Today, we’re going to start a new series all about relationship sabotage (all kinds of relationships, romantic, business, familial, etc.). When we feel insecure or afraid, we can often engage in some crazy behavior that brings about the exact opposite of what we want. In short, it guarantees that we’ll fail. I call this our inner crazy bitch. We all have one (yes, even men). We all suffer from Crazy Bitch Syndrome from time to time.
I’ve identified 4 different types of Crazy Bitch behaviors that commonly pop up when our insecurities are triggered, and will be dissecting each one in a video over the next few weeks. Where does our crazy bitch come from? What makes her come out? What determines which kind of crazy bitch behavior we engage in? And what can we do to heal the crazy bitch?
In today’s video, I begin with a seemingly benign Crazy Bitch behavior that could be making sure no potential partner, friend, colleague or even boss will get near you, even though you desperately want nothing more. It’s called negging, and you may not even know that you’re doing it (or you may know, but be in complete denial about the effect it’s having on those around you).
What is Crazy Bitch Syndrome?
Crazy Bitch Syndrome happens when our insecurities (it’s always our insecurities), cause us to sabotage our relationships. Romantic relationships, business relationships, platonic relationships; it really doesn’t matter which relationship we’re talking about. Anytime we’re dealing with other people, crazy bitch syndrome can cause us to sabotage our relationships in many specific ways. Our inner crazy bitch starts to come out and we engage in what I call “crazy bitch behavior”.
First of all, I want to explain that I’m not talking about “bitch” in the traditional sense, where it’s a used to insult women. Men have inner crazy bitches too; everyone’s got an inner crazy bitch. Even me! The important things here are: Is it (the crazy bitch behavior) being activated, is it coming out, and what can we do about it? Over the next few weeks I’m going to break down this syndrome in 4 different videos and I’m going to talk about the different aspects and the different types of crazy bitch behavior we can engage in, where they’re coming from, how we’re sabotaging our relationships with them, and what we can do if we are doing that. I’ve talked to many, many, many clients over the years that have engaged in crazy bitch behavior, and so I thought it was high time to make a video series about this. It’s something that is really prevalent today.
Now, you might be thinking “Oh, I don’t have a crazy bitch in me.” Well, yes you do and I promise you it has come out at least once or twice in your life. In fact, it may be coming out more often than you realize.
The first type of crazy bitch behavior that I’d like to talk about is what I call “Negging”. Negging is when you engage in behaviors that you would often consider to be playful banter or flirting with somebody. It doesn’t have to be sexual; it can be in a platonic relationship; it can even be at work; It’s when you think you’re joking or kidding or being cute but in fact you’re actually being mean. Now, you might be doing this totally unconsciously and you don’t even realize you’re doing it, or you might be in total denial about the fact that you’re doing it. You might be thinking “Oh no, I’m only joking. I’m being funny. I know this person really likes it.” Or, you might be doing it deliberately, thinking that you’ll get some kind of a positive response from the other person.
Why do I call it Negging?
This is actually a term that I picked up from (see what I did there?) pick-up artists, a phenomenon I’ve always found fascinating. Pick-up artists are men, usually, who teach other men how to pick up women. They tell them what to do to be successful with the ladies, which often involves wearing really flashy things. They have certain lines to say and they demonstrate certain behavior towards the women. One of the behaviors that they teach is called Negging. This entails approaching a beautiful woman and giving her a back-handed compliment to bring down her self-esteem. The idea is that she’ll now enthusiastically vie for the attentions of the one who negged her. And, you know what? She will. If she has horribly, horribly low self-esteem. A woman who does not have such low self-esteem will not respond to that behavior in a positive way. She will not respond to a put-down in a positive way. So, I suppose that negging is a great way to filter out any woman who has any kind of self-respect or self-esteem and leave only the women who will basically go out with just about anyone who pays attention to them (but not too much!). So, maybe that’s the strategy behind the whole pick-up artist thing… But anyway, this is where the term Negging came from and I think it’s really apt for describing the type of crazy bitch behavior I’m dissecting today.
