It’s time to talk about parenting! Over the years, I’ve been asked questions about parenting many, many times. I’ve happily coached quite a few parents with awesome results. In fact, parents are one of my favorite groups of people to work with. But I’ve never done a blog post of video purely on parenting. Who knew?!
I mean, what are you supposed to do when your bundle of joy makes you want to tear your hair out? How can you remain Zen when they won’t go to bed, refuse to eat their veggies, and throw tantrums at the worst possible moments?
Well, it’s time to remedy this oversight. So, here is everything I know about parenting. Ok, maybe not everything. But definitely enough to get you started. Once you’ve watched the video below, feel free to share any questions which I didn’t answer, but which you’d like me to in a future video, in the comments.
Today, we’re going to tackle a really, really big topic, and one that’s been requested many, many, many times. That is the topic of Parenting. So, I’m going to give you a tiny little disclaimer before we start: I personally do not actually have children, in the traditional sense. I don’t have little kids running around, nor squeezed them out of my hoo-ha. But I am quite paternal and have mentored many people. And, that energy has come through in many ways. And, of course, I have coached quite a few parents. I really enjoy coaching parents, by the way, because usually, the payoff is so quick and so powerful. Because, when you shift your energy, your kids will mirror that crap back to you so fast. They will mirror back your crap, but they will mirror back the shift as well, just as easily. They are instantaneous, and it’s amazing. Kids and dogs, by the way. Yeah? Take that as you like it!
And so, before you get into the comments section and go “Well, what do you know? You don’t know anything about parenting, because you’re not a parent.” I’m going to tell you the same thing that I say to anybody who wants to say anything about one of my videos, if it hits a little bit of a nerve. And, parenting is not a volatile issue at all. Right?! A non-parent telling other parents how to raise their kids. There’s no danger in that at all! Haha. But, here’s what I say to that: Take the bits that resonate with you, that make sense for you, that you think are going to help you, and leave the rest. If I say something that you don’t agree with, just leave it; disregard it. That wasn’t for you. Yeah? If you’re watching this video, there’s probably some kind of manifestation in there. Well, there’s definitely a manifestation for you, but, hopefully a helpful one. Or, maybe, it’s just here to piss you off. But, in any case, it is your responsibility to sort out what that means to you, and why you’ve manifested it.
So, now that we’ve gotten that little disclaimer out of the way, I will give you what I have learnt about parenting, and what I have learnt from working with parents, and what I have paid attention to as it came through me, as I am the delivery mechanism for the wisdom of a person’s higher-self.
Being a 5D parent
The first thing I want to talk about is a really general mindset, and then we’ll get into more concrete things. But a real general mindset, which is that, if you want to be an awake parent, if you want to be a conscious parent, if you want to be a 5D, a fifth dimensional parent (let’s call it that), you have to deal with your own shit. You have to deal with your own shit! You have to understand that what your kids are mirroring back to you, what you’re experiencing of them, your experience is your manifestation. It is your manifestation. You are not forcing your kids to be little dicks, because they can be, let’s be really honest about that. So, when they’re getting on your last nerve, you’re not forcing them to do that. That’s not your manifestation, but your experience of it is your manifestation.
So, if your last nerve is about to blow up, it is up to you to figure out, “Why does that upset me so much? And, what about that upsets me? And when else have I felt this?” Go through that whole process, because it is about you cleaning up your own energy, and not, sort of, carrying out your own vibrational work on their backs, so to speak. Yeah? Which, I’m sure, your parents did to you, and their parents did to them. But, we’re going to break this cycle, that’s why I’m making this video. Yeah?
