What can you do if you’re being bullied? Should you stand up for yourself, or will that just make it worse? Watch today’s video to find out how to shift your energy into a much more powerful place.
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Awesome Sam’s Burning Question:
“Hi Melody, I have identified that the current message the universe is trying to get through to me is that I do not believe I am powerful. I’ve been confronted with the extent of my people pleasing, how much I give my power away, and the fear I feel/anticipate when having my own voice.
Because I am at the very beginning of turning the tide of this well practiced illusion, can you suggest some *practical* baby steps or exercises I can do that results in the universe reflecting back to me demonstrations/evidence that I am powerful (i.e. so it’s a felt experience)?
I am being bullied, maligned and undermined at work and realize the universe wants me to step up, confront my fears and be healed. I have tried to stay in my center but the fear energy isn’t shifting, so I wondered about practicing and experiencing feeling my own power in a different arena so I can translate that growing confidence to the work arena.”
Transcript
Well thank you so much Awesome Sam, because I think that this is something that a lot of people have to deal with, particularly in the area of being bullied. So, I am very happy to have the chance to answer this question once again. I have addressed it a couple of times on the blog, but I don’t believe I’ve made a video about it; so here we go…
The best technique that I can give you for getting back your power, and I’ve talked a lot about this, is anger – to allow yourself to get angry. That does not mean that you have to try to get angry. But I’m guessing that, right now, you’re suppressing an extraordinary amount of anger. Every time somebody does something to you, bullies you, or slights you, you want to get angry, but there’s a constructive way to release anger and there’s a destructive way to release anger.
What’s the difference?
A destructive way to release anger would be to punch your boss in the face, but that’s not going to go well for you in the long run. A constructive way to release anger is to do the anger release at home, and here are my three rules for a constructive, healing anger release.
1) The first rule is: If you can, do it by yourself. Most people do not know how to handle anger; they’re very afraid of it. They think if you get angry, they have to shut you down in some way, and they are going to be very good at doing that, especially if you are not fully in your power. If you are by yourself, it’s less likely to happen. I say “less likely”, because you can still shut yourself down by feeling guilty about what comes out of your mouth, or by being afraid of the anger yourself.
You’ll want to create an environment in which you feel safe to let the anger out, and you want to give yourself full permission to let it out. If you are by yourself in a safe environment, you can find some couch cushions that you can punch, something that you can hit or kick without hurting yourself (or it). You may want to journal it out and say really ugly things that you’ll never send to anyone; you’ll never let anyone see. Do it safely and do it by yourself or with a trained professional, and keep in mind that not all therapists can handle anger either. Make sure the person you are doing it with is trained to handle anger and that they do not try to shut your anger down in any way. It’s usually easier to just do it by yourself.
2) The second rule that I have is: Do not censor anything that comes out of your mouth. Here’s a wonderful metaphor that will gross you out forever: Think of it like taking an emotional poo! It’s not going to be pretty what comes out of there; you’ve been constipated for a long time… It’s not going to be pretty, but its better out than in, I say! I told you it was going to be gross and it will stick with you. You’re welcome for the visual!
Go with the anger release; do NOT judge anything that comes out. You can say that you hate people; you can say that you want to hurt them that you want to kill them even! It will not make you a sociopath; do not worry about that. You are not creating anything negative in the world by doing this. You are letting what is already there – out. You are not focusing in a way that’s going to create negative things, and you are not sending negative vibes to people. You already have this within you, now you’re just letting it out and releasing it so that it can shift to a more empowered, positive place.
3) The third rule of an anger release that I have for you is: You can be angry at anyone and anything; anything is fair game, your mom, your kids, even me; I don’t care – but not yourself, not ever yourself. That gets you locked into the “Cycle of Doom”, where you vacillate between blaming yourself, getting a bit angry to release some of the pressure, blaming yourself, getting rid of some your anger and releasing some of the pressure, and so on, and you’re caught in the Cycle of Doom, keeping yourself stuck. I’m guessing that you are doing a version of that right now, where you have some anger coming up, but you won’t allow it, and you then push it back into powerlessness. That will keep you stuck.
How do you get out of the cycle?
The way out of that is to get angry, but get angry constructively. That means when you are being bullied, the first thing is: Do not stand up to the bully, because you are not coming from an empowered place. All you are going to do is manifest more bullying behavior towards you – more evidence that you are not strong. What you do is, you go home and you get angry and you imagine beating up the bully, you give yourself super powers and you fling him across the State if you need to. Do whatever you’ve got to do so that you actually feel more empowered. You keep that going until you feel a sense of relief. Do not shut it down too early and do not try to evaluate it in that moment. When you are having the anger release, in that moment, your mind does not need to be involved at all. For example, thinking “Does this come from my anger at my father? Does this come from something else that I did when I was three?” In that moment, don’t worry about that; you can evaluate later if you need to.