An example of (crazy bitch) Negging is when you might think that you’re joking with somebody, but in fact you’re actually being really mean to them; you’re putting them down. You think you’re flirting, but your flirtation is mean and sarcastic. For example, somebody might be singing a song and your first response is “Oh wow! Haha; that sounds like a drowned cat!” You think you’re being funny, but you’re not; you’re actually being mean. Consider how you’d feel if somebody said that exact same thing to you, somebody was responding this way to you, and continuously putting you down. Would that make you like them more? Would that make you think “Wow, this is a healthy person, somebody who I might want to hang out with.” Or would it turn you off them and make you say “I don’ think that person likes me very much.” And, by the way, if their behavior would make you run after them to try to gain their approval, then you really, really need to do some self-esteem work…
Why would someone engage in Negging?
The reason why we might engage in this type of behavior is because there’s an insecurity within us and a feeling of unworthiness, or a belief that we can’t be loved. But what we’re really doing, which is going to sound crazy when said out loud, which is precisely why we call it “crazy bitch behavior”, is this: You want this other person to like you and to respond positively to you, but you don’t want to let them know that you like them. So, you put the negative stuff out first. For example, “I don’t like you, even though I secretly do; you show me first that you like me.” And if they show you that they do like you then, obviously, you’re worthy and you’re lovable and then there’s no risk. So, there’s a real fear of rejection in there, even though basically what you’re doing is rejecting them before they can reject you. Therefore, a lot of the crazy bitch behavior is really counter-intuitive. It brings about the exact opposite of what we want and it ensures that we never get what we want. Which is why it’s so detrimental and why we want to stop doing it.
My experience of Negging
This happened to me, by the way. I used to do this in my social and dating life because I was really, horribly insecure many, many, many moons ago. I remember I thought I was being funny, sarcastic, and that I had a “sharp” sense of humor and so, I would put people down. Keep in mind, I wasn’t being cruel. I wasn’t being a bully. I would just subtly (or not so subtly) and “jokingly” put people in their place. This is the type of relationship behavior most often modeled in sitcoms on TV, by the way.
I was actually being mean, without realizing it. And when I did realize it, it broke my heart. I couldn’t believe that I was a mean person because I’d never thought of myself as a mean person. I’m not, deep-down, but it was a way to keep myself safe while at the same time deluding myself into thinking that I was actually flirting. I don’t do that anymore, obviously, and I haven’t done that for years and years and years and it’s worked out WAY better for me. It’s amazing how people respond differently when you stop pushing them away… (that was sarcasm. I still use it, just not to engage in negging.)
How do you stop Negging?
You could be doing this at work, your boss might be doing it with his employees, and you might certainly be doing it in your dating life when you’re trying to attract somebody. You probably do it a lot more when you actually really like somebody. You might do it a lot less with your friends (although some people base their whole friendship on insults) but when you see the hottie in the club or at the restaurant or at the party or wherever, this behavior starts to get triggered and comes out. You might catch yourself and think “Why did I say that?” Well, the reason you said it is because it’s a manifestation of your insecurity.
Here’s an exercise that you can do to stop Negging: Go back to some of the interactions that you’ve had, where you might cringe in hindsight about some of the things that you said. Pretend that you’re back in that scene, that the person you negged is standing right in front of you. And now, say the things that you actually wanted to say.
Now, this can get really uncomfortable. You’re going to be facing fears you didn’t even necessarily know you had. But remember, you’re safe. You’re in your own home, and the exercise is all in your head. You can also have as many do-over’s as you want to have because you’re doing this at home by yourself. You’re not going to hit it out of the ballpark on the first try, which is totally normal. So, keep practicing; keep getting more and more authentic and more and more honest about what it was that you actually wanted to say. For example, you might have wanted to say “You know what? I think you’re really cute.”, but instead you made fun of their hair.
