Awesome Nicole’s Burning Question: “So I’ve been doing a lot of work on myself for the past few years now (and don’t intend to ever stop!), and part of this work has included cutting people out of my life who no longer serve me. I’ve noticed that as I raise my vibration even higher, a lot of people who used to be my friends just aren’t on my level anymore. While it’s of course sad to let people go, it’s also freeing because it’s like getting rid of old baggage so that it’s easier to reach my full potential (not that I consider anybody to be “baggage” per se, just using a metaphor). But as I continue to cut people out who don’t vibe with me anymore, I’m very confused as to how to find new friends who ARE on my level. Now that I’ve got a lot of room in my life for new and awesome friends, I have no idea how to go about finding any. And since my vibration is on an all-time high level, I’m wondering how I can use LOA to attract some awesome friends into my life. And I mean truly platonic friends. I’m married and not looking to find a partner because I’ve already got one. Just need a new posse who gets me. Any advice?”

Dear Awesome Nicole,

This is a brilliant question and an issue that pretty much all of us will have to deal with on our journey to enlightenment. As we raise our vibrations, it stands to reason that not everyone around us will continue to be a match to who we are becoming, especially if the changes are fairly drastic. Those whom we attracted in our fear and misery aren’t necessarily going to love our new Happy Shiny Puppy selves. In fact, they might actively avoid us, like the giant, flying cockroach which you managed to trap in a plastic container in the bathroom, but which is obviously too large to squish (it probably knows Karate and will almost certainly drop kick you out of your own home if you try anything), and which you’re afraid to release out the window, because, being winged and all, it will undoubtedly dive bomb your head as soon as it’s free in an attempt to reenter what it clearly considers to be its holiday home. This can lead us to feel lonely and isolated. What’s a Happy Shiny Puppy in Training to do?

Why they leave

As you do this work, you’re probably going to actively be cutting some Negative Nellies and Miserable Marys out of your life, no longer willing to be sucked dry by their energy draining ways. But some of those belligerent bastards won’t have to be kicked to the curb. They’ll just leave on their own. Of course, not everyone who leaves does so because they’re unhappier than you. This is a total oversimplification (albeit a fun one, so I’m going to keep using it for the rest of the article). They’re simply not going to be a match to you anymore, for whatever reason.

This is an important point to remember when you find yourself sitting at home, alone, surrounded by cats and Häagen Dazs on a Saturday night, wondering why you’re suddenly being treated like a leper. Or, you know, cuddling with your hubby (and yes, I can hear some of you single, man-hunting ladies out there screaming “She’s married! What does she have to complain about?!” She still gets to have friends, girls. Unbunch those panties, put down the chocolate chip cookie dough, and put the muzzle back on the attack cat.) You are not being shunned. You are not suddenly undesirable or unfriendable. People aren’t leaving because there’s something wrong with you. In fact, they probably won’t have a clue as to why they’re really leaving. Oh sure, their minds will try to come up with reasons for why they no longer see you, which will all be arbitrary and vibrationally untrue. The real reason is that you’ve significantly changed your energy, and your vibrations simply no longer line up. They are physically unable to enter into your reality. It’s as if you’ve put up a new force field, which now filters out different people than before, and some of your old friends are simply not part of the new filter’s model. If it makes you feel better, you can proclaim that you must be THIS awesome to come in, and some of the people you used to know simply aren’t awesome enough. It’s not because you’ve suddenly started lecturing everyone you meet about how they create their own reality. Promise. 😉

It’s temporary

The next thing to remember is that this friendless state isn’t permanent. Much like the Void, it’s simply the gap between two distinct realities. It’s a transitional period, that’s all. Most people begin to stress out when they think “What if this is permanent? What if I never make any friends again?” It’s not and you will. Loads of them. And they will all be weird and woo woo like you.

How to make new friends

Providing that you don’t freak out about your social sabbatical, there’s really not much you need to do in order to make new friends. Just keep your vibration up, and as you make room for new people, they will eventually come streaming in.

But, for those of you who like to take a more active approach (and you know who you are), you can use this time to define the qualities you’d most like to see in your new amigos. After all, since you’re discovering your new identity (Who You Really Are), you might as well take the opportunity to create the perfect posse, your super friends, your Jackson 5, your Brat Pack (for us 80’s teens), if you will. Go through your current and past friends, and make a list of all the qualities you loved, as well as some of the ones you would’ve liked to have seen.

