Awesome Jan asks: “I have noticed a couple of times in my life where I had a feeling something bad was going to happen and then it did. Once a girl told me I jinxed it (like I set it up to happen) but that made me wonder if I just sensed it with intuition, rather than manifested it like she suggested.

I have gotten to the point where when I sense bad things on the horizon, I try to really stay positive and picture a positive outcome rather than a negative and it seems to be helping me but what really concerns me is my friend’s death. My best friend passed recently and it is so strange but I have thought for years that this would happen. I didn’t know how but I just picked up on it in many different ways.

In addition to this he was a very pessimistic type of person and I have come to the conclusion that it was a co-manifestation where my fear of abandonment was reflected back to me and for him he was just not happy in this life and was very disconnected from source energy. My dear friend was so wonderful but also very intense. He was a creator, wood-worker and mechanic. He had impeccable style and a one-of-a-kind sense of humor. But when he was unhappy, it was just heart-wrenching to witness. He has knots all over his body, I think the last count was 22; he lost his hair because he would pick at himself constantly, in a very tense and agitated way. I tried to explain the importance of his emotions but it didn’t help. He once told me that after arguing over a phone bill with the phone company that he felt fire in his stomach. He died of stomach cancer roughly two years after that.

I miss him deeply and have been struggling with the idea that I helped to manifest his death, or if I was intuitively aware of his situation.”

Dear Awesome Jan,

Thanks so much for asking this important question. You’re giving me the opportunity to explore the topic of co-creation at a whole new level, plus talk a little about what premonitions really are and how to handle them.

Can you prevent someone’s death?

Before we get into the whole death thing (and yes, I’m being deliberately flippant since there is no such thing as death), let me put your mind at ease about the fact that you kind of “knew” his transition was coming. When you have a premonition, you are being given a little preview of what’s to come. It’s a bit like being given a pair of binoculars, so you can see what you’re heading towards. Now, as I’ve written about before, your future is not set in stone. You can change your vibration and therefore your point of attraction (and therefore your reality) at any time. So, if you have the feeling that going down that dark alley is going to get you robbed, you can change your vibration (by doing whatever it takes to feel safe, including not going down that alley) and therefore, change the outcome of what’s about to happen to you. But, what does this mean when it comes to other people’s actions, experiences or departure from the physical? Could you have prevented your friend’s death by focusing differently?

I’m not going to beat around the bush on this one: No. You could not have prevented your friend’s death by focusing differently, by praying, doing a rain dance, finding him alternative treatment, singing him the “Soft Kitty” song, or getting him to read some Law of Attraction books. Death is a manifestation, it is not a punishment. It is a means to an end. This means that your friend’s death was HIS manifestation, not yours. You cannot create in someone else’s reality. You cannot force people to change, to be happy, to love you, to feel better or to stay alive. You cannot force them to take the path you’d like them to take, even if you know that doing so would make them feel better. It’s their path, their life, their creation, and it’s perfect for them.

No one gets to tell you how to live your life (they can try, but it won’t work). Think about it: how much pain have you created in your own life because you stubbornly held to a certain belief? How many times have you worried yourself sick, or pushed against a douchebag boss, or painfully obsessed over some guy who wasn’t interested? Now, let me ask you this: How many times did someone saying “Just let it go. You’ll feel better” help you, especially when you were still mired in “I hate him!” or “But, he’s THE ONE!”? Your answer is probably “none”. That’s because these experiences were perfectly orchestrated to help you shift the beliefs that caused them. They were YOUR experiences, based on YOUR beliefs and even though they may have looked unnecessarily painful from the outside (“Why do you insist on doing this to yourself?”), they were exactly as painful as you required them to be. This is a rather large point which requires more elaboration, so for a full explanation of the concept of growth through pain, please refer to this post: Are You Using The Cattle Prod Method Of Growth?