The idea of actually saying that you thought they were cute might be totally unthinkable to you at this moment, but keep practicing, because it’ll get more comfortable. And then, go out into the real world and practice actually being authentically positive, authentically complimentary. What do I mean by that? I mean, try giving people compliments. You don’t have to bombard them with compliments and you don’t have to have every second sentence coming out of your mouth be a compliment. Aim for one or two in an interaction. Shit, aim for one in the beginning if it’s totally new to you.
The key to giving compliments while not being a total sycophant, or being somebody who kisses up to other people – one of those people who throws themselves all over others is the authenticity. You want to be authentic in your compliment. Don’t say something that you don’t mean. If somebody makes a joke and you don’t think it’s funny, you don’t have to laugh uncontrollably while gushing “You’re so funny!” You don’t have to do that. You can genuinely compliment somebody – “Wow! That was really funny.” Or “Wow! That was really insightful.” Or “Hey, I love your outfit; I love your shoes.” Whatever feels authentic to you.
The really great benefit of giving compliments is when you start to do it, it gets you focused on noticing what’s right and noticing what it is that you like about that person. So, instead of looking for all the things that are wrong with that person, which you were probably inadvertently doing, especially if you’re Negging, look for the things that you like about them instead. Then you can express it to them. You don’t have to express every compliment, and yes, it’s going to be uncomfortable at first, but notice what happens when you give somebody an authentic compliment. Unless they have horrible self-esteem, in which case they’re going to be like “Ah, this old thing. Pfffft.”, they’re going to light up.
You really want to aim for hanging out with people who can take a compliment, who are going to light up. They’re going to be a lot more fun to hang out with, because they have a higher vibration. The whole idea of doing this is to raise your vibration and to be able to continually raise your vibration, so that your environment and the people in it mirror that back to you.
What happens when you give somebody an authentic compliment?
This is what happens: They can feel the energy of your authenticity and it lights them up; they get really happy. Now, guess what happens if you’re looking for a partner and you do that? You become super attractive. You do! Because we like people who like us. There’s nothing wrong with showing somebody that you appreciate them. There’s nothing wrong with showing somebody that you think they’re attractive. You’re not making any kind of commitment by doing that. You don’t have to marry them by doing that. You can certainly get to know them better and you can let them know by saying “Hey! I like you right now. From what I’ve seen, I like you so far. And here’s what I appreciate about you.” Again, you don’t have to bombard them with compliments, but a few well sprinkled authentic compliments can make you super, super attractive to other people, including potential partners. It can also make you super attractive to potential employers or your co-workers even. It just makes you a way more pleasant person to be around. You’re in a better mood and now they’re in a better mood. It’s a win/win/win all around.
We are going to continue this series over the next 3 weeks. There are going to be 3 more videos where I break down more components of the Crazy Bitch Syndrome; the crazy bitch behavior. And if any of this applies to you (again, I mean men and women), then you’ll get some solutions on why people do this. Maybe you have some friends who do this, and you’ll now understand them better. Again, you’ll get solutions on why people do this and what to do about it if you are experiencing this.
melody.. really love your post
Well that was very… interesting to read. I honestly never realized how much i do this as a defense mechanism . The thing is: in my experience as a heterosexual woman, when i got too “open” about my feelings or i tend to be “too nice” (and not nice to get something in return, nice in just doing pretty much what is being described, which is my natural state of being) , i feel like men get scared, and ven worse that boost their egos in a way that they end up pushing them away or making me resent them in a way that i end up leaving. I am conscious that you attract the kind of people by the thoughts you have, but to me is a tuggle war on if i should or shouldnt wear my heart on my sleeve and ending up feeling somewhat used to boost a man’s ego till my confidence gets dries out and either he leaves or i do (as it happened a few times) or if i should be the “crazy bitch” that doesnt show emotion and end up pushing people away (which also happened and is exausting bc is not my true self) ,Of course being indecisive about it doesnt bring the right kind of men, or when it does, its like things go sour too fast. So, what should i do?
