Bullying. It’s a huge problem in our world today. Of course, there have always been bullies, but we’ve become more aware of it in the last few years. And less tolerant of it. We’re not willing to just look away anymore, and rightly so.
But, why do we attract bullies? What’s the belief system that creates that whole sorry mess on both sides? And, most importantly, how can we stop the cycle? Is it ok to stand up to a bully, or are we supposed to have compassion for them? Is it ok to fight back?
I cover all that and more in today’s video.
Today, I want to talk to you about the subject of bullying, particularly if you’re being bullied, or if you know someone who’s being bullied, or possibly even if you’ve been guilty of bullying yourself. I want to bring a little bit more understanding to the subject, shine some light on it and hopefully, also give you a little bit of advice.
What causes bullying?
From an energy point of view, what’s actually going on when somebody’s getting bullied? I’m sure you’ve read that bullies are incredibly insecure people, that victims victimize, and so the “chain of pain” continues. And yes, that’s all true; bullies feel just as powerless as their victims. They’re actually two sides of the same coin. They’re both stuck in the same part on the spectrum of empowerment (if you don’t know what that means, it a term from my book, which you might want to go and grab if you haven’t already). Basically, what happens is this: We go from feeling incredibly powerless to fully empowered. And somewhere on that spectrum, in the lower part of the spectrum, is the part where we get manipulative behaviour as well as the people who are manipulatable. Those two complimentary behaviors are both in the same section, with one being a little bit lower on the spectrum and the other a little bit higher on the spectrum. But they both feel powerless.
When people manipulate, and bullying is a form of manipulation, they try to gain a little bit more power by overpowering somebody else or by getting that person to do something for them that they don’t want to do. It can be subtle or it can be really blatant, and it can even get physical. The victim is somebody who is in their fear, for whatever reason (insert reasons here; they’re infinite), who is in their powerlessness, and who is willing to cater to that kind of manipulative energy, which is what draws it to them in the first place.
How do we become a victim to bullying?
The victim of bullying is generally not very good at setting boundaries, and is therefore often a victim of manipulation in many different ways, from the different people in their lives. You may want to chalk it all up to bad self-esteem, but bad self-esteem is usually a result of powerlessness not the cause of it. So, both the perpetrator and the victim are in the same section of the spectrum of empowerment. What that means is that both of them are trying to gain their power. One by withdrawing from the threat and the other one by trying to be overpowering. It might surprise you a little to learn this, but bullies are often trying to overpower a threat; they often pick on somebody who they find threatening. Not generally physically threatening, but possibly ideologically threatening in some way. That person represents something to them that feels threatening and it can be as simple as this: Somebody who they feel has more freedom than they do to be who they are. And a lot of the time this is why people pick on people who are different. But here’s the thing: We’re all different; we’re all weird. Let’s just get that out of the way, right away: We’re all huge, giant, fucking weirdos. However, a lot of us won’t allow ourselves to own that, so we try to hide it. Because we think if the world sees just how weird we are, the world will reject us, and come after us with pitchforks. Some of us, though, can’t hide it all that well. It kind of squishes out of us at an early age. The way I like to think about it is this: it’s like we’re in a black and white world and everybody’s got all this color inside of them, and the color just kind of squishes out a little bit. And those people who are trying to suppress their own colorfulness, their own inner rainbow, if you will, they’ll come and try to shut down your color, because if you let yours out, maybe they’ll have to let theirs out. And that’s the thing they find most threatening of all. So, it’s a lot easier for them to shut you down instead.
Some people are going to do that in a variety of ways. Bullies show up in all forms. Some of them are just passive aggressive, some of them are very subtle about it, and some of them are not subtle at all. And like I said, it can go all the way to being physical. For example, your boss might bully you because you’re creative, and that causes you to do things differently. He wishes he could be creative too, but he doesn’t allow himself to be, so all his rage gets directed to you. And so, he’s going to do his best to shut that down in you, because he has to shut down the possibility of creativity, so that he doesn’t have to feel so bad about squashing it within himself.
How do we step out of this cycle?
The work we do with all this energy and law of attraction stuff is all about finding our power and it’s all about stepping into our power. And being bullied (or being a bully) is not different. It’s about moving up on the spectrum of empowerment. When someone’s trying to squash you so that they can feel a little bit more powerful, it’s because you make them aware, in some way, of their powerlessness. It’s about whatever you represent to them – that’s what they’re trying to shut down. But this “solution” isn’t actually creating any real power. It’s an attempt at gaining power, but it doesn’t actually work. We’re not talking about true power; we’re talking about a false sense of power.
