Awesome Dudette’s Burning Question: “Why do we worry so much about what others think of us? Can we use the Law of Attraction to stop?”

Dear Awesome Dudette,

Just about everyone has this issue, whether they want to admit it or not. Almost all of us factor other people’s reactions into our decision making progress. Whether we’re trying to decide what to wear (“Is this appropriate? Will I fit in?”), or if we should live our dreams (“What will my parents think? What if people don’t think I’m good enough at this?”), what other people think of us is often the FIRST priority (and if it’s not the first, it’s certainly going to be in the top 3).

But if other people don’t actually have any power in our reality unless we give it to them, and if caring what they think is how we give them that power, then why in the hell did we ever start giving them that power? Why are they even part of the equation? And what’s more, how can we stop?

The Origins of Reactivity

OMG, doesn’t that subtitle make it sound like it’s about to get all scientific in here. Either that, or a good bunch of you are hoping that Hugh Jackman is about to act out another Origins story in full Wolverine regalia. Or maybe that’s just me.

Admit it. This is why you come here. 

But until good old Hugh decides to return the many calls I pretended to make, let me give you the short version of the story of how our thinking got to be so spectacularly fucked up.

Once upon a time, we decided to enter into a game of sorts. We, all powerful beings that we are, in an attempt to know ourselves better, created a virtual reality environment in which we’d be able to play out the full spectrum of experience, from absolute darkness to light. Now, you can’t experience total lack of light (darkness) if you know that you’re an all-powerful creator. For example, you wouldn’t actually feel what poverty is like if you know that you have millions of dollars in the bank. The best you’d be able to do is ACT it out, like in a movie or play. You’d do your best to be all “I’m so poor. Boohoo. How terrible.”, all while remembering to take off your Rolex so you wouldn’t ruin the ambience of the shot. Or whatever. I don’t know how Hollywood people speak (and I tried to google Hollywood lingo but for some reason just kept returning to pics of the Wolverine).

So, we decided to forget our power, Who We Really Are, in order to fully experience the full spectrum of physical manifestation as though it was real. If you’d like to know more about WHY we did this, you can read all about it here.

So, there we were, newly birthed humans (and no, I’m not going to go into the evolution of the Neanderthals and all that; we’ll leave that for another day. I can only do so much in one blog post people…), with a very general outlook on life. We were mostly interested in survival and procreation, which was, at that time, a full time job (the survival. Not necessarily the procreation. Hunting before humping, people). So, there wasn’t much time to ponder the questions of life.

Observe and experience

In order to facilitate our movement through the full spectrum of possibilities, we had to leave our natural drive to have experiences and then create ever better ones in place. We also left our ability to create and receive our reality in place (we can’t get around the Law of Attraction), although of course, we forgot that we had this power or how to use it. Then we added a time buffer, so that not every thought in our foggy little brains would manifest instantly. That would’ve been kind of a disaster. So, we made sure that you had to think a thought quite a few times before it became a reality, you know, to be sure that  you really wanted that thing to come about. This did have the effect, however, of not making it terribly obvious that our thoughts created reality. As the time buffer has shortened over the millennia, it’s become easier and easier to observe this connection.

Speaking of observation, that’s another mechanism we put in place. You can’t experience that which you do not first observe. And you can’t have a preference without observation, which means you can’t decide what you really want and then manifest that. The power of observation is key to the game. And observe we did (and still do). We observed what was happening in the world and drew conclusions from it. Remember, we knew nothing of how it all worked. We started from scratch (or the illusion of scratch), like finding yourself suddenly on an alien planet where everything is different. And half your brain has been taken out. Our human bodies and brains continued to evolve along with us.

So, we observed, we experienced and drew conclusions. Many of these conclusions were dead wrong, as we know today (although who’s to say we’re right today?), but we did the best we could. And many of our observations were actually quite accurate. At one point, we observed that we were a lot better off in groups. Survival depended on cooperation. Being ostracized from the group meant death. So, being approved of and accepted by the group became a necessity, one that we still believe in today.

Beliefs have to evolve, too

It’s important to note that the belief in the necessity of group acceptance once served us well (it really did keep us safer). It was totally useful at one time. However, it’s also paramount to understand that as times change, as we evolve, so must our beliefs. All limiting beliefs were once perspectives that served us. The reason they became limiting is because we have evolved beyond them. Let me give you a couple of examples:

Example #1: When you were 5 years old, your favorite book was probably one with a lot of pictures and a simple story. There might have been a caterpillar, for example, who had fun adventures with other insect and animal friends. You loved the colorful illustrations and the short story, and could have had it read to you over and over again. How do you feel about that book now? Do you still want to read it? Would you enjoy it as much? Or have you moved on to much more complex stories? That children’s book is like a belief. When you were 5 it served you. Holding on to a limiting belief is like trying to force yourself to keep on reading that Caterpillar book over and over. It’s not going to be fun for you anymore.