Sadly, we live in a society that teach men to treat women badly to boost their egos (the whole “negging” thing come from male pick-up artists, for example.) and doesnt really encourage them to show emotional availability , and as much as we have to seek for individual growth, we live on that society so we are affected by it, so… How do we(we i mean women that have struggled with that) get that balance on being nice to men without getting them “too cocky” or without us being “bitches”? Is it just an self-work? I always wondered that :/
Great post Melody. I realized my wife and I do this a lot to each other. Well our relationship is very playful in general, and I do try to avoid saying things that might be hurtful. It’s an interesting thing to think about though.
I like the part about compliments. It’s always been hard in my own life to give compliments, and at my job, I often wish I was complimented more for my work.
I know I already commented before, but now I have a question lol. Is teasing a form of negging? For example, if you gently tease a friend, and they tease you back is that still crazy bitch behavior? Even though you’re both joking, and find it funny & you know that the other person actually really likes you. I was just wondering if there’s a difference? Does the vibration change when it’s done from a place of love?
Great question. No, this kind of teasing is not crazy bitch behavior. As long as you both feel it’s funny, and it feels good to both. But notice that when you are teasing, you’re probably not hitting below the belt. You’re not insulting them or putting them down. You’d never exploit their insecurities for a joke, for example. Gentle ribbing or teasing is fun, but when we’re mean and call it “teasing”, it’s CBS behavior. 🙂
Well, I’m Scottish and ‘negging’ is pretty much how I was taught to communicate when I was growing up! My own family and as a stereotype, my country people, are definitely not known for being emotionally open – we wouldn’t want to be accused of being soft now would we? And of course, our banter is renowned. Your social status is often linked to your ability to ‘take a slagging’. A few members of my family are particularly well known for their caustic sense of humour. It’s definitely pretty much the only way that I knew how to start a conversation or break the ice when I was younger and very insecure…in fact I remember some of our teachers at school getting on side with their classes by making of fun of kids in the class ‘are you wearing those shoes for a dare?’ as an opener on the first day of term for example
It wasn’t really until I moved away from Scotland, and found a group of friends from another part of the world that I realised that I was being really harsh and hurtful with what I thought was my playful banter at times. I’m definitely much more aware of it now, but still now and again something slips out and when I see the split second reaction from the other person I immediately feel awful and apologise. I’m still very Scottish in that I am still very closed about my own feelings and don’t often share them with others, and if I do it will be in a funny self-depreciating way – and telling someone else I think they’re cute (even though I really, really do!)…well, I’m working on it 😉
Over the last few months I have had a woman flirt with me heavily (long stares, suddenly wearing makeup and her hair down after receiving a compliment from me when she never did that before, coming to my area on a few occasions to initiate conversation talking about personal things like health issues, she’ll also come to give me something trivial like a piece of paper just to see or talk to me). I on the other hand am shy (a Cancerian) and am slow to come out of my shell. My flirting has consisted of smiling, playful stares, and just being attentive to her when she approaches and answering her questions. Everything was going fine until the other day, she came up to me out of the blue and accused me of flirting. I was aghast. It was definitely both ways – more so her than me. I had no problem admitting to this, but she would not admit her role. She told me she was married and that I “came to the wrong place at the wrong time” and after I confessed that I had a crush on her, she abruptly told me to “move to another state and find someone else”. I am still trying to figure out this behavior. Not sure if it’s “negging” or something different, but this lady did a total “180” on me for no reason and when I told her my feelings her reaction worsened. Perhaps an insecurity? I would appreciate anyone chiming in on this one…
Oh dear Eff, this is totally crazy bitch syndrome. She wanted attention, sought it out and received it. But when it got real and therefore scary, she gaslighted (gaslit?) you and made it seem like it was all you. I’m guessing that there’s a whole lot of stuff in this woman’s life and her relationship that she’s not addressing, which is causing the CBS to be activated. For your part, look at your own manifestation. How does it feel to have this kind of manipulative behavior pointed towards you. Perhaps it’s brought up some doubts (like “Is it just me? Am I crazy or is she?”), or perhaps you’ve experienced this kind of behavior before… Look at your own part of it (not the crazy part, but how it felt to you).
