Hey there. It’s Melody here. You might remember me. I’m the blunt, no-Bullshit, snarky LOA teacher who gives out smooshy, happy shiny puppy hugs. Or at least, I used to be.
I haven’t posted in a while. Actually, I haven’t posted in a long time – longer than you might think. Let me explain.
A few weeks ago, I shot a bunch of videos. The idea was to bank a bunch of them so that I could schedule the blog posts well ahead of time. I’d done this before, so this was not abnormal. I edited the videos and sent them off to be transcribed. I scheduled a couple of them. And then… They just sat there, like puppies tied up in front of a grocery store, waiting for their owner. Only, I was no longer their owner. I couldn’t post them. I wanted to. I mean, they were right there, goddammit. But I couldn’t. It was like I was standing in front of this huge wall, with no openings or doors or even cracks in the plaster.
So, I sat with it. I felt my way through it. I began to realize that something was off, and it had been for some time. I knew the videos I’d been doing had been helpful to many of you, but they had begun to feel sort of flat to me. Like there was something I was missing, some level I wasn’t reaching. I thought that maybe if I chose different topics, perhaps more current events, something a bit more specific, or something more down the rabbit hole, it would help. But as much as I wracked my brain, nothing felt right. Nothing felt satisfying.
I felt the pressure of wanting to publish something. I wanted to give you something of value, to connect with you. I began to worry that if this went on for too long, you might think I’d abandoned you, or just forget about me. Welcome to my neurotic brain. It doesn’t come out that often anymore, but when it comes to letting others down, it can still totally take over the show. Of course, the more I worried, the less clarity I had, and the more frustrated I became. So finally, I just had to make peace with the fact that I was taking an unscheduled break, and things were going to be ok. I reminded myself of how awesome you puppies are, and to give you a lot more credit. I realized that I was being a dork.
And so, I sat with it all some more.
And slowly, some pieces started coming together. Last night, at about 3 a.m. I finally figured something out. A few things, actually. I miss writing. Videos are great and they have their place, but I have a voice when I’m writing, an authenticity that I’ve never really been able to replicate on video (with a few exceptions). And the more produced my videos become, the harder I try to make them “better”, the less that voice seems to come through.
The more authentic I am, the more of a connection I enjoy – to my higher self, to the subject matter, and to you. And I miss that connection. I don’t really feel like I’ve been showing up 100%, not the REAL ME, for quite some time. I know the Q&A videos have been valuable, but it’s not about that. It’s not about being good enough, or doing something good and being satisfied with that (because I’m just not, and I have to own that). It’s about playing full out at the highest level I have access to. It’s about expressing who I really am to the best of my ability and not holding back. It’s about peak experiences for ME, and then letting the energy of that do what it’s going to do as you receive it (what you do with it isn’t up to me).
I became too focused on providing value, on orchestrating it, and it ended up watering everything down. For that, I apologize. To you, and to myself. Because this hasn’t been as much fun as it could’ve been.
The exception to this was the video I shot in South Africa. It was a spur of the moment thing where I shared my joy and excitement. I wasn’t worried about providing value, I was just sharing my own realizations and joy. And of course, your reactions were totally different than they had been to the previous and subsequent videos. You felt the difference. You enjoyed it more. And you benefited more. Because I enjoyed it more; I benefited more. There I was – me, the real me, just sharing my energy with you. I’d forgotten how amazing that feels.
I also did something else that really blew all of this wide open. Around the time that I stopped posting, I contacted a small percentage of you and offered you the opportunity to participate in the Beta version of a new program I’m putting together. In fact, this Beta group actually helped me develop the program. For 6 weeks, we met twice a week, and I shared cutting edge reality creation techniques. And… It. Was. Phenomenal. It was better than anything I could’ve imagined. We called it “Reality Academy” (I freaking love that name!).
