I am a feminist. No, I don’t hate men, and I don’t think anyone should be punished for “keeping us down”. That kind of thinking solves nothing. To me, feminism is about humanism. We all have the right to be treated fairly, kindly and equally. We can embrace all of our differences and understand that if we combine them, we will be stronger as a group because of our diversity, not in spite of it. Speaking out for the rights of women is no different than speaking out for the rights of men, or homosexuals, or different races, or religions. Each and every one of us is here for a reason, and a really good one at that. A divine reason, if you will. Not one of us is here by mistake. When we fully embrace that concept, we can start to look for the gifts that each one of us is here to share with the collective, encourage each other to develop those gifts and step into our full power. And when you focus on the gifts, you can’t also focus on hatred or intolerance or fear at the same time.
We have a ways to go, though
The way I see it, the goal is to move towards a society where every living thing is honored, respected and valued, and that’s where I put my focus. I am, however, aware that not everyone is quite there yet, and that many people still have strong beliefs that are keeping them from even imagining such a world. After giving the same speech to three female clients this week regarding just such a belief, I realized it’s time for a blog post (read: ass kicking).
It’s easy to blame men for the inequality that exists between the sexes. And while I’m not saying they don’t have any part in this at all (I’ll get to you guys in a second), the beliefs that are really holding us women back are ours. One of the most insidious ones may well surprise you – it’s the kind of thinking you might attribute to your grandmother in her youth. It’s antiquated and unenlightened. But it’s there and it’s causing damage, not just in our relationships, but in our society.
A woman’s “job”
The belief I’m talking about is the one that places the responsibility for relationships between men and women squarely on the woman’s shoulders (sorry my lovely LGBT friends. This post is going to be very hetero centric, but I’m sure you’ll recognize some really useful themes here.) Even though we’re squarely out of the 1950’s, girls are still often given the message that it’s their job to “catch a man”. She has to attract him, and then do her best to keep him. If she can’t do either, she’s encouraged to figure out what’s wrong with her. Perhaps she’s not skinny enough, or pretty enough, or too outspoken, or needs to be more domestic, or too aggressive, or too focused on her career, etc. Of course, there are all kinds of man-hatery beliefs out there, too, but I’m going to focus on this one today.
“When a relationship goes south, it’s seen as a failure. Because obviously, a relationship that didn’t last forever is totally worthless. It’s a waste of time. All parties should be ashamed of themselves for being so stupid as to have gotten themselves into it in the first place.” – the Earl of Sarcasm
And often, oh so often, the female relatives of the woman will come out of the woodwork with judgments about how she should’ve done this or that. She should’ve tried harder. She should’ve made it work. Never mind that she was miserable (they both were). Happiness isn’t even an option. It’s her job, her duty as a representative of the female gender, to catch a man, keep him and hopefully help him perpetuate his lineage (the phrase “to give him children” makes me cringe). And if those events don’t take place, well then she’s failed as a woman.
Soapbox time!
I’m sorry but I may need a megaphone in order to express the incredible bullshittitude of this perspective. First of all, it’s not a woman’s job to do anything. Nor is it a man’s job to do anything. We all get to do precisely what we want, to follow our own bliss, and we all get to be happy. Sacrificing Who You Are, your integrity and your authenticity, is not necessary and REALLY not a good idea.
Not only is this stance incredibly dismissive of a woman’s value, but it’s also unbelievably disrespectful towards men. Let’s start with “catching a man”. Like he’s some kind of animal who needs to be lured and caged and then tied up to keep him from running away. It presupposes that men are not capable of the same kind of cognitive thought as women. They are Neanderthals, incapable of being equal partners, yet also aggressive, violent, sometimes dangerous creatures that need to be appeased by women, lest they freak out and, in their attempts to prove their dominance, destroy the world. Or leave. Or cheat. Or whatever.
It puts all the power in the man’s hands. Women should be grateful if a man, any man, pays attention to them. If they are chosen, they have succeeded. There are many women out there whose worst fear is to be left by a man. They don’t understand that they, too, get a say, and that “being male” and “willing to put up with her”, are not the only criteria that should be on their list of qualities they want in a partner.
The reason this perspective is so damaging, is that it not only causes women to give away all their power and needlessly get stuck in self-blame, but it also completely removes all responsibility from men. After all, they’re just dumb, wild animals. They don’t know any better, right?
Think I’m exaggerating?
Think of this: when a woman gets raped, something that’s unfortunately still an all too common occurrence in our society, what’s the first thing that most people ask:
- Where was she?
- What was she wearing?
- Was she drinking?
- Were there any danger signals?
- Did she lead him on in any way?
- What signals was she sending?
Do you notice a pattern here? These questions are all about HER, about what SHE did to bring this on, to deserve it. Was she being stupid? Did she put herself in a dangerous situation? Should she have seen it coming? (Note, this is NOT the same as exploring what vibration she may have had that attracted this manifestation to her. Such a discussion would not involve judgment, which is rife in the questions above).
Here’s a question: What about the men? Why do we not ask what the hell gave this man the idea that assaulting and traumatizing a woman is ok? And even more importantly, why are we not asking this question?
Why are men putting up with this??