You’re obviously really open and honest, which is wonderful. But this did manifest for a reason.
Hope that helps. Smooshy hugs,
Thanks for the reply! I have answered those questions to myself. At first (for a few weeks) it felt absolutely horrible! It made me very sad (because I wondered how someone could be interested in me and discard me like trash) and even a little angry/resentful (because I felt lead on and screwed with)…AND I felt a deep sense of loss. But then I realized something. I have abandonment issues from when I was younger and I fear rejection. Her sudden behavior triggered that and the complete “180” from seductive/emotionally attentive to dismissive and fault-finding was a total shock! I realized that over time my emotions were conditional upon her behavior toward me and because of that I was not able to maintain vibrational alignment with my Inner Being. I am working on just feeling good every day and if I can’t make it, then I try to at least feel relief so that there is no resistance. I love her and I want her also to be happy and every day I try to think of the wonderful times we had. I believe she is my Twin Flame because the connection was just like “Shazam!” I think her reaction to me was from fear and that my feelings have caused me to do some soul work on myself and to heal my Inner Child. She is helping me with that…and her soul knows it.
In a nut shell, I believe this manifested because she fears love/falling in love and I fear abandonment/rejection. I am not afraid to express my feelings whereas she is. But I am afraid to “let go” and she does not hesitate to ignore/avoid me (“letting go” by physically/emotionally distancing herself) and show indifference the more I make my emotions known. Even though these things are opposites, fear of love and fear of abandonment both come from the same place…a sense of unworthiness. I feel that I am right on in my analysis of what has happened. I am truly thankful for meeting her because it has forced me to realize that I act needy when triggered and I know why. Now I know the meaning of “let go, and let God”.
I’m a Cancerian and had abandonment issues too which were brought up by a similar situation you’ve got going on with Crazy. I’m going to be blunt but I do mean well.
1. You don’t know what she’s going through, why she manifested you or why she did what she did. You think she’s fearful of falling in love but that’s one possibility out of millions. Another possibility is she was enjoying flirting with you (you made her feel desired) but perhaps she feels shameful for flirting with you while she was married. That could be why she blamed you (gaslit) you soley for the past co-flirting.
You can speculate all you want about the other person in our manifestations but it wont give you the reason/s why this is happening to you and how to overcome it.
You have co-created this together because she was the perfect fit to show you what you needed to see (apparently your abandonment issues) and now it’s time to address that by simply acknowledging it and try to remember and “sit with the feeling” when you felt it in the past.
2. She’s not your Twin Flame or Soulmate!! There is a term for people who get stuck on one person when they THINK /believe they have found THE ONE. It’s called One-itis (actually I think the term may have started in the PUA community too) Basically if you believe she’s the only person for you or the perfect person for you, you’re setting yourself up to believe in scarcity and that will stop you from healing and stop you from attracting the Next One.
This woman is only One-of-the-Ones and not a very good one (if you think someone that behaves like that is a good match for you, you need to do some more inner work – dont worry we all do). Eff, there will be a Next One that will give you so much more joy, feelings of belonging, feelings of being desired, that dopamine (feelings of euphoria) high, not needing to eat or sleep much but if you focus so much on the Past One, the future Next One can’t arrive! Dont deny yourself the present because of the past enjoyment you had. Have faith in the future Next One arriving but enjoy the present moment. Once you do that the Next One will be much better and will arrive with grace. Hmm any Grace’s in your life?
