Awesome Dudette asks: “I know we can’t change other people but I was just wondering, is it possible to make others more open minded? My mother thinks that we should act accordingly so society does not make fun of us. I don’t get it. I try to make her understand that it’s not always important to care about what society says. I actually got nominated for homecoming queen, and my mom is not the type of parent who would be supportive of this. I really don’t know what to do at this point; I just want her to accept the fact society is not always important and accept my chance of becoming homecoming queen.”
Dear Dudette,
Yes, it’s possible to make others more open minded. But, you can’t talk them into it. You have to line up with the more open minded version of them. As you’ve discovered, trying to argue your mom into being more allowing and less afraid isn’t working. It just makes her argue back.
Why people are closed minded
It’s not that your mom doesn’t want you to be happy. She does. She’s just afraid for you. She has fears of her own, probably formed in her own childhood and teenage years, and she’s projecting them onto you. She wants to protect you from what she sees as a cruel world.
Your mom may have been made fun of as a child. Or, she could’ve simply observed and been taught by others, like her own fearful parents, to be careful. She learned that if she conformed to what others wanted, if she kept her head down, her life got a lot easier. And, she learned that if she didn’t conform, that others could be very, very cruel and cause her to feel like she wasn’t good enough. She decided that the best way, and mostly likely the only way to avoid that feeling was to conform.
She’s simply trying to save you from that feeling. She doesn’t want you to suffer. Her perspective may be based on false beliefs, but she is coming from a place of love.
Lining up with a more allowing version of others
You are in charge of one thing and one thing only: Your reality. And you use the Law of Attraction to shape that reality every moment of every day. I mention this, not to state the obvious (this is, after all, a Law of Attraction blog…), but to point out that it’s the Law of ATTRACTION, not the Law of Repulsion. You can’t push anything out of your experience. You can only pull it in. And you pull things into your experience by focusing on them.
So, if you don’t like something, don’t push against it. All you’ll be doing is pulling more of it into your reality. The more you focus on how closed minded your mom is, the more of that side of her you’ll get. The louder you get and the more vehemently you try to argue, the more she pushes right back. She becomes even more closed minded, more afraid, more stubborn. And so do you. Think about it. The second your mom tells you that you can’t do something, don’t you try all the harder to get what you want? Does her arguing with you make you more likely to see her point of view? Nope. Just the opposite.
Acceptance
Accept your mom for who she is – a human being who has fears of her own and is doing the best she can. She loves you and wants the best for you. She wants you to be happy. And you want to be happy. On this point, you’re in total agreement – you ultimately want the same thing. You just don’t quite see eye to eye on how that happiness can be achieved. But acknowledge that your mom is doing what she’s doing because she wants the best for you. Be ok with the fact that she’s afraid. Sometimes, you are, too.
Visualization
Now that you’ve softened your stance on your mom, and are no longer demonizing her and seeing her as this horrible obstacle who just wants to mess your life up, you can begin to visualize yourself going to the homecoming dance. Your mom kisses you goodbye and tells you that you look beautiful. And you do. You feel like a princess. Get into that feeling. Your dress will be spectacular. Your hair will be perfect. Your makeup radiant. See yourself smiling and laughing. Your date will barely be able to speak, having been awestruck by your beauty. Do not worry about how the dress got bought, etc., if that brings up thoughts of how you you’re your mom’s cooperation. Let the Universe take care of that part. Your job is to find a way to feel good.
And then, see yourself at the dance. Feel the excitement of it, the fun, the music, the atmosphere, the laughter. See yourself having a wonderful time, just being there. You don’t need anything more to happen. You’re gorgeous, you adore your sexy date and you’re on top of the world. And then, because you’re already there emotionally, the final cherry on top will slide right into place: they announce the homecoming queen and they say your name! You’re overjoyed and your face hurts from smiling so much. Everyone feels your happiness and joins in.
And when you go home that night, you find your mom waiting for you. And in your excitement, you tell her how wonderful it was, how incredible you feel and how everyone was happy for you. Your energy just envelops her and she can’t help but feel your joy. And in that joy, you see her relaxing. You can see the fear leaving her as she realizes that you’re ok. You are not in pain and you are not in danger. No one is ridiculing you. You are happy, which is all she ever wanted.