This is not an issue that can be healed by women alone. Yes, men, I’m talking to you. But not in an I’m-now-going-to-blame-you-for-everything way. Women and men can’t keep seeing these beliefs and the resulting chaos in segregated ways. Our attitudes towards each other and therefore towards ourselves affect us all. Violence against women is not a women’s issue. It’s not a men’s issue. It’s a HUMAN issue. It’s a symptom of a much larger problem. It’s not just about violence being acceptable. Why do so many men still feel the need to act out this way? What makes them feel so powerless in the first place? No one ever hurts another for no reason. It’s always a last resort, as far as the perpetrator is concerned. They often have no idea that a better feeling, less destructive option is available to them. This is what we have to get to the bottom of. Sure, we can just keep blaming men and locking them away in shockingly large numbers, but I think we’ve been doing that long enough now to be able to conclusively say that this approach isn’t really working. Men are not the problem. They are, if you want to frame it that way, just as much the victims as women are.
But don’t take my word for it guys. Here’s a man who actually makes this point better than I can. With poetry. And swagger. And, may I just add, sexiness (because tolerance is fucking hot, people).
Spread the conversation
There’s no hard and fast solution to these issues. We’re not going to flip a switch and eradicate intolerance in a day. But if we can do just one thing to get the ball rolling a little faster than it has been, it’s to have these conversations, to ask these questions. Aren’t we ready to move out of blame and into cooperation, already? Haven’t we all suffered enough? I believe that society is ready to move out of its anger phase now. Men and women can work together to empower each other, to stop being afraid of each other, to truly accept each other. And if we can do that, we can find ways to value all diversity, no matter where and in what glorious ways we may find it.
Please spread the conversation by sharing this post, Tabitha’s post and/or the video. Then talk to the people you shared it with and see what happens. This information deserves to get out there.
What’s your take? Are we ready to be cooperative? Are we ready to stop being angry and defensive? Are we ready to truly heal? I’m really looking forward to your comments.
Thank you Melody – and yes, I am waiting for those chocolates.
Now to settle some things for everyone: what I said was a generalization – I thought that would be obvious since I haven’t met every woman on this earth, and neither did I claim to have. Just as obvious that it was my opinion based obviously on the woman that were in my life – unfortunately, some, like family, are a lot harder to walk away from.
Anger? No, none of that came from a place of anger but rather a place of frustration. Frustration that after repeating myself ad nauseam for years I have to go thru the pain, or choose not to, to watch them continue to go down that road of self-depreciation affecting not only them but everyone around them – and why? because of some bullshit fairy-tale that was fed into their brains from day one, and because of that, their own self-induced lack of opinion of themselves. But now I am done, and have been for years. Yes, it is very painful walking away from people that you love, and that deserve it – but sometimes you just have to for your own friggin sanity.
While what I said originally was meant light-heartedly, many a true word is said in jest – and if it hurt you, you may want to ask yourself why.
A parting opinion: there will never be a level playing field as long as woman (or men) blame each other without accepting some blame themselves. But my point was, and still is, woman by default have more issues than men because of the crap that was put in their heads as little girls – worse, they still buy into that bullshit as adults and so act out accordingly – and dare I even say it – men take the brunt of it.
Thank you God for making me gay!
Done – and wishing you all well.
I have never understood these types of behaviors from men. It has always put a knot in my stomach to witness guys talking about (and to) women in disrespectful ways. I have never laughed at or encouraged any behaviors from men that I have been around that are referred to in this article and comments. I think that insecurities with themselves, ego and control issues can account for a vast majority of the problems that we hear about and experience.
As a man, I experience a lot of negativity and similar remarks from men for not being agreeable and supportive of these behaviors. Hopefully my efforts will show some of them how stupid and off putting these kinds of things are.
For the women, I see a lot of women that carry a very opinionated stance that all men are like this. That is not true at all. It is equally disheartening to be judged by women in this manner when you are not even close to being that kind of person. Guys like myself aren’t “doing anything to provoke that” either. Luckily my wife didn’t judge me in that manner and I am thankful to have found someone like her.
As always, thanks for the post Melody! I very much enjoy you and this community!
See when I hear people like Emilo or whoever rant about sexism, race or any other limited belief I think wow how miserable they are, however how great that the Universe has brought them to this to work it out.
There are some crazy B out there, that means Biotches and Bas Turds ha.
Anyway I chose not to attract them and my advice is the rest of you not do that either. Easier said than done when ur matching that vibration so I will say this, STOP IT! Some of you will get that 😉
Time to move on, get some higher vibes, have a great week all 🙂
Dear Melody,
Thank you for your blog which I’ve been reading regularly for a year. Love and appreciate everything you share with people. But I have to say that I disagree with your response to Emilio and I hope I will not be send to spam for my opinion.
I do agree with your explanation on the points Emilio raised, it’s the way you addressed it didn’t feel right to me: it was as aggressive as Emilio’s comment. And I cant stop but ask myself based on you comment …”If you’re attracting crazy bitches, you have a crazy bitch vibe” (which I disagree too) why did you attract such an aggressive person and respond and how many more did not come through but been send to spam. Block people like Emilio (whose comment I did not find offensive but just sharing his yes angry opinion) looks to me like your readers are not allowed to really say what they think.
I agree he is full of anger from his personal experience but he is allowed to feel anger, he is allowed to hate other people if this is where his vibration at the moment. And maybe if he reads you other posts on relationship he will learn and understand how attract it into his life and would be able to change his believes.
Hey there Alena,
As I said, you’re always welcome to disagree with me. And yes, perhaps my response to Emilio was a bit harsh. Of course he is allowed to be angry. Heck, I even encourage that. But when I feel that a comment is only attacking, and not from a place of wanting to actually have a conversation, I don’t feel it contributes. This is a place where people can come to grow and feel good. There has to be a limit on how much negativity is allowed, and when comments are attacking another commenter, me or an entire gender, I draw the line.