Qualities such as:

  • Emotionally stable (I’m putting this at the top, because it’s the one that most people forget. But, do you really still need all that drama?)
  • Great sense of humor (whatever that means to you. Personally, I like dry, sarcastic, witty and juvenile jokes. Yes, UK, I’m talking to you).
  • Intelligent (dumb friends can be fun, but honestly, you’re probably going be less of a Beer Pong and more of an in-depth conversations kind of person now. No offense to Beer Pong, though.)
  • Interested in self-development (Yes, you’re all woo woo and shit now. Just embrace it and get some friends who are, too)
  • Authentic (or working on it. You want a REAL connection. Superficiality simply won’t cut it anymore)

Check to see if any of these qualities make you uncomfortable in any way. Can you imagine them all in the same person/people? Or were you willing to sacrifice one or more qualities to get the others? Remember that you don’t have to settle. There are some truly awesome people out there and just as in romance, you can manifest all the qualities you truly want. If you do discover any beliefs that would contradict the traits you’ve identified, just spend a little time visualizing what you want your new friends to be like, until the vision feels better. Remember not to get too specific (note that the above qualities are all general personality traits. Try to stay away from economic status, background, occupation, etc. Don’t limit your friendships to people who are just like you.)

What to do in the meantime

Ok, so you’re temporarily friendless, you’ve made your list and visualized, and now you’re just waiting for them to show up. What are you supposed to do until then?

I say, embrace your solo-ness. You’re in or have just gone through a period of intense personal growth. Perhaps you could take some time to get to know yourself a bit. Spend some time with YOU. Discover your interests anew (they’ll very likely have also changed quite a bit).

  • Go to a bookstore and browse the titles. Don’t just look in the sections you’ve always gone to. Come in with fresh eyes and allow yourself to be drawn to what interests you NOW. Don’t hold yourself to old patterns.
  • Read. We never get enough time to read, do we? This is a good time to catch up. Also, a great time to discover which books you now like.
  • Take a dance class. Or some other kind of class. Learn a new skill or language. Or join a meet-up group. This, incidentally, is also a brilliant way to let your new friends discover you.
  • Think. Yes, think. Or ponder, if you prefer. You have some time to kill now. Why not use some of it to sit with your thoughts? I don’t mean in a meditative way. I mean, with all the work you’ve done, the normal, negative chatter you had running through your noggin will have been replaced. By what? What are your opinions now? What do you like about stuff? If you don’t know, conversations with your new friends might be awkward for a while.
  • Sleep. Glorious, wonderful, sleep.
  • Redecorate your apartment/house/bedroom/broom closet. Let your space reflect your new vibration, too. See what you’re inspired to.

In other words, get to know yourself all over again. Don’t underestimate the impact the changes you’ve made and will continue to make can have on your identity.

Bottom line

When people start leaving your reality in droves, it can be easy to panic. What if you’ll be friendless forever, with nothing but your hairless cats and a genetically engineered Mini-You to keep you company? Don’t despair. Raising your vibration NEVER has negative consequences (although positive consequences can be misinterpreted as negative). You will not die alone because you suddenly got happier. You simply need to make room for your new posse, which shall be along shortly.

I’ve actually personally gone through this change several times in my life (often facilitated by my moving to a new country after a big shift.) What’s amazing is that some of my friends have actually managed to stick with me through several iterations. They have also made massive changes to their own vibrations, and miraculously, we continue to be a match to each other. I’ve “lost” a lot of friends over the years, but have also managed to attract some of the most awesome people you can imagine into my reality. Especially in the last year. These are soul mates, sisters and brothers from another mother, truly authentic individuals filled with pure awesomesauce. The Universe has always managed to find whoever was a perfect match to me at the time and bring them to me no matter where I was, geographically speaking. And, as long as I didn’t try to hold on to people past the relationship’s expiration date, those who left, did so quietly and elegantly. Those whom I held onto, had to be crowbarred out. Just a tip (Let. Them. Go).

Your new, awesome, spectacular, funny, intelligent, self-developing, emotionally stable and super hawt friends will find you. They will help you to continue to grow, instead of hindering you. They’ll embrace the woo woo. They’ll support you, but won’t let you slip back into old habits. They’ll call you on your shit, while they own theirs. They won’t just be your friends. They’ll be your family. They’ll give you smooshy hugs and kicks up the arse when you need them. They’ll love you. They’ll cherish you. And, they’ll slap some sense into you. You haven’t “lost” anything. But you’re about to gain more than you may have known was possible.

Excuse me. I think I need to go hug my friends now. *sniff*

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  • Hahahahaha. I’m not sure if you will lose all your friends but you will lose some and gain others.

    Some people started labeling me as insane. Others call me weirdo. Others say I’m really interesting. Others call me wise.

    Just do your own thing and be happy. The people that matter will stay in your life.

  • Wonderful post.

    This is EXACTLY what I’ve noticed happening in my life. One or two friends at a time usually, but in the past year especially I’ve been doing a lot of work on myself and looking at my beliefs. So, I am currently in (and enjoying) the near friendless phase. 🙂

    What’s interesting is that one of my high school friends that gravitated out of my life when we started university is now back and our friendship is different than it was. Much more honest.

