Two weeks ago, I set the intention to let you in more. Well, today, I’m taking that literally. I’m bringing you into bed with me. It’s about to get intimate, y’all. Don’t worry, I kept it clean… mostly.
But, I’ve also got a very important message to discuss with you. Are you supposed to feel good ALL the time? Is that really the goal? And if can’t manage that, is it only because you’re not yet good enough at this emotional game? Let me set you straight. While snuggling in the sheets. And being just about as imperfect as you’ve ever seen me. Enjoy!
How? See my body and personality as works of art, in constant changing to become as awesome and as adequate to the environment they can be.
However, as you, I don’t want my body to be an art instalation 😀 I also like brushing my teeth, and epilating, and so on… 😀 😀
Emotions are there to be let out and used as a resource rather than as an energy consumer.
We are the ones who determine the type of emotions we would experience. It’s our responsibility to feel good.
I’m a fellow manifesting coach and loved your video in bed so I made one in response to your challenge to do so 🙂 Please check it out if you get a chance.
That was awesome!!! Thank you so much for sharing it. I loved it! And the content is spot on, too. 🙂
Smooshy, smooshy hugs,
I know this video is mostly about emotional perfectionism, but I feel inspired to post something I just wrote in my journal (which is SO far out of character for me that I can’t even tell you), so maybe this will help someone else. It’s about the more concrete perfectionism that tends to go with being a detail-oriented person, the kind who zeroes in on the flaws in things and has a hard time with letting them slide. I’ve struggled with this mightily in the past few days (hell – make that years), and I think I’ve finally cleared something big. [Regarding the final part of my post, I do computer work on an hourly basis, and somehow I always feel like I’m charging people too much, no matter how low it actually is.]
I think a distinction needs to be made between perfectionism and what might be called a heavy emphasis on getting the details right. Even in most dictionary definitions, the implication is there that perfectionism is inherently excessive – it sets an impossible standard, when most times something less would suffice. In spiritual circles, perfectionism is considered destructive, and in general, people who sweat the details are regarded as picky, obnoxious, and impossible to please.
And yet… do you want your doctor to sweat the details? How about your accountant? Attention to detail is essential in graphic design – or any kind of design. Proofreading. Scanning. There are any number of areas in which being a detail person is highly useful if not absolutely required. Just now, I turned on the computer and it was acting bizarrely – I’d click on one thing and it would launch something else, or else it was completely unresponsive. I rebooted, and as it came back up I noticed that the End key was stuck in the down position. Not because I was looking for it – just because I perceived it as out of place as my eyes rested on the keyboard. I fixed it, and the problem was immediately solved. How much time might I have wasted trying to figure out such a random pattern of weirdness if I hadn’t seen that?
So yes, the flaws in things tend to stand out to me like beacons, and the exceptions in patterns scream for my attention, but this is not a curse. It. Is. A. GIFT.
But like any gift, it needs to be managed. It’s easy to let a commitment to getting things right turn into an obsession with having missed something. To let the knowledge that you tend to be better than other people at this sort of thing turn into “only I can do it right.” To let the little flaws distract you from seeing the value in things. To let your self-worth be determined by how many mistakes you’ve made.
To be intensely aware of the details is simply a fact about you, neither good nor bad. It’s what you choose to do about it – and the judgments you make – that matter.
I’ve struggle for years – YEARS – with feeling guilty for how much I charge for my work. I think I finally get it now that it’s not because of generally being down on myself or my work, because nobody disputes its quality. It’s because of the more subtle distinction that meticulousness and thoroughness take time, and the world tends not to be as into thoroughness as I am (“You’re being too picky!” “Nobody’s going to notice that!”). I can’t work any other way and still feel proud of my output, though, so I’ve felt bad about how long it takes me to finish anything because somehow I should have been less picky and gotten done faster – no matter how fast I actually get it done. Basically, I’ve been at war with my own standards.
Yet nobody likes having their project be sloppy and full of errors, even if they don’t notice those errors right away. There is value in what I achieve, and there are people out there who will appreciate it. So as long as I’m careful not to tip over into obsession and spend tons of time on stuff so small that people will *literally* never see it, then it takes the time that it takes, and that’s the price of a high-quality result. In principle, people who don’t want to pay that shouldn’t line up with me anyway.
Wow, thank you Journeywoman. It’s like you copy-pasted MY journal entry lol.
Seriously! Ever since I can remember, I was always about meticulousness and thoroughness. This was more than a decade BEFORE I developed unhealthy perfectionism. It’s because I *naturally* see my work as an extension of me or rather something that represents me. There’s no gap there and so it must reflect ME. And quality is something I value highly, not necessarily quantity and efficiency (although, of course it’s possible to deliver high quality work while getting those down as well, but in general, when I’m careful and thoughtful about a project, it does tend to take longer).
