The holiday season is upon us! Which means… stress! Frustration! Family arguments! But, does it really have to be that way? Nope! In today’s video, I share 6 LOA strategies that will not only help you survive the holiday season, but actually enjoy it.
The holiday season is upon us and with that comes a ton of stress. So, what I’ve got for you today are 6 strategies, LOA strategies on how to survive the holidays. So, your very own LOA holiday survival guide.
I’ve got 6 strategies to help you overcome the holidays, or help you survive the holidays. This can be a very stressful time of year – what with family coming in, which means that we’re going to be triggered in ways that we’re not normally triggered. Maybe these are things that only our family members can bring out in us that nobody else does, which is infinitely valuable, but also infinitely frustrating and annoying. So, here are my 6 strategies for helping you to survive the holidays.
#1 You’re going to be triggered
The first strategy is really to understand that you’re going to be triggered. You are going to be triggered. You’re getting together with your family, and even if everything goes super smooth, there’s going to be one or two things, possibly a lot more, that are going to trigger you. Maybe in a big way, maybe in a very subtle way, depending on how much you’ve cleaned up, but your family always has a way of getting to those little corners, pushing those buttons that you didn’t even know that you had, and in a way that other people can’t.
So, you have to accept the fact that you’re going to get triggered. Now, what helps a lot is if you know how to work with those triggers, when you know how to work with your energy. When you’re able to then actually put a pin in it, take a look at it and get the benefit from figuring out what was actually being triggered within you. Maybe your passive aggressive aunt said something to you, or the grandmother, or the family friend, or the kids; whatever, and they’ve made you feel bad in some way. You want to be able to take a look at that and actually understand what it is that this was really about. Understanding the trigger is just a representation, it’s not really about the person that said something. It’s not even really about what they said – it’s what it caused you to have a reaction to. That’s the real trigger. What are you really reacting to? And that requires a little bit of soul searching; a little bit of sitting with it. And of course, all of the techniques that I teach in how to actually shift that energy so that you can get the benefit from those triggers. But, even if you don’t, if you just acknowledge the fact that this isn’t really about them, and it’s not really about your relationship with them; it’s about what that moment is evoking in you. And, you just ask yourself, when you have a quiet moment, you feel into the feeling that you really felt, you’re going to get more data, which is going to give you more clarity on what this is really about. And, often times, that clarity can be enough to create a shift.
So, understand you’re going to be triggered, don’t be afraid of it, expect it to a certain degree, and don’t fall apart because of it. Understand that it’s a representation of something deeper. This is how you take responsibility – not blame – responsibility for your own energy during the holidays. And, if you can do that, you are going to survive – not just survive it, but actually thrive during the holidays.
#2 Pre-pave the experience
So, the second tip that I have for you is to pre-pave the experience. And, what that means (pre-paving means) is, you take some time before you go over to your family’s house, or before they come to your house, whatever the situation is, and really spend some time thinking about it in a positive way. See it going well. Because, what you’re almost certainly doing, especially if you’re feeling a sense of dread of any kind about the holidays, is you are picturing it happening, but you’re picturing it happening in a negative way. You might not be conscious of that, you might not be doing that on purpose at all; you’re probably not doing it on purpose – why would you? You might not even be conscious of it, but if you’re feeling that dread, that’s letting you know that you are focusing on your future in a way that is negative. You’re seeing it going badly. “Oh, I bet that person’s going to do that again. And, Auntie whatever isn’t going to bring the pie. And, they’re going to say this, and they’re going to attack each other.” And, you’re already pre-paving that experience. You’re locking yourself into a reality that’s not going to go well. And, what you want to do is: Choose a reality that does go well. So, give yourself some time before you go in, and actually see it going well, and feel it going well. And of course, if in the course of doing that you start to notice that you can’t seem to see it going well, then that’s something that you need to address. Like, why not? What’s the problem?
So, take some time beforehand. This is such a simple and easy thing to do and most people skip this step, and it’s so important, and it’s so helpful, and it’s so effective. That doesn’t mean that you’re never going to get triggered – remember point # 1 – you’re probably still going to get triggered, but it means that you’re actually doing your best to line up with an energy where things are smooth and they go well, rather than a reality where things are not going to go well for sure because that’s what you focused upon.