This visualization, if done correctly (meaning, it feels really, really good), will go a long way towards lining you up, not only with being homecoming queen, but with a softer, more agreeable version of your mother. If you focus on her fear or her manifestation of it (the arguing), you will line up with that version of her. If you focus on her being allowing and understanding and more secure in her knowledge that you will be happy and won’t get hurt, you’ll line up with that version of her. It’s your choice.
Win your mother over with your happiness
You cannot convince your mother to be more open minded. But you can win her over by achieving the goal that she wants for you, even if you do it in your own way. The goal is more important than the way, believe me. So, if you find happiness and flood that all over her, she won’t be able to help but see it and feel it. And that’s how her fear will dissolve. That’s how she’ll become more open minded. Because all she really wants for you is to be happy and not to have to suffer. So go and be happy. Don’t make your happiness dependent on her, or you’ll be doing the same thing that she’s doing – needing the other person to behave in the way you want them to so you can feel better. That never, ever works. Take yourself out of that game and just visualize yourself right into joy. You can’t argue with joy. No one can. Not even your mother. 😉
Hi Melody
I happen to have a very open-minded and supportive mother. She’s my best friend and we share a lot of things together. She even discovered the book “Secret” through a friend and told me to read it. I was already on my journey with LOA then. I was very surprised and told her that I actually secretly wished she could fencounter LOA without me telling her.
Hey Claire,
That’s great! I have an awesome mom, too, actually. We both totally lucked out. 🙂
Huge hugs,
Melody
Hi Melody,
You could probably do a whole year of blog posts on mothers… This one is awesome and really helpful. Thank you!
As I commented to Nay above, I think resolving my issues with my own mother is the key to resolving my issues with myself as a mother. It’s going to feel amazing and joyful when I finally (soon!) let go of ALL the feelings of blame and guilt. Thanks again for giving clear steps and a plan. Whew! Once again the exact right post shows up at the exact right time. Go Melody! Go LOA!
Huge hugs,
Mary Carol
Hey MC, How did you figure out you wanted to work at the animal shelter?
Thanks MC!
I’m certain that many people work out their own parental issues when they get kids. It’s a cycle… but one we can break. 🙂
Huge hugs,
Melody
Hi Nay,
That was a beautiful response. I have to say that, because if I explain some things here, you might think I didn’t listen or appreciate:
a) The negative feeling isn’t only present focus, it’s just there from something I can’t say here. But it was the worst thing that could happen to a kid. And then it snowballed and had many things happen, you only see in movies like or the worst news story or something. It wounds the heart area.
b) In real life I am considered a optimist, and I speak negatively here alot because this is a kind of therapy, and also fun for me to joke about here. I put the worst of myself here, and don’t do that in real life, so that I can be as pleasant as possible, and not complain in real life.
It’s like a diary, but slightly censored and in no way really says what is actually happening.
c) I am able to have slight “happiness” but the health interrupts. I’m not even thinking about that, it just comes up, like nearly killing me for example, so I can’t ignore that.
I look forward to seeing friends etc but have to cancel due to health. When I force myself through it, that makes things worse.
e) I did a period of what you suggested, and because I haven’t healed or really know what the roots are, it just denies everything, and it’s like there is a hole in my heart that wasn’t healed.
f) This can work, but temporary. It doesn’t last as it’s a quantum leap, I did exactly what you said many times, and moving focus from bad to good, well maybe 2 months in a whole decade was fantastic, but the fallout was huge.
Like focus positively, quantum leap self just example, you get a job or friend or whatever, and then get evicted or another friend dies.
That’s not my twisted belief, I wasn’t expecting the fallout, it just happened after pulling myself so high.
The reasons behind this are too detailed.
I have also ignored my medical condition, started believing I was healthy…then end up in hospital.
So subconsciously the subconscious is not convinced. And I don’t know how to pound the focus in on that deep, deep level.