What it’s really about is feeling that emotion and letting that emotion empower you, because this is what anger does. When you are sitting in the corner and you are cowering in the fetal position and somebody is beating you up, when they are bullying you and beating you, that’s powerlessness; and that equates to sadness and depression. You are sitting there and letting it happen, and you don’t think there’s anything you can do about it. What anger does, is it makes you stand up and shout, “Screw this! I’m not taking this anymore! I’m going to do something about it so you’d better back off or I’m going to start hitting back so that I can get out of this corner and get away from you!” Getting angry makes you sit up and not take it anymore and it can feel really ugly, really volatile, and to many people in our society it can feel really scary, because they think it can land them in prison.
This is why you want to have a constructive anger release rather than a destructive anger release. A destructive, uncontrolled anger release happens when you continually suppress anger, and at some point that pressure cooker is going to explode. With a constructive anger release you are consciously taking the cooker off the heat and letting the pressure out, so that the explosion never happens. You may have to have more than one anger release if you’ve been powerless for a long time, but I promise you, you will feel better after.
Once you’ve done that, if the manifestation persists, you can then get into setting boundaries. But, that’s really not going to work for you if you’re still in total powerlessness, and that’s why it hasn’t really worked for you. You’re still in fear and you’re the scared little guy who wants to go up to the big bully and say (in a tiny voice), “Umm……..I’m not taking this anymore?” That’s not going to work. You need to empower yourself first. That doesn’t mean you have to bully people, but in that anger release it may feel like you want to. This is where the constructive release comes in, because in your mind or your visualization, you can do anything that you want. If you want to pound people into the ground, or fling them across the city, or dump them out the window, that’s all fine; do not be afraid of that. You will not become a sociopath, that’s not how that happens. Give your anger free rein in a constructive and safe way. Do not be afraid of the emotion.
Bottom Line
You’ll notice that you might have to be angry for an hour or two, but you will get to a place where you feel the relief of it. You might feel a bit tense, you might feel tired, you might have to sleep (again the analogy of taking that big poo comes in), and then the energy will settle and you will start to feel a lot better. This is how you get out of powerlessness into empowerment. By the way, I explain this entire process in nitty gritty detail in my book, so go ahead and buy it and read it cover to cover, and you’ll be all enlightened and shit! You’re welcome!
I hope I’ve answered your question. Do give it a try and let me know what you think. If you’ve had experiences with powerlessness and then becoming more empowered, please share them with us in the comments below.
Huge happy shiny puppy hugs to all of you, and see you next time.
Bye!
Additional Resources
How to Disarm a Passive Aggressive Douchebag
Quiet Strength – How to Stand Up for Yourself Without Being a Bitch
It’s Here! It’s Here! The Book is Finally Here!
Dang I needed to hear this!! Recently, I’ve been manifesting people saying things to me that made me feel the emotion of powerlessness and like I’m wrong, broken, and not ok. Even though I’ve read your previous articles about anger, I kept trying to bypass that and go straight to telling myself “I’m perfectly okay and appropriate, there’s nothing wrong with me”. Yet this wasn’t clearing up the problem, it wouldn’t actually make me feel any better. I guess, in the moment, I was trying to make too big of a vibrational jump. After reading this, I had a very constructive anger release, and I finally feel LOADS better. Thank you!
Yes yes yes!!!!!!! Anger will pull you out out of the absolutely awful, yucky feeling of powerlessness!!!!
It think we are always a lot more powerful than we think.
we are brought up thinking we are not…but it’s up to us to transend this conditioning.
it;s our life path.
Hi Melody,
I have a question…how do you become motivated again to work towards your dreams? Before I found the law of attraction, I worked really hard towards the things I wanted, was inspired, and hustled. I made things happen. However, since learning about inspired action and the importance of feeling good, I’ve become very lazy and stopped taking action towards the things I want. I don’t even feel inspired anymore to do much to reach my dreams or live them now. I feel like I’ve become very lazy knowing the law of attraction. I’m really stuck in my life and feel unmotivated to plan to make things better.
Hey S,
This is an excellent question. I’ve added it to my list of questions to answer in a video. Stay tuned! 🙂
Hugs!
Melody
Great! I look forward to that video, Melody. 🙂
OMG the same has happened to me. Yes please, here’s another request for that video.
Have I told you lately I love you, yeah you, whoever’s reading this. That message was meant for you.
