We all have it – the fear of rejection. From the moment we’re born, we’re trained by our parents to seek their approval. If we’ve done something cute, we get a big smile and a tickle. If we’ve done something annoying, we get a frown, a raised voice or even no attention at all. Since babies are generally always cute no matter what they do, we get a lot of positive feedback in the beginning. But, as we grow up, we tend to become more annoying to those around us, and so disapproval sets in. When we’re no longer guaranteed to get approval, we begin to seek it. We do our best to conform to expectations, behave in the “right” way and please others so they will approve of us. And if they don’t, we feel like there’s something wrong with us.
This is how most of us have grown up. And it’s how most people still live. The fear of rejection is one of the most limiting beliefs there is. It keeps people from stepping into their own power. It stops them from asking for a raise, asking someone to dance, and having tons of fun (one could look ridiculous, after all!) Today, I’m going to call bullshit on this fear and offer you a different perspective on what rejection really is. By the end of this post, you should be ready to take on the world. So, you know, just in case you’ve already got plans, consider yourself warned.
No one can reject you
That’s right, I said it. And yes, I’ll explain it. We live in an attraction based Universe (i.e. like attracts like, you cannot repel anything, you can only attract or not), and anything that’s in our reality is only there because we attracted it. If there’s anything missing in our world, it’s only ever because we haven’t attracted that thing by becoming a match to it. This is true for all material things as well as all experiences.
We attract with our energy or our vibrations, which are a result of whatever frequencies we are focused upon. So, when you focus on awesomeness and fun, your world will mirror that back to you and be filled with loads of awesome, fun people, experiences and things. If your world is not filled with awesomeness and fun, it’s because you’re focused on something else. Often, what your world is mirroring back to you (your manifested, physical reality), is your only clue as to what’s going on with your vibration. You may not realize that you’re focusing on something you don’t want until it shows up in your reality. Of course, you do have the early warning system of your emotions, but if unwanted stuff has shown up in your reality, then you’ve missed the signals. Not to worry, though, it’s never too late to change your focus.
Now, if everything in your reality is only there because you’ve invited it in, then it stands to reason that any rejection you may experience has been attracted to you BY you. But why the hell would you do that?
The anatomy of rejection
Whenever you get rejected or disapproved of by someone and it feels bad, it means that you currently hold a belief about yourself that really, really isn’t serving you. Let’s say that you want a raise, but you don’t truly believe that you’ll get one. Perhaps you don’t think you’re good enough, or don’t feel that others think you’re good enough (which means that a part of you doesn’t believe you’re good enough). You may have beliefs about how hard it is for you to get a raise (the economy is bad, your boss is an asshole, you haven’t been in the company long enough, your boss is an idiot, etc.) that can play a part as well, but if you experience real pain at the thought of your boss saying “No”, then you have a negative belief about yourself. Beliefs about the economy may not serve you, but they don’t lead to the same kind of suffering that personal rejection brings.
So, let’s say that a small but significant part of you is afraid that maybe, just maybe, you really aren’t good enough at what you do to warrant a raise. You don’t deserve it. And yet, there’s this other part of you that thinks “I’ve worked really hard. Logically, I know that I totally deserve a raise.” You want a raise, and most of you thinks you should get one, but that little part of you that’s contradicting what you want is creating a lot of conflict. And this causes pain. The mere thought of asking for this raise fills you with dread. You’d rather not ask at all than face the chance of your boss saying “no”.
So what if he says “no”?
Let’s dissect this fear for a moment. You ask for a raise and your boss says “no”. So freaking what? Why does the thought of this “rejection” hurt you so much? What exactly does this say about you to you? Generally speaking, if the rejection hurts, it’s validating the belief that you’re not worthy of that raise. This is an ugly, ugly thought.
But is your boss’ decision really about YOU? Sure, you attracted an experience that proved your belief right, so you manifested the feeling you just experienced, but it’s also worth looking at the other side – your boss’ perspective. Rejection takes two parties. One who does the rejecting and one who gets rejected. You’ve probably spent a whole lot of time looking at the ugly side of being the rejectee, and very little on dissecting your beliefs about what’s happening in the mind of the rejector (yes, I’m making up words now. It’s called poetic license. Shaddap.)