One example was falling in love. I was so happy!!!! During the day I sung, danced, said and did positive things.
But you know what?
I had horrible nightmares!!!! So subconscious I was still disturbed. What a shock, as I genuinely felt happy.
My problem is at a level I’m not even aware of, that’s the kicker. I have even tried hypnosis to get deep down into my core.
It is soothing, but I was so annoyed, as in the hypnosis I woke up, and had teared the headphones out of my ears!
I don’t remeber doing that, and it seems there is an anxiety about being brainwashed. So it saves me and rips them out.
Thanks brain!
So I know there’s a deep healing to be done, but not sure how to reach in that deeply.
Trust me my stubborn subconscious frustrates me too.
Also because of limited earnings I’m in a egg-chicken game with health. I know I can get this or that treatment, but can’t afford.
If I want to afford, I should actually, you know, work, do more! But to do more work, I’d have to be healthier.
And to be healthier, I need some money for treatment…so it goes in a maddening loop!
And apply this health loop to any area of life “you’d be happier if you saw friends more…you will go out more when you are healthy…..etc”
I also am that person that if jumping off cliff, people would say “but she seemed so happy!”
because if I’m too ill, I tell people I’m busy….so the struggle is in silence, always looking just fine.
Alice,
Just so you know, you are wonderful to me! And no I’m not saying that to pump you up, but because you say so much of what I have felt and said and dealt with in many ways. And like you, I was always considered an optimist, but was often unhappy inside!
As you said, you have a deep seated belief that you aren’t good enough, and can’t be good enough, and it keeps coming through. You also said you have loops, like going out to feel better, but then health interfering so unable to do all the things that will make you feel better. But if you can’t be happy at home or wherever you are at, going out won’t always help. It will be a temporary fix, because it’s an inside job.
And just because inside you are messed up does not mean you can’t get passed it. It may be a sudden epiphany, or most likely a steady progress of slow changes. The healing comes from looking for good. So every time something falls apart that you ‘didn’t expect to happen,’ don’t see it as negative. I know that sounds really stupid, but you have to look at the experience or situation in another way, or think of something else, something good, as soon as you can. Like Melody told you, distract yourself in good ways, with little and simple things. If you keep having things go wrong, even though you think you are being positive, it just means your vibration hasn’t quite caught up with your new way of thinking!
And why are you struggling ‘against’ your sickness in silence?. The struggle, the denial, the pretending does you no good, just as dwelling on it does no good. It is what it is, and you are what you are. The healing will happen as you look for good despite the illness and unhappiness.
I truly didn’t believe this until it started happening for me. I started working at it, and fell often, and still have rough rides at times, but they are fading, getting less. If anyone had told me I could feel this much better just by looking for good things, I would have wanted to punch them. I get your struggle so much!!! But don’t give up. That you see all of this, and want to feel better is just the signs telling you that you are moving into a better place.
Do I have even an iota of the knowledge Melody has? Not even close. But I have the beginnings of understanding. I am seeing it happen right now in my life. I am seeing the process as I go through it, and the more I keep trying, the more that is happening. It started slow, and hasn’t sped up much, but I am seeing more, because I have changed my focus, maybe in just little ways, but it has been enough.
And as much as I am not usually mushy, I do send sooo much love to you! And I will stop now because I know you know all this, but I just want you to feel even slightly better, because it is a step. 😉
This was perfect for me. I needed this right now. I felt so proud of myself for doing positive things and trying my best despite pain. Things seemed to be going ok for my situation.
But just as that happened I discovered something quite hurtful, which made me feel like a fool. It’s too private to say here.
My heart really hurt, and I came online to find your email. It was so beautiful, and I really needed that, thank you so much.
You have inspired me to keep trying, and what an amazing thing to find that in you. 🙂
A lovely surprise, thankyou. I was moved.
Wow!! Thank you!
But remember, you will always find the answer you look for most often. And being hurt and feeling like a fool happens, but once it’s done, let it go and forget about it, or figure out how to see something good in it. I’m much better at just forgetting about it because often I can’t think of something good right away. 🙂
I understand the therapy in writing here. This is my therapy site too!