That said, I totally see that I was triggered. I think that’s obvious to everyone, and I am, of course, working on it. But here’s the conclusion I’ve come to: Had one of my clients come to me with this issue, my advice would’ve been to choose the best feeling option and for her to stand up for herself. Enforce your boundaries, even if it means looking a bit like a bitch (something we women tend to be afraid of, not to mention spiritual teachers…). Simply letting it go didn’t feel good. Not this time (it usually is the best feeling choice). And so, I took my own advice, fully knowing that I might ruffle some feathers. (The crazy bitch vibe comment was a joke, btw).
I stand by my house rules: you can hate people all you want, and yes, it can be healthy if that’s where you’re at, but expressing that destructively is not allowed here. If someone wants help, they can ask for it. I or this awesome community will provide it. But this is not the place to come to attack others. There are more constructive ways to express anger, and yep, I totally realize my own comment could’ve been more constructive, as well. I do sometimes tend to get a little too protective of this blog and the community we’re building here. There have been some rather ugly exchanges between commenters in the past that I didn’t stop in time that created a really nasty vibe. I regretted letting those go and it led to me setting stricter boundaries. I suppose I’m still finding the balance. Like I said, I’m working on it.
But here’s the thing: You disagreed with me and you did so respectfully. You stated your point, but didn’t attack. And here we are, having a conversation about it. That’s my point – be part of the community, add to the conversation, strive to make it better (which is exactly what you’re doing here, and I very much appreciate you for it). Why did I attract this, you ask? Well, I definitely partially know. I’ve been working through some old issues of powerlessness these last few days, so that’s definitely part of it. But, I also think that the blog community attracted this because it will lead to more conversations. Ok, now I think I have to go and send Emilio some chocolates and a thank you hug.
Thank you for your comment Alena. You’re doing it right.
Huge hugs,
Melody
Hi Melody,
It is amazing when growth come from unexpected things :)! I love that everyone in this discussion can identify their own areas for improvement (including myself). It is obviously a topic everyone has a strong opinion on because this is what we do through our life – having a relationship with other people, men and woman.
From my site, 3 years ago I could probably make a similar to Emilio’s list about my ex-husband and today can clearly see that he could have done exactly the same about me. We were a perfect match in our vibration at that time. As I started to learn more about myself relationship went from bad to worse… To cut story short we had a very emotionally painful divorce: both of us were full of anger and guilt at the same time. Today after recovering from depression and all this pain (thanks to amazing teaching of Abraham, Louse L.Hay and Melody Fletcher :)) I look at my ex-husband as the biggest teacher in my life. I am grateful for everything he made me go through because it made me who I am today, a better and stronger Alena. The man I have in my life today is SOOOOOOOOOO amazingly different to my ex and that is because I am different too. We are learning from each other and growing together but lovingly and respectfully.
I believe soul dosnt have a gender: we are all looking for the same love and acceptance for who we are! And I think the main work has to begin with loving and respecting yourself!
I am also raising a 7 yo daughter who loves every single princess fairy tale and it is not because I’m putting it in her head (in fact the opposite, I’m trying to change her focus on different things then beautiful dresses and prince charming). I think, she already came into this world with the same lesson to love and accept herself and she will go through different experiences (some of them will be painful) even if I burn every single princess book in my house.
Thank you again Melody for creating a place where people can share and learn from you and each other!
Alena
ROFL…”If you’re attracting crazy bitches, you have a crazy bitch vibe. Pure and simple.” Amen to that!
What’s up Melody!!!
First of all I love your posts and I’ve certainly learn a lot from your point of view on many topics.
In regards to Emilio’s response, I don’t believe he is wrong or right, he just expressed where his level of understanding – and maturity – is at this moment. At least for me it shined a light on how limited some peoples thinking can be (I can only imagine how it reflects in his life). Keep on doing what you’re doing so maybe people like him can maybe choose to see things differently. I really don’t know what type of situations this guy is constantly going through, but I guess it would help him to first: take responsibility for his own mess ( or the ones he attracts ), and second: read all your previous posts so he fix his aparent bad vibes. Hope the best for him though. 🙂
There is inequality because men are 90% sane and 10% insane – while woman are 10% sane and 90% C R A Z Y!
Why is it that a woman can criticize her man for what he is wearing – but we all know the last thing a man should do is be honest when asked by his woman if she looks fat in that skirt.
Why is it that men have to “prove” their love by doing / buying XYZ – yet when men suggest the same from a woman she goes ballistic and accuses a man of distrust.
Why is it that when a woman meets a man she needs to change him – try telling a woman she needs to change something (you know you not gonna get laid for at least the next month).
Why is it that when a woman is angry and you tell her to calm down she gets even angrier – a dude would just take a step back and chill.
Why is it that a woman, when meeting another woman, will check her out from top-to-bottom and up again – while a guy will just shake another guys hand.
Why is it that a man will just take no for an answer – but a woman will plot, often painful, revenge on his ass for years.
There is inequality because you (women) make it so in your pretty little heads! – Blame your parents for that. They are the ones that told you what a pretty little princess you are and read you fairy-tales. Now you have morphed into adult brats – but of course blame the men.
Why is it that (some) women reading this are gonna be thinking I am talking about them – while a guy will just be like “yeah whatever”.
Yep, y’all know who you are – NO, DO NOT KICK THE CAT!