Hi Melody,
Huge fan of steps 1 and 2. At least recently. I suppressed stuff for years which led to monster explosions. Or, monstrous explosions. Either way I ran into wicked situations because I was a bit unsafe during my past releases. Now I’m more at peace with letting the energy flow freely with no censoring because when you do not resist the anger, and let it out, you clear it. You go from angry, raging mood, to peace and calm and quiet. It’s being who you really are, that being which resists nothing and allows all types of experiences into your life. Thanks much Melody.
Ryan
Mass, means mess but camouflaged,by the ego.
Hey,
By the way, don`t concentrate on the finger or you will
miss all that heavenly glory !
This is for anyone who does not want to be bullied ever !
You hold every possibility at your finger tips. We all need to
exercises ever part of our body, if we wish not to we become
part of the classical mass !
OK, so I had to come back with a technique I have used so successfully for people who I just can not wait to get out of my life [including a now ex-husband]: eventually, in all the anger release [& sometimes even when I’m just sitting silently seething because I’m not where I can get angry safely], I visualize the person standing in front of me & then getting smaller & smaller & smaller, as though they’re shrinking. The hilarious part is that as they get smaller & smaller, they never stop talking, but their voices get tinier too until they’re just yap yap yapping like tiny chihuahuas.
When I get them about an inch high, I hold them in the palm of my hand — and I really look at them, at how tiny & ineffectual & harmless they are. I can see their little mouths going but can’t hear the words. Then I blow really hard on them and blow them off my hand like a dandelion head: PUFF, and they’re tumbling head over heels away from me, getting smaller & smaller until I can’t even see them anymore.
I do this repeatedly — after every interaction with them, every time I even think of them. Just make them small & yappy & they can’t hurt or even affect you & then blow them off your hand & out of your life. It usually makes me laugh, and we all know that laughter shifts energy like nothing else! The more I do this, the less they bother me in real life. I get to the point I barely even notice their bad behaviour, because I just remember how small & completely inconsequential they are. It’s very freeing.
I think I need lessons in how to use word, judging the way other puppies responses are set out. Oh WTF.
Your response was awesome, I’m glad it’s not like others. I like different, I get a bit from this person and a bit from that person. Thank God we are not all the same!
I’m seeing you live freely and securely. May you live fucking well. Here here to that fellow shiny puppy xoxo
Hi Sweetish & Sugar,
Your visualisation of me living the way I want is enough to spur me on!!! Keep up the walking, nothing can beat being out in nature, I love all the seasons and especially this time of year Autumn, and the fog and mist and bring on the snow!! Xoxo
Yes i’m feeling the same cordy. My husband can piss me off to an unprecedented degree, and i have to go into another room for an anger release, after saying some things first. You see i want my own house and financial independence, not be dependent on him financially, and i don’t want to live with him anymore, i know this will happen after ive got my degree maybe sooner, but i want it now.
After i feel angry, then i feel a bit guilty and worried that this may not come about, because i have three teenage children, but there old enough for me not to live there anymore, oh i don’t know, it’s that wji h gets me. Then i remember Melody’s visualisation technique, see things as all working out, it’s in her book. I’ve been applying this more consistently this week and there have been some changes, i think a small shift in my energy in the right direction, just have to keep trusting things will work out and not go to default guilt feeling behaviour, because rember our reality is not happening to us it’s all for us each individualy.
This good happening in the right direction is even though my images, visualisation flits from one thing to another, it’s only recently that i’m getting more into the essence/feeling of what i want, anyway not to go into default behaviour. Just keep reading Melody’s book, i have to keep referring back to it, at the moment i’m focusing on the visualization part, and keeping my husband out of my brandnew house that’s all mine and living the way i want that’s many miles away from where i live now, my decision where i want to fucking well live.
I have a question about this:
So I totally believe what Melody is saying here, I get it intellectually, and on many topics I have made a shift where I am now able to let my anger out and be done with it. But what I am finding is that when I am having anger upwellings about someone I know well and love, I tend to very much get stuck in the cycle of “anger>guilt over feeling anger>self-blame”. (I at least know enough now to see that I’m doing that and stop myself – I don’t stay in wallowing in self-blame, I just internally change the subject.) Anyway, I can see what I’m doing, but I can’t untangle my vibration about it enough (yet) to move through it. An example here that I’m presently wondering about: when I feel angry about an aspect of my relationship with my partner, I KNOW that I would feel better if I could allow myself (in private) to just have the anger, let it well up fully, and move through it. And yet there is something stuck in my craw about it!
Anybody have any ideas/experience with this? Thanks, puppies!
