What can you do if you’re being bullied? Should you stand up for yourself, or will that just make it worse? Watch today’s video to find out how to shift your energy into a much more powerful place.
Awesome Sam’s Burning Question:
“Hi Melody, I have identified that the current message the universe is trying to get through to me is that I do not believe I am powerful. I’ve been confronted with the extent of my people pleasing, how much I give my power away, and the fear I feel/anticipate when having my own voice.
Because I am at the very beginning of turning the tide of this well practiced illusion, can you suggest some *practical* baby steps or exercises I can do that results in the universe reflecting back to me demonstrations/evidence that I am powerful (i.e. so it’s a felt experience)?
I am being bullied, maligned and undermined at work and realize the universe wants me to step up, confront my fears and be healed. I have tried to stay in my center but the fear energy isn’t shifting, so I wondered about practicing and experiencing feeling my own power in a different arena so I can translate that growing confidence to the work arena.”
Well thank you so much Awesome Sam, because I think that this is something that a lot of people have to deal with, particularly in the area of being bullied. So, I am very happy to have the chance to answer this question once again. I have addressed it a couple of times on the blog, but I don’t believe I’ve made a video about it; so here we go…
The best technique that I can give you for getting back your power, and I’ve talked a lot about this, is anger – to allow yourself to get angry. That does not mean that you have to try to get angry. But I’m guessing that, right now, you’re suppressing an extraordinary amount of anger. Every time somebody does something to you, bullies you, or slights you, you want to get angry, but there’s a constructive way to release anger and there’s a destructive way to release anger.
What’s the difference?
A destructive way to release anger would be to punch your boss in the face, but that’s not going to go well for you in the long run. A constructive way to release anger is to do the anger release at home, and here are my three rules for a constructive, healing anger release.
1) The first rule is: If you can, do it by yourself. Most people do not know how to handle anger; they’re very afraid of it. They think if you get angry, they have to shut you down in some way, and they are going to be very good at doing that, especially if you are not fully in your power. If you are by yourself, it’s less likely to happen. I say “less likely”, because you can still shut yourself down by feeling guilty about what comes out of your mouth, or by being afraid of the anger yourself.
You’ll want to create an environment in which you feel safe to let the anger out, and you want to give yourself full permission to let it out. If you are by yourself in a safe environment, you can find some couch cushions that you can punch, something that you can hit or kick without hurting yourself (or it). You may want to journal it out and say really ugly things that you’ll never send to anyone; you’ll never let anyone see. Do it safely and do it by yourself or with a trained professional, and keep in mind that not all therapists can handle anger either. Make sure the person you are doing it with is trained to handle anger and that they do not try to shut your anger down in any way. It’s usually easier to just do it by yourself.
2) The second rule that I have is: Do not censor anything that comes out of your mouth. Here’s a wonderful metaphor that will gross you out forever: Think of it like taking an emotional poo! It’s not going to be pretty what comes out of there; you’ve been constipated for a long time… It’s not going to be pretty, but its better out than in, I say! I told you it was going to be gross and it will stick with you. You’re welcome for the visual!
Go with the anger release; do NOT judge anything that comes out. You can say that you hate people; you can say that you want to hurt them that you want to kill them even! It will not make you a sociopath; do not worry about that. You are not creating anything negative in the world by doing this. You are letting what is already there – out. You are not focusing in a way that’s going to create negative things, and you are not sending negative vibes to people. You already have this within you, now you’re just letting it out and releasing it so that it can shift to a more empowered, positive place.
3) The third rule of an anger release that I have for you is: You can be angry at anyone and anything; anything is fair game, your mom, your kids, even me; I don’t care – but not yourself, not ever yourself. That gets you locked into the “Cycle of Doom”, where you vacillate between blaming yourself, getting a bit angry to release some of the pressure, blaming yourself, getting rid of some your anger and releasing some of the pressure, and so on, and you’re caught in the Cycle of Doom, keeping yourself stuck. I’m guessing that you are doing a version of that right now, where you have some anger coming up, but you won’t allow it, and you then push it back into powerlessness. That will keep you stuck.
How do you get out of the cycle?
The way out of that is to get angry, but get angry constructively. That means when you are being bullied, the first thing is: Do not stand up to the bully, because you are not coming from an empowered place. All you are going to do is manifest more bullying behavior towards you – more evidence that you are not strong. What you do is, you go home and you get angry and you imagine beating up the bully, you give yourself super powers and you fling him across the State if you need to. Do whatever you’ve got to do so that you actually feel more empowered. You keep that going until you feel a sense of relief. Do not shut it down too early and do not try to evaluate it in that moment. When you are having the anger release, in that moment, your mind does not need to be involved at all. For example, thinking “Does this come from my anger at my father? Does this come from something else that I did when I was three?” In that moment, don’t worry about that; you can evaluate later if you need to.
What it’s really about is feeling that emotion and letting that emotion empower you, because this is what anger does. When you are sitting in the corner and you are cowering in the fetal position and somebody is beating you up, when they are bullying you and beating you, that’s powerlessness; and that equates to sadness and depression. You are sitting there and letting it happen, and you don’t think there’s anything you can do about it. What anger does, is it makes you stand up and shout, “Screw this! I’m not taking this anymore! I’m going to do something about it so you’d better back off or I’m going to start hitting back so that I can get out of this corner and get away from you!” Getting angry makes you sit up and not take it anymore and it can feel really ugly, really volatile, and to many people in our society it can feel really scary, because they think it can land them in prison.
This is why you want to have a constructive anger release rather than a destructive anger release. A destructive, uncontrolled anger release happens when you continually suppress anger, and at some point that pressure cooker is going to explode. With a constructive anger release you are consciously taking the cooker off the heat and letting the pressure out, so that the explosion never happens. You may have to have more than one anger release if you’ve been powerless for a long time, but I promise you, you will feel better after.
Once you’ve done that, if the manifestation persists, you can then get into setting boundaries. But, that’s really not going to work for you if you’re still in total powerlessness, and that’s why it hasn’t really worked for you. You’re still in fear and you’re the scared little guy who wants to go up to the big bully and say (in a tiny voice), “Umm……..I’m not taking this anymore?” That’s not going to work. You need to empower yourself first. That doesn’t mean you have to bully people, but in that anger release it may feel like you want to. This is where the constructive release comes in, because in your mind or your visualization, you can do anything that you want. If you want to pound people into the ground, or fling them across the city, or dump them out the window, that’s all fine; do not be afraid of that. You will not become a sociopath, that’s not how that happens. Give your anger free rein in a constructive and safe way. Do not be afraid of the emotion.
You’ll notice that you might have to be angry for an hour or two, but you will get to a place where you feel the relief of it. You might feel a bit tense, you might feel tired, you might have to sleep (again the analogy of taking that big poo comes in), and then the energy will settle and you will start to feel a lot better. This is how you get out of powerlessness into empowerment. By the way, I explain this entire process in nitty gritty detail in my book, so go ahead and buy it and read it cover to cover, and you’ll be all enlightened and shit! You’re welcome!
I hope I’ve answered your question. Do give it a try and let me know what you think. If you’ve had experiences with powerlessness and then becoming more empowered, please share them with us in the comments below.
Huge happy shiny puppy hugs to all of you, and see you next time.