Teach your kids, don’t punish them
And so, there’s a few concepts on how to do that. I’m going to use some language here that isn’t mine, so that it’s easier to, sort of, integrate. And, you can Google it, and you can find lots of information on it. First, you want to stay away from the idea of punishment and discipline. That is one really huge thing, one huge mindset to adopt: It isn’t about punishment or discipline. Punishment comes from a place of “I am the authority, and you respect my authority. And, if you don’t respect my authority, if you don’t do what I want you to do, I will punish you.” You might think that you’re teaching your kids real world consequences, but all you’re really teaching them is powerless. You’re just passing your powerlessness onto them. This does not mean that there don’t have to be consequences in your home, but not punishment consequences. Because that’s really just a power struggle. That’s you not being in your power, trying to gain power by manipulating your children through fear, into doing what you want them to do. Now, isn’t that about the ugliest way that I could have stated that? But, that is absolutely what’s going on in that kind of power struggle.
Discipline is, usually, about the same thing. It’s about the punishment I will inflict upon you, or someone else will inflict upon you. It’s still about punishment, still about fear, still about manipulation, still about powerlessness. Yeah? And, I’m trying to get you to be able to use your willpower to do something that you really don’t want to do and go against everything that the voice inside you says, so that you can live in the world, where people just have to do a bunch of stuff that they don’t want to do. That’s usually what’s meant by discipline. Yeah?
Using natural and logical consequences
Now, not everybody uses it the same way, but that’s usually the general gist of it. And so, it’s not about discipline, it’s not about a power struggle, it’s not about punishment. Yeah? We want to look at consequences that are natural and/or logical. And, these are terms that you can Google, that you can get a ton of information on. Natural consequences and logical consequences; I’m a huge fan. And, the reason is because they, when done correctly, they take the punishment, and discipline, and power struggle, out of the entire equation. So, what you want to do is, you always want to have the goal in mind, in anything that you do. Whether you’re going into a business meeting, or whether you’re talking to your child, or whether you’re talking to your spouse or your partner, you want to have the goal in mind. “What is it that I really want to teach my child right now?” And sometimes, you might have to stop yourself a bit, go off and calm down. Because kids can be dicks, and they can be infuriating; absolutely, totally acknowledge that. You might need to calm down a little bit, have a bit of ‘me time’. Yeah? And get to the heart of what it is, that you really wanted to convey in all this.
Let your kids make decisions
You really want to see yourself more as a guide, or a teacher to your children, rather than as an authoritarian figure that they must learn to obey. You want to teach your kids how to make good decisions. And, in order to make good decisions, in order to learn how to make good decisions, they have to be allowed to make decisions. Which means, they have to be allowed to sometimes make bad decisions. And I know that you want to protect your little precious baby from anything and everything in the world. But that doesn’t actually serve them. What serves them best is being given a safety net by the parents, and whatever freedom is appropriate for their age. Yeah? But enough freedom for them to run into a wall every once in a while. And, sometimes, you’re going to have to let them do that. Sometimes you’re going to have to watch them run into a wall. And, unless their life is in danger, or something is going to go seriously, seriously wrong, you have to let them do it; because that’s how you learn. And, they’re either going to learn while they’re home with you, or they’re going to learn it when they’re not at home with you anymore. And, I promise you, that’s harder; it’s harder to learn all of this as an adult. It’s much easier to do when you have that safety net of the parents.
How natural consequences work
So again, you want to teach them about two different kinds of consequences, and you teach them by doing this; by enforcing this. The first one is really easy, those are natural consequences. Natural consequences are the consequences that are going to happen naturally. They do not need your interference. Although, sometimes, your explanation can be really helpful to make it easier to put two and two together. But, they’re usually quite obvious, if you look for them. So, a natural consequence is – your child is just struggling – and you’re trying to get him to put on his coat. It’s cold outside, and he’s like “I’m not putting on my coat.” – “Ok, if you go out in the cold without your coat on, you’re going to get cold.” And, unless you live some place where he’s going to get frostbite or do serious damage; let the little fucker get cold! Yeah? He’ll learn. And then, resist the urge here to do a “I told you so.” Because that’s not helpful. Now you’re just shaming him for not listening to you, which is not the point. The point is not to get them to listen to you, no matter what you say. The point is for them to listen to themselves. For them to learn how to discern information, and for them to learn how to make good decisions. And, blindly obeying authority is not something that you really want to teach them. That’s not the mindset that you want to teach them. Which means, you have to allow them to disagree with you sometimes. Yeah? And, this is where natural consequences come in.