Hi Emilio,
Thanks so much for your response to my plea for both women and men to stop blaming themselves and each other with a diatribe blaming women for everything that’s wrong with the world. Normally, I send comments such as these (pure attacks that provide no value and add nothing to the conversation) to SPAM, but I’m feeling particularly snarky today, so here’s my response:
There is inequality because men are 90% sane and 10% insane – while woman are 10% sane and 90% C R A Z Y! – I’m sorry sweetie, but the crazy bitch syndrome spans across all genders and sexual orientations. No one has a monopoly on that crap. If you’re attracting crazy bitches, you have a crazy bitch vibe. Pure and simple. Assuming that the women you’ve dated are representative of ALL women, is a bit like eating at McDonalds and thinking that’s how all food tastes. Maybe stop eating at McDonalds. Just saying.
Why is it that a woman can criticize her man for what he is wearing – but we all know the last thing a man should do is be honest when asked by his woman if she looks fat in that skirt. – Because women have better taste. Oh, and so do gay men. So, gay men are also allowed to criticize what you’re wearing. And metrosexuals. That was sarcasm by the way. Your partner is not “allowed” to criticize you. If your partner is criticizing you, you’re in the wrong relationship. And if you’re thinking about how fat your girlfriend looks, she’s in the wrong relationship.
Why is it that men have to “prove” their love by doing / buying XYZ – yet when men suggest the same from a woman she goes ballistic and accuses a man of distrust. – If you’re in a relationship with someone who makes you prove your love, you’ve got yourself a very insecure partner. Never mind that you can’t “prove” that you love someone. Go out with someone who loves themselves, and you won’t have this issue anymore.
Why is it that when a woman meets a man she needs to change him – try telling a woman she needs to change something (you know you not gonna get laid for at least the next month). Again, if you’re with a partner who is trying to change you, you’re in the wrong relationship. Also, if you’re with a partner who uses sex as a weapon, get out. Oh, and if she can sleep next to you for a month without touching you, without there being some serious issue (or new baby) involved, she’s not that into you. Contrary to popular belief, women love sex just as much as men do, providing they’re with someone they love and trust.
Why is it that when a woman is angry and you tell her to calm down she gets even angrier – a dude would just take a step back and chill. – Everyone gets angrier when you tell them to calm down. That’s anger management 101. Angry dudes do not just take a step back and chill. If they do, they weren’t angry (perhaps just frustrated). Trust me on this, I used to work in Vegas where I took away drunk people’s money. Load someone up with free booze and watch them max out their credit card. Then tell them to calm down. See what happens. Man, woman, Korean Lesbian Elvis. I don’t care who you’re dealing with. You’re gonna get hurt.
Why is it that a woman, when meeting another woman, will check her out from top-to-bottom and up again – while a guy will just shake another guys hand. Because men are afraid of looking gay. Gay men check each other out. Straight men are taught never to stray below the nose (lest you look at the mouth, which could be construed as an invitation to make out right there and then). Of course, I could just be wildly and unfairly generalizing here.
Why is it that a man will just take no for an answer – but a woman will plot, often painful, revenge on his ass for years. – A lot of men don’t take no for an answer. That’s actually one of the main points of this post. You know, the one you apparently didn’t bother reading before you went and unloaded in the comment section.
There is inequality because you (women) make it so in your pretty little heads! – Blame your parents for that. They are the ones that told you what a pretty little princess you are and read you fairy-tales. Now you have morphed into adult brats – but of course blame the men. – This is true. And there is inequality because men make it so in their pretty little heads. That’s what this post was about – let’s ALL start using our pretty little heads differently.
I get it. You’re angry. And it’s easy to just blame women and lump them all into one pot. It’s easy to do that with men, too. But here’s the thing: it solves nothing. It’s prejudiced and hateful. And, well, it has to be said: it will continue to attract the crazy bitches to you.
For the future: you’re welcome to disagree with me. You’re welcome to state your opinion in a respectful manner. You’re welcome to be angry, or display any other emotion you may wish, as long as it’s done from a place of wanting to contribute to the conversation.
You are not allowed to hate on anyone. You are not allowed to attack whole groups of people or anyone in particular. And may I just point out the wisdom of doing the equivalent of coming into the house of someone who is a staunch and very public advocate for men and pooping on the living room floor. When you’re ready to have a real conversation, we’ll be here. Until then, you’ll have to stay outside until you’re toilet trained. Oh, and in case you’re wondering, no, you will not be allowed to comment on this blog again. That’s what we call boundaries.
Hahahaha.
Melody, you have used up your snarky ration for the next decade, but of course your response is spot on. My base thought was “OMG! WHO is this guy dating?”
Lol, agree with you on everything, except my base thought was “OMG! WHO is dating this guy????” 😛
Wow Melody – obviously I hit a nerve. I thought you of all people would have gotten the tongue-in-cheek. Guess i was wrong. Girlfriends? No, boyfriends.
Hey Emilio,
Um, wow. No. I didn’t see it as tongue in cheek at all… I read it again and still don’t see it. Really? That was all meant to be sarcastic? I suppose this is the limitation of the written word. We really need a sarcasm font to avoid this kind of crap.
Right, in that case, I apologize for last 4 sentences (the rest I stand by). Those were over the top and unnecessary. And really, not representative of who I am. I got carried away, I’m afraid, and I would think that even if you had meant every word seriously.
