Awesome Amy’s Burning Question: “You’ve talked about people gravitating out of your life for a reason… And that it’s always best to let people go when they begin to leave your reality. My question for you is, what if those people are family? Close connections that are drifting out of my life? I acknowledge that I am stretching my own personal boundaries and pursuing dreams that may be out of their comfort zone, but having my parents drift away has been very saddening to me. Having a sister openly choose the friendship of my ex-husband over me makes me feel terrible. The only positive feeling thought I can find to explain this, is that I have to distance myself from limiting family beliefs while I expand my own. Slightly better feeling place, but still feeling a bit bruised. Any thoughts or insights?”
Dear Awesome Amy,
Thanks for asking such an awesome question. Ok, so you’ve been doing your LOA “work”, you’ve been focusing in a way that feels better, letting the limiting beliefs that you hold come up and working on releasing them. Your vibration is rising, you’re feeling way better and the world is starting to respond to you in a different way. Some of those responses are awesome, and you do your newly acquired happy dance. But some of the responses are not so good, which you can handle, too. You’re getting better at setting boundaries and walking away from anyone who refuses to or is unable to interact with you on your terms. And then, there’s your family. Your loved ones. Your blood. These are the people whom you love, despite the fact that they’re always miserable. You feel a connection to them, an obligation to them that you can’t shake, and you care how they feel, no matter how much you try to detach. What do you do when they start gravitating out of your experience? And what if, as in your case, they don’t gravitate all the way out, but insist on sticking around in some fashion and treating you like the red headed stepchild?
It’s still all about boundaries
At the core, the solution to this issue still comes down to boundaries. If you own a nightclub, you’re going to have some rules of conduct and a dress code to make sure that your guests all have a great time. You recognize that not everyone will get in, but that’s really their choice. If they don’t want to follow your rules, they don’t have to, but they can’t party at your club unless they do (they can, however, go someplace else). You are not telling them that they have to change, you’re simply setting the rules for YOUR club. They always have the option to leave. If you don’t enforce the rules to your club, if your bouncer just lets anyone in (maybe because you think you have to or no one will come), you’ll soon end up with people who disrespect your establishment, the staff and the other patrons. Pretty soon, the awesome people won’t bother showing up anymore, because who wants to go to a shitty club, and you’ll be left with a roomful of douchebags.
Setting boundaries is like setting and then enforcing those club rules. You get to define how people must treat you if they want to interact with you. This is not the same as trying to change them, which entails telling people they must interact with you AND that it must be on your terms. When you set boundaries in a healthy way, the option to simply walk away must stay on the table, for both you and them. There is no one in your reality that you NEED to interact with in order for you to have the life and experiences you want to have. You can experience all the closeness, intimacy and connection you want, whether or not your family members participate on that level or not.
Boundaries aren’t something you can choose to enforce periodically. Just like those club rules, if you let even one person in who doesn’t follow them, it can affect the atmosphere of the entire club. One disrespectful douche can ruin everyone’s good time. Letting even one person treat you badly will affect your vibration, which will have consequences in all areas of your life. So, letting your uncle speak to you as though you were an idiot can actually cause you to elicit the same behavior from your boss.
Do you always have to walk away?
Keeping yourself in a situation that dishonors you will send the message to the Universe that you are not worth honoring. The Universe will disagree with you, but will have no choice but to mirror that horrible perspective back to you. So suddenly, all kinds of nasty and abusive people will enter your reality, all in an attempt to get you to realize just how awful that feels so that you’ll finally get some standards. Often, my advice in these situations is to walk away; remove yourself from the offending situation when possible, and when the douches try to gravitate out of your experience, for God’s sake, let them.
But do you ALWAYS have to walk away? What if it’s your mom or someone else that you love dearly? Well, that all kind of depends.
You see, you chose your family. I know, some of you don’t want to hear that, but it’s true. You did not intend to be shackled to your family, or to make how you feel dependent on how they feel, but you did choose them. They are always perfect for helping you release the beliefs you came here to explore. Generally speaking, our family members also have the capacity to keep up with us to a large degree. So, while friends and acquaintances and lovers may come and go as you keep leveling up, your family may well have a much greater capacity to keep playing on your level, at least to some degree. This doesn’t happen instantly though.
Let them catch up to you
The trick is to make it ok for them to gravitate out, but understand that it may only be temporary. Although there are exceptions, your parents would mostly likely not be your parents if they didn’t have the ability to keep on playing the game with you. And when this is not the case, they will often leave during childhood, as part of an agreement to help you explore and shift abandonment issues or the like. If you’ve made it to adulthood and your parents are still around, chances are very good that a version of them exists where they can connect with you in the way you want. But, and this is the really hard part, you can’t NEED them to.