If you look around in our world today, you can see this play out in many places, even on a national level. For example, countries bullying other countries and having to make a big show of how strong they are. This is not true power; this is a false sense of power coming from an absolute sense of powerlessness.
How do you stand up against somebody bullying you?
Again, it’s all about stepping into your power. I have to say this. Not a lot of people say it, but I’m going to say it. Even though I don’t condone violence on any level – I’m not going to choose violence if there’s any other choice (and there usually is) – sometimes the only way to step into your power is to fight back. Which means that you might have to have a verbal fight, you might have to have a legal fight, you might have to sue somebody, or you might have to even punch back. The way that I see that is, if you’ve been backed into a corner, and you’re on your knees, and somebody is just wailing on you, at some point it might be necessary to at least deliver one well-placed punch back, so that you can stop them or get away from them.
Having said that, I would always recommend that you do your best to step into your power first before you make any decision on whether or not you need to fight, on whether or not you need to file that lawsuit, or if you need to have the confrontation with the boss, or if you need to punch somebody. Usually, the only time this kind of physical response is going to be warranted, is if you’re being physically threatened – if you’re in immediate danger, but there are other ways to fight back. Keep in mind, I’m not talking about taking revenge; I’m not talking about chasing somebody down and give them what they’ve got coming; I’m talking about defending yourself, if that is what is required to step into your power. Sometimes it is, although not always, and less often than you might think; but sometimes it is. Even then, I would say, step into your power as much as you can before running into battle, because a lot of the time you’ll actually find that you no longer need to take that final action.
So, how do you step into your power pre-fight? One very effective method is to fight it out in your mind first, because in your mind there are no consequences. You can take it as far as you need to in order to get to that place of empowerment and satisfaction. Imagine that your bully is standing in front of you and let them have it. Have the big blow up conversation, hurl every insult, every epithet and punch the crap out of them, if it feels good to do so. You can even imagine yourself killing them, resurrecting them (because once wasn’t enough), and then killing them again. There are no consequences to what you can do in your mind. All that’s important is that you feel the satisfaction of the anger coming out and the feeling of moving into your empowerment.
You can also do things to help you feel more empowered, like take a martial arts class if somebody is physically threatening you. It might really help you to feel more empowered if you feel you can defend yourself (and if you actually CAN defend yourself). So, take that martial arts class or draft that lawsuit. Go talk to a lawyer and find out what your rights are.
Often times, these kinds of things will be enough. For example, the kid who’s taking the martial arts class might never actually end up having to using martial arts in a fight, because he’s now got a different energy, and so the kids no longer threaten him, or her. When you draft that lawsuit, you’ll get into a place of “I’m right! I’m in the right and this guy’s got nothing on me.” You might very well feel that you don’t even actually have to file the lawsuit anymore. That’s a decision you can make once you’re feeling more empowered.
When you’ve shifted your energy and you’re back in your power, you’ll know that you’ve got it when you don’t feel threatened anymore, when that person has no power over you. You may even kind of feel a little bit sorry for them.
I hope that I’ve explained, at least in a rudimentary way, what bullying is about and what is necessary in order for us to move out of bullying. Because, honestly, when we all feel more empowered there will be no more bullies and there will be no more victims of bullies. Both of those paradigms, those archetypes, will be shifted out.
The bottom line is that it’s all about empowerment, because when you’re empowered, you don’t get bullied and you don’t feel the need to bully anyone else. Everything that you can do to get more empowered, to feel more empowered, truly empowered, and not have a false sense of power, is going to help you shift out of those kind of situations. And then you’ll never have to experience them ever again.
Melody, what do we do when we are dealing with a nasty illness, that’s most likely caused by many sources of stress, disappointment, etc.? It’s very hard to ignore sharp pain.
Wonderful post. After I saw this post, I saw the movie Moonlight and was able to see this perspective played out completely. What a perfect explanation. Then I was able to draw some parallels in my life of being a shy kid and experiencing some bullying.