Example #2: If you were a commoner in Medieval times, your life was pretty hard. The king and nobles had all the power and could do whatever they wanted. There was pretty much nothing you could do about it. So, the thought of a vengeful, angry God would’ve made you feel a lot better. Maybe you couldn’t get the stupid nobleman who stole your sheep back, but God could. And would. The idea of them all being stuck in hell for eternity would’ve brought you immense relief. Fast forward a few centuries and the idea of an angry, violent, rage-filled God doesn’t feel so good anymore. In fact, when we began applying the concept of vengeance not only to those who wronged us, but to ourselves, when it became a possibility that we would join the assholes in those hell fires, the idea became a lot less palatable. A concept that once brought relief, now instilled us with fear.

And so it is with all beliefs.

Why we still care what others think

Now that you know how a good belief turns bad, let’s look at how we, in the modern world, keep on deciding that what others think of us is important. You see, when you’re born, you’re much like that foggy Neanderthal for the first 5-7 years of your life. You have this innate knowing and intention, but you have to learn the rules of the game that you’ve entered. You have to catch up and figure out where we are now. So, you spend a few years downloading all the info you can, accepting it all as truth, and getting your bearings, so to speak. And when you’ve soaked up enough of the good, bad and ugly, you start the process of making decisions for yourself.  This will generally become apparent in the teenage years and depending on how hard those around you try to convince you to just keep your programming in place, and how determined you are to figure out what’s really true for you, it can get pretty ugly.

One of the “rules” you’re taught is that what your parents think of you, really, really matters. The old belief of survival through group acceptance is still in there somewhere, but mostly it’s just a matter of observation. When your mom and dad smile at you, you feel good. You feel good when they feel good. And if you’ve come to be a teacher and uplifted (and if you’re reading this, you almost certainly have), you’re going to equate their good feelings with a job well done. But when they don’t feel good, you want to make them feel better. So, you observe what makes them happy and you try to DO whatever that is. If they still fail to cheer up, you feel like a failure. And thus begins the ugly cycle of believing that what others think of us matters. A lot.

There’s also the fact that we are still, to a degree, mired in the fog of forgetfulness. We are not yet completely aware of our power, although our innate knowing is stronger than it’s ever been. So, there’s still a certain degree of powerlessness and acceptance thereof. We don’t question the fact that someone else has power over us. Our willingness to accept that belief has shrunk with each generation, and today’s kids rebel against this idea more than any other, but if everyone in your reality keeps on insisting that this is how shit works, you’re going to accept it eventually. And even when your natural drive to start thinking for yourself and question things kicks in (and it’s kicking in earlier and earlier), you may find yourself defaulting to the group consensus out of fear for your survival.

It’s time to break the cycle

This is all, however, changing. As I said, each generation is becoming less and less willing to accept these bogus beliefs. And for some of us, it’s time to let them go altogether. We’re waking up now; we’re waking up to the fact that this is a game, that we have a lot more power over our reality than we’ve previously thought. And as a result of this awakening, the game is changing. So now, we can actually accept the idea that energetically speaking, another person truly has no power over us. That we, and we alone determine what comes into our reality. That we are more powerful than we could’ve ever previously imagined.

And that leads me to the answer that you’re now ready to hear. Why do you care what other people think of you? Because you choose to. Because you keep on deciding to, over and over. Because it never seriously occurred to you not to. Until now.

How do you stop caring what others think of you? You decide that what you think is more important. Of course, in order to do that, you have to first give yourself permission to think what you truly want to think, instead of what you think others want you to think. This is kind of a big issue for humanity. A lot of what I do in my coaching practice is to give people permission to acknowledge their true feelings and preferences, often for the first time in their lives. The relief that comes with admitting how you feel (“I hate my job.”, “I don’t feel safe”, “I don’t want to settle anymore!”), is palpable and the first step to leaving the old game behind. The second step is giving what you think more importance than what anyone else thinks, and living from that perspective.

Play the new game

It’s time to move into the new game. When you decide that what you want and what you feel is more important than what other people think, when you own your power, you take yourself out of the construct of the old game. You move out of the Fog of Forgetfulness and into the Era of Empowerment (is this some epic shit or what?).

I know, I know, I could’ve written another post about how to stop giving your power away, but I’ve done that. And you’re ready for more. This stuff isn’t theoretical. It’s real. It’s who we are. And it’s a lot easier than we’ve been making it. The very fact that you’ve realized that you care what others think, even when it clearly doesn’t serve you, and that you want to stop doing that is a sign that you’re ready to move out of that construct.

Caring about the opinion of others once served you. As a caveperson and as a baby, you were dependent on group acceptance. But now, in this era and as an adult, you no longer need to cater to others’ whims, not for survival and not for happiness. It’s time now to focus on feeling good, on emanating the vibration that you want to experience in your reality, instead of simply observing and experiencing. It’s time to decide what you want to experience and then bring that into your reality.  It’s time to take a more active role. It’s time to play a whole new game.