Awesome Nala asks: “Melody, what about when you’re feeling guilty about your partner’s lack of love for you? What if you were the one to leave the relationship because of that and now you feel like it was your fault that he stopped loving you because of your fears. How do you stop the guilt for creating that? How do you stop obsessing about him coming back, and stop feeling like you’re not good enough because he hasn’t come back?”
Awesome Elisabeth adds: “I am in the exact same situation – having so much grief about my failed marriage caused by my insecurities. With all the wisdom I have now, I would’ve done so many things differently. But as Oprah says: if you know better, you do better.”
Dear Awesome Nala and Awesome Elisabeth,
Thank you so much for asking such awesome questions. As we do this work and begin to understand that everything in our experience is drawn to us by us, as we learn to take responsibility for our creations, it’s easy to slip into a bit of a tailspin regarding past relationships. We can’t help but look back on what we attracted then with critical eyes, and wonder, “If I’d only been the person then that I am now, would I have been able to make that relationship work?”
Well, you can stop with the self-flagellation right now, because the answer is no. No, you wouldn’t have been able to make it work. And yes, I will explain.
That relationship was never meant to last forever
Here’s the thing you have to realize: not all relationships are meant to last forever. In fact, none of them do. Everything changes, morphs and evolves, including our relationships. Sometimes, we continue to evolve into what matches our partner and they continue to evolve into what matches us, but if that doesn’t happen, it doesn’t mean that something has gone wrong. That’s a bit like saying “Why can’t my Kindergarten teacher ALWAYS be my teacher?” Well, maybe she can, and maybe she can’t. Maybe she doesn’t have the education to be your High School Chemistry teacher, and your College Music Professor and your PhD in Engineering adviser. Or maybe she doesn’t have any interest in those subjects. That doesn’t mean she’s a bad teacher, or that you were a bad student, or that she hates you, or that something went wrong. It also doesn’t negate the fun you had in Kindergarten or the benefit you derived from that class.
That relationship that came to you when you were insecure and defensive wasn’t just there to show you how full of fear you were, it was there to help you overcome those fears. You attracted someone who matched your energy at that time, someone who was probably also quite insecure, but possibly demonstrated that differently than you did. Does that mean the relationship was all bad? No, of course not. There were probably some really good times, as well. He would’ve mirrored back all the good stuff you were already a match to, as well as the limiting beliefs that were still holding you back. He was the right guy for you at that time, perfectly matched to the level you were at: Relationship Kindergarten.
The thing is, you didn’t want to stay in Kindergarten. You wanted more. You always do. And this guy, your Kindergarten teacher, if you will, helped you to surpass that grade and move on. Perhaps he even stayed with you through Elementary school and junior high, but at some point, one or both of you realized that the match had come to an end. In this case, you left. You graduated to the next grade, and so did he. You see, the beauty of co-creation is that while you may have been the student and he the teacher, the same is true the other way around. He was also your student and you his teacher. You helped each other evolve, just in different ways. While he was teaching you how to read and write, you were teaching him how to play a musical instrument. And when you had learned all you could from each other, when your skill set no longer matched his next year’s curriculum and vice versa, the relationship had to end, or rather change and morph and evolve.
You still have a relationship with him
You see, while nothing is ever permanent, in the sense that nothing can simply be frozen in an unchanging state, and while we have to accept change as a constant, nothing ever really ends, either. We are eternal beings, and while we are always evolving, nothing that is created by us ever just goes away. It also changes and morphs and evolves, but it doesn’t terminate. So, your relationship with your ex still exists, just in a different state.
Every time you think about your ex, you are making him a part of your reality. And, in the sense that his image can still evoke an emotional response from you, he is still teaching you. So, if remembering him makes you feel guilty or not good enough, then he is still helping you to realize that you have these limiting thoughts that aren’t serving you, and he can do this even if you’re not physically in the same space anymore. It’s the gift that keeps on giving. By the way, this is true of all relationships, even if the person you’re thinking about is “dead”.
If your ex had the capacity to help you with these current emotions in person, and if doing so was the best possible way to assist you in overcoming these beliefs, he would still be in your life in a physical sense. His absence, however, could actually be helping to trigger you in the best and strongest possible way, so him having exited your reality in that sense is actually an integral part of your manifestation – the one that’s going to help you get ready for the relationship you really want. You would not be having the experience you need to have and ultimately want to have (because it’s taking you closer to what you really want), if he were still your boyfriend.