You have to decide that you’re going to be ok without them. And I don’t mean “ok”, as in, you’ll survive. I mean, you can feel really good without them. I know. That’s easier said than done. Let’s take a look at why they would gravitate out in the first place.
Your parents and relatives are just people. They aren’t any more enlightened than you are, don’t have any special wisdom (sorry parents), and aren’t infallible. In fact, they may have MORE limiting beliefs than you do, having been born into a lower vibration than you were (the Universal vibration is always rising, so each generation is born into a higher and higher energy), meaning they may be struggling a great deal more with the concepts that are now occurring to you. This does not mean that they don’t have the capacity to get that clarity, it might just take them a little longer. In fact, one of your life themes may be to help them reach that level of understanding.
You may well be the light in your family that has come in to shine brightly enough to inspire them to finally let go of their darkness, as well. This means that you will be the first to truly grasp the concept of your own power. As such, things may get a little lonely for a while. Your vibration will be much higher than theirs, and as you may recall, this can make those with much lower vibrations very, very uncomfortable. When two people with differing vibrations come together, one party either has to raise/lower their vibration to meet the other, or they have to get away from each other.
Let’s say that your parents have a lot of fear and resistance, and your new happy shiny self is making them want to punch you in the face. You’re shining a light on their crap, and they don’t appreciate it. They were pretty much content in their denial, and your joy is making them realize that all is not as mediocre as they thought. That’s bound to piss them off, at first. Their initial reaction may well be to blame you. They may even try to get you to dim your light through guilt and manipulation, in an attempt to stay in denial. If that happens, stay strong and know that just because they’re freaking out now, doesn’t mean they’ll stay freaked out forever.
In most cases, after the initial shock and accompanying defensive response, and providing you keep your energy high and don’t slide into a worse feeling place just to placate them, your vibration will begin to affect your family members for the better, even if you’re not spending a lot of time with them. You may not be seeing much of them, but they’re not completely out of your life. They’re thinking about you, watching you, and will eventually think about what your energy is bringing up in them. It may take them a while to come around, but they generally will at some point. Again, this will only happen as long as you make the idea of them doing so totally irrelevant to how you feel. But, while you can’t NEED them to shift to a higher vibration, you can use the idea that they might, and your focus on their eventual ability to do so, to help you feel better.
In other words, KNOW that they have the ability to catch up with you, but that as the frontrunner who is inspiring change, you’re naturally not all going to be in the same vibrational place for a while.
Dealing with rejection
Ok, so relatives who have gravitated out of your reality may well come back in at some point. But what about those who haven’t gravitated out, but who are actively triggering you? Should you just disown your sister for choosing your ex over you? Well, you can, if that’s the only way you can get any relief, but I have a slightly different suggestion.
First of all, let’s just acknowledge that just because someone is related to you, doesn’t mean that you have to be friends. You don’t even have to love each other. You have no obligation to each other whatsoever, unless you decide that you do. This means that if a family member is truly being unacceptable, you can totally disown them, or divorce them, or whatever. And yes, this goes for any family member. Now, while not too many of you will have to resort to such an extreme solution, it pays to keep in mind that this “no obligation” paradigm applies even to family members whom you actually like. You are not responsible for how they feel. You can’t be. No one can be. You are not responsible for how they act. And you are not responsible for keeping the relationship alive (you can if you want to, but you don’t HAVE TO). So, if you are engaging with said sister or any other relative or person, you are doing so because you choose to, plain and simple. You’re not being forced to do anything (by anyone other than yourself).
Your sister also has no obligation to be your friend, to be more loyal to you than to someone else, or to choose you over your ex. If she resonates more with your ex right now, why should she spend time with you (when you probably both wouldn’t enjoy it), rather than with someone who is actually able to mirror some of her vibration back to her? You see, your sister and your ex are clearly a better match to each other than to you, which would make sense if your vibration has been rising and theirs hasn’t yet. You’ve left them both behind, so to speak. They’re simply regrouping, processing the impact that the changes you’ve made in yourself are having on them. And since they obviously have something in common (you), at least some of their vibrations are going to match up, allowing them to “get” each other, mirror back each other’s energy, and be an integral part of each other’s growth. Whether or not they take advantage of that opportunity and actually shift to a better feeling place is up to them, but as long as you keep your energy high, you will give them the best possible chance of doing so.