When I wrote the book Deliberate Receiving, it brought forth a structure that had been present in everything I’d been teaching up to that point. I hadn’t been completely, consciously aware of this structure until the moment it was put on the page, but of course, it made perfect sense. Reality Academy did the same thing for everything I’ve been teaching since.
This wonderful group of 48 souls, whom I will forever be grateful to (and who were the most awesome people ever. EVAH!), drew this structure forth with their presence and their questions. We connected; we danced together; we co-created new insights. In the last two weeks of the course, I found myself teaching concepts with a clarity I hadn’t ever accessed before. They all expanded, but so did I.
By the way, if you’re feeling cheesed about the fact that you weren’t part of this program, don’t worry, we’ll be rolling out the Alpha version of Reality Academy in the first half of 2017. In fact, I’ll begin working on it as soon as I’m back from Peru. I’m incredibly excited about it and I TOTALLY CAN’T WAIT!!!! But… I digress. Back to my point:
Each week, I participated in two calls, usually 2 hours in length each, where I felt like I was really me. I was teaching, sure, but it wasn’t about that. I was having fun. I was in the flow. I was accessing clarity. I was focusing on my experience and the benefit to others was greater as a result. And it just became so apparent that the blog posts or rather, videos, of late hadn’t felt at all like that. I just couldn’t stand in a little room with lights and a camera and a background and rattle off answers to questions.
And don’t get me wrong. It wasn’t that the questions were bad or wrong. It wasn’t that I wasn’t going deep enough down the rabbit hole. It wasn’t that the topics weren’t right. It was me. It is me. I don’t enjoy standing in that little room by myself. I don’t enjoy teaching at this level; a level that feels like it’s too surface, too shallow, too inauthentic. And even though I can feel the energy of those who ask the questions, and those who will receive the answers, it’s not enough. I don’t get the same hit. And so subsequently, neither do you.
I don’t have an answer on this yet – not anything I can put into action. I have a few ideas – such as getting together with a little group of you and just letting the energy flow and recording that and posting it on the blog. I can see that being super fun, especially if it’s with a group of people who are willing to just play and see where it goes. I’ll probably incorporate writing again in some way. I really don’t know at this point, and suggestions are welcome. But what I do know is that I’m stepping it up. I’m acknowledging that my focus hasn’t been totally where it should’ve been (on my own experience rather than on offering value), and that this has caused us to not have the connection we are capable of, the connection that’s possible between us (queue sad puppy music). And again, I apologize for that. I miss that connection. And I hope you’re still willing to play with me (queue irresistibly adorable puppy eyes).
I want to keep publishing. I want to keep connecting, but I want to do so with complete authenticity. It’s time to let the blog evolve into something new. I don’t yet know what that will look like, but I do know it will be awesome. I just need you to bear with me a little bit. Be patient with me.
I’m actually writing this from the airport, on my way to Peru. I go every January and take a month off to gain clarity and work with my own teachers. I partake in shamanic plant medicine ceremonies, and it’s me getting slapped with enlightenment for a change, lol. So, while I’m gone, my team are going to be choosing some of my over 500 blog posts and reposting them. This way, we can keep in touch while I’m off learning how to be ME more authentically than ever. Once I’m back, we’ll figure out how to proceed. Like I said, I don’t know exactly what will happen, but I know it will be awesome. It will be a step beyond where we are, beyond where we’ve been.
So, hopefully, you can forgive me for having been absent (even before I was absent). Many of you probably saw or sensed it. Of course you did. Thank you for hanging in there. Thank you for playing with me and giving me the change to grow like this, and for the forum to express it (when my stubborn brain finally realizes what’s been going on).
I love you with all my heart.
Smooshy, happy shiny puppy hugs,
P.S.: We never stopped publishing the recorded coaching calls, though. So if you’d like to see what you missed, you can view the archives.
I’ve been away on holidays but it’s so nice to read on my return that the Queen is back and our family is united…..yay. puppy eyes are tearing up!