When you feel rejected, you’re invariably assuming that the other person has rejected YOU. Not your performance, not your abilities, not your skill set, not anything ABOUT you, but YOU, who you are, your character, your personality, what makes you, you. And that’s why it hurts so much. But is that actually what happened?
Does your boss know YOU?
Does he know Who You Really Are? Does he know the authentic YOU, the one who is pure love and passion and enthusiasm? Or, does he know only the side of you that you’ve been willing to show him, defensive mechanisms and all? Have you ever shown up to work as the real YOU, or have you been protecting yourself? Do you love your job or are you only there for the money and security, totally in denial about how horrible you feel? If this is how you’re showing up for work, then your boss doesn’t know YOU. And if your boss doesn’t know YOU, he cannot reject YOU.
Can your boss know YOU?
Of course, we have to consider that your boss has a vibration, as well. He can only allow whatever is a match to his vibration into his reality. That means that he sees only what his own, personal filters will allow him to see. Even if you’re being totally authentic, he cannot perceive the full glory that is YOU, unless he’s being fully authentic, as well (and if you’re at the point where you and everyone around you is fully authentic, then you really don’t need blog posts like this one anymore). Once again, if your boss doesn’t know YOU, he cannot reject YOU.
What people are really rejecting
If your boss is rejecting “you”, he’s really rejecting whatever he is perceiving. We’ve already established that he’s not perceiving YOU, since you’re probably not showing it to him and he wouldn’t be able to see it, even if you did. In other words, it’s like someone took a picture of your big toe, ran it through Photoshop and distorted it, and then showed it to your boss and said “You like this one?” If that happened and he rejected the pic, would you take it personally? Would you see that distorted, limited view as being a perfect representation of everything you are and are capable of? Or would you understand that your boss saw what he wanted to see, what he was capable of seeing, which had NOTHING to do with Who You Really Are, and made his decision off of that scanty and inaccurate and completely biased info? You’d have to be pretty damn insecure if you still took that crap personally.
Everyone does the best they can
I’d also like to add that everyone is ALWAYS doing the best they can, from their own perspective. Your boss doesn’t want to do a bad job. He’s not there to hurt you. He has his own problems, his own perceptions, his own perspective. He’s moving towards his own goals. And all of these variables will be different from yours. He does not have the same perspective that you do. He does not have the same beliefs and therefore perception that you do. He doesn’t have the same goals as you (other than the core goal that we all share, which is to be happy). But he does want to feel good, just like you do and whatever decisions he makes, whatever behavior he offers, will be in line with that, given all those other variables. He may not make the decision you want him to make, but I promise you, given all of those criteria, his decision had absolutely nothing to do with YOU.
But, Melody, I still didn’t get what I wanted!
So, we’ve established that the only reason rejection hurts so much is because you think YOU’re being rejected. We’ve also established that another person cannot ever really reject YOU, since they can’t ever fully know the real YOU, and that even if they did, the variables that go into their decisions are not the same as yours, and so their decisions will never really have anything to do with you.
But, you may be thinking, that’s all great and good, only you still didn’t get the freaking raise!
Well, Grasshopper, were you a match to the raise? Were you more focused on WHAT you wanted and on lining up with that, or were you more focused on WHO had to give it to you and why they might not? Be honest. Remember that your boss is simply a conduit (not THE conduit) through which money can flow to you. But the amount of money that flows to you is your manifestation, not his; and no one can manifest in your reality. Whether or not you manifest more money has absolutely NOTHING to do with your boss. If he’s not a match to making the decision that will bring more money to you, then the Law of Attraction will find another conduit, one willing to let the energy of money flow to you through them.
Stop making other people responsible for your manifestations.
- Your boss is not responsible for how much money you manifest
- Your parents aren’t responsible for how much emotional stability you have
- That cute guy you want to doink is not responsible for how much love you allow into your life
- No one is responsible for how you feel about yourself
- You’re still laughing at the word “doink”, aren’t you?