So, take a little bit of time before you go into that environment with your family, and see it going really well, until you ideally get to a place where you’re actually looking forward to it because you’re seeing it going so well that now you’re exciting. And that’s when you know you’ve got it.
The third tip I have for you is to simplify! Stop holding to traditions that you don’t give a crap about, that maybe nobody in your family gives a crap about. Or maybe, one person in your family gives a crap about, but they’re not the ones doing all the work. They’re the ones maybe saying, “We have to do this, and we have to do that.” Why do we have to do this and that? You can question it. I’ve gotten rid of tons of holiday traditions that were really well steeped in my family because we just kind of realized that they didn’t make any sense to us anymore. We didn’t really care about them, and they just created a ton of work.
So, if you can stop doing those things, maybe family traditions, maybe some religion traditions that you don’t really hold to anymore, maybe just some things that you decided that you have to do because, well, that’s just what you have to do at the holidays. For example: “If I invite people over to my house, I have to clean every last bit of the house, even the things that no-one’s going to see, because, otherwise, it’s not acceptable.” If you have that belief, maybe think about letting that shit go and doing what’s absolutely necessary, so that you feel comfortable. But maybe not making – the attic has to be clean, even though no-one’s going to go up there – a pre-requisite to being able to allow people into your house and feel comfortable about it.
Take a look at these things – what are you doing that you don’t want to do. Stop doing the shit that you don’t want to do! Boil it down to the things that are truly important to you and your family, and just do that. You’ll have a much easier time; you’ll have a much less stressful time, which means that it’s also going to be a lot easier for you to be calm and happy, and a happy shiny puppy during the holiday season.
#4 Notice when you’re feeling bad
# 4 is – this goes along with # 1 – notice when you’re not feeling good. Notice when something doesn’t make you feel good, and don’t just put up with it. Now, that doesn’t necessarily mean scream down your family member. It means you have to take a moment to sit with it, and go into it, and finally realize what is it about, and then react to it in a way that is appropriate. We’ll talk about that in step #5. But, react to it in a way that is appropriate, which means, sometimes, you might need to just leave the room for a minute, calm down, and figure out what is really going on here. Sometimes, you’re going to need to set a boundary – we’ll talk about that in a second. Sometimes, you’re going to need to walk away – that’s going to be step #6. Sometimes, you might need to address it; you might need to confront.
So, I’m going to use a really, really extreme example here that probably isn’t that extreme, depending on what family you have. But, let’s say that, you’re sitting around, you’ve had a beautiful dinner, you’re all having a great time. And then the weird uncle you have makes some racist remark. Your first inclination might be to go: “Just let it go because he doesn’t know any better. There’s nothing to be done, and I don’t want to ruin this good time for everyone. Even though he just ruined the good time for everyone by making a racist remark, and making everybody uncomfortable.” And, maybe in that moment you actually want to say, “Hey listen! You know, if you’re going to be here amongst us, in this house, we don’t speak that way.” That would be setting a boundary, for example, which is step #5.
#5 Set boundaries
You’re going to have to start to learn setting some boundaries. And family challenge us to do that in a way that nobody else does. They will step all over our boundaries in a way that nobody else will. Even when we’ve gotten great at setting boundaries, often our family can still slide in under the radar a little bit, and show us where we still have gaps that we might need to address.
So, it is perfectly alright for you to set a boundary. But I want to point out to you that there’s a big difference between setting a boundary and trying to control others. And often, we swap into control. Which, like with the racist uncle, you don’t want to start talking to him about how racist he is, and how he shouldn’t have those views. Because quite frankly, that’s going to end up in a fight and you’re just trying to change his mind, which you’re not going to do from that point of view anyway. You’re not going to change somebody’s mind by attacking them or shaming them. It just doesn’t work! Try it! It really, really doesn’t work! But what you can do is set a boundary, which means, the difference between control and boundary is: Control is – “You don’t get to do that.” Boundary is – “You don’t get to do that and still play with me. So, if you want to be in my house, if you want to play with me, if you want to have conversations with me, then don’t do that. If you want to continue doing that, that’s great, but then, it’s not going to be with me. In this house we don’t do that.”