It’s frustrating therapy sometimes, as this is public, there’s the anxiety that I always over-share, but no-one knows who I am.
Then sometimes I can’t get too specific for more accurate help, because certain things would be too obvious.
Wish there were PM options to add private comments or explanations. I am really happy we could become friends. 🙂
Yeah, I’ve felt that tug of, oh crap maybe that’s TMI! But at the same time, it only matters what I think about what I write. Not, not, not ever what anybody else thinks. Anonymity or not, if it feels good to write, then do it.
But getting to hear what others think or their suggestions has been at least half of what has helped me! Sometimes I don’t like what is said, but that’s just another opportunity to look at how I feel and decide to feel better right then. It’s all practice and learning for me. And the way Melody has made this site has made it perfect for that!
Alice,
If being angry doesn’t feel good, don’t waste your time. Remember it’s all about the feelings. And I know, when I get angry at others I feel like crap!!! But remember, you can only feel bad about anger if you choose to. And ignoring it doesn’t make it better. Yes, letting anger out can make you feel a ton better when it has built up and you haven’t let it out! But if it doesn’t make you feel better, then it’s not the tool you need right now. Remember, it’s just an emotion and nothing to hate or love. Just a signal to let us know where we stand. And depression is the same thing. Nothing to hate or love, just a signal to tell us where we’re looking. You have to look for bad things to feel bad. You have to look for good things to feel good.
You focus on depression always, and yes, I know how hard it is not to see it when in the middle of it!!!! But you HAVE TO FORCE YOUR FOCUS to something else. You said you can just be cheerful and feel happy, so work on doing that as often as you can.
You can do this Alice!!! If you can be happy and cheerful sometimes, you can do it more. Forget that you are depressed. No, it doesn’t just go away right away, but you have to stop seeing it as depression, and reliving it every chance you get. You have to stop seeing your feelings as negative all the time. You have to stop thinking that you always fall back into depression. You have to stop wondering why you are always depressed. You have to stop worrying what people are thinking of you. You have to stop going down these well worn paths of negativity. You have to stop rehashing how hard things are. You have to stop seeing how everything is hard for you. You have to stop seeing everything as negative! You have to stop seeing yourself as sick and at the mercy of being sick. You have to start looking for something new to think about.
As soon as a negative thought starts, stop it, and change it to something better. ‘…I’m so tired of being depressed…wait that’s negative. Never mind…I’m happy because I peed today…’ Think of anything that can make you smile, or laugh, or relax, or be pensive in a good way, or just feel mellow. ANYTHING besides that negative thought! ‘I feel like my life is just so crappy…SQUIRREL!’
And do it often, because it does take practice for it to get easier, because you are changing a habit. That is the point of like attracts like. You are still feeing depressed or worried about anger making things worse because you always focus on the worst, and so see all of your actions leading to something negative. That’s your focus. That’s your habit. Of course nothing makes you feel better, because that’s what you expect. But if you practice looking for something different to think about, it does get easier. You do start having better thoughts, you do start having longer periods of no depression. Because you begin to have enough good thoughts to attract more.
Write a post on all the good things you want to feel. All the good things you want to feel, without a single negative allowed in it. Do it on every single blog post Melody writes. Imagine how you want to feel, no exceptions, no doubts, no buts, no wondering how. Just how you want to feel good, and write it down. Hell, do it everyday and see how long you can do it, or how much you can come up with.
And also, you have to stop feeing sorry for yourself and instead start loving yourself. Always look for ways to like yourself and like things about yourself. You’ve mentioned good things off and on in your posts, so start mentioning those things that you like all the time…all the time…all the time…all the time! Always talk about and look for what’s good.
I just want to be happy. I want to look at the day and see the fun in it. I want to get up and go to work and see fun things. I want to enjoy my shower. I want to feel how amazing I am.
Don’t let a single negative in for at least five minutes. Force your mind to work for you. You decide what you think. And if you decide to think better thoughts, you will start feeling better. And yes, it is up and down. But those ups and downs become less pronounced, and move farther apart.