But here’s the thing— it’s directly related to inspired action, something Melody has talked about in the past. It’s about aiming….. aiming… aiming… having a picnic… aiming some more… and then firing (aka taking action). So the idea is, that when we do this, the action required to get something done flows easily and we actually get it done FASTER than if we had focused on getting it perfect or getting as much done as possible to begin with.
So it would seem this is contradictory to what we’re saying about high quality work and it taking longer.
As a recovered (not recovering haha) perfectionist, I would answer it like this. You’re entirely correct that noticing details and flaws is a trait more so than something that defines perfectionism. And it still takes longer for me to finish things now that I’m not a perfectionist. However, the ‘slowness’ has a ton more to do with “aiming, aiming, aiming” than it does with the action part.
In the perfectionism mindset, there is barely any flow (if at all). We’re just kinda pushing against the force of “immaculate.” As we work through the task, tons of things are popping in our mind and we’re making an almost endless internal to-do list and fighting a battle of sorts, which is counter-productive and has us split into a million different pieces, each begging for attention. Lots of action is required resulting in a slower process.
In the inspired mindset, there is immense focus and flow. We are not split, we show up whole and the flaws and areas of improvement are solved as a natural result of our detail-trait, focus and creativity. We intuitively act in ways that brings all the pieces together. Anything that might need to be fixed in the end is a tiny part of the process, an ‘extra’ if you will. Lots of waiting for the right moment(s) is required resulting in a slower OVERALL process (since we are adding the time it takes for us to ‘align’ and ‘plan’ and shift our energy)—the action being a small part of it. This looks lazy on the outside but that’s because the magic occurs inside.
That’s my take on it.
Good one Melody!!!! Love this!!! Perfect message. I had a visit with emotional perfectionism last month and I had to pause and ask myself…am I being a perfectionist? It’s kinda funny now that I think about it.
You look gorgeous in this video!
I’m kinda surprised about the negativity. I knew that we’re supposed to feel it and ‘let it go’. But, I thought we were supposed to be trying to feel happy(er) and that was the fuel that brought us happy(er) things. I’m glad, though that you vindicated how it’s okay to wake up in a shitty mood sometimes. I did think I’d let myself down when that happened.
I don’t have a problem with perfection, physically. I do have a problem with my reaction to people, and try to be perfect in that sense. Not that I’m a people-pleaser or a door mat, but that I always try to see it from their point and will put my attitudes towards making the other person feel better.
Also hate the misogyny or anything that’s not fair for another person or animal, really.
It’s not about focusing in a negative way. It’s about acknowledging how you really feel, even if that’s “negative”. About not ignoring it and glossing over it, in an attempt to feel better. If you can just feel better, great, but when something is really bothering us and we can’t just feel better, we have to be willing to feel the emotions, no matter what they are. That’s how we release them, and that allows us to reach higher and higher and feel better and better. 🙂
Love today’s video! I have to say i was somewhat concerned about remaining calm in the face of issues…. until yesterday. I had the most delicious rant where i was finally able to speak words forbidden for 40 years. I am So free of that pain now, i feel like I’m floating on air.
Regarding the global issues, i changed my mind about what I wanted to see. Instead of the focus being on the misogyny, what I see now is the new generations of women who will not be complacent or complicit with it. I see that its an exciting time to be alive, and an actual witness to our evolution.
Well done Judy!!!
Can’t think of a better way to start the day . you look great for someone that just woke up
Love the vid
These days, when “negative” emotions come up, I tend to get giddy, like “ohhhhh, something more to bring my power back!”. What challenges me more is the blah-type states, as those kind of slip under the radar many times. I’m being more and more aware of these, and diving into those sensations too. And would you guess it? They kind of lift off easily and quickly. 🙂 And I’m letting go of perfectionism in a slooooooooooow way, starting by not thinking that everyone is always watching and criticizing / judging me. In traffic that one comes up frequently, in “I should be going faster, this person is right behind me” or “I need to change lanes, this person is right behind me”. It almost sounds ridiculous, but it’s the one activity (driving) where I notice a fear of being criticized the most, and I’m an excellent driver! Guess it’s fear of road rage, since I do get wild at other people too sometimes!
Haha! Just yesterday I was sitting with my coffee checking FB and realized I wished we all posted some more “real” pics. So I snapped a no makeup, bedhead, coffee pic right then and there and posted it :). I definitely resonate with this 🙂 yahoo for REAL!
First of all Melody, you look fantastic! You’re such a natural beauty and your inner radiance amplifies it even more. You actually resemble one of my past co-workers in this video, a music teacher who was very much a Happy Shiny Puppy herself. She was a great person to work with, so thank you for reviving some good memories in me. 🙂
Secondly, I’m actually relieved to hear I’m not the only one struggling with the vibration of global misogyny. I’ve been in a bit of denial about it, like “Oh it’s not that bad, it’s just another sign of ascension” but truth to be told, I hate it. I’m scared of it. I’m infuriated by it. I simply cannot understand how in this day and age many still feel women need to be humiliated, dominated, controlled and restricted. It’s like they’ve completely forgotten we are people. We are individuals, each of us possessing our special gifts and abilities. Maybe that’s exactly the thing they’re so scared of? That we are not some hive mind collective. Masses are easier to control. I don’t know, I personally have zero desire to dominate anyone or any group. I just want to do my own thing and let others do theirs.
