In my last post, Dear LOA: Are Men Hard Wired To Be Jerks?, I answered the many questions of Awesome Dudette, who clearly had some painfully limiting beliefs about men. Using my trademark tongue in cheek, lovingly blunt approach, I did my best to convince her that the reason she only saw jerks, is because she had her “jerk goggles” on and that the majority of men are actually spectacularly awesome. Full of love and appreciation for the male gender, I published my little post, rather satisfied that I’d stood up for my testosterony friends (you’re welcome, by the way). What I wasn’t prepared for was the barrage of angry emails I got from men, many of whom hadn’t even bothered to read the post, but were simply responding to the title. What became apparent from the surprisingly venomous language (not directed at me, mind you, they were mostly ranting), was that men, many men, in fact a huge number of men, are in pain. They’re sick and tired of hearing that women want nice guys, only to be left for some jerk who treats women like barely tolerable servants.
So, today I’d like to address the limiting beliefs that many of you men seem to harbor. Will I be easier on you than I was on Awesome Dudette? Ahahahahahahahaha! Aren’t you cute. No. You’re going to get lovingly slapped with the truth just like everyone else. Take it, well, like the men you are.
What’s wrong with nice guys?
While I’m glad to explain why women insist on picking assholes over guys who would treat them well (and I will, don’t worry), I first want to address the real issue: the reason that so many men responded with such anger to the concept of women being attracted to jerks, is because it triggered their own underlying fear that there’s something wrong with them. After all, if they’re willing to treat a woman with kindness and love and adoration and respect, and she actually rejects that in favor of some douchebag who couldn’t care less about them, then there must be something so fundamentally flawed about the nice guy, that it would outweigh all that other good stuff and make them undesirable. What a horrible, horrible thought. No wonder you all got so mad.
Never mind why women are actually engaging in this behavior. We’ll get to that in a second. But if you consider that you’re in charge of your own reality, you have to remember that WHATEVER you experience is simply a mirror of your own vibration. In other words, if you keep meeting girls that seem dreamy aside from their propensity to choose shitty men, then there must be something in your belief system that’s trying to get your attention. At a fundamental level, it’s going to come down how you see yourself (it always does. You can try to argue with this and insist that women are just stupid bitches if you like, but you’ll have to accept it eventually if you want to actually attract happy love). Of course, other, secondary beliefs can also play a part. Let’s take a look at some of the beliefs you might be holding, shall we?
Your crappy beliefs exposed
Women aren’t attracted to nice guys. This actually isn’t true. Women actually do want nice guys. They’re not lying when they say that. But, being with a nice guy can trigger some really horrific fears, so it’s often easier, and believe it or not “safer” to go out with jerks. I’m going to explain this in more depth in the section below.
Women don’t know what they want. This is often true. But it’s true for everyone. That’s what life is for – so we can figure out what we want. The fallacy here is that you think you have to give them what they want, whether they’ve identified it or not. It’s not your job to make a woman happy (and yes, I know we like to tell you otherwise…). It’s not your job to make anyone happy, except yourself. You can’t twist yourself into enough knots to defy someone’s beliefs. If they’re choosing to be miserable, they’re going to be miserable with or without you. You might be able to cheer them up temporarily, but you’ll essentially become their crack dealer – doling out temporary bits of relief, while they become dependent on you doing so. This scenario will drain you of your own happiness, while doing nothing to help them with theirs.
So, let it be ok that your partner is still figuring out what she wants (feel free to change the gender on this according to your situation. This information is valid for both genders and all possible variations of pairings). That’s part of her path. Just don’t make yourself responsible for providing it. You are not going to be the only conduit through which her happiness can flow. Stop looking for women to save, and start looking for women who are already happy. They’re a hell of a lot more fun to date.
Women always leave me. Yeah… that’s a limiting belief right there, Awesome Dudes. Before you get all melancholy about that, remember that this may not even be a bad sign. If the women who are always leaving you are getting better and better, that simply means you’re upgrading. Read this post to fully understand the concept (yes, the title makes it seem like it might not be for you, but it is). On the other hand, if you keep attracting the exact same woman and she keeps leaving you, you’re stuck in some belief you’ll really want to get rid of. The point is this: women leaving you isn’t the problem. If you are evolving and continuing to manifest better and better relationships, then know that you’re becoming more and more of a match to what you want. If you keep attracting the same shitty woman, then her leaving you isn’t the problem, either. The problem is: what do you believe that keeps bringing that kind of woman back into your life? And what would you have to believe to attract someone better?
Women are in control of the relationship. Ok, so this one gets perpetuated A LOT and of course, women aren’t going to do much to dispel this myth (I can hear my girlfriends telling me to shut the hell up). But the truth is, neither party is in control of the relationship, or at least they shouldn’t be. Yes, sometimes one party is more dominant than the other, more outspoken, more verbal, or even seems to make more of the decisions. That doesn’t necessarily mean that a true imbalance exists. The deciding factor is: are both people happy and comfortable with the arrangement? If the answer is yes, there is no imbalance.
But a lot of men go into relationships with the understanding that it’s the woman’s choice if the relationship will happen, as if men are just going to automatically say yes to any offer of pairing, slobbering, mindless sex beasts that they are (this was sarcasm, by the way, before you get all hate-mailey on me). Of course, this powerless stance breeds resentment. You don’t actually want to feel like you have no power. You want to be in charge of your own life, free to make your own decisions. Well, guess what? You are.