Now, people might be wondering why I’m making this part of the conversation public: because 1.) I’m not afraid to admit that I overreacted and 2.) this is really valuable. If we’re going to have this conversation, we need to have ALL of it, as long as all parties are willing to participate. You clearly are, and of course, so am I (even if the snarkiness occasionally squirts out).
Boy, am I glad I did that vulnerability post last week. If not, I’d certainly have to do it now…
As I said to Alena below, you get a thank you hug. Oh, and this has to be said: I’m not being arrogant or anything, but it is rather difficult to trigger me, generally speaking. It really doesn’t happen often. So, you know, in some weird twisted way, you should be proud (tongue in cheek font). I really, really appreciate you for contributing to my growth. See? I told you that we’re all in this together.
Here’s your smooshy hug,
Melody
Melody I love the snarky you! I am sharing your response with some of my friends because the point by point comebacks make great topics for further discussion. When younger women see boundary setting, no bullshit, nonjudgemental examples of how to hold their power – they get more power! Maybe you could initiate a “I think this is SPAM, but in case any of you are experiencing this, this is how the Bullshit Fairy would deal with it” as you do for non-spam topics. Yes, at first glance, it was spam, but you turned it into something much more valuable! Thank you.
Ps, I think most of his comments (sadly) were lines from some of the more popular comedy routines on stage today.
Thank you Melody. Thanks a billion. Conversations about these issues stall precisely because of such inane mud-flinging and before you know it, we are back at one.
I’d like to share a choice I made for me: I am employing a very strict rule about the kinds of conversations I am willing to be part of, whether with friends or strangers. Here’s why: I’ve been noticing a trend where a back-slapping goes on amongst friends (male & female) using utterly derogatory words to intimate endearment or pure nastiness masked as humour. I believe this is part of the problem. It desensitizes people, makes them immune to the gravity of the actual crimes depicted by such words.
It leaves me breathless that we are becoming a society that uses ‘rape’ to imply a victory over someone else. I won’t allow it. I won’t tolerate it from my friends or anyone else. I wont allow my friends or anyone else to make it OK to bandy names such as crazy-ass bitch, hoe, slut etc in conversation whether referring to women or men – “what is she wearing, OMG, she’s such a hoe. He’s got another date again? OMG, he’s such a man-slut. Wassup bitch?” Notice how all too easily such terms come up in casual conversation? The kids pick up on it and the next generation becomes even less sensitive and aware than the last.
Change will not come in an instant but perhaps if we all choose to start with where we are, our little circles, stop the torrents of abuse masked as endearment or worse, a sense of humour, the change would come along faster.
That man is wonderful, and has lovely eyes <3
Who wrote this? What happened to LOA – vibration????
Thanks Mary. I’ll address this in the next (Thursday’s) blog post.
I was doing an online course recently with students around the globe participating and a fellow student made a comment on a discussion board that in her opinion i”women especially have better attention to detail and tried harder to do a good job”.
I was absolutely floored that a sweeping generalisation was posted in a university discussion board with no moderation. I did reply to her stating that I could not generalise which sex would be better at doing a task at work.
My real question to her would of been: When did it become okay to make out women are better than men as a pathyway to equality??
In relation to Melodys post I do also like the point that Melody makes here:
Not what was she wearing, what was he thinking?
How easy is it for society to blame a piece of material than to delve into the psychology of someone who is doing predative behaviour towards others.
And you are right it is insult to the cognitive thinking of men. Men are super intelligent beings not Neanderthals. Society needs to start respecting men’s minds and stop being so dismissive.
I am pro-people 🙂
Love reading the discussions everyone posted – there is a lot of food for thought.
thank you so much once again, Melody. Your posts have helped me nurture my inner puppy in many ways over the past few amazing years. Tonight we sicked up a big old dead rat and left it on Tabitha’s website. A strong woman is making a place for turning nasty old shit into nourishing compost (thank you Tabitha), just at the moment that this puppy’s ready to let go, and look who’s dancing in my inbox 🙂
I’m here on the beach at this shiny happy puppy party, and of course tails grow back when you let them, and -since I’m gleefully rolling in this metaphor – when you sick up the dead rat, you make room for hot-dogs (way to go,poet Jeremy! 1113 comments so far – people are DESPERATE to talk), and other high protein delights.
Bullshittitude – noun, abstract, singular – [bull`shit`ti`tude] – nonsense, boloney, delusion, figment of one’s imagination
p.s. Bullshit Fairy rocks!!!
RIP Mr Mandela.
“No one is born hating another person because of the color of his skin, or his background, or his religion. People must learn to hate, and if they can learn to hate, they can be taught to love, for love comes more naturally to the human heart than its opposite.” —Long Walk to Freedom: The Autobiography of Nelson Mandela
This applies to the battle of the sexes too.
Hi Melody,
Interesting topic. I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about these issues due to my own background. (Raped and prostituted as a child by parents who were raped and prostituted as children.) I’ve particularly thought a lot about how Law of Attraction fits here. After much healing and many different emotions, I’ve gotten to a point where I can see a helpful path to apply Law of Attraction principles.
I’ve gone from a childhood where rape was a major fear and expectation, to an adulthood where I have no fear or expectation of being raped. It is as though through healing, I inhabit a different world. I am surrounded by safe people rather than the dangerous, unbalanced people of my childhood.
So, my approach to using Law of Attraction with the issue of rape, is to look for and celebrate healthy men and women. I still have some distrust of men, but it has helped me to look for and see healthy men who would never consider raping a woman. During my healing from abuse, I would be brought to tears by seeing healthy, loving families because it was evidence that they existed. Lately, I look for healthy, loving couples to show myself that it’s possible for me too.