Natural consequences are, you – it’s your responsibility to provide good, nutritious, varied food. To have it in the house, to put it on the table; it is not your responsibility to force your child to eat it. So, barring of course, any kind of intolerances, or allergies, or anything; I’m not talking about that. But if they don’t want to eat – all kids go through this, where they have a period of time where they just don’t want to eat – then they don’t want to eat. You know what? A natural consequence is: You don’t eat, you go hungry. Yeah? You know, you can spoil your dinner, and then it kind of throws off your whole-body clock. And, if your child is old enough to understand that, again, let them run into that wall.
Now, a lot of you might be thinking at this point “Well, so, if they don’t eat dinner, when my child doesn’t want to each dinner, but later on he’s going to want the sweets and the treats, and all of that.” And, just as an aside, please don’t use food as a treat, and don’t use food as a punishment. Let food be food. But, if you have a kid like that, then you might want to have a rule in your house. For instance, one that says, you eat dinner, and if you don’t eat dinner, I mean, that’s fine, we’re not going to force you. But yeah, you’re not going to be able to eat candy, or whatever, later. And, that can be a rule. But, that is not a natural consequence. The natural consequence is, if you don’t eat, then you’re going to be hungry. Yeah? And, by the way, don’t make it, like a certain amount of food; like, you have to clear your plate or something like that. A lot less people are doing that these days, but, just, as an aside. But, you know, kids go through that, they’re like “I’m just going to have the candy.” And, you just have to teach them. But, you know what? It’s also possible to let them have the candy, and get real uncomfortable, and then, that’s a natural consequence. So, you know your kids the best; you’re going to know what works for them, and you can do that trial and error a little bit as well.
But if you then have the rule that is instituted by you, that maybe, you don’t eat dinner, you don’t get candy later. Or you don’t get candy after 9 o’clock, or whatever; at all, no matter if you eat or not, because you go jittery, and you drive me crazy, and mommy needs a little me time. That is a logical consequence. So, it is a consequence that you have imposed, somebody else has imposed it. There’s some interference there, it’s not a natural consequence.
How logical consequences work
And, a logical consequence should be, the name applies it, logical. And, if you want lots of examples, just like I said, Google it. These are terms that are not my terms. I chose these terms because they are Googleable, and you can find more information.
So, what are logical consequences? Well, the way I like to talk at them is: They are boundaries. These are your boundaries with your kids, and you want to have boundaries. You want to enforce your boundaries; you want to explain your boundaries. And, boundaries, I want to remind you (and if you don’t remember this, go back and watch my video on boundaries), boundaries are never about control. Yeah? So, a boundary is: You don’t get to do that me; control is: You don’t get to do that. And so, you want to have boundaries, but your boundaries must make sense, they must be true boundaries. Which must mean, they cannot be about control. And, you want to watch for that because, boy, kids bring out our control issues in the worst and the best way.
So, what is a logical consequence? For example, your kid is throwing an absolute temper tantrum. You’re in a safe place, they’re not going to hurt themselves, they can wail around on the floor – you just walk away. Go to the next room; walk away. Yeah? If you’re in public, don’t walk away too far, obviously. But, don’t give that any energy; don’t try to shut them down. It’s not going to work anyway. Don’t try to get them to behave, and certainly don’t bribe them. Otherwise, you’re going to have tantrums forever. If that becomes the way that gets them what they want; oh my God. All you’ve got to do is walk away. You’re not giving it any attention. This is not going to work for you. If you want to talk to them about it, you can do that later, but, in that moment, you’re just withdrawing attention. Leaving them to it; not judging them, not trying to control it. But, you’re setting a boundary like “I’m not going to deal with this.” And remove yourself from the situation.
