It’s time for Part 3 in our Crazy Bitch Syndrome Series. Remember, that we all have a crazy bitch inside of us, regardless of gender, sexual orientation, socio-economic status, or even age. No one has a monopoly on insecurity – which is what causes Crazy Bitch Behavior in the first place.
We’ve covered “Negging”, and “The Taming of the Shrew Syndrome” (Testing) in the last two videos. Today, we’re going to explore stalking and snooping, which is arguably the most complex of all the Crazy Bitch Behaviors. This distrustful behavior has ruined many a relationship. If you’ve ever checked your partner’s cell phone or tried to overhear a conversation between your co-workers to see if they’re talking about you, you were experiencing a bit of the crazy bitch.
Watch today’s video and let the healing begin.
This is part 3 in my 4-part series on “The Crazy Bitch Syndrome.” If you haven’t yet seen the other two previous videos, here’s a recap. Crazy Bitch Behavior causes both men and women to sabotage their relationships, be they romantic, platonic, and even business and work related relationships. Everyone’s got a little Crazy Bitch inside them. The question isn’t, are you capable of being a Crazy Bitch. The question is: when does your Crazy Bitch come out and what can you do about it?
Crazy Bitch Behavior is sabotaging behavior that pretty much guarantees that you’re not going to get what you want. In the first video of this series, we talked about “Negging”, while in the second video, we talked about “The Taming of the Shrew Syndrome”, or testing people. In today’s video, I want to talk about Compulsive Snooping or Stalking. In other words, the compulsive distrust that you have with your romantic partner, or your business partner, or your family members, or even your employees. This distrust essentially causes you to become convinced (even though you don’t want to be), that they are probably going to leave you for another partner, or for another company, or even that they like your sister better (or whatever). You are convinced that they don’t like you as much as you like them, and they’re probably supplementing that deficit in some way. You’re going to lose them, if you ever really had them in the first place.
And then, you’ll often go out and – and this is the crazy part – you’ll go out and look for the evidence that your worst fears are true. You hunt down proof, while of course, not really wanting to find any. But your fear is that they will leave you, and so, you’ll carry on looking for the evidence that they really will leave you. Which is precisely what often causes them to then leave you.
Reasons behind our crazy bitch behavior
Snooping and Stalking fall into a rather complex type of CBS Behavior. Here’s why: If you’re really, really distrustful or really insecure and it’s a big fear of yours that you have a partner who is going to cheat on you (or that your employees are going to leave you), then your vibration could be creating an environment where you attract people like that to you. It can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. You’re afraid of being cheated on, and so you therefore attract cheaters. Or you could be creating an environment that attracts people who are insecure; who might not be cheating or even actively trying to leave you, but will give you lots of signals that can easily be interpreted to mean that they are, in fact, doing just that. This can happen if you’re in a relationship with a Tester (see Taming of the Shrew Syndrome), for example.
Or, everything could be perfectly fine, and it’s all in your head. But because of the crazy bitch inside you, when you’re in that fear and it’s been activated and triggered, it can be really difficult to figure out which of the two reasons you are dealing with.
And it’s for this reason that I strongly recommend, more so than with any other behaviors on the Crazy Bitch Spectrum, that this is the one you’ll really want to get some help with. Get some outside perspective on it, preferably from a trained professional. A therapist, for example, or, *shameless plug*, an energy coach, who will be able to read the energy of not just you but the other person too, and will be able to give you some ideas about what’s really going on. If you’d like to check out the energy coaching we offer on this website, check out our Energy Coaching Page.
Alternatively, you can get help from a friend who has a really objective demeanor. Just make sure that your friend doesn’t buy into your crazy. If your situation brings out the crazy bitch in your friend, that’s not the person to go to. A fellow sufferer may very well tell you what you want to hear in that moment… (“Yeah, yeah, he’s cheating”), but you’ll actually want someone who can be a little bit more objective, who is able to say to you “Ok, what did he say? What actually happened? What’s really going on here? Is it in your imagination, or not?”
