors. We are constantly auditioning actors as the roles and words change daily. Some actors are selected for a recurring role in our life long drama. Some may only appear in a scene or two while others have brief walk on parts. All of them have a single purpose . . . to recreate a memory that will enable us to remember our Divineness and shed our FEAR (Fear, Excuses, Avoidance, Repetition.)
Energy has consciousness. As it evolves into ever more complicated “life-forms”, the consciousness of each life-form becomes part of the collective consciousness. The collective consciousness is the I AM. We are Energy. We are evolving. We are the I AM. We are joyful co-creators with unlimited potentials!
Yes! Yes! Yes! It sounds like you’ve reached a whole new plateau! Pure, unadulterated awesomeness. 🙂
This is too funny. I’ve been working on a post using the actor metaphor, how everyone we meet is essentially an actor, cast into the play of our lives. I find it so perfectly illustrates how important we are in our own realities, but our realities only (we don’t have to go about fixing other people’s realities…)
Punching the air in your honor, ME.
Huge happy shiny puppy hugs for you!
WELCOME HOME EVERYONE!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks Me! Good to be home. In every sense of the word. 🙂
Thanks, this is truly amazing stuff. I’ve experienced massive shifts of energy in recent weeks, I’m in a really good place energetically and things are coming easily, and this post summed it all up for me. And I don’t even have a particlar relationship issue at the moment! So yes, once you make a breakthrough, LOA in action really does what it says on the tin! Just reading this post has reiterated that I’m on track, and I’m inspired to keep on trucking!
Thank you so much,
Love and hugs xxxxxx
LOL. I love it! “LOA: Does what it says on the tin!” Ha.
You know, the principles of what I talk about are always the same. They are applicable to everything. So even though this post is about relationships, you can apply the core of it to everything. And once you see that, the way you are doing now, everything starts to make sense. It’s an awesome, AWESOME place to be. Good for you chica!
Everything is energy and it’s always in alignment. When you base your decisions on ideas alone, you are stuck in duality and up seems down and down seems up, when you tune in and listen to your heart and feel the energy, you find the real. The answers you seek live within your heart, and they speak in a very quiet voice, the voice of silent intuition
When Up Seems Down by Christian Locke
when up seems down and down seems up
take a new breath and empty out your cup
hold out your hands and allow to receive
love mercy and grace beyond what you believe
continue reading by clicking the link below…
That’s beautiful Christian. Thanks so much for sharing it here.
We really do have it turned around. And we’re so convinced that going from the outside in is the best way, even thought it’s never really worked. Hell of a sales job someone did there…
It’s so wonderful to be living in a time when so many are waking up to the truth. Yay!
This post came just in time when I’ve been focusing on what I want and the related feelings but I now realize that I’ve been focusing too much on the ‘how.’ Being a visual and fairly analytical person, it’s sometimes difficult for me to focus purely on feelings. And now that I think about it, I’ve been coming from a low-energy, needy vibration. Time to turn that around too!
You’re always there to keep me on the right path! Thanks Melody!!
LOL Paige. You’re so welcome. That’s me.. “Get your butt back on that path!”, he, he.
It’s so easy to get caught up in the details. On my vacation, I realized that I was doing the same thing on an issue I’ve been trying to shift. It was so clear when I took a step back. Derp. The important thing is that we notice and then adjust. No one’s perfect and hell, who’d want to be? That would be so boring! 🙂
“Your actions don’t determine the outcome of things – your energy does.” Dear, dear Melody, this quote absolutely hits the nail on the head for me. Life becomes so much easier and clearer when we live it the right way round i.e. inside out, not outside in.
Love this post.
Thanks so much Elle! I’m really glad it resonated with you.
And I couldn’t agree more! You’ve got it figured out too, chica! 🙂
Yes, the common theme of focusing on what you want and not on what is. Just doing so makes you feel better, at least that is what I find, along with having faith about it all working out when it does.
I say it again and again and again and again, Kat. It’s what I do all day long. I may use different words and different examples and different subjects, but the core message is always the same. I’m stubborn that way. 😆
“Don’t focus on the action of staying or leaving. Focus on what you want (love, connection, etc.) and then wait until you are inspired to act.”
Seconded, and stopped reading there 😛 🙂
LOL Jason. At least you made it past the picture, ha, ha. But actually, if you fully understood that, and I have no doubt that you did, then you didn’t need the rest of the post. If I only wrote for you, my posts would be very, very short. 😆
[grin] – Yep, you know how we roll… I just wanted to add in some props for a point well made, and to take a break from my usual eye-opening diatribes 🙂
Yes, I like what you’re saying here, Jason. Don’t focus on the fact of staying or leaving, but on what you feel about the relationship and what makes you happy.
When you’re unhappy in a relationship you keep thinking how much better you would feel without it. And that doesn’t even work only with couple/marriage kind of relationships, it works with any type of relationships.
I felt this way for a good 6 years with my relationship with a church. I felt trapped, and losing my own identity. These are signs to get the hell out!!! 🙂 of whatever that relationship may be 🙂
[grin] Thanks Sylviane! I was hammering home Melody’s point, and it sounds like you caught it too.
I love how you parallel it to your relationship with the church, that’s an eye-opener for many I’m sure, I’m pretty sure some people who go to church have a habitual, unconscious relationship with it.
Rock on and ryze up, Sylviane!