Ooopsy! I my enthusiasm, I seem to have published this post a day earlier.  Apparently someone out there couldn’t wait until Thursday… You’re welcome. 😉

In a comment section of my last blog post, reader Awesome KP asked the following question: “Regarding your experience with your Master Minds… What do you feel is the line between being insecure and being considerate? If you’re really droning on and on and feeling all self-important about the subject you chose, isn’t there something to be said for being aware that maybe other people aren’t digging it? Just a thought.”

For those of you who haven’t read that post (for SHAME!), what KP was referring to was my description of how my insecurity about taking up too much time talking about my own issues had caused a fellow member of my Master Mind group to become aware of how long I’d been talking, which in turn, validated my insecurity. Although I had added this insight to help me flesh out the point I was making in that post, this topic does deserve to be explored further in its own right, and Awesome KP’s question has given me the perfect opportunity to do that.

If we all become Happy Shiny Puppies and just prance around all day without a care in the world, aren’t we at danger of becoming horrifically arrogant, inconsiderate bores? I may want to dance across the street naked right now, but shouldn’t I also maybe keep an eye out for traffic? Perhaps if I really just expect all the cars to stop, they will. Should I just expect everyone in the world to cater to my every whim? Is that what the Law of Attraction teaches? Here’s a clue: Does the idea of annoying the crap out of everyone you meet, even if you’re totally oblivious to it, make you feel good? No? I didn’t think so. So, obviously, that’s not the answer we’re seeking here. But what is?

It’s not about them. It never was and it never will be

Here’s the thing: It’s not about them. You can’t control what others choose to be annoyed by. Oh my Gawd, this one’s hard to hear. I’ve been struggling with this one myself, in various ways, my entire life. Sure, in theory it sounds great, but what about in practice? What other people think of us is not within our control, it’s irrelevant. Ok, we get that. Sort of. But still, no one likes the idea of being THAT person, the one that everyone else has to tolerate, like that guy with raging B.O. on the subway, smiling away, unaware that he’s waging biological warfare on all those around him. None of us likes the idea of inconveniencing others, just as we don’t like it when others seemingly infringe on our space with their demands, noise levels or neglected hygiene. How do we find that middle ground? By finding the core false belief that’s at the heart of this question. And to do that, we have to take a little detour.

What exactly is self-improvement?

Yeah, I know. You didn’t see that one coming. Don’t worry, I’m not going to dredge up the history or dictionary definitions of personal development. And, because this is a Bullshit free zone, I’m going to cut right to the chase:

Most people think that self-improvement comes from digging around in one’s own psyche, looking for stuff that needs improving or fixing, so we can then correct this “error”, become “better”, therefore  garnering a more positive response from those around us, and finally allowing us to be happier. The problem with this approach is twofold:

  1. It’s all about focusing on the negative. When we look for what’s wrong, we’ll find it. Every. Freaking. Time. So, when we approach ourselves with the expectation of finding stuff to fix, from the point of view that there is a bunch of stuff “wrong” with us, we’ll find it, therefore underscoring our belief that we’re broken in some way.
  2. It’s an approach totally motivated by fear. It’s about what others think of us, how they perceive us, how we fit in with them. Our “success” is determined by their reactions. When we make it about them instead of us, when we make it all about actions and outside perceptions, we give all our power away.

The Universe will always prove us right

Because the Law of Attraction can only react to our vibration, it must mirror this powerlessness back to us. Our environment becomes filled with people who disapprove of us, no matter what we do. We can’t twist ourselves into enough knots, do enough for them, become “good” enough people, sacrifice enough, improve ourselves enough to ever make them happy. The LOA will make sure of it. Because it’s not about changing ourselves to suit them. And it never freaking will be. Self-growth isn’t about becoming the perfect human being, one that no one will find objectionable. It’s not about conforming, pleasing them, or making them happy. It’s not about blending in. The ultimate goal is not to NOT BOTHER ANYBODY. But it’s also not about pissing people off or getting in their way. It’s not about them in any way shape or form.

True self-Improvement is about fully aligning with Who You Really Are, so that others can mirror that back to you. Because here’s the thing:

Each and every interaction you have with others, that you are aware of, is only there to mirror back your vibration to you. The fear is not that someone might be offended by you without your knowledge. You have absolutely no control over that, and let’s face it, loads of things happen every day without you being aware of them. If you started worrying about all of that crap, you’d never get done.  The fear is that you’ll be oblivious to their offense for a while, but will then become aware of it and will have to deal with it. The fear is that you’ll feel like an ass. The fear is that you’ll become aware of having caused them to feel bad, will feel responsible for their negative emotions, causing you to feel bad, as well. Yes, it’s a twisty little bugger.