It’s all about evolution
Because getting what you really want is really the goal here, and it serves us well to remember that. You see, too many people get caught up in the fear of being alone, so they’re willing to settle for being in a relationship, ANY relationship, even if it’s nowhere near as awesome as what they truly want. They think: “Well, this guy’s really nice, and it’s hard to find nice guys, so I should find a way to make that work.”
Here’s what’s wrong with that statement:
1. Just because a guy is nice doesn’t mean he’s ideal for you. Nice should not be what you settle for, it should be the BARE F***ING MINIMUM!
If one of the reasons you want to be with a guy is because, well, he’s not an asshole, your standards are too low. [Tweet this]
There’s so much more you want from a relationship, so many little details that will light your fire and make you giddy with joy, simply being nice just isn’t good enough. If you’re truly honest with yourself, you’ll have to admit that there are a lot more items on your list, and guess what? You get to have them all.
2. “It’s hard to find nice guys”. No, it’s not. This is nothing more than a belief and it’s right up there with “There are no good men left”, “All the good ones are taken/gay/dead”, and “The kind of man I want doesn’t exist.” None of these beliefs are actually true, unless you decide that they are. Sure, you can create a reality for yourself where nice guys, or guys with the wonderful qualities you seek are conspicuously absent, but that doesn’t mean they don’t exist. It just means that you’re filtering them out, and buying into crap beliefs like this is one of the ways in which you’re doing that. Assume there is an abundance of amazing, incredible, hot, juicy, single, emotionally stable, intelligent, funny, kind, generous, loving, sexy men out there just waiting to meet you, and you’ll have taken the first step to actually allowing them into your reality.
3. “I should find a way to make that work”, or “I should’ve found a way to make it work.” Yeah… because MAKING SHIT HAPPEN has always worked out so well for you… (retrospective sarcasm alert). This is what the Law of Attraction is all about. You’re not supposed to have to make it work. You’re supposed to get attuned to what you want, and then allow yourself to receive it. What you receive will show you exactly what you’re already a match to, and what you still have to tweak. Your manifestations are perfectly designed to show you where your vibration is at and help you to overcome the specific beliefs that are blocking you from aligning yourself precisely with what you desire. That’s right, there’s a method to this madness and the precision of it is actually quite mind blowing.
The value of that relationship
So, you see, the value of that relationship, the one you’re beating yourself up for no longer being a match to, was never about it becoming that which you really want. You weren’t even close to manifesting that awesomeness then. The value of this relationship was to get you one step closer to the awesomeness. It was there to prepare you and get you ready for the relationship you really want. It was there to help you overcome your insecurities and fears. It was there to teach you how to be more authentic instead of defensive. It was there to help you realize that some beliefs just weren’t worth hanging on to, because they were too painful, and that this pain was totally unnecessary. It was there to show you that you’re worth so much more than you thought you were (a lesson you may still be learning). It was there to show you that men don’t need to be douchebags, but can be much nicer than you may have previously known they could be. It was there to help you discern, with greater clarity, what you really want.
Don’t look back and ask this relationship, in its old form, to be a match to who you are today. As I’ve explained, that relationship no longer exists, anyway. It’s evolved into what it is now. So, your relationship with your ex, the way it is right now, is precisely what you’re a match to NOW. If he’s not in your life anymore, but thinking of him brings you pain, then that’s where that relationship is at now. The relationship has evolved as you have, and the only way that you could go back to the relationship the way it was, is if you devolved, too. You’d have to get all your insecurities back, load up all those burdens again, and somehow forget all you’ve learned. If you were to go back in your current state, just for the sake of argument, you wouldn’t be able to attract the relationship you had then. You’d attract what you have now. The idea that you could go back with your current vibration, attract the same scenario you did then even though it was a match to a totally different version of you, and then somehow force that relationship to become a match to what you really want, even though your current vibration isn’t a match to that either, makes no sense. You’re asking the Universe to defy the Law of Attraction, something it can’t do.
What if you actually went back?