What to do when someone is actually cheating
But ok, let’s say, that he (or she) is cheating. Let’s start with that. Let’s say that he is cheating and your intuition is telling you that something is going on. You have some information that has manifested for you. For example, you saw something on Facebook (not through snooping! Something just caught your attention; something manifested into your reality), and it feels like some kind of hit, some kind of recognition, and your intuition is telling you “Hey, this is something.” Again, this could just be a manifestation of your fear, but let’s say that there is something there and it actually means that he or she is cheating, or your employees are about to get another job, or whatever. The way to address that is not to go all crazy bitch and start looking at people’s emails or online profiles or text messages or to start stalking them. It’s not to assume the worst. It’s to own the fact that you have had an emotional response, that you’re worried, that this is a fear you have. After you’ve owned it, go and talk to them about it, like an adult human being. Yes, actually have the conversation with them and then see how that feels in that moment. See how that feels, and if it still feels off, then that needs to be addressed. If you don’t feel safe in your relationship or in your job, or whatever – ok, I’m just going call it romantic relationships right now, because I think I’ve said often enough that this pertains to all relationships. If you don’t feel safe in a relationship, then really try to take a look at what’s going on. For example, look at the way they’re actually acting, not the way you’re afraid they’ll act, but the way they’re actually acting. Are they being evasive, or are they being clear and direct? Are they saying one thing but doing another? If there’s this duplicity there, then there’s probably something to worry about, and you might want to just get the fuck out.
Is your crazy bitch acting out for no good reason?
If the other person is being direct and straightforward, and their words and actions match, then your crazy bitch might just be acting out, so, you’ll need to check yourself. If this is happening, you want to sit yourself down and ask yourself a very important question. If you’re afraid that the other person is cheating, or doing something cheating like, ask yourself “Is that what you want? Do you want them to be cheating?” Now, of course, you’re going to say “No! No Melody! That’s not what I want!” Ok, so, my question to you is: “Why are you putting all of your freakin’ focus on that?” How about instead, you start putting your focus on what you do want! Ask yourself “What would fidelity feel like?”
Here’s the thing: What you actually want is to feel safe and secure. So, what would that feel like? What evidence would you need in order to feel safe and secure? Remember though, the other person is never going to be able to provide it (as long as your vibration hasn’t shifted); this is an exercise for you to do within yourself. So, what evidence would you need, that you could accept, that would give you the guarantee that you are safe? What evidence would you need? What guarantee would you need? It doesn’t even have to be anything realistic, but sit yourself down and try and come up with the answer.
This is going to be a trial and error thing and you’re probably not going to hit it right out of the park on the first try, but keep working on it. Ask yourself “What evidence do I need that will allow me to relax and trust?” And then, imagine that you have that evidence, that you know that the other person is faithful and they are in it just as much as you are. Allow yourself to reach for that feeling. Now, as you do this, it’s not going to be comfortable right away; there’s going to be some discomfort in there for you. But, do it to the best of your ability. Keep practicing it, because you’ve got to give yourself permission to actually get into that state of being if you want to manifest a relationship that is solid.
If you are currently in a dysfunctional, unbalanced relationship, that relationship may very well gravitate out. But, a lot of the time when people are acting out this crazy bitch behavior in a relationship that doesn’t warrant it, that same relationship has the ability to offer them the security they’re looking for.
Another benefit is that your partner will thank you for doing this work, because if they truly love you and you’re going all crazy bitch on them, well, I’ve got to tell you, it is a huge burden for them. What you’re doing is making them responsible for your insecurity, and the thing is, nobody can handle that, and nobody wants to handle that. So, you’re actually going to be strengthening your relationship a great deal if you do this work on yourself.
Again, this is one that can really mess with your head and one where you can’t really get that objectivity yourself, so, it can really, really help to bounce your thoughts and reactions off a neutral party. Someone who is trained to sift through your vibration for the “truth”, or a friend who is quite pragmatic and won’t get sucked into your crazy, for example. An energy coach can also be a big help, because they’ll be able to hold the higher vibration for you and help you shift yours, read your energy and that of your partner, and get much more information for you, so that you get out the crazy bitch mode.
That’s it for this week. Look out next week for the fourth instalment of the Crazy Bitch Syndrome Series. Until then, thank you for bringing your light to the world and happy shiny smooshy puppy hugs. Bye!
I’m feeling kind of weird. I dont have the jealousy emotion with my husband, sisters or friends (yet I experience empathy and love).