Their offense, if you become aware of it, is only there to help you become aware of your own insecurity, and not to show you that you’re offensive or boring or whatever. There are always going to be people in this world who think you’re boring, or offensive, or uninteresting. The question is, why the hell would you attract those people instead of the ones (and these people also always exist) that think you’re fascinating and funny and fabulous? In other words, there are people out there who will perceive you negatively and there are people who will perceive you positively. You cannot control how they perceive you, but you can control whom you meet up with.

The big insight

So, here’s the answer you’ve been looking for: When you are truly and fully aligned, when you are being completely YOURSELF, totally authentic, when you’re in the flow, when you are only focused on feeling good and you let go of all insecurities about how you might be affecting others, when you let go of any need for them to react in certain ways so that you can feel good, when you cut them and their reactions completely out of the process and make it all about you, being YOU, fully in the Zone, fully in the NOW, with total confidence that everything is always working out in your favor, that if something feels good it’s part of a win/win scenario, when you believe in the perfection of the Universe and you TRUST it, then you cannot attract people into your reality that mirror anything but that back to you. You cannot attract those who will be annoyed or angered or inconvenienced by you. The haters won’t be able to find you. Your timing will be perfect. You won’t get in people’s way, just as they won’t get in yours. You won’t inconvenience them, just as they won’t inconvenience you. You won’t annoy them, just as they won’t annoy you.

When you are not fully aligned, you attract people that “cause” you to have negative reactions. Really, they’re just mirroring back the feelings within you that are already there, but which you weren’t fully aware of. That’s precisely why you attract them. But the people whom you’re attracting aren’t fully aligned, either. If you’re worried about offending others, you will attract those who are ready to be offended. Your fear will draw them right to you, just as their fears will draw you to them. Your worry about offending them will trigger their offense, which in turn, will validate your fear. “You see? They are offended. I was right to be worried!”, you insist. But they weren’t offended by you, they were offended by their own beliefs, by their own perspective. The fact that they chose to be offended was not within your control, but whether or not you’re the one who offended them (or rather, whether or not they become offended in your presence), is.

When you’re aligned, fully aligned, you no longer fear what others think of you. You appreciate them, but you don’t need their validation. People cannot prove to you that your insecurities are justified if you no longer have any. If you truly understand your own value, then the people around you will mirror that value back to you, NOT question whether or not you have any. On that evening with my Master Mind group, it was my moment of insecurity that caused my friend to react to it in a way that seemed to validate my fear. But when we talked about it, it came to light that as long as I was feeling totally in the flow, the entire group was feeling tremendous benefit from what I was saying. Even though I was talking about my own shit, they were having epiphanies and aha moments of their own. One member admitted that for a few minutes, she had felt her ego rise up and demand that she get equal time that night (which she did receive once she found her balance again), but that she was completely aware of the fact that this was her own crap. What’s more, I wasn’t at all aware of this little blip in her vibration until she told me, and by then it was part of my healing.

Bottom line

Can any of us ever guarantee that something we say or do won’t ever hurt or inconvenience or offend or annoy anyone? Nope. That’s not possible. But we can control whether or not they are having these reactions in our presence, or in a way that we are aware of. For example, loads of people are offended by stuff I write and how I write it. People unsubscribe from my list every day because they don’t like my dirty, dirty potty mouth. That’s their business. For a little while, I was getting emails from these people, some rude and some “helpful”, letting me know that it wasn’t so much what I said, but how I chose to say it, that had caused them offense. Some people even became enraged, angry with me for “withholding” my valuable information from them by presenting it in a way they didn’t agree with. I realized that I cared a bit too much about what people thought, understandable given that my business is dependent on an audience liking me and my work, but still not helpful. Once I realized that if someone didn’t like style, that my work wasn’t for them, I released this belief and the letters stopped coming. Now, if I get an email like that, which is very, very rare, it doesn’t affect me anymore. Sometimes, I think the Universe sends me one here and there just to remind me how good it feels not to care about the uncontrollable anymore.

If I’m fully connected, in the flow, I will not walk up to someone and start yapping at them about LOA if they have no interest in it. My intuition will make that option feel bad, and if I’m in the flow, I won’t do anything that feels bad. I’ll be drawn to the one person in the room I can have that kind of conversation with, or I’ll be inspired to talk about something else entirely, something that will allow us to have a conversation that feels the way I want it to: awesome. I won’t drone on and on about something only to become aware of how long I’ve been talking; I’ll be inspired to talk only to those who will get benefit from what I’m talking about, and do it in a way that also benefits me.