Your sister is not choosing your ex OVER you. You, with your new happy shiny vibration, are not currently a choice for her. You’re not accessible in that way to her right now. Give it some time. She may well come around again, but only after she’s faced some of her own crap and made her own changes (and this happens more often than not, and is happening more and more these days).
Allow them to grow
The idea isn’t that you have to lose the people who are closest to you. You get to have a family, even YOUR family. But you have to allow them to grow and evolve at their own pace. If you’re the first one in your family to truly raise their vibration to a really high place, you have to be willing to let them catch up, and that can take time. Just because you’ve now valiantly faced some of your biggest fears doesn’t mean that they will instantly do the same. Give them the time they need, even if they temporarily need to get away from you (and they often will, especially at first). Keep in mind that, as you pointed out, YOUR capacity for growth may be greatly enhanced by the distance between you and them, as well. Often, we’re unable to make big changes in how we see ourselves while in the presence of those who refuse to view us in a new way. In other words, if your aunt insists on seeing you as a helpless, irresponsible child, even when you’re over 30, it’ll be easier for you to see yourself as empowered and competent and awesome when she’s not around. Once you’ve consistently achieved that state, you’ll elicit a different version of her, one that has the ability to see and connect with the new you. This wouldn’t have been as easy or even possible without taking a little hiatus from each other.
And just as you may need the distance to level up, they’ll often need the same, not because you’re trying to drag them down, but because you’re trying to drag them up too quickly. Your much higher energy will hit them in the face like a frying pan, bringing all their resistance to the surface. They may not be ready to deal with all of that at once, but that doesn’t mean they can’t deal with it at all. That hit you gave them will have left an impact. It can shake them right out of their complacency (something they will not generally immediately thank you for), make them aware of just how crappy they’ve been feeling (ditto), and inspire them bit by bit to start doing something about it. At this point, your happy shininess is just going to annoy them. It’s going to be too much. Give them some space to face their own fears at their own pace, and you’ll often find that they will meet you, at least on some level.
Let them change
Of course, in order to elicit this new version of them into your reality, you also have to be willing to let THEM change. Don’t see them as closed minded and full of limiting beliefs. Don’t see them as unable or unwilling to change, or see your point of view. Focus on the fact that they, just like you, are on a journey, and that they are progressing. Know that they do have the ability, just like you, to get where they want to go. They can be happy. The entire Universe is assisting them with this endeavor. Acknowledge when they make a shift (be careful not to be condescending here), and celebrate those events either with them or privately. Don’t tell the old stories of how they used to be, or how they’ve always been. Look for new stories about them, stories that feel better, examples of how open minded they are (maybe in some other area), of how proud you are of them, of their desire to feel good. Don’t keep them stuck in the old energy, let them shift to the new one.
As you focus on the best possible version of them that you can imagine, as you KNOW that they can move into that version, as you look for evidence of their tolerance instead of their closed mindedness, as you keep making how you feel your priority, enforcing your boundaries and allowing others to walk away if necessary, you’ll begin to notice that your relationships will change. The more allowing you are of them, just as they are NOW, at this point in their journey, the less they’ll push against you and the faster they’ll shift to meet you. And then, when you no longer NEED it, when not having it no longer causes you pain, you’ll get to have the family you’ve always wanted. Because it’s at this point that your family have served their main purpose – they’ve forced you to level ALL the way up, to become TRULY allowing and tolerant, to make your own vibration your actual priority. They didn’t stop triggering you just because you got a bit happier. They stuck it out and pushed your buttons and danced all over your boundaries until you got all the way there. Aw, bless.
Im new to this LOA but I have now read many of your posts. Three thoughts are coming to my mind;
1. Does loa let us control others?
2. Are we able to kill with our thoughts?
3. Can we change our physic?
WOW! This explains a lot. My sweetheart is now using words that were never in his vocabulary before! “I am grateful for…”, “It’s a blessing that…”, “I am going to focus on the positive…”. This makes so much sense. The great part for me is that my mother and one of my sisters is all about this too. It’s nice having hands to hold sometimes along the path.
Thank you for this fabulous post, which came just at the right time. I have been having an issue with my sister, who is not speaking to me at all. This really helps. Great advice as always. For now, I am just allowing her the space and accepting that this is what she needs to do.
I think the majority of us deal with this at some time or other. What you’ve explained here, Melody–even if any of your readers choose not to view it from a Law of Attraction standpoint–is truly such a sensible perspective from which to see it.
