You know, I come across a lot of self-sabotage in my coaching practice. Beliefs that inspire people to act against their own best interests. But recently, I noticed that a lot of people practice a very specific type of emotional self-mutilation. It’s incredibly pervasive in our society – so pervasive that you probably see it every day without even noticing it. You may even be engaging in this behavior. *gasp!*
Well, fear not. Because all it takes to stop this cycle of abuse (and as far as I’m concerned, it is a type of abuse), is a bit of awareness. A small but significant shift in perspective.
And that’s exactly what I talk about in today’s video. Day 5, incidentally of the 30 day challenge. Can I get a high five?
Now you!!! Do you do this? Did you used to, but no longer do? Share and tell all in the comments. And then consider yourself hugged. Smooshily hugged. Because smooshy hugs are the best!
I’m just here to take up space, just because I still apologize too god damn much!
This was for me, wasn’t it? LoL! I do this so often. I am always saying sorry and putting myself on the back burner. I want to be done saying sorry! I still have a lot of work to do. Can you offer any pointers on this? Thanks again for these videos. They are golden!
My oldest sister, who was my also my mother figure, was the one who always told me I ate too loud (called me microphone mouth), I breathed too loud (even if I was on the other side of the room), the clicking of my knees were too loud when I moved and I smelled even if I just had a shower. Eventually my older sister, who isn’t so angry now in her late 40’s, made me feel like life’s biggest inconvenience.
I have found myself not just moving my shopping trolley out of the way but allowing someone else to take up the space I was standing in looking for an item on the shelf in the supermarket. Being short, I would struggle to look past the person who I allowed infront of me.
If I was on a lounge, I used to take as least room as possible. I wonder if it was because I felt as though I was an inconvenience or because it started when I was called fatty as a young girl or maybe they shifted away because they felt the same way I did, like an inconvenience and taking up too much room. Now when I’m on a lounge with someone, we are usually hugging (even with just platonic friends).
I noticed feeling as though I’m an inconvenience in real life (not online) when sharing stories, I’m keen on listening to everyone’s life stories but I feel mine aren’t worth listening to. I’m not sure if it’s because I find my own stories boring or whether I feel their time is worth more than listening to my story and they are just there to be polite. Online, we can easily read the next comment without having to be polite like in real life so I dont feel too much of a burden writing here.
I just followed your advice and took up some space. hehehehehe 🙂
Well done Sim!!!
Yay, I finally have time to properly focus on these!! I feel like a kid who has been saving the chocolate in the Christmas calendar for a week so she can open more at the same time 😀
I used to apologize for everything. The cause for this was my mother considering me an inconvenience when I was a kid, so I grew up thinking that I’m a burden. I’ve made a lot of progress – now if someone tries to step over me or limit me in some way, I get the “no you won’t” reaction. There is still work to be done though, because the reaction is not always entirely in proportion with the action that caused it… I used to avoid people because I knew I couldn’t defend myself and I would end up getting taken advantage of, now I avoid them because I’m scared I will bite their head off, lol. I’ve also noticed that I have a very low tolerance towards people who apologize for everything, because they remind me of my former self. I still haven’t made peace with her because it’s so difficult to admit that I was a complete doormat once. I’ve been learning to forgive myself so I could feel more whole.
Thank you! This is so TRUE! We all have done this one time or another. I try to get rid of it, but it is so automatic. Well, I will get there. At least I’m aware of it, so do notice it from time to time.
My ex husband used to move me out of the way of other people at the supermarket all the time!! I would get so mad, now I know exactly why. Thanks for the lovely explanation!! I’m loving this challenge and I’m taking up space posting each time!! 😉
Omg , thank you so much for opening my eyes to this , I am such a apologizer for walking into walls and stuff , not that I do that daily I must stress , but you wouldn’t believe how much you have helped me take another step in my journey .
Thank you …Thank you
I just had a little cure in Tokyo where people in the hotel, restaurants, onsen and so on say “thank you” every moment. Thank you for coming, thank you for asking, thank you for waiting (after 10 seconds), thank you for existing in a nutshell. It is sooo nourishing and, hope, contentious. I like to treat people and being treated like this 🙂
Hello Happy Shiney Puppy Master!