Or, to put it even more succinctly: If you are annoying people, you are insecure about how others perceive you and your own value. If you pretend not to care what others think, your true vibration is still going to get mirrored back, and you’re still going to annoy people. You can’t lie to the Universe, people. But if you truly don’t care what others think, if you make their opinions and reactions irrelevant, and you focus on feeling really, really good, then those who would be annoyed by you won’t be able to make it into your reality. They’ll still exist, you just won’t be aware of them. Those helpful souls will meet up with others who are still insecure, and will mirror their (insecure) limiting beliefs back to them with their offense, so they (the insecure) can become aware of their beliefs and release them. Doesn’t the perfection of it all just blow your little mind? Hell yes it does.

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  • Hi.
    I was also thinking along the same lines as Tomi Jaycox. What do you do if your family doesn’t line up with the real you. Surely they can’t just disappear out of your awareness (cause blood is thicker than water…bla bla bla, and we’re stuck with family for life!!), so aren’t their conflicting views/insecurities always going to be there as a constant reminder (despite the healing and work we’ve done on ourselves).

  • This is my take on your situation. It will be easier to change your vibration on this point if these sorta friends are absent from your life while you are trying to change your vibration. Having them reinforce your judgmental nature does not help you change you vibration on this subject, it just makes you feel bad, which is never helpful when you are trying to shift your vibration. You are already aware of why they showed up in your reality, so there is nothing to be gained by letting them remain a part of your life.

    I hope this helps. 🙂

      • Yup, that is the way to go. Had the same problem. You need to work on your own vibration and not being in contact with them for now will help. Also, practicing loving detachment will work. Sending loving vibes to everything and everyone around you and being detached from them and whatever they say work wonders. I could go on, but this is the gist.

        • John & Just call me A., sorry about the delayed response, I was away on a lovely internet free holiday the past week! Thanks for both of your feedback, it makes alot of sense. I tend to struggle with whether I should remain in bad situations because there might be something to learn versus knowing when to cut loose from these situations because they are just downright toxic and damaging. Jon, as you suggest, I suppose once I’m aware of why these energies are in my life, I’ve probably learned the lesson by that stage, so the next step is to move on and try to fix my own energy. And Just call me A, I also like how you suggest being detached and sending loving vibes to everyone around me at the same time – it really helps to neutralise any potential bitterness that may ensue. Thanks again 🙂

  • I am a study freak and in most of my readings i noticed one thing in real life that successful people in the world are those who didn’t care about others, they just followed what their heart told them to do, in first they were criticized by many people but when the end results came, they shocked the world, some of the real examples and my inspirations are Steve Jobs, warren buffett and some others. so i am doing the same and when i am going to start a thing a show my product to some people for their opinion but at last i do the same which my heart says is the right thing to do…

  • I was also thinking along the same lines as Tomi Jaycox. What do you do if your family doesn’t line up with the real you. Surely they can’t just disappear out of your awareness (cause blood is thicker than water…bla bla bla, and we’re stuck with family for life!!), so aren’t their conflicting views/insecurities always going to be there as a constant reminder (despite the healing and work we’ve done on ourselves).

    My particular situation applies to some people I’m sorta friends with. Quite often I feel judged in their company, and I know it has to do with me feeling insecure about my (career) accomplishments (I’m hard on myself and always compare myself to others). So obviously I’m attracting people into my awareness who are equaly as judgmental towards me as I am towards myself. I’m working on not being so hard on myself. But should I go ahead and cut these people out of my life while I’m at it, since they’ll probably disappear anyway once my vibration changes? What I’m trying to say is should I continue to socialise with these people (because there’s a lesson to be learned here), even though I tend to feel bad about myself in their company, or should I distance myself from them (and find people I feel comfortable with). Is the latter option a cosntructive thing to do, or am I just avoiding the problem. I’m aware of why they’re in my reality, but I’m not sure how to go about changing things!!

  • (I hope I didn’t post this somewhere else by accident!)
    Melody, you tell us that each and every interaction we have with others, that we are aware of, is only there to mirror back our vibration to us. Ok, so, I am the lead of a team of 4 women. One of these women is grossly overweight, would chain smoke if she could and fidgets when she can’t. She does not bathe or launder her clothes regularly. She wears clothes that her sick cats (I’m talking festering wounds here) sleep on. When she is frustrated she throws things around her desk. She is a hoarder of office supplies and paper. She is loud and brays like a donkey.