I haven’t finished reading the entire post yet, and I know it’s about anger, and funnily enough I was going to write a comment about how your suggestions regarding anger releases have helped me, but I was waiting for the next article to do so. I didn’t know it’d actually be on the topic I was going to mention, but yes… Without rambling on about details, I was constantly getting angry at something in particular (something people kept doing in my presence often), and one day, it happened again, of course. I’d gotten angry at someone and just as I was about to turn said anger on myself (as in thinking that people view me in a negative light and feeling insecure), I suddenly thought… “Remember what Melody said about not turning the anger back onto yourself?”, so I just stayed angry at that person, and wooow. Several curses in my room with the door closed later, I felt much better afterwards. I didn’t touch myself… With the angry thoughts, lol. I steered clear of myself. I felt like something had lifted. I felt like I didn’t want to get THAT angry again, and not in the sense that I told myself, “you are never allowed to get that angry like that again!”, I mean, I actually didn’t really feel like I wanted to bother with being that furious anymore.
I still get angry at this particularly thing, but the anger is not as strong. It had built up so much (even into stronger emotions like hatred) because I always turned it back on myself. I think that moment was really the FIRST time I didn’t do that regarding this subject, hence why I probably felt so much better after not doing so. I was letting out what I was holding in the whole time. Now, I remember to to express the anger to myself (not AT myself), like, letting it come up and out (like being a voice for my anger I suppose, speaking for it, expressing it to and for myself). As Melody said, you’re letting out what’s already there. I understand that starting to introduce thoughts about how you’re bad and that something’s wrong with you isn’t “letting out what’s already there”. It’s kind of like manifesting something. It goes well when you don’t interrupt the process and get in the way and complicate it too much (like when you try to analyze anger, talk yourself out of it, etc the very moment you’re triggered), and you can otherwise end up vibrationally constipated and hinder your desire from manifesting due to beliefs you have that don’t serve you (like the common beliefs about anger that prevent people from expressing it in a healthy way)… If that makes sense.
I also noticed that when I’d redirect the anger at myself, I felt the strongest grudges afterwards, but when you just let it come up and then let it out, it’s quite the different experience, at least for me. I’m mentioning this because a friend asked me, “Doesn’t keeping the anger focused on them make you resent them later?”, and I told her, “no, actually, I felt way more resentment when I did the opposite”.
Thanks Mels. Back to the article now.
I love this. This, more than any other emotional lesson, has been the most empowering for me.
I used to have destructive anger releases until I learned how to lock my anger up. I thought that solved the problem, but every now and then I would have an uncontrolled anger release and I would feel like I was being a horrible person.
Your book showed me how to line up with my feelings and work with them. Now, when I have an anger release, it’s very volatile, but I know why it’s happening (I need to release some stuck energy) and what to expect after it’s over (tiredness, maybe some sadness or crying, and eventually, peace.)
Understanding and working with negative emotions is truly the missing piece in understanding the law of attraction.
Melody, I have done that. Came home and released my anger into hitting the pillow/ writing the bully’s name on a piece of paper and hitting it hard with a shoe, visualizing punching them in the face, etc. It did release energy, but :
1. The feeling of empowerment did not last after the “beating” session. I couldn’t move further up than anger / revenge on the emotional scale , so next day hen the bully kept bullying, I would sink back to hatred/ powerlessness. I tried all ways but eventually had to leave a workplace because of the palpable energy this person was sending me and was summoning from me.
2. The bully reported headaches/ concentration problems/ chest pain during my visualizing of beating them. I was sending them a psychic attack. I read about it and somehow felt empowered, because this was a way of punishing them and feeling vindicated. However, the energy I was putting in this left me drained, and was worried to do this for long enough, as I had to be cautious about my own vibration.
So, how to move up from anger, after you mentally beaten up your foe, but next day you are back to the reality of being bullied ?
Being bullied is something I experienced for about 4 years and despite not seeing her anymore, it occasionally still feels a bit fearful.