Hey melody ! Nice video, and yes this one did bring out some nasty truths about myself in the front. I have been on both sides – the bully as well as being bullied , however nowadays I realise I’m being more on the former side , feels powerful initially but soon I slink back to powerlessness and I feel guilty for my bullying, when I realise that this wasn’t the way to go about it . I donot receive alternatives but it does feel a lot guilty . Another nasty truth i realised that I try to protect myself a lot , from both the ends , so when I realise one end is strong in a conversation then the other I take their side so that I’m protected . I have manipulated this so that I feel safe and I can avoid confrontation coz the stronger side would be there to protect me .. I now realise tha this seldom works and at the end u feel worst as when u are alone in a situation with no stronger side out there , u feel helpless and then the bully cycle starts .. no creation happens and u feel frustrated, like a failure and not good enough
Well, this was interesting…but I find it really, really hard to believe “they’re just jealous of you.” Like to the point where I’d only believe it if it came out of a bully (or my bully’s) mouth. I honestly think it’s seeing someone who’s vulnerable and getting pleasure out of destroying them because it makes the bully feel better. Or that they don’t like weirdness and want it punished and destroyed. Especially when the bully is clearly dominant/higher in the food chain/”better” than whoever they are picking on. And god knows what is mine jealous OF? I don’t have anything better than they do–quite the opposite.
Sorry, but I really, really just don’t see “they’re just jealous” as a reason.
I agree … mostly. I think there’s something to be said for just letting the bully be a bully, questioning him or her politely (a.k.a. “Are you trying to be hurtful? Why?”) and dropping all defenses. Energetically, this can be very powerful.
Melody, I continue to love your in-depth posts. Been reading for years.
I have to sit on fence with this one . I teach my kids to walk away and not let anyone use your precious time up with nonsense . As for adults such as a employer trying to manipulate you etc , then move away from that employer and find respect someplace else . I have learnt you got to be happy what you do always .
We all have a bunch of balloons , each one represents someone or something ,occasionally we need to let go of ones that make us unhappy and keep hold of ones that do.
Absolutely. Walking away is always an option. However, sometimes you walk away, and the same manifestation comes back again and again. Then it’s time to stand up. When you’re in your power, simply walking away is the best and indeed, the most attractive option. And it totally works. And even if you’re close to your power. And it sounds to me like you and your kids are quite empowered. But not everyone who reads my blog is in the same boat. And they need slightly different advice, because walking away doesn’t solve the issue for them. It just comes back in the next job/relationship/playground…
Hi Melody ,
In the playground or working environment , I still believe removing yourself is the best option or talk to someone who’s more empowered at the least . In my experience of kids that have taken self-defense , they have turned out to be the problem and a lot grow up to regret what they have done . Even a TV program has been aired to help former bullies track down they’re victims to say sorry so they can move on with their lives but totally agree with relationship thing , I can visualize the feeling of being trapped and totally secluded , removing yourself although still a valid option , may be task difficult to fulfill and in those circumstances , something else needs to be done. I would imagine it is so hard to reach out for someone and my heart goes out to anyone in that situation.
Maybe I’m wrong … When your in that situation in the playground, things may not be that simple. Quite often fighting back turns into friendship , so on the flip side , this method could be used to enter their space and help them see that love prevails and whatever their underlying issues they have , they can turn it around. That could also work with your boss …possibly.
I don’t know …. Just the way I see it .
This came at the perfect moment, as these things tend to happen. 😉 I’m working with a client that is being “bullied” by her family, and I’m helping her come to a place of higher empowerment. From my experience in this work, family (moms or dads) bullying is the hardest to let go of, because when people try to step into their power and create boundaries, they are made to feel guilty about it, that they’re abandoning their poor parents who did everything for them, and are really portrayed as selfish bastards to the rest of the family, which causes a vicious cycle of powerlessness and despair because they feel betrayed and alone, and that maybe they are doing something wrong. Some social dynamics are just a mess, and to entangle that mess takes a LOT of courage, and energy!
Yes it does, Isabel. True dat. 😉
But it’s so worth it! If you can do this in relation to family, you can do it with anyone.
Thank you for shining your light so brightly.
The backlash the person is experiencing that Isabella is coaching……..is that anything to worry about? The feeling betrayed and alone after one sets a boundary, and then gets a bad rap, is that a manifestation? I also got that when putting the foot down with family? Was wondering what that is all about?
If you stand up for yourself from a place of powerlessness, you’ll get backlash. If you stand up for yourself from a place of power, you won’t. This is why I coach people to do exercises that help empower them and let the action be the LAST thing they do. That way, they’re much more in their power when they have the conversation and it goes well. 🙂
This was so perfect for me right now! I am having a lot of this going on, particularly at work. Not so much overt bullying, but definitely manipulation. Not really enough to get a lawyer involved, but enough to make me feel miserable.
I also have an issue with friends and I was wondering how to deal with this situation. I have been feeling more and more that people bully me into doing things because they want to do them or that they contact me at the very, very last minute and assume that I will drop what I am doing. But here is the problem, a lot of the time, when I actually allow myself to be pressured into doing something, I actually enjoy it in the end! So I am being pressured, but then the outcome is in my interest.