I’m crying after watching your video. Mostly because I didn’t feel worthy to leave comments and finding you has changed so much for me! And when you said at the end to do it, I didn’t really have a choice! I have to share with you that I attracted a tapping coach to myself over a year ago, than you, and about a month ago, Abraham! My life is changing so much on the inside and there is so much to look forward to! As far as this blog goes, I have been a habitual apologizer and the flip side was defensiveness! I still have a lot of contrast to find my self worth but it’s on its way! Thank you so much for your light and love! ?Mara
Thano you for this reminder! <3
Whew! This really resonates with me. I probably apologize dozens of times a day for anything and everything.
Saying sorry has become a reflex, that when I bump into a chair in a café, for instance, I automatically say, “Oh, sorry!”
It’s ridiculous, haha! And yet, there really is a deeper thing going on there…
The polite childhood habit of saying thank-you often has, without me noticing it, morphed into saying sorry often. Consideration for others’ space and time has, gradually, through the years, devolved into a sad belief that I was in everybody’s way.
What you said is something I’ll carry in a pocket of my heart forever, I think:
Neither my presence nor anyone else’s is an inconvenience.
What a powerful, authentic statement!
Thank you for the loving reminder.
I already feel a profound shift in me as I go about my day.
Confession: I am so hypocritical in these situations. I find myself apologising in these situations for my existence but I am also on the other side: the arrogant women that goes “WHY is your shopping cart in the middle of the aisle, lady, other people (aka me) need to get their items too you know”. I think I am in the shame spectrum, going between the high and the low end of it. I know the anger/annoyance I feel is trying to make me release it, so I will just let it go for now and sometimes be angry at those damn-aisle-blocking-lafies
I currently live in the UK and here people say sorry for everything, but interestingly I don’t think it is generally a genuine apology. At least, that’s my perception.
Loving the videos!
I’m a member of the “Sorry for taking up space” club but actively seeking ways to relinquish my membership!
I’m sorry but I’m British, a nation of apologisers. I have considered this in the past, why is it when I’m in the supermarket and somebody bumps into me I say sorry. Here’s my theory. These things happen so if someone isn’t looking where they are going and bump me with their trolley I may say sorry but this is just of shortcut. It is a short way of saying, that’s OK, I’m not going to yell at you and tell you to look where you are going, or even expect you to apologise, I’m just going to smile, say a quick sorry as an acknowledgement and move on, so much easier. Just like the couple getting back in the car, a quick “sorry” is just easier than “I know you are waiting, I’ve seen you, we are moving off now, you can have our space”. Sometimes it is just a polite acknowledgement.
Then there’s the crowded public transport sorry “I know I am standing between you and the exit and you have to push past to get off, that’s ok”. Substitute sorries, there’s lots of them.
That’s a really great point Jackie! This type of “sorry” doesn’t really have the energy of apology. I totally agree, we do often say it just as an acknowledgement. The man in the supermarket wasn’t doing that, though. He was uncomfortable because he was taking up the space I was waiting for.
This is why we have to explore it ourselves. Are we apologizing? And if so, why? If you’re not, then no worries at all! 🙂
Oh Melody, This is huge in terms of waking up to this. I stopped say sorry, but there was an energy within where I felt like I was an inconvenience! Perhaps it came from the collective consciousness that children should be seen not heard. I heard someone talking to a child, their younger brother saying “see, that’s why I don’t have kids,” not realizing that what she was saying was basically the he was an inconvenience. That then all follows with “I don’t deserve…” So thank you very much. Much Love, Carla
I remember seeing either an article or video or something about this a couple of months ago and I’ve been trying to put it into practice because I have a tendency to apologize a lot – even for things I don’t need to apologize for.
It gave an example: say you were supposed to meet someone and you were a few minutes late. Our natural reaction is to apologize, but instead of apologizing say something like “Thank you so much for waiting on me.”
It puts out the vibration of gratitude while still acknowledging respect for everyone’s time. That really resonated with me and I’m working on making that habit.
It does feel a lot better to flip it like that. 🙂
I like that Summer! Thanks for sharing!
Thank you Summer! I read that too but had forgotten. It’s a lovely way to respond, I’ll remember because I tend to be late!!