When I became conscious of my journey (40 some odd years into it) and began to apply the knowledge I’d learned in my own life, it felt like the resistance of the entire world was pushing against me. In the past, this would have coerced me to give up–and it did, many times. But this time around, I felt different–stronger, wiser, and better equipped. I bounced back faster and easier. In the past, I think part of me actually enjoyed wallowing in the melancholy; after all, it was so familiar there… But eventually I got to the point in my life that I was tired of it. You run around in circles long enough, you dig yourself a trench, and I didn’t like sitting in the muck of it all any longer. Of course, that bouncing back stuff does take practice, but indeed, it does become easier as a result. Eventually, we start embracing the good feeling vibrations as being more normal and right, and we continue with them much as any habit, good or bad, is developed. That really is the turning point. From there, we can begin to make real progress.
As I continue on this path, I refuse to give up. I know what I want and dammit, I am going to keep going in that direction. At first hubby and kids seemed determined to thwart my agenda of sorts. It was like they unconsciously could not believe it wasn’t 100% about them, or that I was actually entitled to happiness and self-fulfillment beyond (and including) the family realm. Attempts to clip my proverbial wings have been made, many times. And many times, reveling, just a bit, in achieving the milestones in the progress of my journey have been thwarted by something suddenly coming up, whether it be a crisis or some other family-related thing (I always groan inwardly at the “perfect timing”). Sometimes it is a legitimate thing, and of course I won’t dismiss it. Other times I think it’s either just a reminder to keep my priorities in place, make time for all important things and people–or it’s that resistance everyone talks about coming along to make us take a cold hard look at our limiting beliefs.
When we make the soul commitment to something and we stay the course, yes, those that love us will push against it sometimes. They don’t want to lose us. But through our determination, perhaps they, with time, can get their heads around it too and eventually be supportive. It does take time to understand that we live in a world of AND, not OR (I heard that saying once and I really liked it. I remind myself of that every day).
I luv this post…..thanks Melody for making it clearer…its liberating.
Long term lurker, mid term subscriber, brand new commeneter 🙂 This post arrived in my inbox just as a huge family issue that has spent 6 years brewing finally got resolved. My grandad died last week, and ever since his death my aunt and my mother who have been mortal enemies since my gran died 6 years ago, have started speaking to each other and actually may be on the way to becoming friends again! I’ve read all of your posts on death, and it being a release of resistance (with my grandad it was a huge release!), and after he was gone I asked the universe, and my now completely vibrational grandparents, to help sort it out…and it looks like they have! Whatever was causing both of them to be so far out of each other’s realities (they live in the same town and never even saw each other in passing in that time) seems to have gone! I don’t know how or why, all I know is that I love this stuff! And I’m totally addicted to your blog, keep ’em coming!! 🙂
Absolutely Fabulous Melody, as always. I’ve been subscribing a fair while and am first time commenting (ever to anything), as the last three sentences are just superiorly priceless! :-). I almost commented on the last one about Teachers as it too was absolutely fabulous, now two in a row! You really are upping your game as you said :-). Thank you so much for this blog, and the thoughtful effort you clearly put in.
Thank you. Thank you so so so so so much.
I had coaching sessions with melody last year concerning this but with my hubby. I have been married 18 years not happy happy but also not unhappy – more a neutral feeling we had for each other. Melody and I worked through me setting my boundaries and it made me feel very much ok with either my marriage ending (without any drama) or my marriage going to a whole new level. It turned out my marriage went to a whole new level. But it also allowed me to set boundaries with other people. My family being one – some of them accept my views (which I always had but only in my head when I was around them) and another family member is less hostile about my standard of living being higher than her own. The others – I don’t miss them……..
Awesome post. I really LOVE the club analogy! Thank you!
Hi Melody! I want to begin by saying that you are AWESOME!!! I have been receiving your emails and blogs for quite some time now. Every time that I receive them they are always right on time for whatever situation that I appear to be dealing with in my life at that time. This blog especially. How could you have known that I am going through a familial situation right now where I really needed to hear/read this???! I tell ya, the Universe rocks!!! Between you and Mike Dooley, I am set for life and ready for whatever comes my way.
Thank you, Melody soooo much, this was so helpful and so timely.
This is a really tough one! My family has been out of my life for over 20 years. Thinking about everything you’ve said here. Thanks for addressing this. 😉
A great reminder to honor everyone’s progression – theirs and mine! Thank you, Melody!
this is so true
I had no idea my hubby will be a completely different , more loving, more kind person as I feel my vibration get higher. And he does NOT read self development books or blogs like these. He actually likes to play war computer games and watch horror movies lol. The change in him happened like by osmosis it seems. Same goes for kids. As for parents…will see how that goes but they are definitely more kind to me.
awesome post melody now I understand why people changed for the better around me
Wonderful post Melody – so clear and helpful – as always 🙂 x