With much love
This is going to be a VERY INTERESTING series! 😀 I didn’t even know “negging” was a technique and one that is being taught! In the past, I’d just brush people that do that off as ass-holes, now it’s “poor insecure ass-holes”. Interesting that some people want to LEARN how to be like that! 🙂
The compliment thing is one that I want to practice, because it wasn’t something I grew up doing and it still feels “unsafe” somehow, like it gives someone the chance to be mean and stuck up, which I know is not realistic. Or it makes me not be in control… I’d say there’s SOME stuff to clear there. 🙂
Can negging also be non-verbal in nature? I found I had this response with a guy I dated. He had a way of making facial expressions as if he were unsure about me or not yet convinced of me (maybe a side eye, confused expression on his face, or a sarcastic eye roll that was jokingly given, but didn’t feel accepting at all). It was as if I were being pulled in with compliments in one moment and then pushed out the next with the facial expressions in the other or that would happen simulatiously (as if the facial expression disregarded the compliment). I would, at that time, try to get his approval or modify my behavior or think, “what is he finding wrong with me?” or do things to be more pleasing. That self esteem thing! But that doesn’t work now. Interestingly, I had a conversation with a new guy (yesterday!) and I knew I wasn’t interested. But my guides said, have a conversation to see how you engage with him. I engaged in new way around that behavior. I felt uncomfortable at first and felt that old subtle pull to be pleasing, then I focused more on him in awareness and got in touch with my feelings during the conversation. In that moment, I didn’t feel the need to modify myself. Happy about these new posts coming up yay!!!
Yay Amber! Yes, negging can be non-verbal. Thanks for catching that! And congratulations and noticing how you’ve shifted and no longer cater to that. Yay!!!
Happy dance time!
My concern is that – in a romantic setting, even though I’m all for the “give compliments” camp – it does sometimes feel like giving people compliments makes them lose interest in you. So in time I’ve just resorted to barely any compliments- but absolutely no nagging either. Even if they’re shy- I’ll encourage people to sing, even if they’re out of pitch or w/e, and help them improve if they want to.
First of all, check to see if your compliments are authentic, or if you’re giving them (even if you mean it, and this can be subtle) because you’re hoping to get something in return (a more subtle version of trying to get people to like you, or trying too hard). Second, check on the quality of people who are losing interest. What is it that they’re after? Does authenticity or intimacy make them uncomfortable? Do they actually prefer to be with someone who “makes them work for it”, thinking that then the “reward” is somehow worth more? Are you attracting people who are emotionally open and honest? Or do you perhaps feel like you being fully and unapologetically and fabulously you isn’t somehow acceptable? Take a look at your manifestations and how they feel. There’s some fine tuning to do. 🙂
How does one build self esteem?
Start telling yourself things you want to be true. Eventually they will be. It’s like building a muscle. It doesn’t matter if you can’t lift 100lbs. Just lift 5. Next week maybe you can lift 7. Same thing. Or like practicing a sport or instrument — ever struggled to learn something but you kept trying and one day you’re like, oh weird I can randomly do this thing now. Your subconscious is working on it when you’re not.
I did a video on this quite a while ago and we reposted it at the beginning of the year. You can see it here: http://www.deliberateblog.com/2017/01/12/how-to-love-yourself-repost/
Hey, Mel !
Haha- a welcome series! I’ve been a Bitch too (you see the capital B?) haha, but it wasn’t negging! It’s been more like I’ve gone and _confused_ people with my irritation with helplessness all done in Authenticity (note the capital A, too). Perhaps I’m saved because of the authenticity I expressed, they all still love me and have no issues whatsoever irrespective of the bitch I’ve been. (oh! I love them) What usually happens is that I admit that I’m a bit stressed up, and then blow up in front of them (be a BITCH) – _that_ perhaps confuses everyone (maybe they expected me to calm down magically when I accept that I’m stressed/ irritated and do not expect to be confronted by this bitch-y irritation) I feel like I’m Hulk, LOL. After all that outburst, I’m normal! (people are confused again, maybe they expected the bitch this time and are surprised by the calm and sensible me ta-daa! *facepalm* LOL *facepalm*) Nevertheless, I’m thankful for all the acceptance (imagine hearts, because the symbol becomes question marks) but I so wish this confusion was never there!