Let me illustrate this point with an extreme example: Let’s say you want to change an event in history – you want to keep people from burning healers and herbalists and strong willed women as witches during the Salem Witch Trials. So, armed with all your current knowledge, you travel back in time, and set out to educate the masses. You tell them how women and men can live together in harmony, how there are no such thing as witches (no offense to Wiccans or anyone else, I’m talking about the devil brides they thought witches to be), and how it’s wrong to kill people for their beliefs. But you see, you wouldn’t be a match to that time or the beliefs of those people. They would almost certainly look at your clothes, your mannerisms, listen to your speech, and promptly declare you a witch. They wouldn’t be able to actually hear a word you said. Even if you found your ancient ancestors (in this metaphor, they represent the previous version of you) and tried to convince them, and even if they wanted to believe you, their belief system would make it impossible for them to completely share your point of view. Their fears, the ones that probably took generations to later overcome (which is why you no longer have them in the future), would simply loom too large. And no amount of foot stomping or pleading would change that.
So, if you went back to a previous time in your life and met your boyfriend then, he would not be attracted to you. If he could see you at all (remember, he’s not currently in your physical reality, and that’s after quite a bit of growth on his part), he wouldn’t recognize you as someone he should talk to. He wouldn’t resonate with you. Your vibration wouldn’t be a match to his. What’s more, you wouldn’t be attracted to him, either.
You see, the pain you’re feeling now isn’t because of what was, it’s because of what you’ve decided could’ve been – a fantasy scenario you came up with, and one that feels awful, at that. Why exactly would you do that to yourself?? You’ve decided to tell yourself a fictional story that makes no vibrational sense, of the happiness you could’ve had (but don’t have and now can’t have), if only you hadn’t been so stupid, or insecure, or worthless, or whatever. On top of that, you decided (and yes, it is a choice) that this scenario, the one in which you go back and somehow change the course of history in a way that defies all Universal Law, is the ONLY FREAKING WAY in which you could get what you want. In other words, you’ve taken an impossible scenario and made it responsible for your happiness. Am I starting to make my point?
As I discussed in my post on letting go of guilt, you cannot look back on your past using your current perspective and judge yourself by what you see. You cannot use your “Hindsight goggles”. All that leads to is unnecessary pain, and it never solves anything. Instead, understand that everything that’s ever happened to you, happened FOR you, in order to help you become the person you are today, and move you closer and closer to who you are becoming. Each person you met was like a helper along the path, cheering you on, teaching you better techniques, giving you insights, handing you gifts, mirroring the specific bit of resistance in your vibration that was keeping you from getting what you wanted. Look back on your relationships and appreciate them for how they assisted you. Be grateful to your exes; each one of them helped to prepare you for a relationship that you dared not even dream of at the time, and which you may currently not even really be willing to fantasize about. Because it’s big, really, really BIG. It’s fabulous. It will surpass anything you’ve ever known. Why are you looking back in pain, when there’s so much pleasure to be had by looking forward? Why are you supplementing the unworthiness you feel today with the even bigger unworthiness you used to feel, instead of looking for ways to feel more worthy NOW? Why are you lamenting that your Kindergarten teacher can’t be your college professor, instead of being grateful to them for teaching you the basics that helped you get where you are today? Beating the crap out of yourself suddenly doesn’t make that much sense anymore, does it? Yeah… You’re welcome.
Thank you so much for this post. It really puts things into perspective. It’s just like everyone tells you after a break-up “things really do happen for a reason” and at the time you’re just at the “I’m gonna hit you in the face for telling me that kinda sh** while snot is all over my face” but it is true. We all have to figure it out on our own time though. I do agree it’s like that Rascaal Flats song “God Bless the Broken Road.” I did have a question for you about your theory on why people get back together after a period of time. Would you say it’s like when your Kindergarten teacher goes back to school and then happens to show up as your College Music Professor (I liked that one because I, myself, and a musician)? The reason I ask is because, yes I am feeling some residual pain from a recent breakup and am trying to work through that and learn from that…but I also still get an overwhelming feeling that things are “unfinished” as far as the two of us are concerned. Or maybe I’m just a crazy and need to figure out how to let go. Your feedback would be greatly appreciated 🙂 . Thanks again for this post, and really all of them!
Yeah. I feel that too. An overwhelming feeling that things are unfinished between me and the person I recently broke up with. I move on and yet a voice in my head tells me it’s not completely over. What could it mean?
I’m guilty of holding on to the past too much and not letting go.
I fully understand that things will always change and nothing last forever.
Yet I still hold on to memories of the people I care about – both good and bad.
