Awesome Dudette asks: “I am a little confused about the attraction process, especially, in romantic relationships. It has been said that the people in our lives are our mirrors. When it comes to a bad relationship, meaning that your partner is distant or unfaithful, does this mean that you attracted a neutral person and your vibration caused him to act this way? Or are people who they are and is it you who are drawn to that type of bad relationship because of lack of self love? I’m sorry, I’m very confused. For some reason I believe that it is me making them act unloving, unfaithful and so on. As if they are ok when I meet them and then I transform them.”

I love this question. A lot of people are confused about the influence their vibration has on others. And many believe that if there are douchebags or other unwanted manifestations in their reality, it’s their “fault”. You wouldn’t believe how often I have to field the question “Did I attract this because of my poor self-esteem?”, as if they were being punished for having doubts about their own worth.

Your low self esteem: a non-issue

Before I go further, I’d like to interject something here: Stop saying that you have low self-esteem or low self worth or massive insecurities. Everyone has insecurities. That’s a given. But we don’t have to define ourselves by them. There’s a big difference between seeing yourself as someone who is working towards feeling more and more secure and powerful, and someone who sees every bad thing in her life as an inevitable result of her crappy self image. Stop telling that sad and horrible story! Stop labeling yourself this way. There’s nothing wrong with you. You’re just on a journey, and yes, there are obstacles in your path, but let’s not make a bigger deal of them than necessary. I’ve seen people’s “low self esteem” completely turn around in a matter of weeks. Seeing yourself as someone who has low self esteem will ensure that you keep feeling that way. So, let’s make a deal right now, that starting today, you won’t see yourself as someone with low self esteem anymore, and you won’t keep looking for evidence that proves this belief true, ok? Ok.

So, what came first? The douchebag or the egg?

Back to the question at hand: When we attract a douchebag, did we take a perfectly nice person and turn them into an asshole, or did the Law of Attraction go out and find that perfect specimen who would mirror our belief that men are grunting Neanderthals with the emotional depth of a rain puddle?

The short answer is: It could be either one, really, or a little bit of both, depending on the situation.

Don’t worry, I’ll give you the long answer, too. Because I’m generous like that. And because it’ll give me the opportunity to use the word “Douchebag” some more, and we all know how much that makes me giggle.

No one is one dimensional. Not even a douche. *snort*

The thing is, none of us only has one side. We all have multi-faceted, complex personalities. We all have good moods and bad moods. Each one of us can be a sinner or saint, depending on a huge variety of variables and how they come together in any given situation. Your boss, who struts around all day barking orders like a deranged North Korean Dictator, may be gentle and compassionate with his family at home. The happy lady at the coffee shop who always has a smile for everyone, may also adore gossiping nastily about others. You cannot look at one version of any human being and even begin to understand what else they might have to offer.

However, we all have a general range, based on where our vibration is currently at. For example, I’m quite a happy person. I very naturally tend to focus on the most positive view I can possibly find in any given situation. And if I can’t find one, I know that I will eventually, and then I focus on that. Now, from time to time, I get triggered by something and I might get sad or annoyed or even downright pissed off. This will generally lead to me withdrawing for a bit and finding my center again. I don’t go around snapping at people (that doesn’t feel good to me at all, even when I’m severely annoyed), I don’t watch TV shows that are negatively focused. I do everything I can to find my way back to happy shiny puppy land as quickly as possible. So, even though I definitely have different sides to my personality, some more quirky, some more serious, my general range is annoyed to giddy. I don’t really stray outside of those parameters. Even if you catch me on a bad day, I won’t be a bitch. I just seem much more quiet than usual.

Now, take someone who is depressed and severely angry. This person’s range will be quite different from mine. They’ll generally swing between depression and/or rage, and making bitter, nasty jokes at the expense of others, which to them, would represent the top of their range, or as close to joy as they can currently get (although, that of course, can be changed with just a teensy bit of focus). If this person is having a bad day, you should hide the knives. If they’re having a good day, they may still be a total jerk, only funnier (possibly, only to themselves).

So, whomever you attract into your life, something in their range, what is in their ability to offer you, will match the vibration you’re offering. Perhaps not ALL of their personality will be a match, and there may be a great deal of them that you never get to see, but something in their range is a perfect mirror to you.

When you need a proper Jerk

If your beliefs about men/women, relationships or yourself are of a low vibration, then you’re going to attract someone who has it in them to mirror this frequency back to you. A happy shiny puppy who sometimes gets annoyed won’t do. You’ll need a proper jerk, someone who has the ability to get truly nasty and mean when it’s vibrationally called for. In that instance, you may attract someone who really can’t be truly nice to you. It’s beyond them at that time, due to their own massive fears and defensive mechanisms.

Because this type of person isn’t ready to shift upwards, they are very stable in their low vibration. This means that they will not match your higher vibration. The danger of allowing their vibration to train you into a lower frequency is pretty large. But, if you can hold on to your higher vibration, they will gravitate right out of your experience. And, as I explained in a recent post, you should totally let them. The process of letting them go would actually be a major part of your own growth.

When you need a Jekyll and Hyde

Your vibration, however, may be better served by someone who isn’t a TOTAL jerk, but is a bit higher up on the vibrational scale. This person is either mired in a low vibration, but ready to shift out of that, or has the ability to be a semi-douchebag and a reasonably nice guy, depending on the situation.