Very good! Thank you, Melody. I became aware of this a couple of weeks ago. And I was horrified when I noticed how often I apologized every day. I have done that all my life. That goes way back to my childhood. I’m in the process to stop that habit but even though I apologize less I still have the same attitude. Changing this feeling of being too much is much harder than just stopping to say “I am sorry.”
I am still on my way figuring out how to change the deep believe that I am too much. But, I hope I am on my way.
Thank you, Melody, for all your blog posts and videos. I’m following you now for four years and I have read every single block post that you have ever published on your website and I loved everyone of them.
And being a German living in America, I really felt connected to you because you were an American living in Spain.
Thank you for being so open and so committed to your message. It is always a pleasure to see you!
Sybille, big things can happen subconsciously and slowly weave their way into our lives. I come from a very volatile home, i dont dwell, but am aware of scars. One parent was severely mentally ill, go to hospital back home off meds and on he was cruel, cruel. If i showed my pets too much love, they would disappear- shot. Yes. BUT i was sorry sorry for breathing, sorry for just being there. Then one day as a young adult, i was having a argument with my mum. Now, ive heard this saying but it sunk in and like a balm has helped. “I didnt ask to be born” i should not be sorry for anything. They were the adults. They made their choices and i have mine. This happened in a almost silent way, i mean, those words and attitude. Saved my own sanity. This type of revelation has happened to me good and bad many times. The thought goes in and there it is.
I was wondering this exact same topic content. I get caught up on the “being considerate” hump. What degree should we be considerate to others, at times i feel like im a door mat, but the flip side is being a selfish sack. So i ask- where is middle ground. And put in the basket- being humble – being giving – being nice – or being self centered. I am a chronic put others first person, its not that i pat myself on the back, its just so natural to put me last.
I’m the same way koalamaiden! It feels so natural to be considerate of others but I guess now that we’re aware we can try to be more attentive to our needs as well, the thought is foreign but it excites me too so I can’t wait to try it next time I’m being considerate I’m going to check in with myself to see if I’m also being considerate to me.
Thank you, Marjorie, checking in with myself would come second to me. First would be my highly tuned conscience and avoiding the clap of a lightning bolt from above. 90% of my blocks is “must do’s”. Must be meek- must be humble must be giving must seek ….. anyone else relate? Thats my personal high jump. Deep ingrained conscience. Yes, as i am a willing considerate person, but i go too far in letting myself down. OMG what i could tell- taking blame at work, getting warnings, giving someone money cause they might have spent theirs- no worries. I can and do say no, but guilt and that clap of lightning gets me moving. God giveth and he taketh is about the only verse from my church days i remember. And its deeply engrained. Block number one to one hundred at once.
I didn’t think this applied to me, but as you kept giving more examples, yes, yes it does apply. 🙂 I don’t feel I’m in the habit of apologizing for my existence but I do tend to have other people’s experiences (even if they’re strangers) always on my mind, and that inhibits me from doing what I really want on quite a few times. If it’s close relationships then it’s even stronger! Pleasing or making sure other people are happy seems to have been deeply trained into me (and I’m sure into almost everyone) as a child, as I had to make sure I did the right thing and was polite and sociable, otherwise there were consequences I didn’t want. It’s time to reclaim the right to be, do and have what I want, and I’m learning how to ask for what I want too. Thank you for bringing light into how that shows up in other areas of my life too. 🙂
hi Melody – you are not an inconvenience- a little part of me needed to be reminded of that today- thank you- i used to say sorry all the time too I am so much more aware now and value me in equal terms as others and exactly as you say so much more patient in cues etc- i hear a lot of people automatically apologising for nothing its is rife in our upbringing! and I often now hear myself say in those scenarios- “hey no need to apologise” but i like the idea of saying now- thank you for your presence and just smiling!! so that it will remind that small part of me that I am not an inconvenience ever! love to you xxx
Guilty as charged 🙂
It is so nice to see your mail arrive everyday Melody…i had really been missing you and the bullshit fairy advice. My new normal has become more accepting of others and being easy on myself. I get to see more and more aligned people and it is a pleasure to have them around..so no apologies only gratitude is slowly becoming my new mantra. I love you and thanks for being there with us for the next few days..it’s a lovely feeling.