Or a logical consequence could be something like: They leave their toys all over the place, it makes the house messy, it makes it less pleasant for everyone who’s got to stay there. And so – “If you leave your toys all over the place, they’re going to be put in bins, and they’re going to be put away, and you’re not going to get access to them again for a certain amount of time. Or until you’ve done a certain amount of chores.” Or, whatever works for your kids. Yeah?
This is a logical consequence, not a natural consequence, but it’s a logical consequence and it makes sense. Because if they leave their toys all over the place, they make the place messy. It makes it unpleasant for everybody, including them, to be in the house. So, by them contributing in this way, they are going to make it more pleasant for everybody. And, by taking the toys – if you have to pick them up for them, they’re not going to get them back for a while. And they have to, sort of, pay for them again, through some kind of chore that makes sense; maybe cleaning something up. This is a logical consequence; this will make sense to a child. This will be much, much easier enforceable than an illogical consequence. Illogical consequences, always are predicated on the idea of control. “Do it, because I say so.”
And, here’s a really good litmus test, and this isn’t just for parents, obviously. Anybody, when you’re setting boundaries, when you’re getting into some kind of power struggle, if you’re not sure if it’s a logical consequence or an illogical consequence; try to explain it. Try to explain it. Why do we have this rule? And, if you can’t explain it in a logical way, such as “We pick up our toys because it makes it more pleasant for everybody to live here, and we don’t want to live in a messy environment.” That’s a really good explanation; that’s a logical explanation. Yeah? If your explanation comes down to “Because I said so.” That usually means, that you don’t even know why you do these things. You do that because your parents did it, and their parents did it, and their parents did it. That’s not a good enough reason anymore. I’m really sorry, these kids born today will crack that wide open. They will stomp all over that. It can’t be because “I said so.” It can’t be because we’ve always done it that way. It has to be because it makes sense, because it is: Natural or it is logical.
So, when you do come up with logical consequences; natural consequences you don’t really have to come up with, you just have to let them happen, just don’t interfere. Kind of sounding familiar? Don’t interfere in the process! But, when you do come up with logical consequences, and of course, you have to; oh my God; you want to make them a few things. You want to make them enforceable. Do not lie to your kids. Oh my God, I can’t say that often enough. I mean, stop lying to anybody, but do not lie to your kids. So, when you say something like, “Well, if you, if you don’t pipe down back there, I’m going to pull over. I’m going to throw you out of the car, and I’m going to drive away.” If you have no intention of ever doing that, and you’re not in a place where you could do that, maybe, like little ways from your house, and it’s a safe place for them to walk home, and they’re old enough to do that; or something. But, if you have no intentions of doing that, don’t say that. I mean, on the flipside of that, don’t make promises to your kids, like even small, insignificant ones, that you can’t keep. If you’re not sure that you can do something, then say “We’ll try.” Or “Maybe.” But, don’t say “We’ll definitely do that.” When you absolutely know you have no intentions of doing that. Don’t do that; don’t do that, don’t do that, don’t do that. Yeah? Watch yourself, and it’s ok to say: “I don’t know.” And, it’s ok to say: “I’m not sure yet.” Or “Maybe.” And, “We’ll try.” And, it’s ok to say “No, I don’t think we can make it.” You don’t have to say yes to everything, but you’re not doing yourself, or your kids, any favors by lying. So, if you’re going to come up with a consequence, come up with a consequence that fits, that makes sense and is enforceable. And, just like any boundary, if you’re not willing to enforce it, it’s not a boundary. So, think of logical consequences as your boundaries, because that’s essentially what they are.