I wish I had so much more for you. You have so many comments and so much that bothers you…and because that is all you talk about and all you post about, that is all that ever happens for you. Change it up, because you CAN!
Hi Nay,
That was a beautiful response. I have to say that, because if I explain some things here, you might think I didn’t listen or appreciate:
a) The negative feeling isn’t only present focus, it’s just there from something I can’t say here. But it was the worst thing that could happen to a kid. And then it snowballed and had many things happen, you only see in movies like or the worst news story or something. It wounds the heart area.
b) In real life I am considered a optimist, and I speak negatively here alot because this is a kind of therapy, and also fun for me. I put the worst of myself here, and don’t do that in real life, so that I can be as pleasant as possible, and not complain in real life.
It’s like a diary, but slightly censored and in no way really says what is actually happening.
c) I am able to have slight “happiness” but the health interrupts. I’m not even thinking about that, it just comes up, like nearly killing me for example, so I can’t ignore that.
I look forward to seeing friends etc but have to cancel due to health. When I force myself through it, that makes things worse.
e) I did a period of what you suggested, and because I haven’t healed or really know what the roots are, it just denies everything, and it’s like there is a hole in my heart that wasn’t healed.
f) This can work, but temporary. It doesn’t last as it’s a quantum leap, I did exactly what you said many times, and moving focus from bad to good, well maybe 2 months in a whole decade was fantastic, but the fallout was huge.
Like focus positively, quantum leap self just example, you get a job or friend or whatever, and then get evicted or another friend dies.
That’s not my twisted belief, I wasn’t expecting the fallout, it just happened after pulling myself so high.
The reasons behind this are too detailed.
I have also ignored my medical condition, started believing I was healthy…then end up in hospital.
So subconsciously the subconscious is not convinced. And I don’t know how to pound the focus in on that deep, deep level.
One example was falling in love. I was so happy!!!! During the day I sung, danced, said and did positive things.
But you know what?
I had horrible nightmares!!!! So subconscious I was still disturbed. What a shock, as I genuinely felt happy.
And just as a thought. You said you can be happy when you are just being your silly goofy self, smiling and dancing and humming, even though you are unhappy. So now, instead of saying ‘even though,’ just think of being your happy silly humming dancing self. You can’t act happy and be unhappy at the same time. You can switch pretty damned fast, but they both don’t happen at the same time. And if being healthy is your criteria for being happy, it won’t work. Like Abraham says, you can’t get there from here. You have to look for happy despite the illness, not only expect to be happy when everything is perfect.
So switch it from unhappy to happy as soon as you can, even if you feel like your pretending. Remember, your brain does not really know when something is imagined or real. So pretending, or imagining you are happy as often as you can, without reminding yourself that you really are unhappy, can in a sense fool the mind. And don’t think of it as fallout when you come down. It’s just a change of focus, that you can see happen without labeling it as a total disaster.
The tramas of your childhood sound horrible, and like something that just got worse and worse for you, which just sucks! So of course you feel bad at times. Stop beating yourself up for feeling bad sometimes, and then remembering why. Quite using this to say you aren’t getting better. No, you don’t have any warped beliefs. You just have habits of seeing things that happen as the worst things ever and so have decided that because they are so horrible, there is no way you can get past them with simple things like just looking for good stuff as much as possible. And sure enough, each time you start feeling a little better, something happens to prove that what you experienced is just too horrible to get past. Don’t believe that any more! Keep it simple. ‘I feel bad right now. Ok, what can I think about to feel better?’
P.S. I was molested by my stepbrother when I was 15 and was told it was my own fault. So I have my own experiences to deal with. And writing this is one of the hardest things I have ever done. It’s not for sympathy, it’s for clarity. You and I can overcome anything despite how we feel about past experiences and ourselves.
This was brave. I can trust you. Felt like less of an outsider for a second there.
Not brave! The difficulty I felt was that I no longer consider that importrant or worthy of thinking about. The past has nothing to do with me right now. NOTHING! The only time, and I mean THE ONLY TIME the past can effect me is when I think about it, dwell on it.