This is what’s working for me. I know that people have to be where they are to find the way on their particular path. What I get from Law of Attraction is the faith and experience that if I look for what I want, I’ll find more of it.
Great post as usual, Melody! May those who are ready to ‘see’, ‘hear’ and ‘feel’ be guided to this post through efforts of their own. Amen!
Men may not be the horrible animals you mentioned but they do act like it. These behaviours women have around men do not happen in a vaccum, they do it because men act in a way that requires these behaviours from women.
Yesterday I read some articles that made me so pissed and depressed. The article said most men leave when their wives get a serious sickness like cancer, and most women stay if their husbands are sick. Horrible, but it doesn’t surprise me, hasn’t everybody seen it’s mostly men who leave in marriages and relationships? Melody says
it’s ok when a men wants to leave but it’s not ok if IT’S ALL MEN KNOW HOW TO DO. They seem to believe they deserve a perfect girl and any other girls are beneath them, so they will eventualy leave all relationships. All women do is go from relationship to relationship being dumped and traded for another girl again and again because men are only gonna be happy when they get the perfect 10 girl (when men themselves are far from perfect). When all most of us women want is to settle down with a guy who will not leave and hurt us anymore. Are we women just supposed accept that men will all leave and just suck it up? This crap is not ok and it has to stop.
For example, I’d like to attrack a relationship but I don’t allow myself to because I know one day the ‘prince’ will decide I’m not lovable anymore and he will leave and I don’t want to go through that crap. If we do create our realities aren’t we women allowed to ask for men who won’t leave us and actually recieve it? Is this a possible wish for a woman to get? If not then I’ll just give up on having a relationship while I’m young and unhurt.
I’d love to believe that men are amazing creatures but all around the world but there is only evidence that they totally and completely suck. Even men themselves talk proudly about how horrible they are. A few articles ago Melody said men only act horribly because women have horrible beliefs about them. But I don’t think these beliefs came out of nowhere, men must have done horrible things for women to act so weary of them since pretty
much forever…If not, I wonder how and why the hell would so many women have had imaginary beliefs about how horrible men are since humanity began if it’s not true…. Wouldn’t that be extremely unlikely?
I’m sorry Mandy, but it seems like you’re focusing heavily on what you don’t want. You think that all men know how to do is abandon a woman, and you find evidence to support that belief or the evidence finds you (the Law of Attraction at work here). Reading that article made you depressed because, as Melody would say, your inner being (Who You Really Are) doesn’t agree with that. She (the inner being) knows that isn’t true.
As for what you said: “Hasn’t everybody seen it’s mostly men who leave marriages and relationships?”, I’d like to say that there are both men and woman who leave marriages and relationships. Some people simply choose to focus on how often men abandon relationships and others will focus on how often women do. Like most things in life, this is a matter of perspective and focus. You can either choose to focus on either side, OR opt for something that feels way better than any of these perspectives combined.
I also want to comment on what you said about how men leave their relationships for “perfect” girls and how women just go from relationship to relationship. This isn’t a random occurrence without meaning, and it’s not because men are men and women are women. A lot of people tend to look on the outside of someone for the reasons behind their behavior. I.e. people will assume that someone of a particular race or gender will commit some kind of bad act only based on those outer traits. But it’s not really about that. If these variables actually applied to people, then there would be no such thing as a black person whose nonviolent or passive. There are people who believe the exact opposite of that. I’m using this example because I’m biracial, and whenever someone seemed afraid of me (which doesn’t happen often at all though) because of my ethnicity, in my head I’m just like… Hey, I get scared when butterflies creep up on me. You’re really being cautious around me? Lol!
decide
When people abandon others or go from relationship to relationship, it seldom has anything to do with gender. I’ve seen women leave relationships and men go from one to the next. So, why does this happen? It’s mostly about the person’s mentality, not their gender. If a person is willing to dump another person over small flaws and differences, because they’re not “perfect”, it could mean that this person has commitment issues. When you’re afraid of commitment (and I’ve been here and yes, I’m female), you will find any excuse to leave a relationship because you’re so afraid of getting hurt. As for the people who go from relationship to relationship, there’s a chance that these people are afraid to be alone. They may feel that they NEED someone to make their life worth living, they need to make someone else responsible for their happiness. It’s co-dependence, and many people have this problem, who are black, white, male, female, gay, straight, blabla. That’s because it’s not about someone’s outer features, it’s about what they feel, think and believe within. As you can see, some of these behaviors are fear-based, not based on ethnicity or gender.
Mandy, you said that a lot of women just want to settle down and be with a guy who won’t leave and hurt them. But I think you and those women deserve better. I would rather that say: “I just want to settle down and be with an amazing guy!”, but you wouldn’t say this because you don’t think there are any amazing guys out there. I see a bit of self-sabotage here! If a woman is getting hurt constantly by a man, instead of jumping to the next relationship (as you said), she should sit down and ask herself some honest questions: why does this keep happening to me? Why has this become a pattern in my life? Maybe she’ll realize that she doesn’t love or appreciate HERSELF, so she keeps allowing men to walk all over her, use her and leave her. She keeps giving her power away to the people she dates. This scenario reminds me of a quote… “You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire Universe, deserve your love and affection.”
