Awesome Dudette’s burning question: “What do you do when you have proof that LOA works and that you create your reality but at the same time start doubting your ability to trust your intuition?
Here’s some background: Girl meets boy several years ago and says OMG! WOW! YUMMY! Literally, I shook his hand and felt a bolt of electricity go through me and it was as if for that split second time stood still (like a special effect in a movie). We became friends and a year or so later I got to find out just how yummy he was (OMG), but at that time I was not ready for a committed long term relationship, so we went our separate ways.
Fast forward to today… for the past year I’ve been thinking about him. I pictured in my mind what it would be like to see him again and when I did finally see him it was as I had imagined. I had actually manifested this great reunion! It was perfect. We spent a very nice long night catching up. A few phone calls and phone tag and then nothing; I haven’t heard anything since. Yes I am disappointed, but at the same time, if he isn’t the ONE and there is someone even better for me, then I am really, really excited and I am ok with that. But here’s what’s bothering me: I was so sure that he was the ONE. If he is not, then that means that I can’t trust my intuition, which bothers me more than maybe never being able to enjoy this extremely yummy man.
So what do you do when you’re questioning your intuition?”
Dear Awesome Dudette,
No, my dahling, your intuition didn’t fail you. The problem isn’t in the message, it’s in your interpretation of it. Let me explain, and put your mind at ease:
Why did he have to be the ONE?
People really, really, REALLY have to freaking get over this obsession with everyone they meet being the “ONE”. Yes, he resonated with you. Yes, you had a good time together. Yes, he represented much of what you wanted. But why, OH WHY does that have to mean he’s the “ONE”?
Your intuition doesn’t just yodel down the canyon with joy when you meet the “ONE”. It will light up the switchboard whenever you meet ANYONE who is going to help you get to where you want to go.
I’m going to make a big, bold and possibly upsetting statement now:
There is no “THE ONE”. There is only “THE NEXT ONE”.
That’s right, girls and boys, Disney done lied to you. The fairytales made it seem like there was one boy for every girl, one lid for every pot, one mate for every soul. Well, they were wrong, or rather, they failed to tell you the whole story. They made it seem like this one and half hour movie, this depiction of a segment in the lives of a few people, were the only really important hours or days of their lives. After that, it was just pure happiness. For ever and ever and ever. The End. How that happiness happened, what it looked like and what kept it going, well, that’s just not important, is it? The princess has met her man, the singing, animated cockroaches entertained us, the evil witch is dead, and now we can all just relax, knowing that the ring is on the finger and happiness will never leave us.
And this, ladies and gentlemen is why everyone is looking for the “ONE”, the one guy or girl who will complete them. When we find them, we can stop looking. Then, we can finally be happy (because obviously, happiness is the privilege of the coupled up), we can relax, let ourselves go, sit on the couch and eat bon-bons all day, or whatever it is that princesses do. But that’s not how it happens.
What the fairytales got wrong
I have a bit of a problem with fairy tales. I think they mess us up romantically. Here’s how (and yes, this is me, up on my soapbox. I’m feeling rather feisty today):
- You can’t be happy if you’re single. Both the woman and the man in fairytales are depicted as being incomplete, as long as they haven’t found their match. The woman is often trapped, helpless, powerless, waiting for her knight in shining armor. The man’s parents often nag him to get on with it already and choose a bride. It’s time to grow up, be serious. And of course, he’s lonely as all get out without her. Their main job is to find a mate. Everything else is pretty much secondary and unimportant. The message is clear: When you find the “ONE”, you’ll find happiness. If you don’t, you’ll have to get a job at the tavern, where you’ll get fat, grow warts, and serve as a stark reminder to tomorrow’s youth to get out there and find love, or else.