Death is just another manifestation like that. It’s not good or bad, it’s a way to move forward. It can be full of resistance and painful or it can be gentle and pleasant. And when someone’s path of least resistance (the easiest way for whatever they are manifesting can come to them) happens to be death, and they are lining up with what that death will bring them (the stuff they experience after they die), then there’s nothing anyone can do to stop them from biting the big one. This doesn’t mean that you have to “give up” on anyone who is ill (often, the illness is the manifestation that will allow them to make a shift, and then they recover). Just know that if they do kick the bucket, they were always going to.

Events vs. your experience of them

So, now that you know that your friend’s death was always part of his path, let’s look at why you might’ve “sensed” that it would happen. What could possibly be the purpose of that?! Well, it wasn’t just to freak you out. Or actually, it kind of was… Let me explain that. You see, there’s HUGE, fundamental difference between events – the stuff that happens, and your experience of those events – how they affect you. Your premonition of your friend’s transition wasn’t there so you could find a way to prevent his death. Like I said, that was always going to happen. But why did you line up with that experience? Why did you happen to manifest a friend who was going through so much suffering and then transitioned?

Well, since every manifestation is perfectly designed to not only mirror your vibration back to you but also help you to shift it, then it stands to reason that this manifestation – your experience of your friend’s illness and death, was there to help you. You stated that you have abandonment issues. This would’ve been mirrored back not only by the fact that your friend died, but by the way in which you experienced his death. You probably also have beliefs about NEEDING to help others, causing you pain when you can’t, which would’ve been reflected back to you by your experience of your friend’s illness and “unwillingness” to think more positively. Lastly, you almost certainly have some really painful beliefs around death, it being unnecessary, it being a tragedy in people under a certain age, it being horrible and sad and a kind of failure of life, etc. Again, the way in which you experienced your friend’s death is your clue as to what was being mirrored back.

The opportunity of a premonition

The fact that you had premonitions of your friend’s passing was not actually a foreshadowing of his death, but rather of how you would experience it. There would’ve been no reason for you to know that he was going to transition, other than to warn you that the event would be exceedingly painful to you, because of the beliefs you were holding, so that you could shift those beliefs and therefore save yourself further pain. You were given an opportunity to make peace with the event before it happened. Your premonitions were there to help you. And yes, freaking out about an impending death is kind of helpful, if you know to pay attention, notice the freak out and ask yourself if that’s the best feeling reaction you have access to. The freak out is your message that you might want to clean up your belief system.

This is essentially the same scenario as when someone lapses into a prolonged coma or dementia before they die. They are giving their loved ones time to process the impending “loss” and prepare themselves. This way, the death isn’t as big of a shock to their systems when it happens. The idea here is not to spend weeks or months in prolonged suffering for the person who isn’t even aware of their physical self anymore (they’re already playing on the other side, with minimal focus being directed to their physical body, just enough to keep it alive). The point of this drawn out departure is to allow all those involved to make peace with the fact that his person is going to die, and find a perspective that allows each of them to feel better about that (and, as is often the case, resolve conflicts within themselves that involve or are represented by the comatose person).

Telling you to find a better feeling perspective sounds weird when we’re talking about death, I know, but think about it: we’re all going to die. Never mind that it really isn’t any kind of end, and that our lives very much go on after we leave the physical (it’s really just a shift to a different frequency. We’re still around), but how is it even remotely helpful to be in that much pain about someone dying? How does it help them or us? How does it honor our life or theirs? Isn’t it better to find a way to make peace with the entire subject?