Dear Mandy, you don’t get hurt and left behind because you’re a woman. And he doesn’t leave you because he’s a man. YOU have to decide that you are loveable, that you are worth being in a beautiful relationship. Until you do this, you may unfortunately find that this pattern continues in your life…
You are 100% allowed to believe anything you want. You’re 100% allowed to have and create anything you want. The beliefs that you feed yourself will eventually start to manifest patterns in your life, this is how we “create our world”. Like Melody says, we have so much free will that we can create a world in which we’re miserable or one in which we’re joyful.
I think you should begin to love yourself, accept yourself and view yourself in a positive light. See yourself as someone who is deserving of love, not someone whose just going to get abandoned constantly. Change your self-dialogue because it’s only going to create more of what you don’t want. Your current dialogue is: I’m a woman, which means I won’t ever win when it comes to dating. I’m not good enough or “perfect” enough for a man to stay with me. I’m always going to be abandoned so I might as well give up on relationships. Of course this type of self-dialogue doesn’t feel good to you! You are giving all of your power away with this type of thinking… I think you should try something like: I’m Mandy and I’m deserving of all of the great things in life, including relationships. I’m lovable! I love, accept and appreciate myself and I only entertain balanced and healthy relationships. Now, this may not feel good to you yet because it’s completely opposite of what you’ve been thinking. I’d say check out the article Melody made about the emotional scale.
Melody is right that we attract our experiences, including those with people. You’ve been attracting men who reflect your beliefs back to you. I.e. your relationships, the article about men leaving women, hearing men talking proudly about themselves. The Law of Attraction is simply reflecting your beliefs. This is not about blaming yourself at all, it’s about taking responsibility for what you’re sending out.
Realize that it’s not all about gender… this is one of the reasons why you feel so powerless. It’s about a person’s mentality, beliefs and attitude. It seldom has anything to do with our outer traits. It’s just that when a certain person commits a negative act, a lot of people tend to say, oh it’s because they’re black/white/male/female/gay/straight! Or whatever else. But we have to begin to delve a little deeper than that.
I don’t know when you first began to develop these beliefs, but that’ll take some self-reflection on your part. I don’t think your beliefs came out of nowhere either, but it may be something you’ve forgotten or disregarded. I hope you can find out where it came from and began to heal and love yourself. 🙂
Sorry for this novel of a response, by the way.
April, You have a very good grasp of the LOA process. I hope that Mandy is open enough to understand it and take it all in.
I am looking forward to Melody’s post on the attraction of rape. I understand that it is not about what she was wearing or where she was. I have been one of these girls and I am not interested in yelling at the men but more interested in learning how not to be a vibrational match to such violence. I was much younger when this all happened to me and probably bought into the victim theory. I believe that I have moved past that level of thinking but I am sure that I can progress even more if I can understand where this vibrational match came from. This is where women will get their power and safety. Not by screaming at men.
This post could not have come at a better time. I have been doing a lot of reading on women/men relationships lately trying to figure out why my relationships with women never seem to work out and what I discovered goes against everything I was taught growing up. When I was going through my learning stage growing up I was taught mainly by my Father but also by society in general that it was important to treat people with respect and if I followed the principle of treating others the way I wanted them to treat me that everything would be fine.
I have always made a point of treating women with respect , you know opening doors for them , making sure I always walked on the kerbside part of the footpath when walking with them so I would be the one who got hit by the car first , In my relationships I always put them on a pedestal , did what they asked , bought them flowers to show my appreciation for their efforts etc etc , I must admit I do not cater to their every need I do know how to say no when I need to say it but after reading and learning about male / female relationships I am being told that women do not like nice guys that they if fact prefer bad boys.
To illustrate my point take a look at bikers (no I am not knocking bikers , in fact I envy them) I have yet to see a biker who has an average looking woman mounted on the back of his bike , most if not all bikers I have come across have women that could pass as models (and probably are) mounted on them , which has me asking myself WTF have they got that I don’t – the answer – they are bad boys and I am not. Now if someone can explain to me why women prefer a guy who treats them like nothing compared to a guy who treats them with respect then we might start to understand why we live in the type of society we know live in.
This sites readers are mainly women so I am asking as a good guy (who feels he needs to change himself into a bad boy just to have a fulfilling relationship) can someone anyone explain why bad boys get women’s attention and nice guys get kicked out of the way.
Melody this might make a good post if you are game enough to explain it to us good guys ” Bad boys rule , good guys suck – the explanation”
First of all, how do you know for sure that all bikers treat women badly? You don’t. Second, being kind and treating women with respect is not the same thing as putting them on a pedestal. Treating someone like they are superior, is the exact opposite of treating them equally. Seeing someone as superior or inferior are two sides of the same coin. It leaves no room for equality. I’ve never liked being put on a pedestal. I find it very unnatural to be adored. I’d much rather be respected and liked for what I am: a human being with flaws and weaknesses like everyone else.
yes Cori I agree:-) I also find it unnatural to be adored…..a kind, good man with hobbies and basically a life of his own , and not needing constant attention from me or giving me constant attention to the point it suffocates me is awesome:-)
John, I wish you all the best in finding a partner , reading and doing stuff that melody writes about can help with anything.
I shared the video separately on FB, in case readers do not take the time to read your article, and I put in my recommendation that all men watch the video. I do not usually comment on or recommend the links I put on FB, but this one felt like it needed my recommendation.
Melody:
A great post on a timely issue! I have shared your article on my FB timeline and already received two likes!
Huge hugs,
John
@Chris – embrace your manhood dude!