In this case, your vibration will match you up with only the side of him that matches you. You are eliciting the part of them that matches your vibration. This is always the case, by the way, not just in romantic relationships. Every interaction you have, even the most mundane, is mirroring your vibration back to you. The good news is that your vibration is quite easy to change. All you have to do is focus differently.

If you’re dealing with a Jekyll and Hyde and are changing your vibration, you’ll see drastic changes in their behavior and personality. Their jerkiness will turn into a much gentler approach. Where they weren’t ready to hear you before, they now sit down and actually listen to you. They respond easily to your shift to a higher vibration, because they’re on the cusp of such a shift as well.

This is also the person who may frequently not be available to you. If your vibration is high and they are struggling with their focus that day and aren’t a match to you, they won’t be able to come anywhere near you. Now, while this is always true for everyone (people don’t fit cleanly into these categories), this fluctuation will be more pronounced with these individuals. When you get two people together who are both trying their best to shift upwards (consciously or not), there will be days when they’re just totally mismatched. Don’t take this personally. If you’re feeling good and can’t get a hold of him, know that he will find you when his vibration allows it. Lowering your vibration by beating up on yourself for not being good enough to deserve a phone call may then make you match to him that day, but it will be a miserable match. It’s better to stay in a high place and let him follow you there.

When you need a Prince Charming

As you shift into higher and higher vibrations, your energy may well make you a match to a kind, gentle, funny, spiritual, sexy, happy dude. This will be the guy who couldn’t come anywhere near your reality as long as you were in douchebag mode and beating up on yourself.

Again, his highness will have a range of vibrations to offer you. Some will be way better than others. And while he won’t turn into a total jerk, he will still be able to show you where your vibration is at, at any given moment. You’ll still be eliciting the absolute perfect version of him to match what’s going on with you.

So, let’s say that you’re a happy, shiny puppy, but are having a “bad” day. You feel a bit grumpy and annoyed. Well, in that case, Mr. Charming may be a bit distant. Or he may even be a bit of a jerk. He won’t necessarily punch a hole in the wall, but he’s more than capable of making a comment that you could totally take the wrong way and have a meltdown over.

Where’s the cheaters at?

You may be wondering which category of the above three has the cheaters in it. Well, to be honest, it’s all three. Cheating doesn’t have a specific vibration. You can’t say that it only happens to really low vibrational people. Cheating is an activity that can represent and mirror a huge variety of frequencies and emotions. No two people experience cheating or being cheated on in exactly the same way. I’ll have to write a separate blog post on cheating, since it’s such a huge subject, but for now, my point is this:

If your resistance would be best illustrated to you by someone cheating on you, you will manifest someone who has the ability to cheat. Then, you will elicit that cheating behavior from them. Someone who does not have the ability to cheat will not make it into your reality. And that cheater you’re with, could potentially NOT cheat, if your vibration were different (or, he would have to leave).

Eliciting the version you want

So, let’s say that you’re with a jerky guy, nothing horrific, but not exactly acting the way you want him to. And, because you’ve learned that you create your own reality, you know that his behavior is simply mirroring back your vibration. It’s at this point that most LOA students will focus on changing the other person’s behavior. They will focus on the jerkiness and try and feel better about it, maybe not let it bother them as much or even make excuses for it. He’s insecure, his mother never loved him properly, he’s going through a rough patch. And while focusing on others in a way that feels truly better can work wonders, that’s usually not what’s happening in these situations.

Focusing on the other person’s actions or lack thereof, is a great way to get into self-blame. He’s a jerk because you have low self esteem. If only you didn’t have these unworthiness issues, he’d text you back. Holy crap, how awful does THAT feel?

Here’s the thing. The BIG thing. The most important thing. Seriously, write this shit down, y’all:

It’s not about THEM and what they’re DOING. It’s about YOU and how you’re FEELING.

I know, I know, you’ve heard me say this before. And I’ll keep saying it until every last one of you hears me. It’s not about their actions. It’s not even about what you’re eliciting from them. That’s merely the mirror, the message. It’s really about how you feel. But that’s the crux of it. So many people would much rather focus on anything and everything, except how they feel. That’s too damn scary.

Let’s face it. A great many women would rather focus on how they can change their behavior so that their misogynist boyfriend will be nicer to them, rather than admit that he’s never actually been what they wanted. He’s what they settled for out of fear that no one else would come along. The constant focus on his behavior and moods and what they could DO (with action) to make him change, keeps them from focusing on what they need to be looking at: their own emotional wellbeing. And make no mistake, it’s no different when the woman is the bitch and the man is trying to become self-aware.

Bottom line

Do you attract the douchebag (Doucheattraction)? Yes. Do you elicit the douchebag behavior (Douchelicitation) from someone who also has the ability to be different? Yes. But do you actually cause someone to be a douchbag (Douchetransformation)? No. If they don’t have it in them to be all douchey, then they won’t be able to make it into your reality as long as you’re giving off a douche-attracting vibe (or Douchevibe). I freaking love this paragraph!!

But remember, the way to change your vibe is not to focus on their doucheyness, or their behavior (or yours!), but rather to be honest about how you truly feel and then do whatever you can to feel better. If you can do that, Mr. Douche may turn into Prince Charming, or he may gravitate out of your reality to make room for Sir Charming to ride on into your reality. Because you are worthy of Prince Charming. You are worthy of happiness. You deserve to get what you truly want. You just have to have the courage to admit it and allow it to happen.

Douchebag out. Ha.