- The characters often have no standards. Let’s face it: What’s it take to impress a Disney Princess? You have to be hot (unless you’re rich) and be a prince and be in the right place at the right time. Oh, and you have to be at least somewhat of a good guy. Deep down. Possibly so deep that only she can see it. In fact, if she is the only one who can see your secret goodness, that makes the fantasy all the sweeter. WTF Disney? THIS is the standard women should be shooting for?! Hot and/or rich and it’s ok if he’s a total douche, as long as he reigns that crap in when he’s alone with us? Oh, and don’t get me started on what it takes to impress a Disney prince: She has to be beautiful. That’s it. If she’s pretty, she’s in. Oh, if she can sing, that’s a plus, but really, it’s all about the looks. This has led to scores of people declaring that anyone they’re attracted to is “the ONE”, even when they know very little about them. And guess what? There’s always a ton of stuff you don’t know about your partner. But, of course, if you think “not a total douche and good looking” are all the criteria you need in order to live happily ever after, you’re not going to look any further, are you? Trust me, you want more from your partner than hotness. Hotness can and should be on the list, but it’s not the only criteria. Most of the people I coach on finding love have horrible lists of what they’re looking for. I say horrible, because they’re far too shallow and the standards are far too low. “Nice, honest, kind, intelligent, etc.” are NOT dream qualities. They are the bare minimum. Believe me on this, you’re looking for someone very specific, whether you know it or not. And you cannot know in one glance if someone matches all the criteria you’re looking for. Which leads me to my next point:
- Love at first sight. Ok, I’m sorry, but this is a bunch of crap. I’m not saying that feeling a spark when you first see someone can’t lead to a life-long marriage. Of course that happens. But I am saying that this spark doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll be together forever, nor is it actually required. Some people (most people, actually) need a bit of time to warm up to each other, get to know each other, let the chemistry build. Many people feel the heat, but then it peters out. That spark can mean many things. It does generally signify vibrational resonance – there is a match there. The thing is, you don’t know what exactly has matched up; you only know that something has. People feel that resonance and automatically jump to the conclusion that this person is the “ONE”. And then, if they don’t end up sticking around, it feels like they’ve failed somehow. Because obviously, there are only two categories of people: The “ONE” and “NOT the ONE”.
Why the “One” doesn’t exist
Ok, so now that I’ve explained why we have all these screwy beliefs about what love looks like, let me explain my previous, controversial statement: There is no the “ONE”. There is only the “NEXT ONE”.
Some of you will have read this and thought: “Is she saying that I’ll never find one person to be happy with? Will I always be bouncing from relationship to relationship?” No. That’s not what I’m saying. What I’m telling you is that you are not static. You are not unchanging. What you want in a partner is not going to stay the same forever and ever.
What you want from a partner is also not simple, one dimensional or shallow. Whether or not you’ve taken the time to actually define a list of criteria, what you want from the “ONE” is a mixture of tons and tons of details that you’ve determined over your life time. Every relationship you’ve had, witnessed or even read about will have caused you to add to that list.
Now, just because the criteria have been defined, doesn’t mean you’re match to them. Your current vibration will only allow you to manifest what you’re ready for – you’ll have beliefs, some of them helpful, some of them not so much (see above), which will shape your current point of attraction.
Let’s say that the list of what you want contains 1000 pieces of data. If that sounds like a lot, I’d like to point out that your actual list will be much larger than that. All those little details of what brings you joy add up. Now, out of those 1000 points, your current vibration matches you up to 500. This means that you’re already able to manifest a guy with 500 of the 1000 qualities you want. Great. So, you meet Mr. 500, and you rejoice. Resonating on that many points feels good, and you feel the charge of it when you first meet him. As you spend time together, you begin to notice the “other” 500 points, the stuff that you want but aren’t a match to, yet. But, because you understand the Law of Attraction, you don’t complain about these things, but focus deliberately on what the absence of these characteristics is causing you to want instead. This, in turn, causes you to become a match to 600 of your 1000 desired data points.
So, your personal point of attraction has changed. You are now a match to manifesting someone who already possesses 600 out of your 1000 desired. If the man you’re currently with has the ability to match those extra 100 points, he will stick around and begin to demonstrate those additional characteristics (he could not before, because YOU weren’t a match to those points). If he is not able to mirror back ALL 600 POINTS, he will gravitate out of your reality. This is generally when most people lose their shit.
But…But… He’s THE ONE!