Seriously. There is nothing ashamed with being a man. Yes, I’m a white male who grew up in your stereotypical nuclear family in the suburbs. So what. I don’t have to let that define who I am. And anyone who tells me to be ashamed of a being a man or anything less than that really is showing the work and believes they have to work through, not me.
I don’t parade around dominating or conquering women. In fact, just quite the opposite, I used to have nice guy syndrome where I gave away all my power to both men and women equally…then I learned over the course of the last six months I can take my power back. It is me who chooses what to feel, how to react to and even live as a man.
I can have courage and I don’t have to cater to and placate anyone…surprisingly ignoring the peanut gallery kinds of comments from most people in my life has enhanced and enriched my life, not the other way around.
I have been in a couple previous relationships recently that were less than satisfying and I told the lady I was with that she was not meeting my needs (and this is beyond sexual tension). I just didn’t see myself as a good match to them. Did I learn yes? Absolutely. Do I have any regrets about letting them go? Absolutely not.
Heck, even Melody did an article awhile back about how a current relationship can prepare you for the next one.
Great stuff Matt , could not agree more
DawnStar,
I would love to read such a book. Keep us posted on your progress.
Hugs,
Amy
Hi Melody
Thanks for posting this. I found the video quite powerful.
It is actually the issue of male violence against women, and how disgustingly widespread it is, that makes me feel ashamed and disgusted to be a man. It feels like to be a man is to be part of an ugly caste that has a huge karmic debt, even though I don’t consider myself the kind of person who would rape/assault a woman. And yet how many men might say that last bit, and then go on to do just that?
My question is, how can I bring myself to be less ashamed of myself as a man? I have some ideas, like seeing examples of positive role models like the guy in the video, finding ways in which my masculinity can be a force for good and so on, but I find the record of violence against women often brings me back to my place of shame.
Also (and you might not be the best person to answer this but would appreciate your insight anyway), how would you reconcile being a male feminist (which I think I am at heart) with being assertive in sexual and romantic relationships with women?
Chris, there’s nothing wrong with being assertive in sexual and romantic relationships with women as long as it’s consensual. Everything comes down to consent and if you ever have any doubt then ask the woman in question that’s she’s ok with your assertiveness and give her time to respond. Clear communication and consent are the pillars of great relationships in my opinion. And I’m a feminist, a sex-positive eco-feminist to be precise, and I love assertive men.
Chris, I agree with Matt (below), you don’t need to be ashamed of being a man. Just because some men do horrible things doesn’t mean that they all do or that you are going to as well. I think it’s great that you want your masculinity to be a force for good. 🙂
This is one of those issues that used to have me binding my hands ready for the boxing gloves. This is one of those issues that had me pumping iron in the gym until I was so muscular I could’ve taken on half of the men in my county all at once and left the majority of them on the floor. I was just a teensy bit angry with men. I had my reasons.
That changed when I realised that men aren’t the problem, patriarchy is.
Just this week I was working in a school with 13 and 14 yr old girls. We got to talking and they told me they weren’t happy with the dress rules because they thought they were unfair. In the country I live, many schools have uniforms. This one doesn’t but the girls are not allowed to wear anything that shows a bra strap, a hint of cleavage, singlets that show their shoulders, shorts above their knees, skirts above their knees. The boys, have no restrictions.
I asked them if they had asked why these rules were in place. ‘For your own safety’, they had been told. ‘And to make you think about how you present yourself to the world every day.’
I was speechless. And something horrid lurched in my stomach.
‘So what’s good about being a girl?’, I asked.
‘Nothing!’ was the chorused reply. ‘Being a girl would be fine if we had a dick. Then we could do what we wanted, go where we wanted, say what we wanted, wear what we wanted, eat what we wanted, behave how we wanted and no one would try to change us.’
Melody, you’re right. We still have a lot to do. All of society and it’s institutional authorities are patriarchal. That means the standard is ‘white male’, if you are anything other you are sub-standard, less than ideal.
I’ve taken my gloves off now. I see that I used to allow the patriarchy to entice me into its ideology. Win or lose. Conquer or be conquered. Be strong or be weak. Be the boss or be the pushover. Judge and categorise. Bully, threaten, disempower.
No more.
My latest work in progress is a book of girls voices, girls words, girls feelings, girls truths. And it’s shocking. And it’s beautiful. And it’s time.
I want to read that book DawnStar. Thanks for doing such important and beautiful work!
Hugs,
Melody
Hi Melody, this is a very interesting post. Just today I was walking on the road, and there were guys passing nasty comments on me. And this happens very often in the place I live. And I was fully covered, so my clothes are not an excuse for that. I just wonder where peoples conscious had gone? How can anyone not treat another person like a human being is beyond me. I dream of living in a world where its not man v/s woman. Where I can wear anything I want and be whoever I want to be and the world would respect me because I am a living being. Were people would realize that their behavior is a violation. Surprisingly these are the same people who would make a huge noise about it if someone did that to someone in their family. Being a good human being isn’t about subscribing to any religion, or living in a particular country or being brought up in a particular way. It’s a choice. It’s a decision to treat others the way you would like to be treated. To realize that people have feelings, just like you.
Zalika, what you were wearing is irrelevant!
Zalika , what you were doing , what you were wearing , the very fact that you were walking down the road minding your own business has nothing to do with you doing something or anything wrong. The problem lies squarely in the face of those guys , you see those guys had no respect for themselves and when anyone has no respect for themselves then they will never have any respect for others. How different would you have felt if one just one of those guys had enough respect for himself and enough respect for you to say good morning , how are you.