Allow your kids to get it right
The second thing you want to look out for is that you are not expecting them to do it wrong. And, oh, this is really prevalent; parents, grandparents, you know. First of all, I just sit and I watch people, and it’s so funny how you can watch the parents just get tenser and tenser, or grandparents get tenser and tenser, and tenser. And they’re watching the kids, and they just know the kid’s going to spill the thing, or knock over the thing, or whatever. And, they start reprimanding before the child has even had a chance to do anything. There’s no trust, there’s no belief that the child will do well. Or there’s no ability to actually figure it out for themselves. It’s just “Stop it, stop it.” And, they just take it away before anything bad can even happen. And really, often times, it’s with totally innoxious things. So, we’re not talking about firecrackers, they’re lighting firecrackers or something. We’re talking about, maybe they have a glass of milk, or they’re talking with their hands, and they might knock something over. They need to learn how to watch out, how to control themselves. And, how do you do that? You let yourself knock over the glass and then at some point you realize “Oh gosh!” And then, a natural consequence, or a logical consequence, of that is that you might need to wipe it up. You know, and you might help your child wipe it up, if they’re really little; but figure it out.
And so, watch for things like, saying things like “If you don’t do your homework, you’re not going to be able to play video games.” You’re already anticipating them not doing their homework. A better way to focus on it, just a small change in direction, would be: “When you’ve finished your homework, then you can go and play video games.” Now, you’re anticipating them finishing their homework. Do you see how that is a subtle, but very powerful shift? And, you want to watch for that, because it’s going to be insidious. Don’t beat up on yourself every time you find it, praise yourself when you do find it. Yeah? But, you want to; it’s really insidious how you might be just watching for the thing that’s wrong; watching for the thing that’s wrong, watching for the thing that’s wrong. That energy mindset is going to get your kids, even when they’re brilliant with other people, around you they just keep messing the same things up, and they won’t be able to help themselves. Yeah?
Deal with your own shit
I know we’re going really long on this video; this is a really big topic, but just a couple of more things that I want to throw in there really quickly. One of them is: As you’re dealing with your own shit, don’t hide that away from them. Let them see that you have emotions, and let them see you handling those emotions. You can even explain all of that to them, and you can show them that you’re handling it. So, “You know what? Mommy is really angry right now.” And, you can explain to them “You know what? I’m not angry at you, but I’m angry right now. And, because I’m angry, I’m going to walk away. I still love you, but I’m going to walk away, and I’m going to deal with that anger.” And then, when you come back, you’ve dealt with that anger, then you can say to them, that you have done that.
I’ve had parents whose small children, we’re talking about 6, 7, 8 years old, they were sitting there, and they were getting mad about something. And the little girl was like “Mommy, do you need to go and have an anger release?” They’ll learn the language. And, of course, you can give them the chance to do that too. To teach them how to have constructive anger releases, and that sort of thing. But, don’t hide your emotional journey away from them. Explain it to them in whatever way is appropriate for their age. Don’t blame them for how you’re feeling, if they have pissed you off – and it is going to happen. Or, if they’ve made you mad, or they’ve hurt your feelings, kids do it all. Don’t blame them for how you’re feeling. This can be difficult; I get it, because it’s like “But, they did piss me off.” Don’t blame them for how you’re feeling, but do state the natural consequence of “Well, you did this, and I felt this way.” So, a natural consequence in this example would be: “You lied to me, and now I have a hard time trusting you. And so, how do we rebuild this trust between each other?” If they have pissed you off, then deal with your anger. It isn’t their fault; I know; I know, you want to blame them. Go off and blame them in your mind; have a constructive anger release. And, if you don’t know what that is, find it on my blog, Google melodyfletcher.com, and then constructive anger release, and you’ll find all kinds of stuff on it. Or, get my book. Yeah? But, don’t blame them, or shame them for how you’re feeling, because that’s one of the biggest lessons that you’re learning. And, it isn’t about not teaching them consequences, we’ve talked all video about consequences. It isn’t about going out and being dicks to people because, maybe, the natural consequence of that is “I don’t really want to spend time with you anymore.” – “So, let’s go for ice cream.” – “Well, you know what? After the way you treated me today, I don’t really feel like getting you ice cream. You know, I’m not having the warm and fuzzies about this, right now.” That’s not saying I’m blaming you for how I feel, but that is saying, here’s a consequence. A natural consequence of being a dick, and being willing to be the delivery mechanism for other people’s sadness or anger, isn’t going to necessarily want to make them hang out with you. So, “Who do you want to be in relation to other people?” is a really good question for them to start asking themselves, and for you to ask of them.
