Have you ever gotten all excited about something, only to have it end in almost immediate disappointment? Perhaps you want to get in shape. The idea feels really good. You plan to get up tomorrow morning and go jogging. Only… when 6 a.m. comes around, getting up to go running just feels cruel, so you don’t. And then you feel the crushing shame and disappointment, because obviously you’re never going to get in shape that way.
Or, you meet a new special someone, and you get all excited. But after a couple of bad dates, your hopes are crushed. Will you be single forever?
This is what I call the “All or nothing” cycle, and it’s easy to get stuck in it. This kind of thinking, however, doesn’t serve us at all when it comes to creating our WANTED realities. Listen in as I explain to my awesome student how this cycle works, and more importantly, how to step out of it so you can avoid the crushing disappointment and shame, and actually get what you want. Yay!
Hey, my happy shiny puppies, this is Melody Fletcher, your go-to for everything Law of Attraction and Reality Creation. And today, I’ve got a treat for you! What follows is an excerpt from one of our live Q&A calls, where people just like you, students just like you, were able to ask me questions, and I answered them. And today, you’re going to get one of those. And, as you’ll see in the coming weeks, we’re going to be rolling out more and more of these.
And, if you’d like the chance to be a part of one of these Q&A calls, for free, then stay until the end of the video, and I’m going to tell you exactly how to do that.
Alright, I’ll see you on the other side!
Melody – Hello!
Caller – Hi!
Melody – And, we’ve even got the video, fantastic! Thank you!
Caller – Yeah! Ha-ha!! Thanks for doing this. I found you through a friend who told me about you – there’s this coaching call that you had, and I downloaded it, and it was great. I listened to it, like; it’s been, like, 3 years I’ve been listening to it. And, I outlined it, and so, I’m happy to have this chance to talk to you.
Melody – You know I have others; it’s not just the one! There’s over 300 of them now!!
Caller – Hehe!! I need to go through the library! My question is about discernment between being kind to oneself, and comforting oneself, and practicing self-compassion versus, you know, pushing myself, pushing my edge towards the life I really want. So, to be more specific, I find that, you know, I’m good at getting the real good visuals of a life that I desire, and a lifestyle. And, I can get really, like, excited about it, and jacked up about it. And then, let’s say that’ll happen in the evening, and then, in the morning when it’s time to wake up a little earlier to do a little more exercise or to prepare a better meal, you know, the self-compassionate thing at that moment feels like, you know, staying in bed, and cuddling with my sheets.
Melody – Aha!
Caller – When it comes to dating, you know, like – I would consider myself highly sensitive, and I will let, like, you know, a couple of bad dates, or a couple of nights waiting by the phone, kind of, disappoint me. And then, I’m like, turned off for a really long time. So, basically, I guess, the question is how to – there’s, like, a lot of volatility with whether or not I’m willing to…
Melody – You can call it, you’re an all or nothing kind of girl sweetie.
Caller – Kind of; I guess so. Yeah!
Melody – Yeah! And, that doesn’t serve you, because all or nothing doesn’t really work, because it’s so polarizing. “Either, I get it all, and all at once, or I don’t get to have it.” Which is usually what happens! You get all excited and then, it doesn’t go perfectly the way that you decided it had to go, and so it becomes nothing, because it’s not all. Right?
Caller – Right!
Melody – You get excited about an exercise routine: “I’m going to go get up early in the morning, I’m going to go jogging.” And then, you wake up in the morning, like, – “I really just want to sleep in, and I really want to love myself this way, but if I can’t get up at 5 am, and go jogging, then I’m never going to get in shape.” Right?
Caller – Absolutely, yes.
Melody – Wait a minute! Maybe, what I’m excited about is the idea of getting in shape – maybe, I wasn’t so excited about the jogging at 5 am bit.
Caller – Hmmm, yeah!
Melody – And, I’m making an assumption that, that’s what has to happen in order to get me what I want.
Caller – Hmmm!
Melody – So, you get into the feeling, and to the idea of actually being in shape, how that would feel to walk down the street in shape, to be in shape, to have that body, right; and then see what you’re inspired to do. But, do not assume that you have to get there the hard way. That’s a decision.
So, what if you could get in shape joyfully, easily without ever having to go to the gym, or wake up at 5 o’clock in the morning and go jogging?
Caller – That would be amazing!
Melody – There you go, you see; you lit right up.