Lots of Love,
Lovely video series!!
Med! : )
Haha melody , this is exactly what I am experiencing in my dating life currently . I nag him coz he stays in a different city and I feel insecure that he might be going out with somebody else, while he nags me for my weight and sometimes in a sexual way, thinking of it as a joke, while I find it pretty stupid . His non responses to my messages and one line reply to my messages makes me feel like I’m irrelevant to him. I only feature in his life when he wants to feel that way. Yea, my self esteem around men is severely low and for years together I never allowed myself to feel good and confident and attractive about men , coz I was fat (which I still am), no good man would pay attention to me , and even if they do it would just be to take advantage of either my body or something that I might have or possess . Having an authentic relationship was unthinkable. Now that I’m in this dating life, I realised men did found me attractive but it ultimately used to trickle down to sex. The currrent person I’m dating was different initially and he could understand my dating plights and was interested in listening to me. But over time, it has boiled down to the same letter word and the conversations associated with it and the true authentic conversations have disappeared. Besides now , his jokes or passive aggressive comments feel outdated and very immature and like duh to me . Since we have been dating for a pretty long time , leaving feels difficult and the fear of being rejected and not finding a better and an apt person looms heavily over me . I have nagged him and later when I realised I apologised . But this Negging Behaviour is quite pervasive in me , like a knee jerk reaction when I see somebody attractive in any sense . There’s This fear of this person surpassing you in many ways , you being rejected by your acquaintances and near ones and mostly you not being able to get others in the table agree with what you have to say , in which case your opinion is invalid , doesn’t deserve any credit , and finally you’re not good enough and nobody would help or support u in times of need as you went off track and only went by your opinion, rejecting the decision agreed upon at the table .
In this case, your negging him is masking the feelings that you’re afraid to deal with – namely that there’s a whole lot about this relationship that bothers you. I get that it’s scary, but here’s something you can do to start: start changing the conversation in your head – the dialogue you have with yourself. Because I can guarantee you that you’re not being very nice to yourself. Watch this video for some tips on how to do that: http://www.deliberateblog.com/2017/01/12/how-to-love-yourself-repost/. Do this for 30 days and dealing with what’s really going on, and even imagining saying what you really want to say will become a lot less scary.
And remember – resolution here is not you begging him to change while accepting when he doesn’t. It means getting the relationship you want, whether it comes through him or not.
Hey melody . You were right on the target . Unless I change my equation with myself to a more positive , a more loving and compassionate one , i won’t be able to have the partner I want . And yes , for the past few months I was stuck in this cycle – I used to please him online by any means (that even meant a little banter) so that he paid attention to me and when he did and responded to my msgs, It was a false acknowledgement given by me to myself that look you are worthy and good enough as he has paid Attention to u. Initially when I started dating him and at point I used to realise when I’m getting stuck in this cycle and at that point I used to become aware and I used to work upon myself to be happy . And when I used to be truly happy sans his validation, he would appear and would chat . Later I got busy and when I met other guys at my study place, with whom I could be more open and we could have real conversations, I started finding this guy wierd but the fear of loosing him and not dating someone better than him snug up on me and so I’m still dating him although our chats have reduced to just meeting up for having sex or something related. And post the fear realisation, I have been more stuck in that cycle, by telling myself to not start dating again as I’m not yet done with my final professional exams .(I am unable to clear them for a couple of years now). I had done this work melody initially, and I had felt relief as explained above , but why is it that we tend to give up on it after the initial relief ,? I have done that in the past few months for my dating plus studies . I initially put myself in a good place , raise the bar and get relief but the next moment I’m stuck in some kind of the cycle as mentioned above . How can I identify that I have built strong foundation of a positive vibration?