Here’s the thing: You’re always evolving. I’ve simplified the above example to a large degree. Not only do you continuously have the chance to become more and more of a match to your list, but you’re actually always adding to it. So, at the end of that relationship, you would’ve had 1050 data points, instead of 1000. This is how you evolve. And as you continue to grow, you’re going to meet people who match more of your data points than anyone has ever done before. This can quickly lead you to believe that the one you’ve just met is the best partner ever, and trigger the fear that no one better than this exists. Anywhere. Because, obviously, if you’ve never met anyone better than this, they don’t exist, considering that you know everyone in the world, and all (I’m being sarcastic, but just in case you do actually know everyone, can I have Russell Brand’s number? There’s just something about that man that makes me want to pick his brain).
Of course the one you’ve just met is the best partner ever. You’ve evolved to a place you’ve never been before and the Universe is mirroring that back to you. The man or woman you’ve attracted didn’t come to you by random luck. They’re in your reality because they match what you match. They’re here to show you what you’re able to allow and what you still want to work on. They’re here to help you evolve. If your vibration is in a good place, if you’re a match to a lot of what you want, then your reality will freaking rock. The partners you attract will be full of awesomeness. This doesn’t mean you’re going to stop evolving, or that you even want to. And as you do, your partners are either going to have to keep up with you (this is what happens in successful long term relationships), or get to steppin’.
In other words, it’s possible that the “NEXT ONE” you meet, can continuously morph into being the next “NEXT ONE”. In this case, you keep evolving, but you don’t change partners. If, however, someone gravitates out of your reality, if they stop calling, then all this means is that your evolution and theirs no longer matched up, and your “NEXT ONE” is someone else. Consider it an upgrade. As long as you don’t try to hold on to the old model out of fear, this transition can be fun and enjoyable.
Why do they sometimes come back?
But, what happens when a partner you were attracted to years before, comes back into your reality? Did you make a mistake in letting them go? Nope. All this means is that your evolution(s) took you away from each other for a while and then brought you together again. Think of it as going off to different schools and then meeting up at the same job. Your paths are simply crossing again. The one who was the “NEXT ONE” a while back, has now become the “NEXT ONE” once again. He’s not the same guy he was back then, and you’re not the same girl you were back then. Your lists have evolved and so have you. So really, no one has come back, it’s just that an old model morphed into a new one (as did you), and you are now a match to each other on that level.
Sometimes, as in this case, the “relationship” with someone is very brief. They come into your life, not to become a partner, but simply to show you something. This something can be positive (look at what awesomeness you’re a match to!) and/or negative (something causes you to react negatively, which is a sign of you holding a belief that isn’t serving you). Your intuition will lead you to them (the spark!), so that you don’t miss the message. This doesn’t mean he was the “ONE” (remember, the “ONE” doesn’t exist). He was simply there to get you ready for the “NEXT ONE”, but didn’t have the ability to continue to match you.
While I can’t tell you exactly what happened here without talking to you, dear Awesome Dudette, here’s what I think: You were focused on what you wanted, but you were also focused on this man, as a representation of what you wanted. There’s nothing wrong with this. He came back into your life because he did match some of your points, and it felt good. But, he also didn’t match quite a few of your points. I think you saw some of these missing characteristics, some of the less than ideal stuff, and you told yourself that they were ok, you could put up with them. You were willing to forgo finding the “NEXT ONE”, in order to settle for this man. And the Universe said no, because it knows that you can do better. Your “NEXT ONE” is waiting, and this man ain’t it, honey.
Your intuition didn’t fail you – it led you to the “NEXT ONE” and will continue to do so. You simply had the mistaken idea that getting an intuitive hit meant you were “done”. But that’s a little bit like a three year old saying “I have learned and experienced all I’ll ever want to learn and experience.” Awww. How cute. You’re nowhere near done discovering the wonders that the Universe has in store for you. It’s just going to get better and better. Let the “NEXT ONE” come. And the one after that. And the one after that. And yes, as you get closer to matching your own list, the likelihood that you’ll meet a man who can keep up with you through your evolution will increase. But, if you make your evolution, your growth, your happiness, your joy more important than anything, then even if a guy’s path takes him away from you, you’ll understand that nothing has gone wrong. Everything is going right. You’re simply evolving, getting better, upgrading, moving into more awesomeness. No, your intuition hasn’t failed at all, my dahling. It succeeded. Take a bow and keep moving on up. The “NEXT ONE” is waiting.