Caller – Hehe!
Melody – You just take the hard part out of it. And so, the same thing with dating – you have a couple of bad dates, or a guy who doesn’t call when he said he would. It’s an all or nothing. All men are shit, and I’m never going to have a relationship because I don’t want to put up with this crap. Instead of: “You know what? That’s this guy, and I will not put up with a guy like this. So, this guy is dead to me now.” Right?
Caller – Yeah!
Melody – And, you can catch that shit earlier and earlier. And, this isn’t the same thing as being picky, this is being discerning. Being picky is an artificial – I’m too afraid to go out with someone, so I’m going to come up with all kinds of reasons for why they’re not a good fit. That’s being picky. They’re arbitrary reasons that are meaningless, they’re not real boundaries. That’s when you get shit like, “Oh well, he’s 6 ft. and I’m 5.5, but I really need a guy who’s at least 6.4.” That’s when you’re like, What?! Like, where did that come from? Oh, he has to make precisely $250,000 a year, or more. Oh, that guy only makes $230,000 a year. No!! You’re using reasons to not go out with someone, and try to find reasons not to go out with someone. And, that creates a pickiness.
What I’m talking about is being discerning. So, for example, back in my clubbing days, I don’t do clubbing anymore, I got sick of it. But, back in my clubbing days when I lived in Las Vegas, if a guy came up to me in the course of the night, we’re dancing, we’re smooching, whatever, and he’s like, “I’m going to call you this week.” And, I would always tell them, like, “Don’t say it, if you’re not going to do it. I don’t mind if you don’t do it, if you don’t say it, but don’t say it, and then, not do it.” And, if I saw them in the club next week, and they didn’t call me when they promised they would, that was it. – You don’t get to talk to me anymore.
And my friends would be like, “Why?! You have to give them a chance. And, I said – the first thing this guy – when he’s on his best behavior, when he’s trying to court me basically, (if one can use such an old fashioned word in the clubbing world), but he’s basically trying to impress me, he was trying to get with me, and the first thing he does is lie to me? That’s on his best behavior. What was he going to do in 6 weeks!! Right? No, no thank you. You have no integrity; I’m not interested, because I don’t do that. If I say it, I’m going to do it. If I don’t want to do it, I don’t say it. Right?
And so, I wasn’t a bitch about it; I was just like: No, we’re done now. I wasn’t demanding about it, I didn’t cut into them, I was just like, “I told you – I told you, that if you said you were going to call me, and you didn’t call me, don’t bother coming up to me next week. And, you accepted that, and this is what happened. Did you think I was lying? I wasn’t lying.”
And so, I have little pet peeves that are deal breakers. Obviously, my deal breakers are, they’re, I mean, you have to be this intelligent, you have to be this funny, you have to be this awake, you have to be this conscious, you have to be this kind; you have to be….; all these kinds of things. But then, there’s also somebody who says one thing and does another – you’re gone. You’re gone!! That’s it; that is a character trait that I do not wish to deal with anymore.
Caller – Yeah, yeah.
Melody – And, these are things that I figured out for myself that, who do I want to deal with as friends, in relationships, business partners or romantic partners. What are the things that are truly important to me? How am I willing to show up? And what can I then expect them to show? And, I don’t demonize the person themselves, as in, “You’re an asshole because you didn’t conform to my….” I’m just like, “This isn’t a fit. You’re fine the way you are, but you’re not for me. Doesn’t mean you’re a bad person, doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you, doesn’t mean that you don’t get to find love, it is just not what I prefer. I want somebody who has integrity, and somebody who will be honest, and somebody who is strong, and knows themself, and makes his own decisions. And says what he does, and does what he says; because, that’s how I show up too. You see?
You get to want an equal essentially. You don’t have to settle for somebody less. And, that’s where you can, kind of, bring in an all or nothing mentality if you ever want to bring it in, where you say, “What are the things that absolutely must be there? And, if they’re not there, it doesn’t matter if one or two of them are there, if they’re not all there, what are my bare minimums? What are my deal breakers?”
So, if a guy is not smart, he can be the most beautiful, kind, gorgeous person ever, I’m probably not going to have a relationship with him. Because I love deep, intelligent conversation; I love talking to people who really think and dissect. That is such a joy for me, that it is a deal breaker if somebody either can’t do that or doesn’t want to do that. So, that’s a deal breaker for me because that’s something that I really, really want. Right? And so, that, you can be all or nothing about.