And, you can say that nicely, but you want to say it firmly because you really want to set a boundary. And, when you’re setting a boundary, you have to be clear on what that boundary is, so this is where we go back to step #4, where you have to get clear on what it is that’s really bothering you. What is it that you really want in that situation; what’s the outcome? And, that requires a little bit of soul searching. “What boundary do I really want to set? What is really bothering me here? Is it bothering me that he’s racist and that people like that shouldn’t exist?” Which, that’s a control issue; you’re not going to be able to change who he is. But what you can do is – change the interaction that you will allow in your home or in your playground. Which also means that if you’re at somebody else’s house, and you can’t set the rules in that house, but you can say, “Look, if you want me to stay, then here’s what’s going to need to happen.” Which gives them the opportunity to say no. But it also means that if somebody doesn’t want to respect your boundary, and you’re in a situation where you’ve come to an impasse, then you can walk away.
#6 Remember: You can always walk away
You can always walk away. If you’re in your own home, you can go to the next room, you can walk around the block; you can walk away from that situation. If you’re being triggered and you don’t know how to react, and you don’t know what’s going on and you feel the chaos of that, walk away; walk away for a few minutes. Take yourself away from the situation; get a breather, take a beat and kind of listen to what’s really going on. Or, put a pin in it and say, “I will deal with this later, because right now’s not convenient for me.” That’s ok too. You can mentally walk away, you can check out, or you can physically walk away. If you’re at someone’s house, do not put convention or politeness above how you feel. Just walk away from that person. Walk away from that situation; even if you don’t walk away from them forever, in that moment you walk way. Give yourself permission to always make that an option if it really comes down to it where you just can’t seem to do this, and you’re really uncomfortable. Rather than holding yourself in a position where you’re really uncomfortable, take care of yourself and walk away so that you can, at least, feel a bit better.
But always remember that if you pre-pave your experience beforehand you’re going to iron out a lot of things. If you understand the value of a trigger, you’re not going to be personally offended by having been triggered. So, it’s going to be a lot easier to deal with. If you take a moment to just step away and figure out what’s really going on, then you can set the boundary that you really want to set. If you’re not already forcing yourself to do a bunch of stuff that you don’t really want to do, you’re also not going to be as resentful to begin with, which means, it’s not going to be as easy to trigger you. And, it’s going to be much easier for you to have a good time. And, if it really is impossible, or if somebody’s being a real dick, and you just don’t want to put up with it, you can always walk away. If you can’t make yourself feel good in the moment, walk away until you can.
I know that this was all about surviving some of the negatives, but remember that #2, step #2 was to pre-pave the experience. So let’s do that together for a second as I wish you a wonderful, an incredibly productive, but also, incredibly relaxing, and lovely, and love-filled holiday season that you cannot just survive, but actually enjoy.
I wish you all the best, all the love – I’ve got one more video for you this year, it’s coming up next week. And, until then, I wish you, just smooshy, smooshy, smooshy hugs, and thank you for bringing your light to the world.
Holidays have been exceptionally tough this year. A lot of old fears and sadness are coming up and I’ve spent my days crying more or less. I’ve also tried to distract myself by mindless online surfing, watching movies and drinking but, I’ve got to admit now, it doesn’t work. I can be a tad stubborn at times, so it always takes a while before I’m ready to surrender and see which actions do serve me properly and which ones merely belong to the Band-Aid category.
I hope I don’t sound too depressing here but the upcoming New Year scares me. It’s like I feel time is running out and it’s too late to create the life I’ve meant to live. I feel I’ve disappointed not only myself but everyone. Does anyone have any tips on how to smooth out this rough a ride? I’m usually pretty resourceful myself but feel like I’m running out of tools atm.
However, I would like to wish the best New Year 2019 to all of you! 🙂
I relate to everything you say here. I don’t know if anyone should take my advice (lol) but I’m finding that only being willing to fully go through the bad feelings and really feel them in my body seems to change things for me- and even then, not necessarily dramatically. But I do feel that I get closer to understanding what is really going on and what I really want… I’m hoping that maybe at some point it will become possible to authentically focus on what I do want instead of pushing away what I don’t want and being in denial.