    It has taken me four years but I finally got her moved off my team and across the office. I have seen a dramatic improvement my other team mates demeanor.

    So, how does this person fit into this concept? If was the only one who felt this way about her, I would fear for my soul if that is being mirrored back to me!

  • Hi Melody, great post. Loved it. Want to apply it…..but what about when it’s your parents or family? I have 2 sets of parents and an eldest son, who just don’t get me or want to get me and insist that I am the problem and the worst person ever. They don’t want to see the changes in me, either. 🙁

  • Really great article, this one really resonated with me as regards my life right now.

    On a different note, you mentioned how some people unsubscribed from this site every day because of your style. Can I just say that one of the reasons I love this site so much is BECAUSE of your witty style. You’re confident in what you say and you explain it all very logically. But at the same time you don’t take yourself too seriously, and this is where a lot of other LOA go wrong (in my opinion). I love the animal pictures and captions, again they have the much needed effect of keeping things light and fun. I think that most people who read these types of websites are interested in self growth and probably spend alot of time in their heads, I know I do! Reading these types of articles helps broaden my understanding of myself, or at least to look at things from a fresh perspective. So I think it’s important that we retain a sense of humour about it all, get over ourselves and stop being so serious about everything. And that is why I love your style so much – you deliver incredibly profound messages about how powerful we all really are, but you do so in ordinary human language that reminds us not to let this insight go to our heads. 🙂

  • Awesome blog post, Melody! And THANK YOU! Can you write one post every day? I’m getting greedier as the days go by. And can you please also write a book? And host an event? And come to my house and have lunch with me? Perhaps dinner too? Can I keep you? I promise I will try my level best not to drain you (I can be a vampire) but I will just keep picking on your brains, I think that will be so awesome!!!!!!!!!!!! Thanks SO SO much!


  • Holy scarab beetles I was just going over this last night, pissed off that someone had told me I was projecting my own inadequacies onto their wonderful persona (Splinter in Brother’s Eye Syndrome) and that I should look at them myself. I’d concluded that OK I should appreciate them mirroring stuff back at me (leave yourself open and vulnerable and you can learn from constructive criticism 🙂 ) but at the same time it hit me that the aforementioned comment made was a preemptive strike at me to avoid having to check out what I was mirroring back at THEM…
    Yours, gobsmacked again

  • wow…this one filled me up and put me right back in the proper perspective. I’m venturing off into a new business and the fear of approaching people to speak about it is paralyzing. I’m afraid that people will think I’m nuts if I tell them about the product, especially those closest to me. And of course, one of my fears of rejection pop up. So now I know to follow the flow and and first be sure of myself, know my value and feel my product. And also not to be afraid if it isn’t for anyone else…just move on. Also, if I’m really in my flow I will attract those who are interested and experience a win/win scenario.

    See that’s why I just love you and your little potty mouth…you make so much damn sense. THank you thank you thank you!!!!

  • Awesome post Melody. Yours is one of the few LOA websites that I can bear reading because you’re so in your flow when you blog and you make everything seem so clear. Just reading this, my friend, has given me so many A-ha moments. Happens every time 😉

  • Haha, it was me!!!! And no I didn’t want to wait. It’s funny because I wrote the question and was like, “she probably won’t answer me” and then immediately said to myself “so what? It’d be cool if she did but I know the universe will give me the answer some way eventually.” And then BAM blog post and a day early to boot!

    Thanks 🙂

  • It’s weird how since I have been studying more about LOA how people around me have changed as well. I live in the “bible belt” so of course, pretty much everyone I know personally is a Christian, but it’s funny how all of a sudden people around me are talking about how their preachers at their churches are talking about going on “negativity fasts” and becoming “solution focused” rather than “problem focused”. It’s pretty awesome actually. I’ve notice my facebook news feed is A LOT less negative as well. People use to gripe and complain CONSTANTLY on my feed. I got to the point to where I quit using it as much. But as of late, those same people are suddenly posting more positive things. It’s really weird, but awesome at the same time. The people in my life before that were the most negative seem to have dropped off the face of the planet. LOL! I see some negativity every now and then, but I’m also a “newbie” at practicing LOA, so I guess it makes sense that the negative sneaks in every now and then (as I do have days where I temporarily let negtives sneak in). I’m thinking that once I consistently maintain a higher vibration, I will see even less negativity. I just love LOA!!!! 🙂

  • People unsubscribe because of your potty mouth? That’s one of the reasons I come here! 🙂

    Nice post, Melody. Thanks.

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