Both parties have to say yes to the arrangement. If you’re saying yes automatically, if you’re inviting women into your life who don’t fully appreciate you, you may just need to raise your standards a little (or a lot). Your choices are not between putting up with some woman who doesn’t fully value you, and being single for the rest of your life. But, and this is the really important bit, you cannot ask a woman to truly value you if you’re not willing to value yourself. And, no matter how much you want to slip into sweet, sweet denial about this, if you have been attracting women who are disrespecting you, you do not fully value and respect yourself. That’s why those women showed up in your reality in the first place. The following post will help to point you in the right direction: Are You Good Enough for the Lover You Want? (and yes, it will seem to be geared more towards women, but trust me, it applies equally to men).
Why women choose jerks over good guys
So, now that we’ve gotten the fundamentals out of the way, let’s take a look at why so many women choose jerks. Why do they seem to overlook the amazing guy right in front of them, never even considering him a viable candidate (the mythical friend zone)? Why do they often state that bad boys are just sexier?
The short and simple answer is: Because of their beliefs. I’m not going to go into all the specifics of those beliefs here, but in general, if a woman has a belief that she can’t have the kind of romance she really likes (because she’s not worthy, because those kinds of men don’t exist, etc.), then her reality cannot defy that belief. You might be a match to what she wants, but if you’re not a match to what she can allow, she’s not going to notice you in that way. It’s not because you’re not good enough, it’s because she can’t recognize what she’s not a match to.
Dating nice guys is scary. Yes, you heard me, scary. Here’s why: When a woman dates a nice guy, she has to get in touch with her vulnerability. She has to let him in. And she wants to. Dating a nice guy is part of what she really wants and therein lies the risk. She has to allow herself to truly believe that she can have what she wants, and in order to do that, she has to face all those fears and limiting beliefs.
It’s a bit like this: Let’s say that you want to be a famous singer. You’ve been practicing and visualizing. And then, an opportunity comes up where you can perform for 100.000 people. Well, if you’re not quite ready for that level, you’re going to freak out. It’s just too big, too close to what you want and too far from what you’re a match to. So, instead of it being a wonderful experience, even though it’s what you actually want, your anxiety just shuts you down.
Women don’t actually want to date jerks
It’s just that those jerks are often a much closer match to what they can actually allow. No one wants to be in a crappy job, but for many that’s where their vibration is at. This is the same. So when women say that they want a nice guy, they’re telling the truth. That doesn’t mean that they’re ready for a nice guy.
I used to think that bad boys were sexy. I really did. Nice guys seemed bland and boring to me. I often lamented that I wanted to find them attractive (I didn’t WANT to be attracted to jerks), but I just didn’t. Well, after some intensive inner work, I released a lot of ugly beliefs and fears about men. And over time, nice guys didn’t just become sexy, the bad boys totally lost their appeal. When I see someone being an asshole, I don’t want to fling myself across the room and insert myself between him and his tightey whiteys. My honest to God reaction (now) is “Ew. What a slimeball.” A nice, kind guy with a huge heart and a big smile holds a lot more appeal for me. But it wasn’t always that way. The reason this changed had nothing to do with the nice guys or anything being wrong with them. It was all me.
There was a time when I couldn’t say the words “guy” and “kind” in the same sentence without bursting into tears. I just couldn’t trust the niceness. I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop, the demon spawn that I believed lived in all men to come out, rear its ugly head and rip my face off (like in those Alien movies). It was actually safer to go out with guys that were openly douchey. At least I knew what I was getting. No surprises. It wasn’t that the nice guys weren’t nice enough or too nice or didn’t have enough tattoos, or whatever. The problem was that they defied my extremely negative beliefs about men. I just couldn’t get my head around the idea that someone could actually be that kind, that gentle, that amazing. I just KNEW that the evil spawn lived inside them, and I was making sure I couldn’t be blindsided. The devil you know, and all that.
I’m going to tell you the often unspoken truth here: there was nothing any of those guys could’ve done to change my mind. In fact, it was the jerks who helped me the most. Once I finally got sick of their treatment, I was finally willing to take a different approach. I had to have my own cattle prod moment (or several…), before I was willing to let go of my limiting beliefs. No nice guy could’ve loved or cherished me enough to make that change for me. I couldn’t even hear them. Their kindness simply wasn’t a match to what I believed was possible for me, and so it didn’t exist in my reality in any significant way.
It’s not your fault that some women (not all!) harbor beliefs that make them more of a match to being mistreated. But it is your responsibility if you keep meeting up with those kinds of women. Because there are plenty of women out there who think and believe differently. There are many awesome chicks out there who have made the shift and are able to allow what they actually want. There are women who will truly cherish you, appreciate you, and love that you treat them like gold. They will not try to control you, but want to enter into an equal partnership, one where you both get your needs met. If you’re having a hard time imaging such a woman, then you’ve got some work to do. Remember: you are in charge of your reality and everything that manifests in it. But, if you want to manifest something differently, you have to be willing to believe that you can have it.
So, how’s about we stop blaming the other gender for our manifestations or lack thereof, and begin creating the reality we want instead, hmm? I’m talking to both women and men here. And why don’t we start right now? I hereby challenge you to use the comment section to list what you actually like about the other gender (or whomever you’re trying to get with)? Use this space to help you line up with what you want more of, to get into a much higher vibration on this subject. Instead of expressing, yet again, why you can’t have what you want, challenge yourself to believe that what you want could actually come to you. So, what is it that you like so much about women/men? What qualities of theirs can you appreciate? What makes your heart sing? Go on, you just might inspire someone to shift their beliefs! Hell, you might just shift your own… 🙂