There is no such thing as rejection. There’s only you, the center of your own little Universe (NOT the center of anyone else’s Universe!), attracting whatever you’re a match to. Others aren’t responsible for providing you with your manifestations, and if they refuse to, it’s got absolutely nothing to do with you. You get what you’re a match to. You are a match to whatever you’re focused upon. If you’re not getting what you want, you’re not focused on what you want. Hating the person who refused to defy the laws of the Universe and give you something you’re not a match to, won’t change that.
So, stop focusing on the HOW or the WHO, and get focusing on the WHAT. Because you get to have what you want. You deserve it. You should have it. The whole Universe is set up on the premise that you get to have what you want. It wants to give it to you! Are you ready? Are you? This is going to be so damn awesome! Fear of rejection? What fear of rejection?! Go get ‘em Grasshopper! Rawr!
This is one very inspiring post! It only goes to show that we are the author of our own story and we should not depend on others. We can and should do things our own way to the best of our ability and capability.
Brilliant pic! Just clicked through from a post you put on another site, and this had me laughing out loud (refuse to put lol) 🙂
If rejection often comes that don’t means u will be rejected throughout life. Its like people who show you rejection never deserve you. Better spread smiles and interact more with people who gives positive vibes. Feel the fear, take few deep breaths and ask anyway. If the person says no, ask someone else. If he says no, ask yet another person. Moderate persistence is key to having the life you want instead of the life that fell into your lap.
Wow, this post helped me so much!!! I love viewing rejection as simply a mismatch in vibration and I especially love seeing people/experiences as “conduits” to our desires. As an actor, it’s less damaging on my ego to realize that that particular job or agent or casting director is not THE conduit for me at the time and that there are other opportunities better fit for me to accomplish my goal. I merely didn’t attract a “yes” experience, for whatever reason. But that’s not a bad thing! And at the very least, it’s a mirror to show me that I still need to work on my vibe or focus better, right? It will come eventually 😀
P.S. I have a question relating to this: I want to move away from LA, but I still want to pursue acting until I reach 30 (my personal deadline). My fiance lost his job a week ago (I’m sure we both manifested it, but for different reasons), giving us the opportunity to finally move and be adventurous in a new environment/new city. I have conflicting feelings though because I still really want my movie star dream to come true and I’m not ready to give that up IF there’s a possibility that it’ll actually fiinally happen. Now I know that LOA says you shouldn’t control the HOW. According to everything I’ve gleaned from your blog, if I focus on becoming a movie star I should be able to achieve that whether I’m in Alaska or Kansas, correct? But I’m obviously shrinking if not cutting off my chances completely by moving away from Hollywood right?
I’ve been trying to use LOA to help me make the right choice, but I still feel both positive and negative emotions about each path! How do I make the “right” decision clear?
Hi Melody great post. I have a query…during my last relationship everything was going great for a long time while i was feeling confident and good about myself. However over time i started doubting my worth and soon began to feel unworthy and low in confidence. During this time my ex then became distant and eventually we broke up. In your post to Dominique you said, You were no longer compatible, but you held on, even though there were loads of bad feeling signs. This is what happened me but were the bad feelings brought on myself and not to do with him? Did i manifest the break up by the way i was feeling? or was there something else? your thoughts would be appreciated. thank you. xo
Hi Melody, Lovely Lady!
Your comment about authenticity strikes me as both true and deeply profound. If we flip rejection on its head, as you’re suggesting, we can see that our authentic self can never feel rejected. Only authenticity can match with authenticity. So a simple path to the goal of not feeling rejected is to be who we are, without our normal daily masks. Simple but not easy!
Being my real self, and seeing the real self of others, their inner golden baby!, is a goal that to me feels more do-able than to try to peel away layers of unhelpful beliefs. As Yeats said, “There’s more enterprise in walking naked.”
I wanted to let you know that your metaphor of sitting in a round room and imagining opening all the doors around the walls is working like gangbusters for me. Last week a movie deal, yesterday an amazingly supportive friend, today mega downloads on Amazon. Let the doors swing open, and it’s astonishing what waltzes in!