Another example. I was kicked out of my parents house because I didn’t have the rent money in hand and it was the 4th of the month (and the day after my birthday…if you really want to feel sorry for me. 😉 ). All my stuff was left out in the front yard when I got home from work, and no I didn’t have a vehicle or a place to go. I can think about it now and not get pissed, but before, I would get pissed and hurt and resentful. But why? It really has nothing to do with me now, or any other time!!! It does not matter, because it is done. The only way it can affect me is if I decide to think about it and see it as bad and horrible and unfair. But it’s already gone and done! It’s over. It’s past.
If I think about it and dwell and feel bad, what vibration do you think it is causing me to send out? The same vibration I was sending when it happened! Useless, and just looking for more problems! Why would I want to vibrate at that lower and sadder level? I don’t want to any more, so that thought, those memories are useless to me as far as I’m concerned. So when I remember something like that and start feeling bad, I always at some point make myself think of something better. Sometimes it takes a lot of effort, sometimes it’s easy. But I will not let myself stay there any more, because it doesn’t do anything for me.
And it is the same for you once you understand this. Really ask this question of yourself. How does the past have anything to do with this moment right now? Because there were bad experiences? Well keep thinking about them and you will have plenty of more bad experiences to go with them.
I’m learning this, and seeing it so clearly now. My past does not equal my now. And my experiences do not equal who I am. I can let them, and continue to feel horrible for things that I can’t change, or I can stop thinking about them as much as possible and look for new experiences that I like. It’s kinda scary, but I’m starting to see everything as just fine, just wonderful. And even the bad experiences are becoming something that helps me practice thinking better! 😉 Shocker, yet great too!
Be proud of yourself always, see that you can do anything, and even if you screw something up, see that you are always getting better. And know that there are a lot of people who understand how you feel, but only you can make yourself consistently feel better by consistently looking/thinking away from what makes you unhappy.
And the trust thing. I am no different than I was before you read my last post. But how YOU think of me changed for that instant. So it was YOUR THINKING that changed in that moment, not me. Which is very cool because you just showed yourself that you can change how you think about anything or anyone in an instant! All my love!!!
When I was 18, not 15!!!!
After all that, did I say thank you? Well thank you. I think things, then you notice you have to type it.
No, thank you for being so honest. Your honesty rings bells so often! Now trust yourself and what you truly want! 🙂
Melody,
To me, it is beginning to really sink in. You have to imagine your happiness in ALL things/situations, and ignore everything else when it comes to the people around you. The more I think about this, the more it seems to make sense. (Like thoughts attracting maybe? 😉 ) If you can see yourself in joy with those you love, ignoring negative past memories and the way you’ve always ‘seemed’ to see them, then you start getting more and more of the better and happier times.
I’m seeing small steps of this with my own mother. We are so much alike, which causes huge amounts of resistance in me. (Imagine that!) Her attitude in general can drive me crazy, and it can be very hard not to see her in that way, or keep rehashing something she has said or done. But I’ve started forcing myself to see her laughing, the goofy times we’ve had, the way she was so brave and faced some of her own demons in the past, how much she has done. I see her giggling crazily one night when she came home tipsy, laughing with my brother, dancing in the bowling center with us three girls… And then I go from there to imagining our next gathering, with her doing all those fun things..laughing, giggling, dancing, smiling, enjoying her children and grandchildren. The more I do this, the more open she seems to become. She doesn’t seem as angry now, or as frustrating to me, which is a huge releif!!! 🙂
But as you’ve said, it takes lots of practice. I have to do it consistently because my habit is to focus on the annoying things and rehash them over and over again. So I’m changing the habit. And yes, I have also realized that most of what drives me crazy about her, I also do…so as I change my focus on her, I change a lot in me too. I’m not as angry or frustrated about things, I’m looking for more fun, I’m laughing more.
Imagining the best is bringing me the better and better! can you say AMAZing!!!
Hey there Nay,
This is where I am confused, as like thoughts attract like thoughts in everything. In the metaphysical, to common sense and psychology.
What you focus on makes other connections in your mind like the leaves on a tree.