Very good post, Melody! I remember one particularly nasty form of negging from my childhood: adults negging children. It was very prevalent back then and me, my brother and the majority of our friends had to endure that. The worst neggers (is that even a proper word? Ha!) were in fact our own parents and relatives, the ones who were supposed to support and protect us. It was then when I adopted the limiting belief that I’m “boring” and “have no sense of humor”. I still struggle with it, at the age of 31, but I’ve managed to release the heaviest layers of that said belief, so it doesn’t affect me nearly as much as it used to do. But seriously, one must feel seriously powerless if negging a child brings them relief and amusement.
I’m looking forward to your next posts of this Crazy Bitch Syndrome series. I’m sure you’ll tackle also the kind of Crazy Bitch behavior I’ve been engaging in. Ha! 😀
Hey Lady R,
Perfect example. Yes, adults totally neg children. That’s often how one generation passes on their powerlessness to the next. There’s also a not so subtle (once you see it…) suppression at work here. Adults feel the happy shiny power of children, which brings up their own shit. So they shut down that shininess in different ways. Negging is one. And they’re convinced that they’re being funny, playful or even loving while actually being quite hurtful.
Big smooshy hugs!
I don’t do negging a lot of the time but I think I do go OTT in conversations. Maybe to cover up my own insecurities or prove myself to be worthy. I want to listen more rather than do the talking 99% of the time. Looking forward to the other parts of this series.
Ok so motormouth, as I affectionately call that, isn’t really crazy bitch syndrome behavior. Not in my book. It’s not counterproductive enough to qualify (so, you’re doing better than you think you are). But you can train yourself to listen more, shut up more, be more comfortable with silences. Notice that when you don’t talk, other people will be more inclined to fill in those gaps and you can find out really interesting stuff about them. Also remind yourself that people love to talk about themselves, so if you let them, they will most likely come away with a really stellar impression of you (keep this in mind when your fear of not making a good impression comes up). And be kind to yourself as you practice!
Big smooshy hugs!
This series is right on time for me, as a relationship is something that is a goal of mine for the rest of this year. I’m waiting to see which of the other four I could possibly be lol! [This one didn’t seem to fit me].
Hi Melody, thanks for sharing this video. In doing my self-esteem work over the last few years, I’ve realised that I have been a perpetrator of negging while I was quite insecure in my last relationship. In the last month or so I have started to employ authentically complimenting people close to me because it feels absolutely awesome. It feels awesome to me when I’m complimented and I want to share that love with others. I started to do that with a lover (not partner) to express my gratitude to this person and I think it freaked him out because he began displaying hot/cold behaviour. Can insecure people who are unable to accept or believe a compliment be triggered by the compliment and pull away?
See my comment to Eff on this page. It addresses something along the same lines.
Compliments can totally trigger people, yes. If they are also insecure. I would say, practice anyway, and as you get more comfortable, you’ll get better at attracting people who are more secure and more emotionally stable. I compliment whomever I feel like. I don’t care if you’re insecure. If you’re awesome, you’re awesome (you are awesome, by the way). And they might freak out, but that doesn’t mean they didn’t hear you. It doesn’t mean that it doesn’t feel good on some level, even if they can’t show you that. This doesn’t mean that you have to spend a lot of time with insecure people. But don’t shut down the pleasure of giving compliments because they can’t handle it. Find a lover who receives easily (because a lover who can’t receive compliments isn’t going to be able to receive full pleasure, which means sex will never be as good as it could be), gives easily, and is able to enjoy the full energy spectrum you have to offer. Weee!
Smooshy, sexy hugs,
The timing on this is of course, impeccable!! I actually squealed when I saw this e-mail! I feel like I just asked the universe to help me tackle my limiting beliefs around relationships. Thank you!!
Ahh Melody! How did you know! Hahahahaha.
Ok to elaborate…
I wrote a song and it wasn’t totally resonating with me. And I didn’t know why.
Then I read this post!
So now I’ve rewritten the song and it’s honest now and feels better. Scary, but better.
Your timing is impeccable.