Awesome Aubrey’s Burning Question: “Pardon the derogatory title, but in the past couple years, I’ve become a “fag hag.” I consider myself an attractive, confident, busy woman who has a lot to offer in a relationship, but for some reason, I just can’t seem to hit it off with straight men in a way that feels good to me – I’ve had decent conversations with them, but I often feel slightly uncomfortable about it, like they have some sort of ulterior motive and don’t actually want to get to know me.

In my experience, straight men also tend to be very resistant to the things that take up 85% of my thought processes – philosophy, art, self-awareness, love – in favor of more normal “manly” things, such as football, drinking, and porn (this is obviously a huge blanket statement, but attending a massive university in the south, my experience has proven it to be a pattern). Gay men seem like the natural fix for all of this. Many of them ADORE art and self-expression (again, a stereotype, but merely going off a good bit of experience), so I don’t feel like I have to hold back that part of myself…and there’s obviously no sexual tension or pressure in the equation. I absolutely love my gay friends, but I feel beyond ready to meet a respectful, emotionally aware, maybe even artistically inclined STRAIGHT man. Am I shoving myself into a safety zone and actually blocking my reception of this by continuing to hang around gay guys? Or is my “fag hag” behavior simply what I am manifesting as a result of my beliefs about straight men?”

Dear Awesome Audrey,

I have a confession to make. I used to be a “fag-hag” myself (and I agree, can we come up with a better title? I have heard “honorary gay man” or “Gabe”, a combination of Gay+Babe). So, I speak from experience on this one.

It’s all about fear

Of course, it has to be said, that generally speaking, we don’t want to choose our friends by their sexual orientation. But, being more comfortable with gay men than straight, and being more comfortable with straight men than gay, are two sides of the same coin. It’s all about fear.

You, my dear Awesome Audrey, are afraid of straight men. You have a very dim view of them and some negative expectations. Now, it’s ok to acknowledge that. You can’t change what you aren’t willing to own up to. And you may well have some good reasons for these fears. I’m sure your mind can come up with all kinds of “evidence” that proves to you that ALL straight men are oafish brutes who are only interested in tits and booze and football.

But, of course, if you’ve been studying LOA for a while, you’ll know that you can only see what matches your beliefs. So, if all you see are Neanderthals, it’s not because no other types of men exist, it’s simply because that’s what your filters are set to.

Why do we ladies love gay men?

And you are clearly not alone. There are many, many straight women who not only love their gay male friends, but actually create a gay buffer, where no straight male can enter. Why are gay men such great friends, though? And what makes them so different from straight guys?

The truth is, they’re not different. They’re men. And men are fucking awesome. Oh sure, some of them are really camp and will give us fashion advice (although there are straight men who will do that, too. One of the best hairdressers I ever had was a straight guy…) But, the only thing that’s truly different about a homosexual man is that there is no sexual tension. The whole romantic relationship thing has been taken off the table. And so, we get to enjoy the man, his entire personality, in safety.

Straight men are just as fabulous, but we often don’t allow ourselves to see it because of the constant chatter in our heads: “Does he like me? What if he likes me? What’s he thinking about me right now? Am I attractive enough? What if he doesn’t like me? What did he mean by that??” It’s not that the men are so different; it’s that WE’RE different. We shut down the chatter. When we take sex off the table, the insecurities aren’t triggered and we can just form friendships with the individual before us.

Why is sex so scary?

A lot of women are really scared of sexual relationships. They may have had some bad experiences, they may have grown up in a family where men were aggressive or even abusive, or they may simply have bought into the message that men are basically emotionless sociopaths. Sex, at least the healthy kind, represents vulnerability. You have to feel safe and let yourself go in order to have great sex. If you don’t feel emotionally safe, that’s not going to happen. If you’re worried that the guy you’re getting it on with is going to run out and give his frat buddies a play by play immediately after grunting to the finish, you’re not going to be able to enjoy yourself. Sex and relationships are scary to women who have a profound lack of trust. Gay men, who don’t qualify for sex, can therefore be more easily trusted and true connections can be formed.

But are straight men really that oafish? Of course not. Ok, if you get a group of college boys together and you get them drunk, Jack Ass type of behavior will ensue. Judging by what’s on Facebook, college girls don’t have much reason to feel superior on that note. But you can’t compare what happens at a frat party to what those boys are really like. And that’s really the crux of the problem: they are often still boys.

Don’t date a boy. Date a man

If a guy is still stuck in “I have to prove how much of a righteous dude I am” mode, don’t date him. He’s not ready to have a real relationship. Don’t try to make him mature, don’t try to change him, and for god’s sake, don’t tie how you feel about yourself to his behavior. Or, how you feel about men. Because these guys are not men. They are boys.

Find a guy who has already moved beyond that state (and age has nothing to do with this), who has figured out that he doesn’t just want to see titties, but wants to get to know the girl behind them (they all do, but they haven’t all realized this yet). Just as I would advise a guy who wants a relationship to stay away from immature girls, the goal here is to find someone who is compatible with what you actually want.

Is hanging out with gay men holding you back?