So I am trying to overcome depression, which will ironically have a knock on effect of solving the other things in my life I feel are contributing, mostly health as it (health) stops everything and interrupts work and play.
And from the many comments with Melody, she keeps saying to me “get angry” and I have done that, but the result was terrible.
Alone it was frustrating, as letter writing and couch punching felt empty, and pretty lame to be honest.
I didn’t feel satisfied with the inanimate objects.
So then moving to real, live targets didn’t feel that great either. Arguments and conflict are just stressful, and generally as LOA will work in that mood you just attract victim people, not the truly deserving, and the worst people to yell at. It doesn’t feel good, because that’s like a lion yelling at a helpless bunny or lamb. Which is frankly just a low move and I don’t get off on easy targets, it feels pretty low.
So then a lion yelling at another lion, feels a little better, but not a real solution to depression. Also what does anger achieve?
Once or twice after the stress of anger there was some calm, and then happiness.
But I have been able to find the same level of happiness simply by being cheerful, being myself, my silly real-life self that hums and sings no matter how sad, and has a smile most of the time and nice things to say.
It makes people laugh, gets a good reaction and this can lead to happiness in pleasant social interactions.
So without being angry I achieved moments of joy, just by being myself and seeking out other pleasant people.
But this also wasn’t a long term solution, as you are still left with depression the next day, poor health, spanners in the works.
So again the answer is “I really need to get angry” but this feels so wrong, as the few times I feel happy are result of being calm and friendly.
No-one likes a angry jerk. Actually an angry jerk will become ostracized. This will just lead to loneliness and again depression.
Especially with gender bias, as people may embrace an angry male as “sexy”, “intense” etc, but an angry female is just a jerk. It’s not really favored. I started noticing this with some social experiments when I created a male version of me online long ago on myspace (see how old! oh no, not myspace!), and he was much more respected, and had more interactions on certain topics, as I found a male form will not ruffle feathers as much.
Some writers do this when submitting work as certain names or age etc will get a better chance, because of society beliefs.
(ironically the funny thing was the way my male self is accepted makes me angry…lol, jealous of self!)
It is also unnatural for me to be angry. In my life people are shocked by it. It’s not really my style. I don’t like hurting peoples’ feelings. If I do it’s by accident or being eccentric communication style, but to really upset someone is terrible to me. It’s just the worst feeling to know you made another unhappy.
So I am confused, as I feel that anger makes me remember more and more to be angry about as like attracts like.
It could get out of hand, snowballing into a fury, saying and doing stupid things. I also feel all churned up and unpleasant when angry. Leaves me with a headache.
Essentially what I am saying, is I don’t want to be stuck in depression forever, but anger seems so destructive, obnoxious and just a good way to lose friends and get into situations where people won’t like you or become a person people will ignore as “negative”
When I felt happy, no solutions came either, and I was not healed. I just feel that I can’t see my way out.
I want to do this without feeling stressed or become an unlikable menace to others.
Hi Nay,
I’m in the same space myself, except that my mother died almost 20 years ago. So I’m trying to find happier memories than the depressing ones I’ve focused on all my life. I’ve come to the reluctant conclusion that only when I can see the human-ness of my mother as a mother (I always admired her as a person), then I will be able to release the guilt of my own mistakes as a mother.
As you say, a long process… Huge hugs, Happy New Year!
Mary Carol
Hi MC!
I am doing much better with my mother. Now my father, Im not as good with. He passed about 9 years ago, and I’m still working on things with him. SoO yes, a long process, and many areas that need the processing! 😉
And I like what you said. ‘…seeing the human-ness of him…’ is something I need to try. I haven’t thought of it in that way, but it kinda jumped out at me. Maybe I don’t see him as just a person. In fact I can already feel the change inside. WOW! Little flashes of him, some experiences, as if he were someone other than my father. Obviously I need to run with this!
Always something new to process, to look at in a new way, just for the new perspective, which so often brings abetter feeling!
Thanks MC!
Melody,
Keep up the publishing of questions from younger people! I’ve really been enjoying these ones.