Very good post – very, very clear (thank you Melody). Very, very crisp and articulate – very good brain food. So why am I thinking ‘mmmm something not quite sitting right with me about it …. when it comes to love’. I’m getting that there’s no such thing as rejection of me, but loving someone does make what the beloved says and think very, very significant. Ridiculously significant! So much so, that I don’t think I would EVER be able to not feel rejected (acute pain mixed with acute embarrassment) within this context. The rest of the world can do its worst and I don’t think I would feel a thing, but the ‘lurve’ thing is different isn’t it? Perhaps I’m going to have to think about this for a while until I get the LOA ‘ah ha’ moment 🙂
In that case, Dominique, I’d dig into the specifics of the incident. If someone you love leaves you, I promise you there’s a reason. You were no longer compatible, but you held on, even though there were loads of bad feeling signs. You probably can’t clear those kinds of events without digging down into them a bit. But remember: Don’t be crossing any bridges you haven’t come to. Imagining painful hypothetical situations serves no one.
Thank you wise lady 🙂 – you got me interested now in the ‘digging down to clear events’. I wonder … would that mean going down the vibrational scale before going up again? You got me thinking again …
Shiny smiles 🙂
Dominique’s question is interesting when our fear of rejection comes to love and relationships. There’s no doubt that the person I loved left for a good reason. But we originally met under wonderful circumstances. And now that we have been apart for quite some time, I am ‘cleaning up’ up my vibration and have greatly improved my life. I don’t feel like I am placing the responsibility or power of my positive manifestations on another, but I have continued to feel a deep down connection to this person (despite every attempt to completely ‘let go’). So, if we feel deep connection and our vibration and life circumstances have greatly changed for the better, is it it our best interests to attempt to reconnect? I know that only my fear of rejection though has held me back so far.
Good points Alysse. I have seen this happen many times with former loves of friends. Many cases such as this. Just thought I’d add it here!
100% relating to this Alysse, and in a similar situation. All the wisdom, theory and knowledge in the world doesn’t make it any easier to decide what’s the right thing to do. I’m not sure whether the situation is demanding ‘courage’ from us or ‘acceptance’. A lot of energy gets used up though doesn’t it, trying to figure it out. As I said earlier, the rest of world can do its worst – I have no problem with making all those decisions, but the big matters of the heart are much harder. Perhaps we’re giving it too much weight because of not getting it right before and now we realise how important it all was? I’m still hoping the LOA, which now guides my decision-making, will provide me with the answer or direction I’m looking for. The rejection thing is the killer. My thoughts are with you 🙂 xx
These last two posts of yours Melody confirm what I’ve always suspected…you’re a mind reader.
The question I learned to ask myself donkey’s years ago, especially when something appeared in my world that had me saying WHAT…was simply what do you want? And then keep my focus on that…and if I lost it and went back to the woe is me place…same question again…and sometimes again and again and…you get the picture.
According to me, there’s no such thing as rejection. Even if it does, the sky won’t fall. I’m always prepared for the worst and THAT helps me keep the fear of rejection miles away.
Thanks for the brilliant post Melody!
As only Melody can do , shoot straight from the hip , great post loved it.
And just how did you know I was laughing when you said doink ? have you got one of those reality screen thingys that allows you to perve on people all over the place , okay then there’ll be no more parading around in the nuddy for this little grasshopper (& you can burn that photo of me you have hanging on your bedroom wall)
Now to more serious stuff – are you available for hire ? I’d like you to sit on my right shoulder so that when that little prick who sits on the left one opens his negative mouth again you can tell him to take his comments and shove em where the sun don’t shine , that way I can have a fantastic time laughing as I listen to you two shouting your obsenities at each other.
I used to feel rejected a lot (mainly from women) until I realised just who I am , now if the feeling ever surfaces again I just say to myself “silly bitch , she doesn’t realise she just rejected the best thing that could ever happen to her – NEXT !!!”
“you can burn that photo of me you have hanging on your bedroom wall”
Good start John. I’d change the “silly bitch” to “She must not have been the one I wanted. Thank goodness the Universe kept me from having an experience I wouldn’t have liked.”
You know… since pushing against the bitches just keeps them around. 😛
Reading this after some very lovely dreams! Really nice! We need to focus on the fact that it will all work out. And yes, still laughing at the word doink. That was a good one!
Oh I needed this today. I am applying for jobs (our company is going under) and it is usually hard not feel just a little ‘rejected’ with every NO. I am going to print this out and keep reading it, over and over! Thank you!!