I still have deep feelings for my first love (we drifted apart 20 years ago without a proper goodbye). It feels like just yesterday.
Am I weird ?
The Universe works in awesome ways. I NEEDED to read this! Completely on point!
Can I give you a happy shiny puppy smooshy hug?
A very wonderful post – as always Melody 🙂 X
This post was so wonderful! It’s crazy that I’ve been beating myself up about this issue and as soon as I decided to let go and let the universe deliver it’s answer I got your e-mail about this post. I am clear, I feel much lighter, I am relieved. Now, concerning the issue that we might at times face the feeling of unworthiness, would that explain also a possibility that we are scared of being too happy? I feel like I’ve grown so much from my past relationship but for some reason at times, I feel scared to receive the better version of what I’ve created!
Thank you, thank you, thank you… As always your posts always come to me just at the right time, you are fabulous Melody, so glad I found your site 🙂
An amazing post Melody, i just kept thinking wow.I have read so much on relationships and why and how they end…and i havent come across something as brilliant and eye opening as this post.Your words and thoughts have the power of clearing away the cobwebs of self inflicted doubts and pain.
P.S…while reading this i just thought of Arnie Hammer in social network whom i have a huge crush on…totally floated my boat…thanks for reminding that the best is still out there and the quest never ends.
id love your article as 3 months back i was a low vibrational insecure person and the guy i met at that time was a vibrational match to me, but now when i am positive,high vibrational being, it makes sense who is near to me and who isnt 🙂
Absolutely bang on the nail…relationships never really end, unless you choose to ignore what they are still teaching you. If you have evolved, any previous reality is impossible to retreive.
It’s dangerous to have “good reasons” for being with someone – this most likely indicates something you yourself have not resolved? Either you get off on it or you don’t!
I think that’s a really good point. I’m wondering though … so there’s this guy that I was sort of friends with/sort of dating, briefly. And I felt like when I was being really genuine and authentic and ME, I felt DRAWN to him and SO happy whenever I was around him. But then it didn’t work out because I kind of freaked out that I liked him and sabotaged the relationship SO BAD that he doesn’t talk to me anymore at all. So now I feel like, if I was authentic and really me … then it would have worked out. And it wasn’t about my past self being attracted to him, it’s more that my past self wanted it, but wasn’t ready for it. Is that possible? If that’s true, does that mean now that I’m more authentic he’ll magically want to see me again?
I’m sure you read my inner most thoughts and write especially for me ;D
Thank you once again for a most timely, honest, smack in the face post. Just what I needed to drag me out of my past (which has been haunting me a lot lately)
So I’m dating a great guy. I enjoy conversation and intimacy with him. However, our relationship is not as serious and committed as I would like, which creates a lot of fights and tension. When we are actually TOGETHER spending time, I am super happy and it’s everything I want. However, we don’t get to spend as much as time together as I’d like, which creates tension and fights. I notice that when I think about how he doesn’t call me or see me enough, he gets extra distant. When I relax, things are better, but still not what I want. He’s the guy I want, but this relationship is not as how I want it to be. It makes me sad. I want this feeling to go away. Does letting go mean I have to break up with him? or is it enough to simple shift my focus and raise my vibration and not chase after him if he decides to break up with me?
I *LOVE* this, Melody…you are inspiring me and reminding me of important things…so, job well done! x
“…You’re not supposed to have to make it work. You’re supposed to get attuned to what you want, and then allow yourself to receive it.”
I wanted to leave some profound comment about the insight I’ve gained from this post, but it’s just so freakin’ on point….I have no words, other than I really needed this today 🙂 Thank you.
So glad I just caught this link on FB, Melody. LOVE that you pointed out the truth that relationships don’t last forever (and still they do…they just change). Letting go of that guilt is awesome.
It’s also incredibly liberating to voice that perspective to your current partner–not as a passive aggressive threat, but just as a clarity. We had that conversation recently. We’re both on the same page worldview-wise, so that helps. I told him, “I don’t need you to *be* anything more than you are for me. I’m letting you off the hook now. I would be sad if our relationship ended, but I’ll be okay–the real me will be. The idea that you “complete me” is stupid. You complement (and hopefully occasionally compliment) me…but I complete myself. You don’t have to carry that pressure.”
It was a wonderful conversation and built our relationship even stronger. Because eventually our relationship will transition…and whenever that does happen, i know I will be okay.
Love you, girl. Keep shining.