Ok, so look at your manifestation. If they are “manipulating” you into something that you actually would’ve ended up choosing if you’d known how it would feel, then perhaps this isn’t manipulation, but the Universe giving you opportunities to say yes, and showing you that you have a reluctance to…
Thank you so much for the reply *hugs*.
What I wonder, though, is if I am being offered opportunities by the universe to say ‘yes’, why does it feel so bad? Aren’t we supposed to listen to our feelings? So, is the universe offering me opportunities to override my inner feelings by giving me a great outcome if I say no to my feelings at the time?
I’m confused (clearly!) – and this is a genuine question, because I would say yes if I knew beforehand that it would all work out beautifully in the end. So then my feelings must be wrong?? But if I can’t trust my feelings, then I am not sure what to do.
Wanted to add – I know, Melody, that you are not saying that we should ignore our feelings – that is not what you teach! This is obviously a wodge of resistance coming up, just not totally sure what it is yet. 🙂
[..]by overpowering somebody else or by getting that person to do something for them that they don’t want to do. It can be subtle or it can be really blatant, and it can even get physical.[..]
if someone is driving a car and he is heading towards a wall and we are sitting next to him and we start saying “could you please slow down? take your foot from the gas and put it on the brake”, and he just does not want to do that because he is “a huge giant fucking wirdo”… does that count as subtle bulling and manipulative action to make him stop before the disaster, evoked by the underlying fear that we will lose both car and our lifes? And If it is your car they are driving , do we have permission to punch them, throw them out of the window and take the wheel in order to save our lifes and the car, or does that count as physical bullying? Because, if you do not want to be accused as a person who bullies, then the only option is to jump out of the car, lose the car and let the crush happen (and stay without a car for a little while). And this is a typical scenario when unqualified and mad people think they know everything there is and take for granted that everything is perfect because they just say so, making obvious mistakes and leading people to their death without even aknowledging it and without thinking the consequencies of their actions. Should we take action or should we encourage them to just crush on the wall at maximum speed possible so they can achieve their full weirdness potential ?
This doesn’t sound like a case of bullying to me. If the driver is about to cause injury or even death, it’s not bullying to intervene and prevent him from hurting people. I don’t think that Melody meant that all cases of one person making someone else do something they don’t want to do are cases of bullying. She probably meant that making someone do something they don’t want to do, just to make yourself feel powerful, is bullying. In the driver case, most people want to stop the driver to prevent a crash! Not because they just want to plump their egos by being bossy. If there were some very strange person who was like, “I actually don’t care if you crash and kill people. I just really want to feel better about myself by making you drive slowly, which you don’t like to do,” then that would be a case of having the wrong motive for the right outward action. That would be a case where a bully got lucky and did the right thing, just for very lousy bullying reasons. But again, it’s usually not “bullying” to stop people from causing injury and death.
I know Lisa. That’s exactly what I’m trying to do right now (or what I was trying, as plans have changed because I don’t like to talk to a wall). Melody has fully understood uncosciously what I’m trying to say. 4 years ago, she would have agreed right away, but now she is absorbed to a line of thinking that doesn’t allow her to see clearly.
I expected more from a teacher who says that reads energy. An experienced teacher should know how the energy of a person who is inerfering with politics looks like, but perhaps she has made her stand and has her own explanation for this thing. I on the otherside, feel very different and I think that this teaching could help, but only with setting boundaries, and some boundaries have been crossed and beliefs fly in the air.
And because seeing is NOT believing, those beliefs influence people who come to make the wrong conclusions by following the thoughts of other people and they continue to focus in a way that doesn;t serve anything. Some say it is normal, others talk about nature, and some people just ask what’s normal anyway, as if they don’t know. Ad then they try to justify it, supporting plans of entities who others don’t admit that exist, and others would prefer to serve. There comes religion, but religion is “getting stuck to lower vibrations” and they don’t want to examine what they actually say, or they have chosen the other side and use logical explanations to find an excuse for their decision.
Some say that this is an underlying fear to someone who feels powerless. But this explanation does not cover the situation of a democracy where you give away your power (and for an extremely powerful lightworker who has the ability to influence people and stays silent and observing things, that is not powerlessness, but respect to the law and the will of other people). Because not all people have the ability to examine such subjects with clarity and knowledgw, looking at people who are consciously making mistakes feels awful.