Have a reason for the consequences
The other thing, and I touched on this before, is: Know your reasoning for consequences, and state your reasoning for consequences. The more logical, the more they make sense. If you think things need to make sense to you, they need to make sense to the little ones as well; and, more and more so. Yeah? And, if you find yourself getting mad because your kid is arguing with you, check in with yourself and make sure that it isn’t because you, in fact, have no idea why you’re setting that rule. And now, you’ve gone into a power struggle. Ok?
So, I want to finish this video with a resource that is not a vibrational – I’m going to give you the name of a book and an author. And, he doesn’t write about vibration, he doesn’t write about energy, but this is the parenting book that I think I would have written, if I’d written a parenting book, or it’s really close. It is so aligned, and you can see the alignment in it perfectly if you read it. And, that is a book called The Explosive Child, the author’s name is Ross W. Greene. I’ll put the link below for you, so that you can check that out. It is, hands down, the best parenting book that I’ve ever read. And, it does deal with kids who have these big blow ups, these really uncontrollable blow ups. But I think that the techniques in it, and it really is an excellent book about communication. I think that the techniques in there should be taught to everybody. Because, adults need to be using these techniques, and kids need to be using these techniques, and they need to be using them with each other. And, also in the workplace, it really teaches you how to communicate in a much more conscious way; which requires you to become conscious first of what’s going on. And so, I have never found a book that I have recommended this highly to anyone, ever, as I have this book. It is absolutely excellent. So, check that out. Like I said, I’ll put the link in the description.
Ok, so that was really the 100 miles an hour – as quickly as I could talk to pack it all in – video on parenting, on conscious, high vibrational parenting. Of course, I have a lot more to say on the topic, but boy, this video’s already getting long enough! Hopefully this has given you some value, or some validation as well. And, ask me the questions that I didn’t cover, in the comments. That will also let me know what I should pack into the next video. That would be really, really great.
Ok, until next week; have a wonderful, wonderful, wonderful week. And, I want to thank you personally for bringing your light to the world. And, send you smooshy, smooshy, puppy hugs. Bye.
As I was listening to this video, I could swear that you were channeling Amy McCready from PositiveParentingSolutions.com. Natural and Logical Consequences, When-Then Routines (when you do you homework, then you can play video games), etc. You have inspired me to go back and do her online course again. I highly recommend it for all parents who want to improve their relationships with their kids. Thank you!
Thanks for the tip Judy! I hadn’t heard of Amy, but I’ll check her out now. 🙂
Hi Melody! Thanks for that video! I’m not a parent but I work with kids a lot. Can you do more videos on education again?
Sure, Tiffany! Do you have any specific questions or areas you’d like be to cover/address?
You’ve said in your video that it’s really not about discipline, but how do we deal with “difficult” children? Children who don’t want to study and are even misbehaving in class or in a one-on-one session?
First, I would suggest you read “The Explosive Child”. It will give you lots of tools.
Second, find out what’s on with the child. Some questions to ponder:
-Is what you’re trying to make the child do important? Sometimes it really isn’t, and nothing will create frustration (for you AND them) more than trying to force someone to do something you secretly don’t think they need to do.
– Is what they’re supposed to do or pay attention to, important to THEM? If not, can you tie it to something that’s important to them? This takes some communication, as you’ll need to find out what’s actually important to them.
– Is something going on that’s preventing them from paying attention? Are they all physically wired up and need to have a good run around first? Have they been triggered in some way? Do they feel that they are up to the task? Or, conversely, are they bored and not being challenged enough?
– Is there an alternative way to reach the actual goal? For example, if the goal is for the child to get good grades (which I personally don’t think is a great goal, because it’s an arbitrary standard that ultimately isn’t a good indicator or actual learning or future success), do they get good, or good enough grades without studying? In that case, why force them to study? Or if the goal is learning, then can you assist them in making it fun? Maybe sitting there quietly with a book makes them want to eat their own face off, but a more interactive experience would have them buzzing…
You have to get out of the “Do this because I think it’s important for you” mode, and into understanding that the child has wants, needs and preferences of their own. If they don’t see the importance of what they’re doing, if they don’t care, it will be very hard to force them into it. And I wouldn’t advise it. I prefer teaching kids about natural consequences and how to determine if something is important. Then, how to find the solution that works for them.