Oh and one more thing…would you say thanks to Fassbender for being there or go the inconvenience/sorry route. So, thanks Fassy for occupying the space in all your glory and thanks to me that i get to enjoy you and your sexy German-Welsh presence in theaters 🙂
Thank you. Extremely relevant for me too. My being an inconvenience began at my birth and has pretty much stayed with me. Even though I have changed a lot and cleared so much. It’s a core issue. I appreciate the message to finally let this go.
Omg just the other day when I was in the throes of depression and felt useless I started apologizing to planet earth for taking up ‘oxygen’ which could be used by someone else instead.
This is exactly what I needed to hear!
Yes, it struck a chord. It’s a big issue now, so I’m experiencing the pain of not having let go when, per LOA we don’t heed the first gentle tugs and let gp. I”ve lived this way a long time and worked on this many times & thought I had raised my vibration and was done with it but find I’m doing it again. It seems silly to me that such an obviously inappropriate perspective is hard to stop. I thought I was doing it to help other people feel respected, not to put me down. But it causes annoyance for almost everyone & even alienation from those who you most would like to be close to. It’s a part of some other issues I desperately want to get past and am trying to work on letting go. Very timely video for me.
I really enjoyed this Melody. I loved how you said “take up space in the comment section” because I used to believe I was an inconvenience and the belief actually ‘spilled’ into so many areas… even comment sections and online communities! It always felt like, I wasn’t as ‘official’ as others, ya know? And that what I had to say wasn’t even important… any ‘signs’ of my existence were just taking up space so that includes opinions I’d post online. It’s very weird perceiving yourself like that and quite sad actually. I don’t do it anymore as it was definitely a symptom of my (then) incredibly low self esteem, and I’ve noticed a gradual change in my vocab as well, no unnecessary “sorrys”.
I’ll gladly hit submit and have my comment take up space though! =P
Yay, Deb! This really resonated with me so thank you for sharing!! I too have grown quite a bit from having very low self esteem and Melody has definitely been a huge factor in my growth!! Woohoo, your post made me so happy, Deb 🙂
High five Melody!!! Your videos are awesome!! I fell asleep and then woke up because this neighbor next door started playing really loud music. After watching your video, my feelings toward him have softened quite a bit. I hate his stupid music because it’s so loud, annoying and gives me a headache but I guess it’s his space and he gets to play it as loud as he likes! I don’t know how I feel about that right now as I’m saying it but I guess I’ll have to make peace with it. It’s just that my heart scrambles at all kinds of sounds like my phone for example when it rings when I’m not expecting it to, makes me worry about the caller – why why why are you calling me? what must’ve happened to you? etc I’m very patient with everything else, I even like long lines and getting stuck in traffic sometimes because it helps me slow down and it’s actually my downtime because then I get to listen to an audio or read something. I do say sorry quite a bit but I guess I can’t help it, I’m sorry for saying sorry so much. Haha. Thanks for such a great insight! Perhaps that’s why this guy’s music is so damn annoying because paradoxically, I say sorry so much. Maybe when I start to respect myself more, his music will ‘seem’ less annoying. Yay!! I am really looking forward to your next video!! Thank you SO MUCH for EVERYTHING and for making yourself available to people ALL OVER THE WORLD!!! You’re unbelievably ahhhh-mazzziingggg!!! XOXO
Thanks for the reminder . Sometimes I have to force myself to give myself
permission to be where I am . I do not apologize in the context that you were describing .
Thanks for reminding me that my presence anywhere is not a convenience anywhere
I happen to be . I know that when you know this you will be in a better frame of mind
and your chances of deliberate creation will increase 100 % . Thanks Melody
Thank you! This hit a chord with me! Although I did give up saying “I’m sorry” several times a day many years ago I realized as I was watching the video that I spend Soooooo much energy trying to ” stay out of the way” or not “take up too much time” and being SUPER vigilant trying not to “bother” anybody. There is nothing wrong with being polite and aware of other’s needs as well as our own, but your comment about having a right to be here and that we sre not an innconvenience to the Univers really hit me.
The flip side of these feelings can be we feel pissed off when others aren’t as ” careful and ” considerate” as we think we are cuz WE try so hard to stay out of the way. I really became aware of all this because of today’s video! So THANK YOU Miss Very Shiny Melody Puppy!