For some reaosn I am thinking the Strawberry story was from Singapore, and this one…I’m not so sure..maybe America? I wonder if I’m right.
Over the age of 18-20 , there’s people getting into problems as they rent their own place, debt, jobs, sadness, lost dreams…. (imagine a dramatic tone of voice, and wistful expression, whilst putting the back of hand to forehead) a horrible condition that gets worse and you are given a life expectancy of maybe a year or so longer…lol. You know the plague that has the campy gay voice “yooo-hooo, you got the plague sista!”
They see the older ones struggle, and fall into the same pattern, adopting the issues of other people, see that life is hard, and then your life becomes hard.
I remember a friends’ parents told her she couldn’t wear the red shoes I got her because “red is too bright and draws too much attention, you want to blend in”
Well, I thought that that was the idea!
My mum felt a little snubbed by the other mum, seeing she helped me pick the shoes.
Homecoming Queen sounds like a lovely memory, take lots of photos, and enjoy yourself!
Explain to your mum that this is a once off opportunity, before going into the world of university/jobs
and that these memories cement as some of the best in life, and you can put a photo of this wonderful time in your future house, and always remember all the childhood friends.
Glad you’re enjoying the questions, Leaf.
I can’t imagine every telling a kid to blend in. Oh yuck. Besides, later in life, it’s the extraordinary ones that become super successful, not the ones that blended in. Stand out, I say!
Huge hugs,
Melody
Hi Melody
I understand the technique designs to make you feel better. But doesn’t the other person, in this case, mum, decides whether they want to be more open minded? How do you know whether they will be a cooperative component?
Hey Claire,
It’s really about your own experience. The daughter can line up with an experience where her mother cooperates with her (or at least isn’t uncooperative) or one where her mother gets in her way. She can’t really control her mother, but her experience of her mother. Remember that many different versions of people exist and we can line up with any one of them. And if an open minded version of her mother didn’t exist, then this daughter, with her clear desire for open mindedness would not have been born to her. A match to what she wants is possible. It always is. 🙂
Huge hugs,
Melody
Melody,
Your article reminds me a lot of that quote I think Ghandi said, “Be the change you want to see in the world”. Or in Dudette’s case, in what you want in your mom.
Have a great spa vacation. Happy new year!
Lauren
LOL Lauren. I love that! Be the change you want to see in your mom, he, he.
Huge hugs,
Melody
yeah, moms are moms. Many of them are afraid of what might happen to their child and sometimes this fear and negative bias cloud their judgement. Too bad they are supposed to be authority figures whose decisions influence kids.
Should the kid stay on its current vibration? Mom might become uncomfortable and she has to start the digging process. Should the kid accept bad thoughts as real and start seeing the world through her parents eyes? They will all have to start the digging process. Should the kid say nothing and allow mom to be generous? It’s more possible that the kid will take what s/he wants but the doubt that her mother could also ruin her day might stay for years. This little poison that her mother doesn’t trust her and what would have happened if she had listened to her. After all, communication has been lost. This need that the truth must be validated by everybody. And mothers are supposed to have a great value in our lives. Doubt after doubt might lead the child to draw the conclusion that if (even) a mother figure can unconsciously harm her own child, then how can she claim that she loves her child? So, if even her mother doesn’t love her then she is obviously an unlovable person who deserves nothing more than existing on this planet.
Doubt has been established in kid’s head, shame was there even before this moment (looking at everybody wearing clothes even during a hot summer), what’s next? Let’s see, what other chakras have been left unblocked?
Does this sound familiar to anybody?
Hi Tony. Sounds familiar. I’m in the process of unlearning a whole load of stuff. Your comment helps. Thanks! Happy 2013! Mary Carol
happy 2013 MC!
Sounds very familiar Tony. That’s one of the reasons this blog exists! 🙂
Huge hugs,
Melody
Sorry, can’t “wait to” read….
Thanks Debra!!
Huge hugs,
Melody
Great article, Melody! Clear and succint. I know so much about LOA but seem to need constant reminders, and can’t read what you have to say on a subject! :o)