Connecting with your friend

I realize that you miss your friend. He was a big and very important part of your life, and quite a catalyst for your own growth. Here’s the thing: he’s still here. It’s just that in your current state of focus, you’re not aware of him. You can, if you like, learn to connect with your departed friend. Here are some tips on how to do that:

• Stop lamenting his death. Seriously. He’s totally over it, so you should be, too.
• Stop focusing on how much pain he was in or on how he “refused” to feel better. This is the version of him that he left behind. He was full of resistance in the physical, but he dropped all of that pain and anguish and need to fight when he died. Now, he’s all about allowing and playing and joy. If you want to become a match to who he is now, you’ll have to stop remembering him for all the stuff he no longer is.
• Focus on the best parts of him, how he made you laugh, how he inspired you. Remember the times when he was well, when he shone, when you saw Who He Really Is poking through. This is the version of him that most closely resembles who he is now. He’s happy. He’s not afraid. He’s not in pain. So when you remember him during his happy, passionate, switched on times, you’re attuning yourself to the frequency that he now inhabits. When you attune to the frequency of his pain, you’re nowhere near him.
• This is going to sound like a paradox, but basically, the more you miss him, the less chance you have of connecting with him. The happier you are for him, the better your chances are. How can you be happy for him? Well, focus on his joy, and appreciate the fact that he gets to feel that, times a thousand, all the time now. This isn’t just about the idea that he’s now no longer suffering. It goes beyond that. It’s focusing on the idea that he is now HAPPY, giddy, playful, and manifesting everything he’s ever wanted.
• Finally, make sure that you don’t NEED him or his communication in order for you to be ok. When you need something so that you can be happy, you are ensuring that you won’t get it. You’re basically telling the Universe “I am not happy now. I will be happy if this thing happens, but I am not happy NOW.” And, since all your power is in the NOW, you can’t manifest something that will make you happy NOW while being unhappy NOW. Take care of your own vibration and go on with your life. Don’t put it on hold because your friend is gone. Don’t miss him so much that it impacts your own happiness. As you find ways to let light and joy back into your life, you’ll move towards the place where you will be able to rendezvous with him.
• Ask for and look for signs of communication from your friend. Keep in mind that these communications will be meaningful for YOU, not necessarily for anyone else. If you need the messages to come in a way that will prove to others that you really are communicating, you’re probably going to be disappointed. You may see animals behaving in strange ways, messages on billboards, or have a conversation that seems really important, but no one else will seem to notice. For example, my grandmother had a fly in her kitchen for years. It was always just one house fly and it kept her company. Although we knew it was biologically impossible, we liked to joke that it had been the same fly the entire time. Well, after she passed, I found it impossible to kill house flies. They reminded me of her. Not only that, but when I sit on my terrace working on my tan, I’m often visited by one fly. Just one. It’ll crawl around on my leg or arm for a bit, like it’s saying hello, and then leave. This is a meaningful exchange for me, while anyone else would just consider it a random fly.
• When you get an inkling that something has meaning, DO NOT dismiss it! Assume that your inkling is correct. Taking this stance will allow the messages you get to become stronger until you may even find yourself having a full blown conversation with the deceased (don’t expect that to happen right away. You’ll probably have to work up to it).

Bottom line

You didn’t bring about your friend’s death, but there were many valuable lessons involved in that experience. Your premonitions weren’t there to warn you so that you could prevent his death, but so you could change your experience of his transition when it happened. THIS is your manifestation – your experience. Now, before anyone out there reads this and thinks that what I’m saying is that bad stuff is just going to happen around them and the idea is to find a way to just gloss over that and feel good about it, that’s not what I’m saying at all. Let me clarify: If no part of an event has the ability to mirror back any part of your vibration, specifically, the parts of your vibration that are currently in the way of you getting what you want, then you’re not going to line up with that event.

You’re not going to be in a plane crash if that event can’t offer you a helpful experience. But, any experience you do have is always, without exception, perfectly designed to help you shift into a better feeling place, a vibration that is more conducive to you getting what you ultimately want. And in order to facilitate these experiences, you’ll often line up with parts of other people’s manifestations. It’s a little hard to run the gamut of all possible and helpful experiences without playing with others, but that doesn’t make it your fault when someone spills soda on themselves, throws a tantrum or decides to leave the party for another one. Your manifestation is your experience of those events and that’s precisely what you have the power to change.