Awesome Emily wants to know: “I understand to find your soul mate you have to be a vibrational match to your partner.  I still don’t understand how it can, in life, seem so one sided.  For example, how can you feel such a burning, strong attraction to another person and have them not return those feelings whatsoever? What are you feeling if you aren’t in fact a mutual vibrational match?”

Excellent question, Emily! I’m happy to answer it at length (ha!). So, strap yourself in, here we go:

You get what you attract, not what you want

While it’s true that you’re supposed to get everything you want, you don’t necessarily (much to the chagrin of all humans, everywhere, for all time). That’s because you don’t manifest what you want; you manifest what you are a vibrational match to.

When you’re a vibrational match to something, you will feel a sense of resonance with it, a recognition. So far so good. And, if that something isn’t a match to what you want, you might get really frustrated or angry or sad about it. But, if you understand LOA, you’ll realize at some point that it’s a good thing that you’ve attracted this situation you don’t want into your reality, because it’s showing you where your vibration is actually at, versus where you want it to be. And you can use this information to re-attune yourself to what you want (i.e., focus on what you want, instead of on what you don’t want).

But what about if something that seems to match what you want comes in and then doesn’t work out?

Let me make something very, very clear: If there is a vibrational match, the manifestation will come about. You won’t be able to stop it. So, if you are truly and completely, and 100% a match to what you want, you will get what you want. If you are not currently getting exactly what you want (or something even better), you are not a 100% match to what you want. Period.

So, if you have attracted a man who seems like he’d be perfect for you and you have developed feelings for him, but he doesn’t seem to feel the same way, then you are not currently a match to what you want. You’re a match to something else, specifically, to what you’ve actually manifested.

He’s not the one

While this man you’re attracted to may or may not have the ability to become a match to what you want, it’s better to work off the assumption that he might not be, and stay open to all possibilities. This is because working off the assumption that he is the one, which is what you’re currently doing, often causes us to determine that he MUST be the one (instead of he COULD be the one), which pinches off energy.

Whenever we decide that what we want has to come to us in a specific way, we close off all the other avenues through which it can come. We actually shut down the energy flow, which is very, very painful. Incidentally, we also pinch off the energy flow if we decide that what we want can’t come to us in a certain way (like deciding that we want money, but it shouldn’t come to us through our parents). In other words, whenever we try to control HOW what we want comes to us in any way, we slow down or “resist” the energy flow. And that causes negative emotions.

Unrequited love

When someone comes into your reality who matches a lot of what you want, we feel the resonance of all the points in which they already match what we want, and we get excited. Our emotions soar. So far, nothing has gone wrong.

But then… we decide that he must be “the one”, that he must be a match to EVERYTHING we want, and we latch on to the idea that this is it, we’ve made it, the long and lonely wait is finally over. No, we introduce the element of NEED into the equation. We desperately want him to be the one, we can’t conceive of the idea that he might not be. If not him, then who? Why not now? How freaking long is this going to take, anyway? What if it never happens? No, it must be him. He’s here now, and it’s just GOT to be him. Also, no one has ever come closer to matching what we want. We can’t possibly do better than this. Sure, we don’t know everything about him, but he seems bloody perfect, and so he probably is, right? Oh God, what if this is our last chance? What if no one even remotely as good as this ever comes along again? It HAS to be him, dammit! Do you feel the desperation oozing from these words? That, my dear, is not alignment. That’s negative emotion.

Unrequited love hurts. It hurts because you’re holding on to a point of view that isn’t serving you. And when you’re close to manifesting what you want, when you were already almost aligned with it and you had massive momentum going and you were so close that you manifested a specimen that was almost a perfect match, and you THEN turn around and contradict that energy, well, it’s a bit like trying to stop a wrecking ball in full swing. It’s gonna hurt, y’all.

Stop resisting what you want

If you and he aren’t happening, then you’re not entirely a match to what you want. Look at this man. What do you like about him? Loads, I’ll bet. Is there anything you don’t like about him (other than that he’s not as cooperative as you’d like him to be)? What would you like instead (example: a man who’s as crazy about you as you are about him). If you can see this man for who he is in your reality, as someone who has come into your world to show you where your vibration is currently at and help you to fine tune it, and if you can let go of the idea that it MUST be him, and could potentially be someone else, and then create a positive expectation (look forward to the relationship you are creating, as if it’s a done deal that it will happen), you will continue to align more and more with what you want.