It’s more work for you up front, but ultimately ends up being much more successful and easier in the long run.
Does that help?
Thanks for the great advice! Totally resonate with it! My follow-up question now is that I get parents who tell me that her child needs X (like more worksheets) but I personally see that it’s not his or her style of learning. How can I come between or bridge the parents’ expectations (And sometimes demands) of how they want their child to learn, and the best method of how their child learns? I’m a teacher whom I don’t communicate directly with the parents, I have a boss who does.
Just what we are doing with little Edna! 😉
Of course it is!!! Bright and shiny curly haired goddesses that you both are. 🙂
Hi Melody, always right on time! I’m pretty good with my nephew. He always pays attention to me and we have the greatest time together. I’ve been using these techniques actually, so I’m happy to see that I’ve been practicing these all along. BUT lately, I find that when I’m around him with his parents, he does not listen to them and naturally, he feels like he is free of all boundaries at that point and doesn’t listen to me either. I finally said, the hell with it and began enforcing my boundaries wherever I am, because my boundaries are my boundaries anywhere and everywhere. So I do enforce when his parents are there when it’s something that I’ve asked him. But he finds ways to circumvent and he gets his way usually and I can tell he sees this. And as a consequence, he turns into this super reactive, “I want it NOW!”, angry and unhappy boy- and even has become a bit mean after being put on medication this week. I can see ways which his parents can improve the situation (he was recently diagnosed with ODD and has begun to have PLENTY of problems at school). I think they are beginning to see that I have a completely different experience of him than the rest of the world has. He’s a complete joy alone and in public places with me. Even if I pick him up from school after a bad day, he snaps right into our dynamic together. BUT when I’m around him when his parents are around, he must know that they are in control at that moment. He doesn’t listen to me and his parents negotiate with him. I also don’t want to give them advice like I’m a parent, too. But with boundary work, it applies to everyone and shifts your entire world and the way people relate to you, but still, I’m not a parent so I don’t want to interfere. I tested the waters to see if they would be open to a different perspective and I sensed the resistance and let it be. I’m still curious, why he doesn’t listen to me when they’re there and what’s my manifestation in this? Is there still an element of control happening in me that I could investigate?
Ok, couple of things: are you SURE that it’s all about boundaries with the parents and not a little teensy bit about control? Because telling them what they could be doing differently… that’s control. Even telling him what to do is control. Walking away, not doing anything you don’t want to do – those are boundaries. I think you do great when you’re alone with him, and when you’re with the parents, it’s YOU who’s aware of their presence, their disapproval (or potential disapproval). You don’t want to offend them. You don’t want to step on their toes. And this awareness and willingness to cater to them a little, even in ways that you don’t really want to, is changing your energy. And your nephew, bless him, responds to that instantly. He’s not responding differently to his parents in YOUR reality. He’s responding differently to you because your energy shifts a bit.
Aren’t kids awesome? They’re like little vibrational barometers, lol.
Ha! It’s so clear now. It was control. Yes, he is my greatest little reflector!!! Think I’ll go back and visualize that scenario again in a better feeling way.
What about parenting an adult “disabled” child?
Or, “parenting” aging seniors in your life?
Their “natural” consequences have the potential of having an effect on caretakers in a different manner then if it was one’s own pre~adult child. I believe that what everyone ultimately seeks is (their own definition of ) freedom and that is unique to each individual. Feeling good about supporting their independence while NOT caring about what other’s think (“do you really think she should be driving?”)
can be tricky sometimes. I focus on feeling good and following my intuition. Any thoughts on this? I am pretty sure there are others that could use some guidance on this particular topic…!