I feel so different from everyone in so many other ways and it bothers me. Why don’t I get to complain that my husband is always working on his empire and when he isn’t, he is chasing me for sex?
Who says that you don’t get to complain about that S&S? You get to feel however you feel…
Intriguing! So the technique where you imagine having the evidence you need to feel secure, can I ask more about that? I don’t personally have much jealousy about partners, but I have lots of insecurity about other stuff. So if I ask myself “What would it take for me to feel secure about the future”, my brain suggests things like “You’d need ten million dollars in cash in a series of secure bank accounts” and “Also you’d need a self-sufficient organic farm” (I could go on). But another part of me then immediately starts poking holes in that – “you can’t magically acquire ten million dollars”. Is that, the “but that would never happen”, the discomfort you’re talking about?
Ok, the game is this: what will it take for you to give yourself permission to step into the feeling of safety? If ten million dollars doesn’t feel “real” or possible, then that’s not it. Keep trying. When you have an idea, sit with it for 2 minutes. If it’s uncomfortable, that’s ok, but the discomfort should go away within that time. If it doesn’t, there’s too much baggage. But decide that you want to feel secure. Then do whatever you need to, in order to step into that feeling. Stop arguing for your resistance – start arguing for your dreams. 🙂
Hope that helps a bit.
Melody, throughout this series I was wondering about one thing, and it sparked up for me after I listened to coaching call #265. The caller realizes that he is giving his power away in his relationship and in doing so, is preventing himself from living a fulfilled life in all other areas. Today’s blog post tangents on the same issue since it talks about one’s own fears leading to the thing we are so terribly afraid of.
Now here’s the thing I have been struggling with: I understand the point that an anger release or the realization how we really feel catapults us into a higher vibration and thus makes us more authentic and powerful. But I cannot help but feel ambivalent about the fear that is creeping up when I become more powerful! The fear of people leaving me or not being willing to deal with my empowered version leaves me immobile. Similar to the caller, I honestly don’t know how to behave towards my partner in a more empowered state, especially since I realized that I actually don’t even like him. I feel like running away, yet the thought that with the help of my partner I have at least a roof over my head (albeit an undesirable one) makes me acquiesce to my previous submissive version.
When we release the fear and claim back power back, how the hell are we supposed to face people, who only knew the previous weak version of us? I mean the change in energy is so severe that I feel my partner will think he lives with a very different person. Whenever I let my mind go to the scenario of empowered me facing my partner, my mind immediately goes into crazy passive-aggressive behavior, where I tell him all the things that I don’t like about him and the life we live and he eventually tells me to leave; or the more extreme solution, where I tell him that I am sick and tired of him and want to move on to….to nothing, as there is isn’t anything right now.
How do we resolve such a dilemma?
Thank you so much for your advice!
Melody will answer this much better than I can but I’ve been in a similar situation and got out of the cycle.
I focused on aspects of my husband I liked and ignored the stuff he did that created so many fights. They were always about the same matters.
I cant’ visualize so I don’t focus on anything specific. Instead I just try to get myself into feeling good about anything in that moment. I have been so down that I resorted to feeling happy about having oxygen to breath.
Oddly, he started behaving so much better and he loved the new me. He says I’m nothing like I used to be (I feel like I shifted from a parallel universe that’s – how much I changed). He now loves me so much but it’s too late for me to feel the same way I did about him. I still dont find him sexually enticing but I think he turned into the most amazing friend. We live together platonically.
Couldn’t have really answered it better myself, Other Sister. 🙂
Laura, it’s all about changing how you feel right now, in this moment, even if circumstances haven’t yet changed. It’s not about feeling good about things you don’t feel good about (trying to enjoy the shit sandwich), but about finding what you can actually feel good about. And that may even be a vision you create and line up with. Make it real for yourself. What if you did run away, just as a thought exercise. Can you give yourself permission to feel good about the THOUGHT of it? Or do you still insist on bringing guilt into that… Remember, there’s no risk when you do it in your head.
See if that helps.
PS: Other Sister: Why not start lining up with sexy sexy times? Don’t settle! You can have everything you want, including an incredible love life!! Just wanted to point that out. 🙂