And when you see people that know that politics IS a reflection of our vibration and have written about Trump pointing that this was a manifestation of our fear, it is awkward to see sych a person not aknowldeging the fact that some decisions of our society are plain bullshit. And btw, giving away your power and lowering your vibration, you accept some beliefs that clearly don’t benefit anyone, but someone seems to ignore it, accepting the false truth that some people are just born this way, which tey know it is false. And others have to clear those beliefs or live their life as a mass not to get affected, but that again, is none of our concern. Melody is fully capable of understaning those things and I expected wisdom, but since teachers are not willing to help so people can be persuaded more easily on a matter of such importance, we must find another way. Tony out and never coming back
Hi Melody, this is very up for me because I’m divorcing a narcissist who alternates between bully and “nice guy.” (Classic, huh?) Anyway, I wanted to go the peaceful route, but the worse he behaves, the more force I have to apply. Bleh! Not my style at all, but tip-toeing around and trying to keep the peace is what helped create this monster! I can’t keep acquiescing 🙁
I’m struggling a bit with my next move, which is taking him to court. (Hiring a lawyer was a really big, scary deal for me, and now starting a court case—yikes!) But it has to be done. I got excited when you said sometimes you just gotta fight. But then my energy went down when you said sometimes just stepping into your power is enough and you don’t have to go through with fighting. I think that answers my question, but this “standing up for myself” is new, so I’m still wobbly. Your thoughts?
I was bullied a lot as a kid, and the bullying was at its worst when I was in the sixth grade. Fortunately, at that time our school counselor started setting up group counseling sessions once a week during lunch, and after filling out a questionnaire she had sent to students, I was one of the girls chosen for those all-girl group sessions. I had spoken about the problem I was having with bullying, and she mentioned three strategies that could be used to combat it. Two of those strategies I didn’t feel I could do (I didn’t have it in me to tease them back or to laugh it off when I didn’t find the situation funny), but the third strategy, ignoring the bullies, seemed doable. Shortly after I had started ignoring my bullies, all but one of them had stopped bullying me.
The one exception was the one male bully I had. No matter how much I ignored him, he would not stop pestering me. One day he followed me all the way from class to my locker doing something, I don’t remember what, that annoyed me immensely. I had ignored him until, finally, I couldn’t stand it anymore. I then slammed my locker door closed, made a fist, and raised my arm getting ready to punch him. He immediately ran away, and I chased him down the hall until he left through the double doors heading outside. From that day on, even after I had changed schools, I never had a problem with bullies ever again.
Cutest Melody, this was exactly what I needed to hear. My boss used to be a bit of a bully but nowadays she leaves me alone. Someday I may meet my sister-in-law who makes the rest of the bullies in Bully Land look bad and from what I’ve been hearing from my husband, she hasn’t changed at all which makes me feel a bit frightened. Also, in this moment I also want to take the opportunity to say THANK YOU to you Melody for what you and your sister Tina have done for me. I was in SO much pain when I first connected with you and I had tried just about everything. You are my biggest hero and I love you to death. THANK YOU so much for everything and for everything you continue to do.
Hi Rose. I had quite a few bullies going on at the same time in 2011 which is why I found this site. One was my sister in law too but if you just allow her own anger to mirror back to her, she will leave your life or she wont affect you one bit. Mine stopped bothering me and left the family completely, her true colours unfolding for everyone to see without me having to lift a finger. I didn’t even have to visualize this to happen. Her own anger mirrored back to her just as mine did when my sister in law arrived.
I had built up so much momentum that I had to see some things out to the end but what I found fast forwarded my empowerment was taking the high road with my thoughts and actions as opposed to revenge!! If anger turned up, I would do an anger release (as Melody describes in her transcript above) but the moment I finished killing my EX-SIL in my head (a few times lol), I’d go about my day with love.
Had I not found Melody, I may have ended up in prison to mirror even more powerlessness but instead I’m here writing with the feeling of safety, harmony and peace and if you’ve experienced bullying then you’ll agree that’s all we want. Just to feel safe again.
You’re surrounded with our love and you’re safe.
Dear Kim, I felt your love. You are so lovely. You have all my gratitude and more. XOXO I too would’ve surely been in prison if not for Melody. It surprised me to no end when I finally got in touch with my anger with Melody’s help and released it constructively. I still struggle with my anxiety and anger but knowing that Melody’s blog will always be there for me to go back to is very comforting. I’m so very happy to hear you feel safe and at peace. To me, that is the biggest gift anyone can ever have. Thank you so much for sharing that with me. Also, if possible, can you please explain this part “if you just allow her own anger to mirror back to her, she will leave your life or she wont affect you one bit” in a little more detail? Can you please give me an example? Thank you so very much for your excellent advice and I’m so very eager to implement it. <3 <3 <3 XOXO
Sorry Sim, not Kim. Please forgive me. XOXO