Oooh, yes. I have SO MUCH to say about “parenting” seniors. Soapbox video coming up!!!
Thanks for the suggestion.
Looking forward to it!!!
Phenomenal! Miss you, Melody!
Miss you too Marjorie!!!
I think this was a wonderful post, and the logical consequences model is one I use in my household pretty much all the time. The point you made about idle threats was really spot on, for example my daughter likes to have long hair but she doesn’t like me brushing it, so whenever she runs and hides when the brush comes out, I present her with two options; either we brush it every once in awhile, or we cut it short so it doesn’t get tangled anymore. She always chooses the brush in the end, but only because she knows I’m prepared to get the scissors. They just know if you mean it or not, and if they catch you lying about it one too many times you’re done for.
I think dealing with your own shit is the most important tip of these all. Also because there’s just no getting around it that no matter how much you try, for example, to teach your kids to love and appreciate their bodies no matter the shape and size, if you haven’t dealt with your own body image it’s all just wasted effort. Vitamins and poop metaphor, anyone? They respond to your example, not your words. Also dealing with your stuff makes the need to teach them the stuff disappear. They’ll just watch you being comfortable with yourself and respond to that.
Also it’s important to bear in mind that your kids chose you as much as you chose them, you can’t not be the perfect parent for them because parent-child relationship is co-creation as well. They help you deal with your stuff by triggering you and challenging you and you help them set their vibrational basis for their life experience. It’s beautiful synchronicity, really. I really went through a rough patch with my identity as a mother after the divorce, so I kept reminding myself that since the divorce was in my daughter’s experience as well, she had allowed it too. It helped me ease the guilt when I felt I had torn the family apart and caused her to suffer because of it.
Beautifully stated Heather. Thank you so much for sharing your awesome wisdom and priceless experience.
Hi Melody, very much appreciate this post. The biggest thing I notice with children is the challenge to keep in the right vibration to manifest what you would like in your life, like more money when you have children, especially during the holidays when they are proving particularly challenging! How can parents manifest anything they want when it can feel like a bit of a struggle to stay in the ‘happy’ and ‘chilled out’ vibration you need to be in the majority of the time to manifest something that would invoke those emotions when your child (being a normal young child!) is behaving in ways through out the day that would challenge even the Dalai Lama to feel peaceful? And certainly not inspiring the kind of vibration that brings about amazing manifestations for both of you. Any enlightenment into this would be fantastic! Thank you.
I remember several years ago you saying either in a post or in the comments that we should let our teenagers live the way they like and why did their little space need to be clean or to our (the parents) liking. It could have been in the education system posts.
I remember going against your advice back then (which was rare) just knowing that being clean and tidy would be beneficial for my child to find her school books and get more organised which she was struggling to.
I feel this post is different advice to what you gave back then. Do you get different insights as you move up the ladder?
Last things first: yes, I get different insights as I move up the ladder. Totally. They usually don’t contradict my earlier insights, as much as they expand upon them.
Now to the parenting advice. Here’s the thing. Every child is different. Every parent is different. And every child/parent relationship is different. So, while I offer some specific advice (because people ask for examples), what I’m really teaching is to open your perspective. Do whatever you do deliberately, with clarity about what you’re actually trying to achieve. Most people parent by default. They do what their parents did. Or they parent the opposite way to what their parents did (or try to, only to realize that they have become their parents after all). We’re often not aware of our own patterns. So, it’s really about mindset. The details are kind of yours to figure out, because no one knows your child and your relationship with your child better than you and your child.
So, when I said that maybe your teenager doesn’t need to clean up her room, what I was really saying is this: don’t force your teenager to clean up her room just because it will make you feel better. Or because you’ve arbitrarily decided tidy is just better. Consider the idea that you might offer more value by giving your child some freedom to make decisions, even ones you don’t agree with. It sounds to me like you weren’t doing anything by default. You thought about it and figured out what worked for you and your child. Your request for tidiness wasn’t an arbitrary judgment, but a conscious way to support your daughter.