    It’s also interesting to see which friends have stuck around. And I was happy to realize that they check the boxes on your list. 🙂 A super positive sign about my own development.

  • In my view it’s like being engaged in an incognito vibrational battle. There is difficulty in recognising when to let go, difficulty in letting go, difficulty in soldiering on alone even though much internal happiness is being experienced, as you can’t share or fully share it. You recognise the benefits in terms of improved confidence in your own judgement and ability to handle challenges, but it is like separating yourself from ‘the tribe’ – really difficult.

  • Am I the only one who finds this a bit off-putting? Why is it desirable to only have like-minded friends? I find it a lot more fun to embrace diversity and have different friends with their own individual viewpoints and peceptions of the world. And abandoning friends and family, because they don’t share your philosophy – isn’t that what cults do?

    • I don’t think that’s what Melody is saying in this post. At least for me personally, I don’t want ONLY like-minded friends. For me, my problem is that I have NO like minded friends right now. If I told the majority of my friends that I was studying law of attraction, they would probably think I’m practicing witchcraft and try to lay hands on me and “pray the demons” out of me. Those are the kind of friends I grew up with and who are still kind of in my life right now. They are good people and have been good friends to me throughout my life and I would like for them to stick around, but it would be nice to have friends whom I could discuss LOA stuff with too and not feel like they think I’m some kind of unrealistic freak. lol
      A perfect example is my best friend since we were 11 (maybe 12). I’m 35 now so we have known each other for a long time. I do love her and I don’t want to totally push her out of my life. We had a great friendship as teenagers but as adults things are different. Everytime she calls me, it’s to complain about her job (this has been going on for a while now). It has gotten to the point to where I dread seeing her number pop up on my phone when she calls. I don’t mind being there for her if she’s had a rough day, but this is the only time she calls me now and this “gripe session” can go on for 45 minutes or longer. I have noticed that since I am raising vibrations, I don’t hear from her as often anymore. And it is slowly getting to where her “gripe fests” to me are getting shorter, when I DO hear from her. She is one of those people that would try to “pray the demons” out if I were to tell her about my LOA stuff. Which to me, is fine if she doesn’t believe the same way I do. I just wish we could talk about more positive and uplifting things AFTER the SHORT gripe fest.
      So I think this article is more about ridding yourself of the “negative” friends, not so much alienating everyone who believes differently. At least, that is what I got out of this post. 🙂

      • Thanks for the reply! I agree, if friends keep getting you down for whatever reason, it’s time to reconsider the friendship. I don’t discuss loa with friends either, because they would try telling me that all my miracles are nothing but coincidences. I don’t believe in dogma of any sort, which is why I found some parts of this discussion a bit disturbing. Maybe it’s not justified. I don’t know.

  • from the post
    ” I’ve “lost” a lot of friends over the years, but have also managed to attract some of the most awesome people you can imagine into my reality. Especially in the last year. These are soul mates, sisters and brothers from another mother, truly authentic individuals filled with pure awesomesauce.”

    I call these “my people”.

    sometime, I could be walking on the street or at a random place and saw someone who I somehow knew I can connect with. I started to talk to them about anything (sometime they initiated the conversation) and we would just click. Young, old, men, women, all sort of people. Many of them became my friend. Some of them I never see again but I know that if I ever do, I can continue with the conversation where we left off. It’s that good. One old gentlemen resonated so well with me, he offered me a job after knowing me for 15 minutes.

    One time, I was queuing at an oversea airport on my way home and I saw this girl. For some reasons I felt like I have known her all my life. Grand total of 5 seconds later and I want to spend the rest of my life with her.
    (what….. that was way too fast for anyone. am I crazy?)
    So I tried to talk to her. The only English word she could say was Hello. Words failed us so we made do with hand gestures. I tried to convey my feelings and she understood it. I can tell she really likes me.

    We were flying to different country. I was caring for my parents at the time and couldn’t just drop everything. My parents thought I was crazy. It broke my heart to see her go.

    The lovely airport staff saw what happened. She comforted me with kind words and we began to talk. As we talk for a while, I discovered she is one of my people too, she’s my “sister”.

    Life seems to have interesting ways to unfold itself.

    I would say being fearful about the future won’t help.

  • Oh Melody, thank you so much…this article truly spoke to me! I’ve been going through this exact scenario lately. Moved to a new city, new job, new life, new me. Alot of people have disappeared out of my life, and I’m genuinely not upset, nor do I really miss them because I know I’ve changed and we’re not on the same wavelength anymore. But I had been stressing a little, worrying I’d be friendless forever. I understand now that I’m in that transitory stage and that as long as I’m being true to myself, great people who love me for who I am will begin to show up (in fact a few already have)! 🙂

  • Hi Melody, this is the first time I am writing to u, but I’ve been reading your blog from January. This blog is the best thing that has ever happened to me!! Happy Shiny Puppy Hugs 🙂 I feel that the transition time is where you need persistence because it has that unsettling feeling, where you doubt whether what you did is right for you or wrong. What perfect time for this article to come out, as I just needed this reminder. I loove your blog! Take care.