When I said that I used to be a “fag hag”, I don’t mean that I used to have gay friends. I mean, that almost all of my friends were gay guys, with a couple of straight girls mixed in and NO straight men. I had a great time, too. Do I feel this time of my life slowed me down? Not at all. It was incredibly healing. Having come from an abusive background, I was far too afraid of men to let them into my life. Enter the gay man.

When you form friendships with gay guys, you are still forming connections to guys. Just because they’re attracted to men doesn’t mean that they’re not just as manly. You can learn a lot about dating guys from gay men (because they are men!). You can also learn a lot about stuff in the bedroom, if you know what I mean, *wink *wink, but I’ll let you explore that on your own. You get a chance to relax and be yourself in the presence of men who make you feel safe. This is not a bad thing. If you’re not ready to do the same with straight men, give yourself a break and enjoy this safety zone.

Moving on

When, however, you get sick of not having any sexy time with the male gender, as you’ve indicated that you are, you can start to work on your fears.

Try to imagine yourself in a relationship with a straight guy. Let your imagination show you what you expect (don’t shape the visualization, just let it form). Then, take note of all the crappy behavior this dream guy (in your head!) exhibits. What does your mind think you’ll have to put up with?

Maybe he’ll disrespect you. Maybe he’ll just want to watch sports all the time. Maybe he’ll be bad in bed. Maybe he’ll cheat on you. It doesn’t matter what your inner movie is showing you, just take note of it.

Then, do your best to change those parameters one by one. Don’t try to change too much too fast, or your mind will panic, but do remember that you can get into this guy’s head. You can envision him being genuine (you can ensure he’s not lying by checking his thoughts), caring and totally into you. You can see yourself having authentic conversations with him.

This will, of course, necessitate you figuring what you really want in a relationship and then making sure you can allow it. When you believe that you can get what you want, you’ll attract it.

This will not happen overnight (although it can happen quickly). As you shift your vibration, you’ll notice changes in the men and the relationships in your reality. But remember this: if you are already manifesting great men into your reality, even if they’re gay (they’re still men!), then you’re not doing too badly. All you have to do now is to transfer all their best qualities to the straight man in your visualizations, practice that vision until it’s comfortable, and watch better and better straight guys coming into your world.

Yes, it really is that simple.

If anxiety comes up, slow down. Soothe yourself. But do look for evidence of awesome men, gay, straight, young, old, rich, poor, eligible to date or not. Look for authenticity, kindness, generosity, maturity, emotional awareness, etc. Don’t make one man responsible for representing ALL men (oh look, he’s a douchebag. That must mean they’re all douchebags), just as we don’t appreciate it when guys blame all women for one crazy bitch.

Bottom line

Some gay men are awesome. Some straight men are awesome. Some are douchebags. Ignore those. Remember that when you’re friends with gay guys, you’re still friends with guys. Notice how much safer you feel with them, and then explore why this one parameter, the absence of the possibility of sex, makes you feel so different. Gay men are not that fundamentally different, but in their presence, YOU are. This is the deciding factor. Begin to change your attitudes and expectations around straight men, and let the Universe show you just how amazing they can be, too. Take it from this former “fag hag”, when you drop the fear and begin to line up with awesome male energy, you’ll be amazed at the fabulousness of men, no matter what their sexual orientation.

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  • I don’t see anything wrong having friends with gay man, that makes less chances for having real relationship… Maybe its just your having fun right now hanging around with gay friends, and you were not ready for a serious relationship, its a matter of a readiness emotionally and physically…

  • How many type of relationship can a man and woman have without sex?
    and is there enough words in English to describe them?

    In many non-English speaking countries, relationships are clearly defined and have specific names. They also use different words to describe the feelings. For example: there is one word to describe LOVE between parent and child, and another for romantic LOVE. Feeling often has intensity and so there are words for them too.

  • Wow, Melody, thank you so much for the awesome Christmas present, it’s just what I wanted! I thought I had gotten rid of my fear of men when I became comfortable and safe in their physical presence. It never occurred to me that I was still afraid of them emotionally. I never evolved as far as Neanderthals, I was stuck with attracting every Australopithicus (the first upright-walkers) and just assumed that would be it for me. As soon as I understood what you said, I was able to release the fear of emotional vulnerability I’ve been dragging around with me for so long. It feels so liberating; thank you more than words can say for telling me the truth about myself so I could recognize it and release it. What an awesome gift!!!!

  • This is interesting. I think the key, like you mentioned here, is that the woman feels different around the man, depending on whether sex is on the table or not. If she can forget about that one part and just act normal then it shouldn’t be such an issue.

  • Hi Melody,

    “If a guy is still stuck in “I have to prove how much of a righteous dude I am” mode, don’t date him.”This sentence struck a chord but i am unable to understand what it means.Its like i understand it on some level but unable to decipher it…going to reread it a couple of times…the only thought in my mind reading this post was Melody is as usual on to something profound….thanks so much.

  • There’s two things I’d like to say:

    1) Audrey, I wish you all the best for finding a suitable partner.

    2) I am not reading a lot if posts (blogs, forums etc.), but it boggles my mind how frequently sexual orientation and/or gender issues are the topics. Seems to be a huge issue for many people.

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