But you have to let go of the idea that this particular guy has to be it. You don’t get to determine that. You can want it to be him, but you can’t NEED it to be him. You have to be ok with the idea that someone even better could come into your reality.

Focus on the qualities, not the guy

This guy is a representation of energy. Yes, people are energy, too. And so, you’ve manifested a representation of qualities that you’re currently a match to. Any quality that isn’t yet the way you like it is an opportunity to fine tune. This includes the quality of him wanting you back. If you can focus on the qualities rather than the guy himself, you’ll get some detachment (i.e. become less needy), which will make it much easier for you to align with what you want.

But, what tends to happen in these situations is that we see the man’s refusal to like us back as a rejection, and a judgment of our worthiness. We begin to blame ourselves for not being good enough in some way, and may even begin to try and change ourselves so that he’ll like us more. We focus on what actions we can take to make THIS MAN love us. But that’s a bit like giving away your two kids so that your family will fit into a two-seater sports car. You’ve decided that this car is the car for you, since it has so many of the features you want. Never mind that there are some fundamental issues. Who cares! It’s this car or nothing! After all, cars are hard to find these days.

Where are all the good men?

I know it can seem like there aren’t that many awesome men out there. We’re bombarded with man hating messages all day, which pretty much guarantees that we meet up with tons of douchebags. I’m continuously surprised by how acceptable it is to beat up on men, describe them to be caveman-like idiots who, at best, become like another toddler to take care of after we marry them (and aren’t they lucky when we do?). Hell, even men make fun of themselves for their simplicity (bad, BAD idea, guys)! Oh yes, and while we’re at it, all men only want sex and the only reason they ever enter into a relationship is to get laid on a regular basis. They’ll say and do anything to trick you into the sack, and then you’re stuck with them, all because you wanted love. They have no emotions beyond hunger, horniness and sleepiness. They’re basically sex crazed babies, whom women, in their infinite goodness and virtuous quest for love, frequently fall victim to. Any of this sounding familiar?

I’ve met just as many needy, manipulative women as I have men who were true douchebags. The crazy goes both ways, ladies. The grand majority of men are nice, honest guys, who have just as many emotions as women do. They’ve simply been taught not to express them as freely. They want love just as much as women do. And while they love sex (as do women, by the way!), they’d much rather wait until their partner is just as ready for it as they are, than make love to someone who isn’t really into it (think about it – who the hell wants to schtupp a lifeless sack of potatoes?)

There are plenty, and I do mean PLENTY of awesome men out there. But you can’t find them while you’re chanting:

1. All men are assholes
2. All the good ones are taken
3. I only meet douchebags
4. It’s hard for me to find good men at my age (all the men my age are dorks)
5. Lists of how men suck in various ways (why cucumbers are better than men, why men are useless, etc.)
6. Insert favorite man-hating joke here

Honestly, start listening to the language you use about men and your chances of finding love. How many of them are limiting and negative? How many are supportive and positive? Here are a few positive beliefs you’d be better off adopting:

1. There are plenty of men
2. If I’m honest about it, I actually know some pretty great men (think of all the men you know, even the taken ones, or those that don’t qualify as romantic partners)
3. There are plenty of good ones left. Otherwise, no one would be getting married anymore (do you really think ALL those women are settling??)
4. I’ll bet that somewhere there’s a group of amazing men wondering where all the great women are at
5. I love men
6. Men are awesome

Bottom line

I know it’s hard to let go of the idea that a man you have major feelings for might not be the one. But the only reason that’s so painful is if you tie your desire for love to that specific man. If you do that, then letting him go will feel awful, because you’ll be trying to let go of your chances for love at the same time. Instead, understand that love is on the way, an awesome match is on the way, and that anything that isn’t yet right about this manifestation, including that he should absolutely adore you, is simply an indicator that you’ve got some fine tuning to do. He’s the showroom model (yep, I’m back to car metaphors), which doesn’t necessarily have all the features you want, but which you can use to fine tune your list. The fact that he isn’t yet perfect is NOT an indication that the final model isn’t coming. And yes, it is possible that as you align with what you truly want, that this particular man could become a match to you and begin to like you back. You can stay open to that scenario; just don’t get locked into the idea that he has to be the one. Line up with what you want, and it MUST come into your experience. If you aren’t getting what you want, you’re not quite aligned yet and have some fine tuning to do.