  • So amazingly true! …as always.
    Having walked this path myself, I found that i have connected with like-minded, like hearted people in a variety of other ways too, e.g. online groups and forums too.
    Being open to possibilities is what it’s all about isn’t it? 🙂

  • Great article as usual! Makes me wonder a bit…to be fair all my acquaintances are happier and have better lives than me, I can seriously say I’m the less positive-vibrating of us all. What would happen if I was actually able to become happy? Would they leave me too? That’s scary, I already have to deal with not having a partner, now I have to lose the only thing I have (which is my only really really close friend)…

    I thought that when you got happy the stuff you want would just come. I want to believe diffrently but I guess life really can’t be that easy and good to us, right? Also what Melody said about losing a lot of people with each change she had is scary too. I don’t want to go through that, I just wanted a stable life with a long term partner and some close friends around, is this achievable?

  • I am in friendship “limbo” too. I still talk to some of my old friends sometimes, but we’re not as close as we used to be. I haven’t really worried about it much. I’m kind of a hermit anyway and I love the solitude and opportunities to grow. My hubby is pretty much my BFF right now (he’s a hermit too). Every now and then I visualize meeting a cool, new chick with similar beliefs as mine and who likes similar things to hang out with. And I can’t wait until I find her. But for now, I’m enjoying the growth process. 🙂

  • I love this, thanks for the reminder. I have also been growing over the past few years and have already made some new friends that are a better match to the new me. BUT unfortunately, some of the old vibe peeps are my family, CLOSE family. I’ve gently tied to push away, but they are refusing the space and keep trying to pull me closer and are making me out to be a villain to the rest of the fam “blood is thinker than water” “just because you changed you expect us to” “you are upsetting us because you won’t let us get close to you and your baby”. Melody, please help… they are truly upset that I am limited my time around them which makes me feel sad. Does cleaning up my vibe have to hurt people that love me?

  • Another fantastic post! I’ve vaguely wondered where my new posse is, too, and this post made me think. I’m still loving my aloneness and getting to know who I really am, and up to this point haven’t put in my application to the universe for them. I know they’re out there but I think I’ve been focused on finding me first… which makes sense since I can’t expect anyone else to know my awesomeness until I know it first. I think it might be time to explore who my new tribe will be; thank you Melody for the nudge.
    By the way, when I read “brat pack” I read it as “rat pack.” Just goes to show you what generation I’m closest to!

  • I’ve been quoting you in my blog. A lot. Especially lately.

    Your Happy Shiny Puppy wisdom is rubbing off on me, and I think I like it. 😉

    Thank you for sharing. I appreciate you.

    Love and light.

  • LOVE this article. I can soooo relate. My dear very best friend past away a couple of years ago-OMG we energetically connected sooooo well. She could make me laugh soooo hard even at times when I thought I was going to lose it. I realized she was in my life at that time for a reason and a season. Since I am all woo woo and shit now (LOL..Melody is soooo freakinnnn funny) I will start using LOA to manifest my perfect group of awesome woo woo B$#%! 🙂

  • Yes, this is wonderful and so timely. I’m in the process of experiencing the same thing. Once I got into the law of attraction, people who were really negative REALLY started to rub on my nerves, and I realized it wasn’t in my best interest to spend a lot of time with them anymore. One friendship ended earlier this year with someone I hung out quite a bit, and I admit that it was partly my fault. But while I was initially a bit sad about it, I’ve realized recently just how negative this person was. If I mentioned anything that was successful for me with the law of attraction, or gently mentioned things to her to help some of her current situation, I could tell she didn’t believe me. She also has very limiting beliefs about the world and what’s available to everyone which of course is not how I choose to view the world. So I think for whatever reason, what happened had to happen to move her away from my life.

    I’ve had some similar feelings (i.e. what if I NEVER meet another group of friends?) I run my own Meetup group and belong to several others, and have slowly started to attract female friends that I mesh well with. There’s one in particular that I’ve been hanging out with and she actually has the five qualities above that got listed in the post. Plus she’s into doing physical activities outdoors which is great for me…walking, biking, hiking, cross country skiing (for some reason most of the members in my group are NOT into this stuff, and yet I attracted one of the few members who is to do these activities with me outside of the group, which is really cool.) I actually have made out a friendship wish list to attract more people like her, and hopefully get another small posse going eventually.

    Anyways thanks for this post. I like to think I attracted it. 🙂

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