But like I said… I’m right there with you! I applaud your willingness to be real about where you are.
Thank you so much for your reply, Cordy! I really do appreciate you took the time to respond. I think you’re very right in there that you need to give yourself a permission to feel the emotions on all levels, including physically. I’ve actually been doing exactly that and last night I noticed the very first positive manifestation stemming from it: I look so much better! Seriously, my face is slimmer, my skin is so smooth I’d like to caress my cheek all the time lol and even my hair is much shinier and doesn’t get tangled as easily. I’ve read several articles stating that emotionally charged tears remove harmful toxins from the body, so it would make sense it would positively affect to your appearance as well. I got bit of an epiphany and thought to myself, that resistance is like those toxins stored in the body. If you want to get rid of it, you’ll need to release it and to me, crying seems to be the most natural way to do so. Thanks again!
Lady R, I know how you feel. Lately I haven’t been sure if I’m really releasing stuff and getting somewhere or if I’ve just gotten depressed without realizing it and I’m just making it worse by poking around in my head. I don’t know if this is the case with you, but the constant darkness really starts to get to me around this time of year, and because of that everything feels even worse.
But I totally agree with Cordy – the fastest way to get rid of the pain is through the pain. It’s sometimes hard and scary, but it’s so rewarding after it’s over. Also I’ve come to think that the band-aid solutions are often seen in a bad light for no reason at all, because sometimes you might try to release something you’re not quite ready to release yet, and it’s just going to pull you down with it every time you try. When that happens, I’ve found that it’s really helpful to set an intention (I’m going to figure this out and it’s going to be easy) and then just let it go and distract myself knowing that while I’m there on the sofa doing nothing, my unconscious is organizing things for me and when the time comes, it actually is pretty easy to release it, or at least easier. Very often there’s a belief that’s blocking out the emotions (like “mom can’t handle it if I’m scared so I can never show fear”) and once it exposes itself to you and you realize why you’ve been holding yourself back, the repressed feelings are free to come out. It’s just basic LOA, really, you’re just using it to release resistance 🙂 Of course sometimes the stuff that comes up is so big that you just have to surrender to it because your rational mind just stops working. In those times, no matter how tough it gets just remember that you can pull it through, if it’s come up in the first place you’re tough enough to release it and me and Cordy and Melody and everyone else have got your back so you are not alone <3
Thank you for your thoughtful and insightful comment, Heather! I do appreciate you took the time to address my original comment hence decided to reply to you. I’ve already shifted quite a bit, so I think I’m better able to elaborate my thoughts now.
I don’t think it’s the darkness that’s been wearing me down. In fact, I love it, it inspires me and gives me a sense of comfort. Spring, on the other hand, has always been more or less taxing for me. If it was up to me I would make March illegal 😀 Anyhow, I think it’s only now that I’m genuinely ready to release some of the heaviest stuff I’ve been carrying around for ages. I already feel (and look) much lighter, even though I anticipate the releasing may still continue for the next few days. But that’s a good thing. Frankly, I don’t care how many effin’ days or weeks it might take, I’m just so relieved the old outdated crap is finally coming out!
I hear what you’re saying re the Band-Aid solutions. I think, too, that often folks tend to demonize them without realizing they do serve a purpose. If you’re not ready to release something, it’s maybe not that wise to try and force yourself to do so. Better distract yourself a bit and then try again from a higher vibration. I reckon I wasn’t being very clear in my original comment. What I meant to say was, that the Band-Aid/distraction mechanisms I’ve used have been way past their expiration date for a while now but I’ve been too stubborn to admit it to myself. There was a time when watching movies whilst sipping booze worked like a charm but it no longer does. Now it’s clearly the time to start releasing stuff. And all the stress hormones and excess manganese as well. Thanks, tears! 🙂
I also got some clarity on why I’ve been so reluctant to engage in any sort of LOA related practice lately. It’s that I have to start to incorporate more “magic” into it. My soul is crying for it and as far as I can remember, I’ve always been very into Shamanism, witchcraft, communicating with spirits, influencing your reality via spells, etc. Not surprisingly, I used to hide and even deny that part of myself for years, since I felt I no longer could bear being ostracized and ridiculed. But that’s about to change now. It’s MY reality and I can do with it whatever makes me happy and makes my soul sing. Of course, others can do with theirs whatever they want.