Melody has taught us we cannot affect someone else’s reality so that would mean the psychic attack was just your interpretation of the facts and by you focusing on the headaches/ concentration problems/ chest pain of your nemesis, it’s actually taking you somewhere negative yourself, you’re focusing on that person and not on yourself. I could be wrong and misinterpreted your paragraph but one thing I’m certain of is this person is showing you your limiting beliefs and resistance. I had so many and they were all thrown at me in the one situation. It wasn’t much fun and I feared life and my future but it forced me to take a quantum leap in life. I personally had to distance myself from her. She took her children to the same school I took my children and lived directly next door and she would have her children bully me too (can’t do much to children who bully an adult) but I followed Melody’s main point which I’ve personally summarised to release anger and find happiness – it works. I kept my vibration as high as I could be by moving energy (long distance walking) focusing on everything in my life that I loved. I tried to ignore her as much as possible and even went so far to avoid her. The best way you can have a bully either leave your reality is to sharpen that fun, happy side to you. Initially it was all crap and I lied and pretended to be having a good time but by releasing my anger (I found child tantrum meditation was heaps of fun and I cussed a lot for a few minutes everyday) and then I focussed on doing whatever made me happy despite knowing that there was someone nearby almost all the time who hated me for some unknown reason. If that all fails, then the further you can move away from this person in real life the easier it can be to not let them affect you.
I wish you well because I know this can feel powerless but it can all turn around. Have faith, be hopeful, this is just temporary. Acknowledge the message and feel safe & secure.
Hey Melody,
Great day for this post as I spent most of the morning writing out some hate and balling my eyes out while trying to read sections of your book…great, now it’s tear stained too :-/
Anyway, my question is, what to do when the anger keeps coming back to “its my own dumb fault”? The signs were all there for all the shortcomings of my spouse when I married him and yet, I chose him anyway, so in my head, it’s my own issue. I know Rule #3 is don’t turn it on yourself but what if it seems like MY fault? I’m in the cycle! One side of the pit is pissed at him, the other is pissed at me for choosing him.
Then, when I finally roll around to the part of me that knows I am powerful and can create my own reality, even that is distasteful since the whole reality I want to create is to be supported and valued (by another human being would be nice) and not have to do all this shit alone. Back and forth, back and forth! There seems no good option. How do I jump out and grab the desire coins??
Emily, I’m not Melody, obviously, but I’m going to quickly toss in my dime’s worth here. The woman who chose to marry your ex is not the woman you are now. She did the best she could with the tools she had back then. She fell in love and chose a man who later proved to be the wrong one — but in that moment of chosing, she was just doing her very best. And she’s not the “you” you are now!
And now the Big Question: if that woman (the woman you were back when you made those choices) was a good friend of yours — would you berate her for being stupid, for making a poor choice, for not knowing better?
I’ll bet you wouldn’t. I’ll bet you’d comfort her, and tell her it wasn’t her fault, that she shouldn’t blame herself. That she should be kind & forgiving to herself. You might even suggest she have a long hot bath & a bit of chocolate . . .
You need to treat that Past You as you would that friend: a loving, well-intentioned woman who made a choice that **at the time** didn’t appear to be the wrong one. You’re judging her — that past You — based on knowledge you have *now* but which you didn’t have *then*. How on earth could you have done anything better? You didn’t see the “signs” because you didn’t know how. You might think they were as clear as day when you look back at it now — but back then, they couldn’t have been because you didn’t see them. Or maybe you saw them but didn’t understand what they meant, or maybe you just weren’t strong enough to act on them. Because that was back before you acquired all the knowledge & understanding & tools you have now.
It’s not easy, btw. I look back at things I did in my past and wonder how on earth I could have been so blind, but I have to remind myself that I was just doing the best I could at the time with what I had. We can’t expect any better from anyone, least of all ourselves. And don’t underestimate the restorative benefits of chocolate . . .
Awesome Emily, I telepathically connected with Melody and she suggested this link for you (OK she really didn’t and I have no powers except my ability to consume this awesome Bavarian cake and Tim Tams infront of me)
http://www.deliberateblog.com/2013/09/09/do-you-wish-youd-have-known-then-what-you-know-now/
I think Sam must work at my former workplace, that scenario sounds familiar! The technique you describe sounds like a great short term solution, but at the risk of stating the obvious, the long term solution is to find a new job with a more positive work environment. Sometimes I think a negative situation like that is a nudge from the universe to move you along to something better.
Hey Melody,
Now you hit the spot. Love this post and I think this will help !
LOA works great here.
Controlled Angry is very hard to learn,but once you can achieve the technique,
you have a lot of power at your disposal !
By the way,your name means something I myself can not put a finger on! It is
like a finger pointing to the moon.
Hey Melody
I loved your response to this question and I too am a big fan of encouraging the release of anger. It’s a very maligned emotion and that has been to our detriment in many, many ways. You are so right in stressing not to judge anything you are thinking or saying and just letting it out. Without that total release, no matter how ‘ugly’ it seems or how mean, wrong, bad or whatever else we think about what we are feeling and thinking, it is hard to facilitate that healing and really move forward. When I have talked to clients, I have always stressed they are in a ‘no-judgment’ zone and to feel free to say anything that they are feeling.