Caller – Ok!
Melody – What is my check list, and you either tick all of the really important things or you don’t. Which could also be like, maybe you want kids, and you meet a guy who doesn’t want kids. That’s a deal breaker because you want kids, or the other way around. So, there’s the important stuff.
But, when it comes to experiences, you have to understand that there’s a progression, and there’s such a thing called the precursor. And, a precursor is like a pre-manifestation that shows you what progression you’re on; what’s continuing to manifest. And so, if you get a manifestation that isn’t so great, that doesn’t mean it’s never going to be better, or not better is available, it just means, this is what I’m getting, this is my reflection right now based on what my energy’s been doing. Do I like this, do I not like this? Do I want to change it?
And that’s when you understand that your progress has to be incremental. It’s not all or nothing. It’s like sitting down to learn a language, or to play a guitar, play a musical instrument, you are not going to sit down on day one and be a virtuoso. You’re going to have to allow yourself to get better at it incrementally. And, by engaging with it, you might then learn things about – “Oh, I really like this kind of music. Oh, I think this would be fun to play. Or, I think this would be fun to practice.” Right?
Caller – Hmmm!
Melody – Doing it incrementally, allowing yourself – you don’t look at a child who’s learning to walk and go: “Oh, he fell down! He fell down again. You know what? It doesn’t matter; it’s no good, you’re not doing it. Let’s just get you a wheelchair and we’ll be done with this shit.” You don’t do that! You sit there and go, “Yay!! You made a step. Doesn’t matter if you fell down 3 times. Yay!! You took another step. Yay!! You balanced a little more. Yay!” Because, you see, you don’t have the expectation that the child is just going to go from crawling to running perfectly. You understand that there’s an incremental process in-between where they strengthen their muscles, they learn how to use their body. They take a few steps, they stumble and fall, they take a few more; they get stronger and stronger. And, before you know it, they’re running all over the place. But it didn’t happen in an instant. It happened, you know, doesn’t have to be slow, incremental doesn’t have to be slow, but it is incremental.
And so, it will serve you well, to watch for this where you’re looking for, is it all or nothing, and if it’s not all, it’s nothing, because that’s a great way to keep yourself from lots of awesome manifestations, because they didn’t happen like that. Because, you weren’t willing to wait just a fucking minute for more to come in, for you to get ready; for you to get better at it. And, that impatience hurts you because then, you become the kind of person who goes to the airport and the plane’s delayed and you’re like, “Plane from New York to LA is delayed? How long’s the delay?” – “We don’t exactly know.” – “I’m going to start walking. I can’t wait; I can’t sit around here and do nothing. I’ve got to start walking.” Well, if you just sat there and drank a glass of wine and read a book for a couple of hours, the plane would have taken off eventually, and you’ll still get there a hell of a lot faster, because, guess what? You start walking, after 3 days you’re going to be like, “Fuck this; I don’t want to work this hard for this!” And then, you go back home and you never get to LA. You see! It’s a great way to keep yourself from getting the things you want, this all or nothing paradigm.
So, you want to look for that, and allow yourself to sort of go, “Wait a minute! What if I could get there step-by-step? What if I could just get a step closer? What if it doesn’t have to be everything?” Does that make sense?
Caller – Man, it really does! It really, really does. Thank you.
Melody – Good! There’s a lot of us, all or nothingers, out there. Don’t’ worry, we’re all working on it. I have had to do some massive work on that because I used to very much be all or nothing. I was so – I mean, I’m still very driven, but I’m much more able to accept things incrementally, which means I get a lot more. I open myself up to a lot more because some things just can’t be achieved instantly. But, it’s also, it takes so much pressure off of me, because it takes so much energy to try to make this giant leap instead of just, like, “Oh, I’ll just walk across the bridge. This is easier, holy-shit!” Right?
Caller – Yeah!
Melody – It doesn’t always have to be so hard.
Caller – Yes, thank you.
Melody – You’re welcome! That was good; great question. Thank you so much, I appreciate it. And, how do you say your name?
Caller – Tamaron!
Melody – Oh, so I said it right!! Woohoo!! Ok, cool.
Caller – Bye.
Melody – Thank you very much for playing sweetheart, thank you.
Look at you; you made it all the way to the end of the video!! Good for you!
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