Here’s to a better year! *raises a glass of black coffee*
Merry Christmas Melody and everyone else out there! Thanks for addressing this in a post. I had the opposite kind of situation, where I dread Christmas because I am recently divorced and don’t have any family (other than my two children who spend half the day with me) or friends to be with. Even when my family were alive/around it was abusive and we never really had a connection. Christmas was a time of loneliness and disappointment for me growing up and until this year I always felt that way, or covered up that I felt that way. Christmas with my in laws was never pleasant because I always felt excluded (yes took that feeling into my marriage). So until this year Christmas set me off in all kinds of ways. BUT since I’ve been powering through my resistance lately and have generally raised my vibratio on a lot of things I thought, I don’t like going down a notch at Christmas now. I decided I was going to make this Christmas as great as I can, put more effort into decorating and making things special for my kids, and find all the positives about being alone. My kids ended up having a great time, we played games and ate and kept the vibration high, and I appreciated that I don’t have to spend Christmas with my horrible ex and in laws anymore pretending that I don’t mind being treated like crap. I’m going to spend the rest of the holidays alone being grateful, shopping for bargains and doing things that I love doing. Feeling lonely and alone is just going to bring more of the same, so it’s about time I stopped that sh**!
Happy holidays ! Was that a black nail polish on ur nails? I’m currently wearing black on my nails too and it does look nice ! Your video came at a perfect timing for me . Just wanted to ask , can a close persons version of another person, which is quite resentful and annoying and negative in nature , cause us also to harbour that negativity towards that other person , although the truth is that My feelings are totally neutral about this other person ? Like dey my mother has a lot of negative feelings and is constantly annoyed and angry with say Mr and mrs P, and she constantly spits out that rage ball in front of me regarding the P family . I really don’t have any negative feelings , neither any positive towards them . But her version of them causes me to also harbour that negativity towards the P family , which frankly sepeaking, I don’t want to coz I have my own stuff to do . How can I prevent her version of the ap family , affecting my interaction with them ? Also many a times , she forces me to act a certain way when P family is at our place and frankly I don’t want to or I might as well want to do it at my own sweet time . In those times , although I ignore my mom, she keeps on reminding me for doing it . A best example could be forcing me to meet them when they’re home and I really just want to be in my room . How can I prevent that ?
Hey! Is it me or is the link for the “Read the full call summary and listen to the call here.” not working? 😀
Sorry about that! I’ve fixed it!
WOW. The video was perfect timing because today is the day for me. It wasn’t working this morning though and I thought ah ha, resistance! Because I am not looking forward to going today! Thankfully I checked back and it was available just in time. I am actually getting ready for my get-together now. I already knew to do the energy work of it being a smooth, good time beforehand. And I practiced ”what ifs’ when (not if) triggered. I even took some family members to the bunker. Now I know I’m ready thanks to this! Thank you, thank you, thank you!
This is, as always, brilliant. But it is not merely a holiday survival guide – it is a LIFE survival guide! I try to use these techniques all day every day. Love and light to all 🙂
Thanks for this “thrival” guide, Melody. I’m wishing us all a happy, relaxed, loving, and love filled Holiday Season!
Wonderful video and wonderful insights, Melody! Happy Holidays to you!
Melody, Happy Christmas. Not sure if your site is having problems or if i simply not aligned to watching the video but I cannot access it.
happy Holidays to everyone at team Fletcher
I’m so sorry. I don’t know what happened this morning, but it’s all working now! <3
I don’t know if others are having this problem but the video link isn’t working for me; it says that the video is unavailable. Just me?
Thanks as always for your wonderful work (I got to be on your recent Q&A Live and I loved all of it!)
Sorry about that. I’m not sure what went wrong, but it’s all working now. Guess it’s time for my holiday, eh? LOL.