Looking forward to your next vid, and all the interesting topics there are to tackle!
LOVED this video Melody, possibly my favorite of the last year(s)! I really like how you’re opening up and letting your viewers/readers more into your life, and you’re honestly so beautiful even without makeup. The message in this video is exactly what I needed to hear right now, I’ve been struggling with allowing and really feeling my negative emotions for a while (ok, for most of my life), but I’ve come to the conclusion that anything except allowing it only makes it feel way way worse and last so much longer. My emotions are all over the place and really intense at the moment, so this was very reassuring to hear. THANK YOU! 🙂
I loved this video the most so far Melody and I honestly think you look good without makeup or your hair done.
I made the same mistake at the beginning, thinking I had to be happy all the time. And this was AFTER I had let go of perfectionism (to a large degree at least =P). It dawned on me that you can even be a perfectionist at self improvement and it ironically has the opposite effect of what we intend.
It all comes down to self acceptance, really. Allowing yourself to feel crappy and to have bad days. Recognizing the emotions and allowing yourself to feel…. to be human! That’s how we heal, as you said.
And it gets better from there.
CJ makes a great point. Keeping our shame and sadness quiet gives it even more power, like we’re ‘wrong’ for having such feelings. You might’ve heard about Dr. Brene Brown and her TED talks about shame. I’m currently reading her book “Daring Greatly.” It is a gem and I highly recommend it to everyone.
I look forward to your video on misogyny as well.
Happy Mother’s Day to all the other happy shiny puppies.
Hahahah! Nearly every conference call we had during Reality Academy I was either in bed or freshly up complete with panda eyes and no bra ???? you got the least perfect of me at least once a week Melody #celebrate xx
Thank you for the everyday video challenge.
Regarding emotions, the shaming of negative emotions is a very damaging dynamic. John Bradshaw’s ‘Healing the Shame…’ outlines the process very accurately, along with possible solutions. Not sure if you’ve read it?
Mel in your videos, there are micro-expressions of a deep sadness. These facial expressions appear and disappear in a split second, and it’s possible most people don’t even notice them. Could you show more of that? The risk of expressing sadness is that you will lose those who love you only because you’re a ‘happy shiny puppy’. They might just take off if you express that side of yourself. But the reward would be that anyone who stays will like the real you, whether shiny or not.
My favorite video yet!
I would love to hear more about your experience working with the vibration of global misogyny. Global issues have been coming up a lot for me in an emotionally charged way. My strategy has to a large extent been to ignore those thoughts with the belief that they are shit I don’t want to manifest. But! Last night (and so it’s funny that you posted this video today) I realized that if shit that’s happening in the world is having an emotional effect on me, then it is part of my vibration and is shit I can feel and release. Thank you for sharing that.
I’m a musician and perfectionism is fucking hard for me to let go of haha. I have been letting go of it a bit in this comment by cursing which has been fun. Oh God though, I have such engrained beliefs about wanting to be better at my instrument, and thinking about what I “should” practice. And thinking about how I need to practice shit that will get me work and so on and it feels terrible! It’s hard for me to completely let it go because there’s clearly some emotional work to do around it. Well I’m gonna look into it and let go of all of that shit. Thanks Melody!
I second both of these!
Mel, you don’t actually look that different without all the hair and makeup etc. Lucky for you, because some women look totally different without all the extras, and I get the impression it’s a huge pressure to do all that stuff in order to feel attractive.
Physical appearance is so intimately tied in with the ego, acceptance and rejection. Rejection can feel excruciatingly painful when in the grips of the ego, and can feel like ‘whatever!’ when you’re not. It’s the same for us guys.
Risking realness. Such hard work. But once again, I think knowing your likes and dislikes (self-honoring) can make the process of revealing the true self easier.
WOW!!! What a great video. And you look “Mahvalous Dahling” thank you sooo much.
<3 I love this video.
This is really good information for me. I KNOW that it's okay to not feel great all of the time and I still get twisted up in perfectionism about it. So… thank you!
Funnily enough, when I gave up that goal to be ‘perfect’ emotionally, I was genuinely happier more of the time. Feelings are just messengers, very very helpful ones! Releasing judgment and resistance of my ‘negative’ emotion freed up so much energy, and allowed me to work through my ‘stuff’ much more quickly. Our desire to avoid the feelings we don’t like, and be ‘happy’ all the time is almost juvenile in a way–might not be the best word but what comes to mind at this moment.